Family Guy/Season 3

Family Guy: Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22

Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was canceled in 2002, but after a positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

The Thin White Line

Joe: [to Brian] Nice work, rookie!

Cop 1: You're a credit to the force.

Cop 2: Additional generic cop compliment, Brian!

Rehab Counselor: Wait a minute, Brian, you have a pre-existing relationship with this degenerate?

Peter: A degenerate, am I? Well, you are a festisio! See? I can make up words too, sister.

Brian Does Hollywood

Brian: Hey, what might be a thrill for you guys?

Chris: Ooh! Ooh! Eating a pebble!

Cosby: [wears Stewie's hypnotic goggles] So you're going to just sit here and enjoy it.

Stewie: [hypnotized] I'm going to sit here and enjoy it. And I like pudding. And Ghost Dad was the best movie I've seen since Leonard Part 6.

Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington

Peter: Hey, since I became President, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano. [laughs]

[cut to Alyssa Milano in reality, watching the show]

Milano: What kinda cheap shot...?! [to her lawyer] Joel!

Joel: I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it.

One If By Clam, Two If By Sea

Peter: Yep.

Joe: Yep.

Quagmire: Yep.

Cleveland: Mmm-Hmm. [they drink]

And the Wiener is...

Lois: [after seeing Chris' penis] Oh, my! Well, no wonder he's always slouching.

Peter: How the hell did this happen? I'm supposed to be the man of the house. You must be so ashamed of me.

Lois: Oh, Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts.

Peter: OH, MY GOD! [runs away]

Death Lives

Diane: A tragic accident today in the north Providence area. A family of four lost their lives when their minivan swerved off the road and into a ravine, exploding on impact. [Tom snickers] You find this funny, Tom?

Tom: No, no, no. I was remembering, I accidentally put my shirt on inside out this morning. It's fine now, though. So, so, what were you saying? A fashion show?

Death's Mother: Death! Put your jacket on, or you'll get frostbite!

Death: I don't have skin!

Death's Mother: That's 'cause you didn't eat your beans!

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Lethal Weapons

Lois: Okay. The psychologist wants us to try an exercise called "role reversal," where we pretend to be the person who makes us angry. I'll go first. [imitating Peter] Don't listen to your mother, kids. She's worthless and dumb and ignore her and only listen to me, Peter.

Peter: [imitating Lois] I'm Lois. I break for yard sales. But I don't let Peter buy anything he likes, like that Narragansett Beer sign where the hot chick has two mugs for jugs. It was eight freaking dollars and we have a dozen places to put it!

Stewie: Ooh, ooh, me next, me next. [imitating Brian] I'm the dog. I'm well read and have a diverse stock portfolio. But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the small braided rug near the door.

Brian: [imitating Stewie] I'm a pompous little Anti-Christ who will probably abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and fall in love with a rough trick named Jim.

Peter: You just hit me!

Lois: That's right!

[Peter punches her back, knocking her onto the floor]

Lois: You can't hit me, I'm a girl!

Peter: Sometimes I wonder.

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The Kiss Seen Around the World

Connie: Hey, everybody! Mr. Lazenby's getting arrested!

[all the students in Meg's classroom exit and watch as the police arrest, Mr. Lazenby]

Principal Shepherd: Now, what in God's name…? [opens door] Mr. Lazenby, what the hell's going on here?!

Lazenby: Apparently, there's some law against teaching the evolutionary theory that Gil Gerard used a time machine, went back, and ejaculated into the primordial ooze.

Principal Shepherd: This stupid country...

Meg: I just wanna kill myself! I'm going upstairs right now, and eating a whole bowl of peanuts! [blank stares from Peter and Lois] I'm allergic to peanuts! [more blank stares] You don't know anything about me! [runs upstairs]

Peter: Who was that guy?

Mr. Saturday Knight

[Peter paces back and forth just as Mr. Weed is on his way over for dinner]

Lois: Peter, calm down. Everything's gonna be fine.

Peter: I hope so, 'cause if I blow this, I'm gonna have to go back to my old job at the Electric Company.

[cut to the Electric Company with Peter and another man as Soft-Shoe Silhouettes]

Man: D.

Peter: -ot.

Peter and the man: Dot.

Man: B.

Peter: -et.

Man: Bet.

Peter: Bet. I knew that. Slow it down, will ya?

Man: P.

Peter: -it.

Man: Pit.

Peter: Pit. C'mon, pal. It's my first dayǃ

Man: F.

Peter: -at.

Man: Fat.

Peter: Oh, that's it, buddyǃ

[a fight breaks out between the two]

A Fish Out of Water

[Stewie walks up to a lady hanging up a framed pot of flowers painting on the wall.]

Lady: There we are. It's a Van Gogh print. Isn't it beautiful?

Stewie: Oh, yes — I often fantasized about what this house would be like with more culture.

[Cut to the boys sitting on chairs in a semicircle, in gentlemen's outfits, talking very quickly in a posh English accent.]

Stewie: The port is quite good.

Brian: Yes, quite good.

Chris: Indeed.

Peter: Most certainly.

Brian: What year is it?

Chris: '51.

Brian: Ah.

Peter: Delectable.

Stewie: Indeed.

Chris: Yes.

Peter: [catches fire] Oh, dear!

Brian: What is it?

Peter: I've spontaneously combusted.

Stewie: Oh, I am sorry.

Peter: Oh, it's quite all right. I've grown tired of living.

Stewie: Ah, very good then.

Chris: For the best.

Brian: Yes, indeed.

Stewie: Oh, is it raining again?

Emission Impossible

Peter: [after Carol has given birth] Oh, my God!

Lois: What? What?!

Peter: [holds a crying baby] It's a beautiful baby girl.

Carol: Oh, a baby girl! I'm so happy!

Peter: But she has a penis. Well, we're gonna have to do something about that. [grabs a scalpel]

Lois: [takes the scalpel] Peter, no! It's a boy!

To Love and Die in Dixie

Peter: [at the police station, where the convicts are held] Hi, uh, excuse me, you guys. Yeah, I'm here to pick up my son, Chris Griffin. Uh, he's here to finger the guy who held up that convenience store. M-maybe you've seen him, his name is Chris Griffin. Oh, wait a second. I think I got a picture of him, somewhere...h-here you go. [gives the picture to the one who robbed the store] Yeah, you can go ahead and hang on to that, I got a ton of 'em at home. I was gonna throw that one out anyway 'cause Chris messed it up by writing his school schedule and a list of his fears all over the back of it.

Peter: I don't know Brian... Maybe Lois is right. Maybe it is time for me to get a job.

Brian: Yeah, Too bad you always blow it in the interview.

[flashback to said interview]

Employer: Okay, Peter, where do you see yourself in five years?

Peter: [internally] Don't say doing your wife, don't say doing your wife, don't say doing your wife... [aloud] Doing your... [stares at the employer's family photograph] ...son?

[the employer stares at Peter in confusion]

Screwed the Pooch

[Brian dives into the race track and tackles Seabreeze]

Meg: Oh, my God!

Carter: He's violating Seabreeze!

Peter: Oh, no, he's just awkwardly positioning himself... [shocked] Now he's violating Seabreeze.

[Peter plays poker with Carter and his poker friends]

Turner: Aces high or low?

Peter: They go both ways.

[Bill Gates and Michael Eisner laugh]

Gates: He said, "They go both ways".

[all except Turner laugh]

Turner: Like a bisexual.

Eisner: Thank you, Ted. That was the joke.

Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?

Miller: Now, I don't want to go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first battle of Antietam. I mean, when a neo-conservative defenestrates, it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate.

Peter: What the hell does "rant" mean?

[Chris is watching a rap video on TV]

Peter: Hey Chris, what are you doing? I am sittin' here shittin' myself! Give me some Dr. Peppa!

Chris: Just layin' back in the cot, peepin' at this here homie. Yo, Pops, get me some cheddar. Some player-hater be throwin' salt in my game and grillin' me over my gear, and I need to be making style.

Peter: You be trippin', my man. Go hed and take 'ya dump, sun.

Peter: Well, uh... the important thing is you tried, son.

Ready, Willing, and Disabled

Announcer: We now return to Touched By An Angel.

[courtroom scene; a boy is on the stand]

Prosecutor: [shows the boy a doll] Now, where exactly did the angel touch you?

Boy: [points at the doll's crotch] Here.

Angel: Oh, come on, who are you gonna believe? I got a freakin' halo!

[Peter enters Tom Tucker's office, falsely handicapped]

Peter: Mr. Tucker, I have just become handicapped like Joe Swanson. And I demand commercial endorsements and a TV movie based on me starring Valerie Bertinerni.

Tom: But, Mr. Griffin,...

Peter: Ah-ah. [extracts tape] I even got the first piece you're gonna run: exclusive video footage of my tragic accident.

[he inserts the tape in the TV/VCR, and video of him is shown]

Peter: [on tape] Oh, no! A car going too fast to stop in time! AIEEEEE!

[the tape cuts to a shot of a scarecrow getting hit by the approaching car, then cuts back to Peter, who is on the ground, wailing and flailing]

Peter: I'm handicapped now!

[Tom pauses the tape]

Tom: Mr. Griffin, you can't possibly expect me to believe this. That was a scarecrow dressed in your clothes.

Peter: Oh, come on!

Tom: [runs the tape back] And when I freeze-frame,...

[he pauses at a point where the car hit the scarecrow, and behind the wheel is...]

Tom: That's you driving the car.

Peter: Well, there's your hook!

Tom: Get out.

A Freakin' Special Family Guy Christmas

Lois: Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made you.

Brian: Uh, w-well, it's a little warm in here...

Lois: "Don we now our gay apparel."

Brian: [puts his sweater on] Doesn't get much gayer than this.

Peter: My couch! My TV! [to Brian] What the hell did you do?!

Brian: Me?! Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher?

Peter: I'll tell you who: someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his entire family at risk.

Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows

Goodman: It's a very rare species, the endangered White-Rump Swallow.

Chris: [laughs] Rump.

Peter: This isn't funny, Chris! [laughs] Swallow.

[at a movie theater, the swallow in Peter's beard continuously eats Peter's popcorn]

Peter: Damn it all!

Patrons: SHH!

Peter: Sorry! Sorry.

[the swallow squawks loudly]

Patron 1: Hey, shut up! Keep it down!

Peter: Look, there's nothin' I can do. All right?

Patron 2: Take it outside, pal!

Patron 3: Have you ever heard of a sitter?!

Peter: [jumps out of his seat] Look, it's an endangered species! What am I supposed to do?

Patron 4: I'll make you an endangered species!

Peter: Oh, good comeback, Potsie!

Patron 5: I'll kick your ass! That's what I'll do!

[all patrons clamor indistinctly until the swallow recedes into Peter's beard]

Peter: Look, everybody just shut up! Shut up! He has stopped squawking! He's receded into my beard! We can all watch the movie! Shut up!

[he sits back down, and all is silent for a moment]

Voice: Eric, if you're in here, we're all goin' to Marty's after the movie.

From Method to Madness

Jeff: [about his trophy, which is over his crotch] Is this the biggest thing you've ever seen?

Dave: Hey, don't get too cocky. I had a big one like that when I was your age.

Dottie: Oh, you were a show-off yourself, Dave. He brought it out on our first date.

Peter: Lois, I'm scared. [drops his hot dog] Oh, I'll get that. [reaches under the table]

Dave: Hey!

Peter: Oh! Oh! Oh God, oh, Dave, sorry! Oh, oh, God!

Chris: Boobies!

Lois: Chris, that's enough! Well, I'm sure glad to be out of there!

Peter: You said it, Lois. What those people are doing just ain't natural.

Chris: Boobies!

Lois: Did you hear me, young man?

Meg: I don't know what the big deal was! I thought they were nice!

Chris: Boobies!

Lois: Peter?

Peter: Do it. [everybody besides Chris puts on sunglasses; Lois reveals the Neutralizer from Men in Black, and uses it on Chris]

Lois: Did you have fun at the circus today, Chris?

Chris: Elephants are bigger in person!

Stuck Together, Torn Apart

[Peter is in front of a mirror, preparing for a party]

Meg: Look at that handsome man.

Peter: You son of a bitch! [punches the mirror]

Peter: Why are you holding that infant's hand?

Stewie: Oh, we met on the Internet.

Brian: Shut up!

Stewie: Yes, he lured me down to the park with promises of candy and funny stories.

Road to Europe

Stewie: [encounters Pengrove Pig] Pengrove! I've come to live on Jolly Farm! Oh my, the Magic Tome! [opens the book] Well, it's... it's cardboard. And there are no words, there are just... What is it you've drawn here?

Pengrove: Oh, that's Oswald Owl slamming Mother Maggie in one of them Chinese baskets, eh? [removes his mask to reveal a hideous laughing elderly man] Ah, dead brill, eh?

Stewie: [yells; runs up to a smoking Mother Maggie] Oh, Mother Maggie, thank God! Something's wrong!

Maggie: [in a heavier English accent than on T.V.] Whose stinky brat is this?

Stewie: That's not your voice. Your voice is lyrical, like the gentle strum of a lute!

Maggie: Piss off, ya grotty little wanker! [kicks Stewie off the set and resumes smoking]

Stewie: It's a fake. It's not real.

Brian: I thought it'd be best for you to find out on your own, kid.

Stewie: I feel like such a fool. Don't even look at me!

Brian: Hey, come on. Do you want to get some ice cream? That'd make ya feel better. Right? [Stewie shakes his head no] You wanna get some McDonald's? [Stewie shakes his head no again] You wanna take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes? [Stewie nods his head yes] Okay. Let's go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.