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Family Guy: Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22
Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was canceled in 2002, but after a positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.
- Family Guy and all related characters, episodes, and quotes are a copyright of 20th Century FOX. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the Wikimedia Foundation DO NOT claim ownership or authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference purposes only. Wikiquote, nor its parent company, The Wikimedia Foundation, has no affiliation to 20th Century FOX, or its parent company, News Corp, in any way.
- Please read Family Guy/Format for notes on how to use and edit this article.
Death Has a Shadow
- Stewie: Excellent. The mind control device is nearing completion.
- Lois: Stewie, I said no toys at the table.
- Stewie: Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.
- Lois: Oh, don't pout, honey. You know, when you were born, the doctor said you were the happiest-looking baby he had ever seen.
- Stewie: But, of course! That was my victory day! The fruition of my deeply-laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian Bastille. Return the device, woman!
- Lois: No toys, Stewie.
- Stewie: Very well then. Mark my words: when you least expect it, your uppance will come.
- Peter: Come on, you're worryin' about nothin'.
- Lois: Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the communion wine at church?
- [cutaway to a priest giving a sermon at church]
- Priest: And so the Lord God smote poor Job with festering boils all over his body...
- God: [sitting in one of the pews] Aw, man, I hate it when he tells this story.
- Priest:...yet, miraculously, Job was still able to maintain his dignity.
- Peter: [He is seen drinking lots of communion wine, he coughs] Woah, is that really the blood of Christ?
- Priest: Yes.
- Peter: Man, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day, eh?
- [cut back to the kitchen]
- Lois: And then there was that time at the ice cream store...
- [cutaway to the family at an ice cream store]
- Peter: Aw, butter rum's my favorite! [licks and passes out immediately]
- [cut back to the kitchen]
- Brian: And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia?
- [cutaway to a movie theater. Everyone is sobbing, except for Peter who stares blankly, then claps his hands]
- Peter: I got it. That's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks! That's it, aw, funny guy, Tom Hanks! Everything he says is a stitch!
- Hanks: [on screen] I have AIDS.
- [Peter laughing]
I Never Met the Dead Man
- Stewie: [playing with his Sesame Street phone] Put me through to the Pentagon!
- Phone: Do you know what sound a cow makes?
- Stewie: Don't toy with me, Ernie! I've already dispatched with Mr. Hooper, I've got six armed men stationed outside Big Bird's nest, and as for Linda... well it's rather difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assassin approach, now, isn't it?
- Phone: Can you count to three?
- Stewie: Ho-ho, indeed I can! [pulls out a laser gun and shoots the phone with each number] ONE! TWO! THREE! Can I count to three? For God's sake, I'm already shooting at a fifth-grade level.
- [Lois tries to feed Stewie his broccoli]
- Stewie: Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright Brothers!
- Lois: My, aren't we fussy tonight? OK. No broccoli.
- Stewie: Very well then. I--[Lois shoves the broccoli into his mouth. Stewie spits it out.] Who the hell do you think you are?
- Lois: Honey, it's not gonna go away just because you don't like it.
- Stewie: Well then, my goal becomes clear: The broccoli must die.
Chitty Chitty Death Bang
- [in Lois' womb]
- Stewie: [in his diary] Day 171. I've sprouted another finger. Counting the one from yesterday, [looks at his penis], I'm up to 11.
- Peter: [after losing his Cheesy Charlie's reservation] Chris, this is a big day for you. Today you become the man of the house because when we get home, your mother is going to kill me.
Mind Over Murder
- Soccer Mom: That's the tenth time today! Nice grab, orca! Hey, get Moby Dick off the field before he burps up a license plate!
- Peter: Hey, hey, hey, easy, fella, that's my kid! Now apologize.
- Soccer Mom: Okay, I'm sorry your kid's a brain dead, stinkin' blue cheese [As he knocks the can of beer out of Peter's hand] fat ass!
- Peter: Alright, that's it! [He punches Soccer Dad and everyone gasps]
- Chris: Way to go, Dad!
- Boy: Hey, you hit my mom!
- Peter: No, I hit your dad.
- Man: Whoa! Stand back! Give her some air!
- Peter: You mean, give "him" some air.
- Woman: Call an ambulance! She's going into labor!
- Peter: You...you mean, "he's" going into labor... [sound of baby wailing] Whoops.
A Hero Sits Next Door
- Meg: So, do you like music?
- Kevin: Oh, yeah. I played guitar in a band before we moved, but it interfered with my studies. What do you listen to?
- Meg: Uh, you first.
- Kevin: I'm into Garbage, Phish, Blur. My parents don't like me listenin' to that stuff, but I do, anyway, BECAUSE I AM NOT A ROBOT! [calmly] I also like Radiohead.
- [Peter and Chris Watch the Wheel Of Fortune. The puzzle reads "GO _UCK YOURSELF__"]
- Female Contestant: Pat, I'd like to solve the puzzle. "Go tuck yourself in."
- [Claps and correct sounds are heard As the puzzle reveals "GO TUCK YOURSELF IN"]
- Pat Sajak: You got it!
- Chris: Well, you were close, dad!
- Peter: Yeah. I still can't believe we missed the phrase "my hairy aunt."
The Son Also Draws
- [Peter and Chris are ostensibly trying to earn a merit badge for "insect study."]
- Peter: Look, Chris. It's a whole family of wasps.
- [The scene cuts to a wealthy family eating dinner]
- WASP Father: My, Margaret, what a subpar ham.
- WASP Mother: Perhaps I can't bake a ham, but what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table.
- WASP Father: [after a slight, shocked pause] Patty, did you know that your mother is a whore?
- Stewie: Stupid greedy savages.
- Lois: Stewie, that's a terrible thing to say. This one particular tribe has lost their ways but most Native American are a proud, hard-working people who are a true to their spiritual heritage. They are certainly not savages.
- Stewie: Well, that's funny, mother. Just this morning you said they were lazy like the dirty Mexicans. [chuckles] Just kidding. The Mexicans are a clean and industrious people with a rich cultural heritage.
- Meg: Yeah, not like those dumb gargantuan Swedes. Actually, the Swedish people run a gammon from short to tall, and did you know that Sweden gave us brilliant inventor Alfred Nobel?
- Peter: Yeah. That's more than we got from those free-loading Canadians... Canada sucks!
Brian: Portrait of a Dog
- [Peter has a flashback of when he was on Jeopardy]
- Trebek: [reads the clue] For $800, this chemical dye is found in over 95% of all cosmetic products.
- Peter: [rings in] Diarrhea. [the crowd laughs] What? Oh. Oh. Oh. Sorry. Sorry. What is diarrhea?
- [after seeing the news about the heat wave]
- Chris: [about Diane] I think I saw one of her nipples!
- Lois: Chris, that's a terrible word! [sarcastically] "Nipple". I'll chalk that up to the heat, mister.
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