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The West Wing (1999–2006) is an American serial political drama television series created by Aaron Sorkin that was originally broadcast on NBC. The series is set primarily in the West Wing of the White House, where the Oval Office and offices of presidential senior personnel are located, during the fictitious Democratic administration of President Josiah Bartlet.
Pilot
- Flight Attendant: Sir, I'm going to have to ask that you turn off your cellular phone.
- Toby: We're flying in a Lockheed Eagle Series L-1011. Came off the line ten months ago. Carries a Sim-5 transponder tracking system. And you're telling me I can still flummox this thing with something I bought at Radio Shack?
- Leo: [on the phone with the New York Times] 17 across. Yes, 17 across is wrong... You're spelling his name wrong... What's my name? My name doesn't matter. I am just an ordinary citizen who relies on the Times crossword for stimulation. And I'm telling you that I met the man twice. And I recommended a pre-emptive Exocet missile strike against his air force, so I think I know how...
- C.J.: Leo.
- Leo: They hang up on me every time.
- C.J.: That's almost hard to believe.
- Sam: Ms. O'Brien, I understand your feelings, but please believe me when I tell you that I'm a nice guy having a bad day. I just found out the Times is publishing a poll that says a considerable portion of Americans feel the White House has lost energy and focus. A perception that's not likely to be altered by the video footage of the President riding his bicycle into a tree. As we speak, the Coast Guard is fishing Cubans out of the Atlantic Ocean while the Governor of Florida wants to blockade the Port of Miami. A good friend of mine's about to get fired for going on television and making sense, and it turns out I accidentally slept with a prostitute last night. Now would you please, in the name of compassion, tell me which one of those kids is my boss's daughter?
- Mallory: That would be me.
- Sam: You.
- Mallory: Yes.
- Sam: Leo's daughter's fourth-grade class.
- Mallory: Yes.
- Sam: Well, this is bad on so many levels.
- John Van Dyke: The First Commandment says "Honor thy father."
- Toby: No, it doesn't!
- Josh Lyman: Toby—
- Toby: It doesn't! [C.J. tries to stop him] No! If I'm gonna make you sit through this preposterous exercise, we're gonna get the names of the damn Commandments right!
- Mary Marsh: Okay, here we go.
- Toby: "Honor thy father" is the Third Commandment!
- Van Dyke: Then what's the First Commandment?
- Bartlet: "I am the Lord your God; thou shalt worship no other god before me." [enters the room, walking with a cane] Boy, those were the days, huh?
- Van Dyke: If our children can buy pornography on any street corner for five dollars, isn't that too high a price to pay for free speech?
- Bartlet: No.
- Van Dyke: Really?
- Bartlet: On the other hand, I do think that five dollars is too high a price to pay for pornography.
- C.J.: Why don’t we all sit down?
- Bartlet: No. Let’s not, C.J. These people won’t be staying that long. May I have some coffee, Mr. Lewis? Al, how many times have I asked you to denounce the practices of a fringe group that calls itself The Lambs of God?
- Caldwell: Sir, it’s not up to me to—
- Bartlet: Crap. It is up to you, Al. You know, my wife, Abbey, she never wants me to do anything while I’m upset. [a staffer hands him coffee] Thank you, Mr. Lewis. Twenty-eight years ago, I come home from a very bad day at the State House. I tell Abbey I’m going out for a drive. I get in the station wagon and put it in reverse and pull out of the garage full speed. [Leo and Sam appear in the doorway and quietly enter into the room.] Except I forgot to open the garage door. Abbey told me to not drive while I was upset, and she was right. She was right yesterday when she told me not to get on that damn bicycle while I was upset, but I did it anyway, and I guess I was just about as angry as I’ve ever been in my life. It seems my granddaughter, Annie, had given an interview in one of the teen magazines. And somewhere between movie stars and makeup tips, she talked about her feelings on a woman’s right to choose. Now Annie, all of 12, has always been precocious, but she’s got a good head on her shoulders, and I like it when she uses it. So, I couldn’t understand it when her mother called me in tears yesterday. I said, "Elizabeth, what’s wrong?" She said, "It’s Annie." Now, I love my family, and I’ve read my Bible from cover to cover. So, I want you to tell me from what part of the Holy Scripture do you suppose the Lambs of God drew their Divine inspiration when they sent my 12-year-old granddaughter a Raggedy Ann doll with a knife stuck through its throat? [pause] You’ll denounce these people, Al. You’ll do it publicly. And until you do, you can all get your fat asses out of my White House. C.J., show these people out.
- Mary Marsh: I believe we can find the door.
- Bartlet: Find it now.
Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc
- Lloyd Russell: [referring to his Presidential run, speaking to Mandy, who just drove her car onto a curb] It wasn't going to happen.
- Mandy: You know what the worst part about this is?
- Lloyd Russell: Well, I think you dinged up your suspension pretty good.
- Mandy: No, Lloyd, it's the party they're having, right now, in the West Wing, at my expense.
- Lloyd Russell: They're not having a party in the West Wing.
- Mandy: I worked with these people for two and a half years. They like to win and they like to gloat.
- Lloyd Russell: I'm sure you're wrong.
- Mandy: I'm sure I'm not.
- Lloyd Russell: There are very serious people working at the White House. A blow was struck for party unity today, there's no cause to gloat.
- [cut to the White House]
- Josh: Victory is mine, victory is mine. Great day in the morning, people, victory is mine.
- Donna: Morning Josh.
- Josh: I drink from the keg of glory, Donna. Bring me the finest muffins and bagels in all the land. [pumps his fists]
- Donna: It's going to be an unbearable day.
- Toby: Mrs. Landingham, does the President have free time this morning?
- Mrs. Landingham: The President has nothing but free time, Toby. Right now he's in the residence eating Cheerios and enjoying Regis and Kathie Lee. Should I get him for you?
- Toby: Sarcasm's a disturbing thing coming from a woman of your age, Mrs. Landingham.
- Mrs. Landingham: What age would that be, Toby?
- Toby: ...Late twenties?
- Mrs. Landingham: Atta boy.
- Toby: Can I have a cookie?
- Mrs. Landingham: No.
- [Sam walks in]
- Mrs. Landingham: Good morning, Sam.
- Sam: Good morning.
- Mrs. Landingham: Have a cookie, Sam.
- C.J.: Sir, this may be a good time to talk about your sense of humor.
- Bartlet: I've got an intelligence briefing, a security briefing, and a 90-minute budget meeting all scheduled for the same 45 minutes. You sure this is a good time to talk about my sense of humor?
- C.J.: No.
- Bartlet: Me neither.
- C.J.: It's just that it's not the first time that it's happened.
- Bartlet: I know.
- Toby: We're talking about Texas, sir.
- Bartlet: I know.
- C.J.: USA Today asks you why you don't spend more time campaigning in Texas and you say it's because you don't look good in funny hats.
- Sam: It was big hats.
- C.J.: What difference does it make?
- Bartlet: It makes a difference.
- C.J.: The point is we got whomped in Texas.
- Josh: We got whomped in Texas twice.
- C.J.: We got whomped in the primary and we got whomped in November.
- Bartlet: I think I was there.
- C.J.: And it was avoidable. Sir.
- Bartlet: C.J., on your tombstone it's gonna read 'Post hoc ergo propter hoc.'
- CJ: Okay, but none of my visitors are going to be able to understand my tombstone.
- Bartlet: Twenty-seven lawyers in the room, anybody know 'post hoc, ergo propter hoc'? Josh?
- Josh: Ah, post, after hoc, ergo, therefore... After hoc, therefore something else hoc.
- Bartlet: Thank you. Next? Leo.
- Leo: 'After it, therefore because of it'.
- Bartlet: 'After it, therefore because of it'. It means one thing follows the other, therefore it was caused by the other. But it's not always true. In fact, it's hardly ever true. We did not lose Texas because of the hat joke. Do you know when we lost Texas?
- C.J.: When you learned to speak Latin?
- Bartlet: Go figure.
- Bartlet: What is that?
- Morris: It's a flu shot.
- Bartlet: I don't need a flu shot.
- Morris: You do need a flu shot.
- Bartlet: How do I know this isn't the start of a military coup?
- Morris: Sir?
- Bartlet: I want the Secret Service in here right away.
- Morris: In the event of a military coup, sir, what makes you think the Secret Service is gonna be on your side?
- Bartlet: Now that's a thought that's gonna fester.
- Sam: About a week ago I accidentally slept with a prostitute.
- Toby: Really?
- Sam: Yes.
- Toby: You accidentally slept with a prostitute.
- Sam: Call girl.
- Toby: Accidentally.
- Sam: Yes.
- Toby: I don't understand. Did you trip over something?
A Proportional Response
- Josh: A couple of things for you to bear in mind. First of all, he didn't know she was a call girl when he slept with her. He did not pay her money. He didn't participate in, have knowledge of, or witness anything illegal. Or for that matter, unethical, immoral, or suspect.
- C.J.: Okay. A couple things for you to bear in mind. None of that matters on Hard Copy!
- Josh: You're overreacting.
- C.J.: Am I?
- Josh: Yes.
- C.J.: As women are prone to do.
- Josh: That's not what I meant.
- C.J.: That's always what you mean.
- Josh: You know what, C.J., I really think I'm the best judge of what I mean, you paranoid Berkeley shiksa feminista! ...Whoa, that was way too far.
- C.J.: No, no. Well, I've got a staff meeting to go to and so do you, you elitist Harvard fascist missed-the-dean's-list-two-semesters-in-a-row Yankee jackass!
- Josh: Feel better getting that off your chest there, C.J.?
- C.J.: I'm a whole new woman.
- Josh: You look like a million bucks, by the way.
- C.J.: Don't try to make up with me.
- Sam: [reading a newspaper article, quoting a congressman] "Folks down here are patriotic, fiercely patriotic. The President better not be planning on making any visits to this base. If he does, he may not get out alive."
- Toby: He said that? Sitting there with military officers?
- Josh: Don't take the bait.
- Toby: Josh.
- Josh: Don't take the bait!
- Toby: You'd better believe I'm going to take the bait.
- Leo: There ought to be a law against it.
- Josh: Why'd you get him started?
- [Leo shrugs]
- Toby: There is a law against it! How about threatening the life of the President? He was talking to other people: how about conspiracy? They were military officers, how about treason? That was a member of our own party, Leo. That was a Democrat who said that!
- Leo: It's bad, I know.
- Toby: That's it?
- Leo: What are you going to do?
- Toby: Have the Justice Department bring him in pending felony charges.
- Josh: Toby's right. What's the good of being in power if you're not going to haul your enemies in for questioning?
- Toby: We're really not gonna do anything about this?
- Leo: Yeah, cause what we really need to do is arrest people for being mean to the President.
- Toby: There is no law. There is no decency.
- Josh: He’s just getting that now.
- Bartlet: What's the virtue of the proportional response?
- Admiral Fitzwallace: I'm sorry?
- Bartlet: What is the virtue of a proportional response? Why's it good? They hit an airplane, so we hit a transmitter, right? That's a proportional response.
- Admiral Fitzwallace: Sir, in the case of Pericles 1 --
- Bartlet: [talking over him] They hit a barracks, so we hit two transmitters.
- Admiral Fitzwallace: That's roughly it, yes, sir.
- Bartlet: This is what we do. I mean, this is what we do.
- Leo: Yes, sir, it's what we do. It's what we've always done.
- Bartlet: Well, if it's what we do, if it's what we've always done, don't they know we're going to do it?
- Leo: Sir, if you'd turn your attention to Pericles 1 --
- Bartlet: I have turned my attention to Pericles 1. It's two ammo dumps, an abandoned railroad bridge and a Syrian intelligence agency.
- Admiral Fitzwallace: Those are four highly-rated targets, sir.
- Bartlet: But they know we're gonna do that. They know we're gonna do that! Those areas have been abandoned for three days now. We know that from the satellite, right? We have the intelligence. [over Leo's attempt to speak up] They did that, so we did this. It's the cost of doing business. It's been factored in, right?
- Leo: Mr. President --
- Bartlet: Am I right, or am I missing something here?
- Admiral Fitzwallace: No, sir. You're right, sir.
- Bartlet: Then I ask again, what is the virtue of a proportional response?
- Admiral Fitzwallace: It isn't virtuous, Mr. President. It's all there is, sir.
- Bartlet: It is not all there is.
- Leo: Sir, Admiral Fitzwallace --
- Admiral Fitzwallace: Excuse me, Leo...pardon me, Mr. President, just what else is there?
- Bartlet: The disproportional response. Let the word ring forth, from this time and this place, gentlemen, you kill an American, any American, we don't come back with a proportional response. We come back with total disaster! [He bangs the table]
- General: Are you suggesting that we carpet-bomb Damascus?
- Bartlet: I am suggesting, General, that you, and Admiral Fitzwallace, and Secretary Hutchinson, and the rest of the National Security Team take the next sixty minutes and put together an American response scenario that doesn't make me think we're just docking somebody's damn allowance!
- Bartlet: What do you need, Leo?
- Leo: Well, you've gone through everyone who works for you and everyone who's married to you. I didn't know who else you could get mad at, so I was afraid the American people might be next. Oh, by the way, when we're done here you're sending Abby some flowers.
- Bartlet: [nods] Did you know that two thousand years ago a Roman citizen could walk across the face of the known world free of the fear of molestation? He could walk across the Earth unharmed, cloaked only in the protection of the words civis Romanus -- I am a Roman citizen. So great was the retribution of Rome, universally understood as certain, should any harm befall even one of its citizens. Where was Morris's protection, or anybody else on that airplane? Where was the retribution for the families, and where is the warning to the rest of the world that Americans shall walk this Earth unharmed, lest the clenched fist of the most mighty military force in the history of mankind comes crashing down on your house?! In other words, Leo, what the hell are we doing here?!
- Leo: We are behaving the way a superpower ought to behave.
- Bartlet: Well, our behavior has produced some crappy results; in fact, I'm not a hundred per cent sure it hasn't induced it.
- Leo: What are you talking about?
- Bartlet: I'm talking about two hundred and eighty-six American marines in Beirut, I'm talking about Somalia, I'm talking about Nairobi-
- Leo: And you think ratcheting up the body count's gonna act as a deterrent?
- Bartlet: You're damn right I-
- Leo: Oh, then you are just as stupid as these guys who think capital punishment is going to be a deterrent for drug kingpins. As if drug kingpins didn't live their day to day lives under the possibility of execution, and their executions are a lot less dainty than ours and tend to take place without the bother and expense of due process. So, my friend, if you want to start using American military strength as the arm of the Lord, you can do that. We're the only superpower left. You can conquer the world, like Charlemagne! But you better be prepared to kill everyone. And you better start with me, because I will raise up an army against you and I will beat you!
- Bartlet: [pause] He had a ten-day old baby at home.
- Leo: I know.
- Bartlet: We are doing nothing.
- Leo: We are not doing nothing.
- Bartlet: We're destroying-
- Leo: Four high-rated military targets!
- Bartlet And this is good?
- Leo: Of course it's not good. There is no good. It's what there is! It's how you behave if you're the most powerful nation in the world. It's proportional, it's reasonable, it's responsible, it's merciful! It's not nothing. Four high-rated military targets.
- Bartlet: Which they'll rebuild again in six months.
- Leo: Then we'll blow 'em up again in six months! We're getting really good at it. [pause] It's what our fathers taught us.
- Bartlet: [nods] Why didn't you say so? [pause, sitting down] Oh, man, Leo...when I think of all the work you put in to get me to run, when I think of all the work you did to get me elected...I could pummel your ass with a baseball bat.
- [Leo and Bartlet laugh]
- Josh: This was just, I think, a bad day. I have to tell you, he's ordinarily an extremely kind man, placing a very high premium on civility. Today...it's just been a very difficult few days for him.
- Charlie: I think I should probably go.
- [Bartlet comes in]
- Bartlet: Excuse me, Charlie? Can I see you inside, please? Come on, it's okay.
- [Charlie walks toward him hesitantly and Bartlet sticks out his hand]
- Bartlet: I'm Jed Bartlet.
- Charlie: I'm Charles Young, sir.
- Bartlet: But you prefer Charlie, right? Listen, Leo McGarry filled me in on the situation with your mother. I'm so very sorry. I hope you don't mind, but I took the liberty of calling Tom Connolly, the FBI Director, and we had the computer spit out some quick information. Your mother was killed by a Western .38 revolver firing KTWs, or what are known as cop-killer bullets. Now, we have not had a whole lot of success yet in banning that weapon and those bullets off the streets, but we're planning on taking a big whack at it when Congress comes back from recess. So, what do you say? You want to come help us out?
- Charlie: [smiling] Yes, sir, I do.
- Bartlet: Thank you, Charlie. [shakes his hand]
- ...
- Charlie: I've never felt like this before.
- Josh: It doesn't go away.
Five Votes Down
- Josh: Forgive my bluntness, and I say this with all due respect, Congressman, but vote yes, or you're not even going to be on the ballot two years from now.
- Katzenmoyer: How do you figure?
- Josh: You're going to lose in the primary.
- Katzenmoyer: There's no Democrat running against me.
- Josh: Sure there is.
- Katzenmoyer: Who?
- Josh: Whomever we pick.
- Katzenmoyer: You're bluffing.
- Josh: Okay.
- Katzenmoyer: I'm in your own party!
- Josh: Doesn't seem to be doing us much good now, does it?
- Katzenmoyer: Against an incumbent Democrat. You'll go to the press and endorse a challenger?
- Josh: No sir. We're going to do it in person. See, you won with fifty-two percent, but the President took your district with fifty-nine. And I think it's high time we come back and say thanks. Do you have any idea how much noise Air Force One makes when it lands in Eau Claire, Wisconsin? We're going to have a party, Congressman. You should come, it's gonna be great. And when the watermelon's done, right in town square, right in the band gazebo... You guys got a band gazebo?
- Katzenmoyer: Josh...
- Josh: Doesn't matter, we'll build one. Right in the band gazebo, that's where the President is going to drape his arm around the shoulder of some assistant DA we like. And you should have your camera with you. You should get a picture of that. 'Cause that's gonna be the moment you're finished in Democratic politics. President Bartlet's a good man. He's got a good heart. He doesn't hold a grudge. That's what he pays me for.
- Reporter: I'm curious about the President's farm in Manchester. The property value increased $750,000. What's that due to?
- C.J.: Secret Service improvements.
- Reporter: Can you go into detail, please?
- C.J.: The property now includes a helipad and the ability to run a global war from the sun porch.
- Josh: You know, I realize that as an adult not everyone shares my view of the world, and with an issue as hot as gun control I'm prepared to accept a lot of different points of view as being perfectly valid, but we can all get together on the grenade launcher, right?
- Toby: There's literally no one in the world that I don't hate right now.
- Bartlet: [on pain medication] Hey!
- Leo: Mr. President. I thought you were staying in bed.
- Bartlet: Oh, I feel fine.
- Leo: Uh... Maybe you should get back to the residence.
- Bartlet: Hmm?
- Leo: I said, maybe you should get back to the residence. Maybe you should lie down.
- Bartlet: Absolutely no need. I'm fine. What's going on here?
- Sam: Nothing you need to concern yourself with, Mr. President. Merely a perception issue regarding Toby and the financial disclosure.
- Bartlet: Well, I like to roll up my sleeves and, you know ... get involved.
- C.J.: Mr. President. Did you by any chance take your back pills?
- Bartlet: I don't mind telling you C.J. I was in a little pain there.
- Leo: Which did you take, sir, the Vicodin or the Percocet?
- Bartlet: I wasn't supposed to take 'em both?
- C.J.: Okay, Mr. President, we're going to have someone take you back to bed.
- Bartlet: No, no, no. Sit, sit, sit. One of you's got a problem, and I'm here to help. You guys are like family. You've always been there for me. You've always been loyal, honest, hard-working good people, and I love you all very much, and I don't say that often enough. [to Sam] So, tell me what the problem is, Toby.
- Sam: I'm Sam, sir.
- Bartlet: Sam, of course you are.
- Toby: Sir, the situation basically is this. I arranged for a friend to testify to Commerce on Internet stocks, while simultaneously, but unrelated to that, bought a technology issue which, partly due to my friend's testimony, shot through the roof.
- Bartlet: Toby. Toby, Toby, Toby. Toby's a nice name, don't you think?
- Toby: Can we possibly do this meeting at another time?
- Bartlet: No, no, no, I know my body. I know my muscles aren't, you know, but my mind is sharp. I can focus. I'm focused. You all know that about me. Here's what I think we ought to do. [beat] Was I just saying something?
The Crackpots and These Women
- Toby: [while playing basketball] It's not so much that you cheat sir, it's how brazenly bad you are at it.
- Bartlet: I beg your pardon! When have I ever cheated?
- Toby: How about in Florida, playing mixed doubles with me and C.J., you tried to tell us your partner worked at the American Consulate in Vienna.
- Bartlet: She did.
- Toby: It was Steffi Graf, sir!
- Bartlet: I'll admit the woman bore a striking resemblance to her.
- Toby: You crazy lunatic! You think I'm not going to recognize Steffi Graf when she's serving a tennis ball at me?!
- ...
- Toby: Not so fast.
- Bartlet: What's the problem?
- Toby: Mr. Grant, your name sounds awfully familiar... Before you joined up with the President's Council on Physical Fitness, a council, I might add, the President would
do well to avail himself of... Is it possible, that you played some organized ball?
- Grant: Yeah, I used to play a little with my friends.
- Toby: And where was that?
- Grant: I'm sorry?
- Toby: Where would that be?
- Grant: Duke.
- [Toby and Josh laugh out loud]
- Toby: This guy was in the Final Four!
- Leo: Andrew Jackson, in the main foyer of his White House had a big block of cheese.
- Toby: Huh.
- Leo: I am making a mental list of those who are snickering, and even as I speak, I am preparing appropriate retribution. The block of cheese was huge - over two tons. And it was there for any and all who might be hungry.
- Toby: Leo, wouldn't this time be better spent plotting a war against a country that can't possibly defend itself against us?
- Leo: We can do that later, Toby. Right now, I'm talking about President Andrew Jackson.
- Sam Actually, right now, you're talking about a big block of cheese.
- Leo: And Sam goes on my list!
- Sam: What about Toby?
- Leo: I'm unpredictable. Jackson wanted the White House to belong to the people, so from time to time, he opened his doors to those who wished an audience.
- Mandy: And then he locked the doors behind them and made them eat two tons of cheese.
- Leo: It is in that spirit...
- Sam: Hang on. Mandy doesn't go on the list?
- Leo: Mandy's new.
- Sam: So it's just me... on the list?
- Leo: Yes. It is in the spirit of Andrew Jackson that I, from time to time, ask senior staff to have face-to-face meetings with those people representing organizations who have a difficult time getting our attention. I know the more jaded among you, see this as something rather beneath you. But I assure you that listening to the voices of passionate Americans is beneath no one, and surely not the peoples' servants.
- Josh: [walks in with C.J.] Sorry, we're late. Is it "Total Crackpot Day" again?
- Leo: Yes, it is.
- Sam: And let us please note that Josh does not go on the list.
- Bartlet: Hey, everybody, listen up - Zoey's down from Hanover and I'm making chili for everyone tonight!
- [Everyone looks horrified]
- Josh: Oh God...
- Various: [With a noticeable lack of enthusiasm] Great! Great!
- Bartlet: [Put out] Okay, you know what? Let's do this. Everybody look down at the big seal in the middle of my carpet. [Everyone looks down at the Presidential seal] Now look back up at me. [They do so] Zoey's down from Hanover and I'm making chili for everyone tonight!
- Everyone: [With more convincing forced enthusiasm] That's great! I love chili! Terrific!
- Bartlet: There! You see how benevolent I can be when everybody just does what I tell them to do?
- [Josh is in his office, with Schubert's "Ave Maria" playing on his boombox]
- Josh: C.J., an NSC staffer gave me a card with instructions on it for what I'm supposed to do in the event of a nuclear attack. They want me up in the plane or down in a bunker. They don't want you... or Sam, or Toby, for that matter. I didn't want to be friends with you and have you not know.
- C.J.: [surprised] Josh, have you been upset about this?
- Josh: Yes.
- C.J.: You're very sweet sometimes. You really are.
- Josh: C.J...
- C.J.: Of course they don't want me, Josh! I'm a press secretary. I don't think they're going to be issuing a whole lot of releases. Sam and Toby are communications and my guess is that speech writing won't be a priority either. Come, have some fun. [starts to leave]
- Josh: [points at his boombox] This is a beautiful piece of music. Do you know this?
- C.J.: ...I'm Catholic.
- Josh: Hang on. Listen. Listen. [turns up his boombox at the words "O Jungfrau, sieh der Jungfrau Sorgen"] There, right there. It's... miraculous. [beat] Schubert was crazy, you know.
- C.J.: [nods] Yes.
- Josh: Do you think you have to be crazy to create something powerful?
- C.J.: Josh, the Cold War is over. There's not going to be a nuclear–
- Josh: God, C.J. It's not going to be like that. It's not gonna be the red phone and nuclear bombs.
- C.J.: What's it going to be?
- Josh: It's going to be this! It's going to be something like this. Smallpox has been gone for fifty years. No one has an acquired immunity. Flies through the air. You get it, you carry a ten-foot cloud around with you. One in three people die. If 100 people in New York City got it, you'd have to encircle them with 100 million vaccinated people to contain it. Do you know how many doses of smallpox vaccines exist in the country? Seven! If 100 people in New York City get it, there's gonna be a global medical emergency that's gonna make HIV look like cold and flu season. That's how it's gonna be, a little test tube with a... a rubber cap that's deteriorating... a guy steps out of Times Square station, [imitates a smashing noise]. smashes it on the sidewalk... there is a world war right there.
- C.J.: We'll make more vaccine.
- Josh: You better hurry, 'cause I'm the only one with one of these cards.
- Bartlet: I understand that today was another one of Leo's 'big block of cheese' days! You all start out so cynical, but it never fails. By the end of the day, there's always one or two converts, right? And today was no exception. C.J. Cregg is gonna be up all night writing a position paper for the interior department on the necessity of wildlife protection. [C.J. laughs] C.J., I don't mind the cost of this wolves-only highway. It's the segregation. The ACLU is gonna file a petition on behalf of some reindeer and then we're all screwed. [Everyone laughs] Sam Seaborn had a guy who spotted a UFO today, am I right? Sam laughed him out of his office, but you've been thinking about it ever since. But you can rest assured, Sam. It was not a spaceship from another planet, just another time -- a long since abandoned Soviet satellite. One of its booster rockets didn't fire and it couldn't escape Earth's orbit. A sad reminder of the time when two powerful nations challenged each other and then boldly raced into outer space. What will be the next thing that challenges us, Toby? That makes us go farther and work harder? You know that when smallpox was eradicated, it was considered the single greatest humanitarian achievement of this century? Surely, we can do it again, as we did in the time when our eyes looked towards the heavens, and with outstretched fingers we touched the face of God. Here's to absent friends and the ones that are here now. Cheers.
Mr. Willis of Ohio
- Sam: C.J., we've been working on this commerce bill for three weeks, I hear you talk about the census all the time.
- C.J.: Yeah. Yeah.
- Sam: Well... I don't understand. How could you-
- C.J.: I've been faking it.
- Sam: You've been faking it?
- C.J.: I've been playing it fast and loose there's no doubt about it, but sitting in on some of the meetings we've been having, and reading the briefing book last night, I have to say that the census is starting to sound to me like it's, well, important.
- Sam: Ah-hah.
- C.J.: And, I've come to the realization that if I'm gonna be talking about it all week, it's probably best that I understand what I'm saying.
- Sam: When?
- C.J.: When what?
- Sam: When did you come to this realization?
- C.J.: About an hour ago.
- Sam: Okay. Let's... I tell you what, let's forget the fact that you're coming a little late to the party and embrace the fact that you showed up at all.
- C.J.: That's what I say.
- Josh: Sam, I'm taking Charlie for a beer tonight before the vote. Zoey and Mallory are coming.
- Sam: Sounds good.
- C.J.: I like beer.
- Josh: If you want to come, I guess that'd be okay.
- C.J.: Why, Josh, you've swept me off my feet.
- Charlie: [at a Georgetown bar] Is everything all right, Zoey?
- Guy 2: Hey. He just called her Zoey.
- Charlie: Come on, let's go back to the table.
- Guy 1: Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. What's up Sammy?
- Charlie: Zoey?
- [Zoey moves towards Charlie and the guys block her]
- Guy 1: Excuse me. Excuse me. We're just trying to buy the girl a drink, man.
- Charlie: She's 19 years old man. You'd have to take her to Maryland.
- Guy 3: Check out Super Fly.
- Zoey: Hey!
- Charlie: Let's go.
- Guy 1: No. Why don't you go? Alright?
- Charlie: Look guys. You don't know who this is. You don't want any trouble. Just be cool, alright?
- Guy 1: Be cool.
- Charlie: Yeah. I'm just saying, I'm looking out for you.
- Guy 1 : I understand what you're saying. You just want me to be cool, alright?
- Charlie: Can I buy you guys a round?
- Guy 3: Like LL Cool J man, like Ice-T.
- Guy 2: Ice cube, Ice tray man.
- ...
- Guy 1: Why don't you do some of that hip-hop for us G-Funk?
- Guy 2: Dr. Huffy Puffy dread man, Dr Dolittle Man?
- Charlie: Would you let us by please?
- Guy 1: No. What are you doing here with this girl? Huh? Huh? Cause you know what, to me you look to be Dr. Faggot!
- Sam: [coming up from behind] Hey! What the hell is going on around here?
- Guy 1: Who the hell are you?
- Sam: Kiss my ass. Zoey?
- Zoey: I'm fine.
- Guy 1: Kiss your what, Fairy Poppins?
- Sam: Charlie?
- Charlie: Everything's fine.
- Guy 1: Hey, you want to go?
- Sam: What?
- Guy 1: You want to go? Let's do it. Right now. Come on.
- Josh: [coming up from behind Charlie] How's everybody doin'?
- Guy 1: Oh good, more fairy boys.
- Josh: Excuse me?
- Guy 1: I said, more fairy boys.
- Josh: Oh, this is too good to be true.
- [Mallory and C.J. come up behind Josh and Sam]
- Guy 2: [indicating Josh] Hey, I recognize this guy. [indicating Zoey] And she looks familiar too.
- Josh: [Pressing Zoey's panic button] Yeah. You guys don't realize it, but you're having a pretty bad night.
- Guy 1: [Sarcastic and aggressive] Oh really - and who's gonna give it to us, huh?
- [The door slams open and Secret Service agents burst in]
- Agent: Federal agents!
- [Josh and Sam raise their arms and point at the three guys]
- Sam and Josh: Right here!
- [The agents grab the startled and protesting guys and force them head-first onto the bar whilst one grabs Zoey and guides her out protectively]
- Agent: Shut up! I swear to God I'll blow your head off. Everybody stand back.
- Guy 1: [to Charlie] Hey, I ain't done with you, Sammy.
- Charlie: My name is Charlie Young, jackass. And if that bulge in your pocket's an 8-ball of blow, you'll be spending Spring Break in a federal prison. [to Josh] Now I'm having a good time.
- Bartlet: The Secret Service...
- Zoey: The Secret Service should worry about you getting shot!
- Bartlet: They are worried about me getting shot. I'm worried about me getting shot! But that is nothing compared to how terrified we are of you. You scare the hell out of the Secret Service, Zoey, and you scare the hell out of me, too. My getting killed would be bad enough, but that is not the nightmare scenario. The nightmare scenario, sweetheart, is you getting kidnapped. You go out to a bar or a party in some club and you get up to go to the restroom. Somebody comes up from behind, puts their hand across your mouth and whisks you out the back door. You're so petrified you don't even notice the bodies of two Secret Service agents lying on the ground with bullet holes in their heads. Then you're whisked away in a car. It's a big party with lots of noise and lots of people coming and going and it's a half hour before someone says, "Hey, where's Zoey?" Another fifteen minutes before the first phone call. It's another hour and a half before anyone even thinks to shut down all the airports! And now we're off to the races! You're tied to a chair in a cargo shack somewhere in the middle of Uganda and I am told that I have seventy-two hours to get Israel to free four hundred and sixty terrorist prisoners. So I'm on the phone, pleading with Binyamin and he's saying "I'm sorry Mr. President, but Israel simply does not negotiate with terrorists, period! It's the only way we can survive." So now we got a new problem, because this country no longer has a commander-in-chief but has a father who's out of his mind because his little girl is in a shack somewhere in Uganda with a gun to her head! Do you get it?!
- [In response to Josh's earlier speech to Donna about why the government does not issue refund checks for each person's portion of the budget surplus.]
- Josh: Donna? How much were the sandwiches?
- Donna: $12.95
- Josh: I gave you a twenty.
- Donna: Yes, as it turns out, actually, you gave me more money than I needed to buy what you asked for. However, knowing you, as I do, I'm afraid I can't trust you to spend the change wisely. I've decided to invest it for you.
- Josh: That was nice. That was a little parable.
- Donna: I want my money back.
The State Dinner
- Donna: I’m not wild about this whole Indonesian thing.
- Josh: What’s the problem?
- Donna: I’ve been doing some reading on my own.
- Josh: I wish you wouldn’t do that.
- Donna: Why?
- Josh: Because you tend to cull some bizarre factoid from a less than reputable source and then you blow it all out of proportion.
- Donna: I do not.
- Josh: Donna...
- Donna: I just thought you might like to know that in certain parts of Indonesia, they summarily execute people they suspect of being sorcerers.
- Josh: What?
- Donna: I read it.
- Josh: They... summarily execute people they suspect of being sorcerers?
- Donna: They behead them.
- Josh: Sorcerers.
- Donna: Gangs of roving people. Beheading those they suspect of being sorcerers. You know with... what’s that thing that Death carries?
- Josh: A scythe.
- Donna: They’re doing it with a scythe.
- Josh: Well, thanks for the head’s up.
- Donna: I thought you might like to know who’s coming over for dinner.
- Josh: You bet.
- Harry: Mr. President?
- C.J.: No questions right now, Harry.
- Harry: A short one.
- Bartlet: She’s not worried about the length of your question, she’s worried about the length of my response.
- Mandy: It really bugs you that the President listens to me sometimes.
- Josh: Yes, but you shouldn’t take it personally. It bugs me when the President listens to anyone who isn’t me.
- Mandy: What about a negotiator?
- Military officer: Negotiate what?
- Mandy: A peaceful settlement.
- Josh: This is a standoff with federal officers. A peaceful settlement is "put your guns down, you’re under arrest."
- Mandy: I think it would be wise if we demonstrated that we exhausted every possible peaceful solution before we got all Ramboed up.
- Josh: I don’t think it’s unreasonably macho for the White House to be aggressive in preserving democracy.
- Mandy: Let me tell you something. Ultimately, it is not the nuts that are the greatest threat to democracy, as history has shown us over and over and over again, the greatest threat to democracy is the unbridled power of the state over its citizens. Which, by the way, that power is always unleashed in the name of preservation.
- Josh: This isn’t abstract, Mandy. This isn’t a theoretical problem. The FBI says come out with your hands up, you come out with your hands up. At which point, you’re free to avail yourself of the entire justice system.
- Mandy: Do you really believe that? Or are you just pissed off because I got into the game?
- Bartlet: Time’s up.
- Little: Actually, if I may, Mr. President. I didn’t get my full five minutes.
- Bartlet: Yes, I know. But I got tired of listening to you. Now you listen to me. I have a Nobel Prize in Economics and I’m here to tell you that none of you know what the hell you’re talking about. At 12:01 am, I’m using my executive power to nationalize the trucking industry.
- Little: You can’t do that, Mr. President...
- Bartlet: Fourteen White House lawyers disagree. Truman did it in ‘52 with the coal mines.
- Little: And it was struck down by the Supreme Court.
- Bartlet: In 50 years. There’s a new bench and I’ll take my chances. As for Labor, I am calling Congress into Emergency Session to grant me the authority to draft the truckers into military service. [Russo and the Truckers Union delegates look dumbfounded] You’re going to love our food. Nice talking to you folks. If this isn’t settled in 47 minutes, don’t worry. We know where to find you.
Enemies
- Bartlet: Yellowstone, established by an act signed by Ulysses S. Grant was the nation's first national park - March 1, 1872.
- Josh: [stands] It's getting late, sir. I was wondering, are we through for the evening?
- Bartlet: [smiling] Well, we're through with work, Josh, but this part's fun.
- Josh: What part, sir?
- Bartlet: The part where I get you to sit down, and teach you a little something.
- Josh: [sits] Ah.
- Bartlet: Yeah.
- Josh: You're not tired, sir?
- Bartlet: No.
- Josh: Perhaps, if you get into bed and...
- Bartlet: I'm a national park buff. I bet you didn't know that about me.
- Josh: Well, I didn't know that about you, sir, but I'm certainly not surprised.
- Bartlet: Why is that?
- Josh: You're... quite a nerd, Mr. President.
- Bartlet: Really?
- Josh: Yes, sir.
- Bartlet: I assume that was said with all due respect.
- Josh: Yes, sir.
- Bartlet: Is it nerd-like to know that Everglades National Park is the largest remaining subtropical wilderness in the continental United States, and has extensive mangrove forests?
- Josh: Just a little bit. Yes, sir.
- Bartlet: There are 54 national parks in the country, Josh.
- Josh: Please tell me you haven't been to all of them.
- Bartlet: I have been to all of them. I should show you my slide collection.
- Josh: Oh, would you?
- Bartlet: [counting on his fingers] Grand Canyon, Bryce Canyon, Badlands, Capitol Reef, Acadia, which is so often overlooked...
- Josh: You should certainly feel free to keep talking, but I need to go home so I could be back in my office in... four hours.
- Bartlet: Dry Tortugas...
- Josh: See, the thing is, I can't leave without your permission.
- Bartlet: Petrified Forest, North Cascades, Joshua Tree, Shenandoah National Park, right here in Virginia! [bangs hand on couch] We should organize a staff field-trip to Shenandoah. I could even act as the guide. What do you think?
- Josh: [Under his breath] Good a place as any to dump your body.
- Bartlet: What was that?
- Josh: ...Did I say that out loud?
- Bartlet: See, and I was gonna let you go home.
- Josh: [Sinking feeling] ...But instead?
- Bartlet: We're gonna talk about Yosemite.
- Bartlet: Actually, I find these Cabinet meetings to be a fairly mind-numbing experience, but Leo assures me they are Constitutionally required, so let's get it over with.
- Toby: All right... It couldn't have gone far, right?
- Sam: No.
- Toby: Somewhere in this building... is our talent.
- Sam: Yes.
- Sam: You're asking me out on a date.
- Mallory: No, I'm asking you to accompany me to see an internationally renowned opera company perform a work indigenous to its culture.
- Sam: Right, and in what way will it distinguish itself from a date?
- Mallory: There will be, under no circumstances, sex for you at the end of the evening.
- Sam: [shrugs] Okay.
- Mallory: So what do you say?
- Sam: Well, like most people I'm an absolute nut for Chinese opera. The Chinese being known the world over for their soaring and romantic melodies, and what with your guarantee that there won’t be sex, I don’t see how I could say no.
- Hoynes: What did I ever do to you? Where, in our past, what did I do to make you treat me this way?
- Bartlet: John...
- Hoynes: What did I ever do except deliver the South?
- Bartlet: Really?
- Hoynes: Yeah.
- Bartlet: You shouldn't have made me beg, John. I was asking you to be Vice President.
- Hoynes: Due respect, Mr. President, you had just kicked my ass in the primary. I'm 15 years younger than you are and I have my career to think of.
- Bartlet: Then don’t stand there and ask the question, John. It weakened me right out of the gate. You shouldn’t have made me beg.
The Short List
- Leo: One in three?
- C.J.: Yes.
- Leo: He said one in three White House staffers are on drugs?
- C.J.: Yes.
- Leo: Where does he get these stats?
- C.J.: Leo-
- Leo: I mean where does he pull them from?
- C.J.: Out of the clear blue sky, but that doesn’t matter!
- Leo: [to Margaret] Is somebody bringing me a tape of this?
- Margaret: They're getting it. [leaves]
- Mandy: This isn’t happening to me.
- Leo: Nothing’s happening. Stay cool.
- Sam: [walks in] Is it possible for Peter Lillianfield to be a bigger jackass? You think if he tried hard, there’s room for him to be a slightly bigger horse's ass than he’s being right now?
- C.J.: At some point you hit your head on the ceiling, don’t you?
- Sam: I think there’s unexplored potential.
- Josh: [enters] ‘Sup.
- Mandy: Josh.
- Josh: Five White House staffers in the room. I would like to say to the 1.6 of you who are stoned right now that it’s time to share.
- Sam: In 1787, there was a sizable block of delegates who were initially opposed to the Bill of Rights. This is what a member of the Georgia delegation had to say by way of opposition; 'If we list a set of rights, some fools in the future are going to claim that people are entitled only to those rights enumerated and no others.' So the Framers knew–
- Harrison: Were you just calling me a fool, Mr. Seaborn?
- Sam: I wasn't calling you a fool, sir. The brand new state of Georgia was.
- Sam: It's not just about abortion, it's about the next 20 years. Twenties and Thirties it was the role of government, Fifties and Sixties it was civil rights. The next two decades it's gonna be privacy. I'm talking about the Internet. I'm talking about cell phones. I'm talking about health records and who's gay and who's not. And moreover, in a country born on the will to be free, what could be more fundamental than this?
- Bartlet: Did you have a drink yesterday?
- Leo: No, sir.
- Bartlet: Do you plan to have a drink today?
- Leo: No, sir.
- Bartlet: That's all you ever have to say to me.
- Leo: You know it's gonna make things very hard for a while.
- Bartlet: You fought in a war, got me elected, and you run the country. I think we all owe you one, don't you?
- Bartlet: Would it surprise you to know that for the last few months you have been on a short list of candidates for the bench?
- Mendoza: Yes, it would.
- Bartlet: Well then this is gonna knock your socks off. Tomorrow evening at 5 o’clock, I am naming you as my nominee to be the next Associate Justice of the United States Supreme Court. You were not the first choice, but you are the last one, and the right one. Will you accept the nomination?
- Mendoza: With honor.
- Bartlet: Good.
- [Everyone stands.]
- Bartlet: Thank you. Sam and Toby will be in charge of your confirmation.
- Sam: Congratulations, Judge.
- Mendoza: Thank you. [shakes hands]
- Toby: It's gonna be an excruciating battle, Mr. Justice, one I have no intention of losing.
- Bartlet: What do you say, Leo? You up for a good fight?
- Leo: I believe I have one in me, yes sir.
- Bartlet: Good. Let the good fight begin.
In Excelsis Deo
- C.J.: What's your secret service code name?
- Sam: They just changed them.
- C.J.: I know. What's yours?
- Sam: Princeton.
- C.J.: Mine's Flamingo.
- Sam: It's nice.
- C.J.: No. It's not nice.
- Sam: Flamingo is a nice looking bird.
- C.J.: The flamingo is a ridiculous looking bird.
- Sam: You're not ridiculous looking.
- C.J.: I know I'm not ridiculous looking.
- Sam: Any way for me to get out of this conversation?
- C.J.: I'm gonna go talk to someone.
- Sam: Excellent.
- Charlie: This place looks great doesn't it?
- Mrs. Landingham: Yeah.
- Charlie: I've never seen a Christmas look like this, the trees, and the lights, and everybody singing.
- Mrs. Landingham: Yeah.
- Charlie: The presents...
- Mrs. Landingham: Yeah.
- Charlie: I brought it up because, I don't know, you seem a little down this week.
- Mrs. Landingham: Yeah, I know Charlie. I tend to get a little down during he holidays.
- Charlie: You don't like Christmas?
- Mrs. Landingham: I miss my boys.
- Charlie: I never knew you had kids.
- Mrs. Landingham: Twins. Andrew and Simon. I tried not, you know, I dressed them differently, but they still did everything together. They went off to medical school together, and then they finished their second year at the same time, and of course their lottery number came up at the same time.
- Charlie: For the draft?
- Mrs. Landingham: Yeah.
- Charlie: Well, I would have thought they could get a deferment to finish med school.
- Mrs. Landingham: They didn't want one. Their father and I begged them, but they wanted to go where people needed doctors. Their father and I begged them, but you can't tell kids anything. So they joined up as medics and four months later they were pinned down during a fight in Da Nang and were killed by enemy fire. That was Christmas Eve 1970. [beat] You know, they were so young, Charlie, they were your age. It's hard when that happens so far away, you know because, with the noises and the shooting, they had to be so scared. It's hard not to think that right then they needed their mother... Anyway, I miss my boys.
- Josh: An hour with you in a rare book store. Couldn't you just drop me off the top of the Washington Monument instead?
- Bartlet: It's Christmas, Josh! No reason we can't do both.
- Leo: You went and did it?
- Josh: What?
- Leo: Exactly what I asked you not to do.
- Josh: Leo.
- Leo: You went and saw Sam's friend?
- Sam: How'd you know?
- Leo: I had you tailed.
- Josh: You had us tailed?
- Leo: Yes.
- Sam: Why did you have us tailed?
- Leo: On the off chance that you're as stupid as you look. Whose idea was this?
- Josh: It was mine. Sam was a reluctant accomplice. You had us tailed?
- Leo: Get over it.
- Sam: She didn't give us anything.
- Leo: I should hope not.
- Josh: Leo.
- Leo: It's not what we do, Josh.
- Sam: That may be true, but still...
- Leo: It's not what we do.
- Sam: Yes, sir.
- Leo: You should apologize to that girl for even asking.
- Sam: I did.
- Leo: Then apologize again.
- Sam: Yes, sir.
- Leo: Like I'm not gonna have enough problems without the Keystone Cops.
- Josh: We meant well.
- Leo: Is that supposed to mean something to me?
- Josh: No.
- Leo: [beat] Well, it does.
- Josh: I'm glad.
- Leo: Go back to work.
- Sam: It's Christmas Eve.
- Leo: What, the country isn't open Christmas Eve?
- Sam: Fair point.
- Bartlet: Apparently, I’ve arranged for an honor guard for somebody.
- Toby: Yes, sir. I’m sorry.
- Bartlet: No no. Just tell me, is there anything else I’ve arranged for? We’re still in NATO right?
- Toby: Yes, sir.
- Bartlet: What’s going on?
- Toby: A homeless man died last night; a Korean War veteran, who was wearing a coat that I gave to the Goodwill. It had my card in it.
- Bartlet: Toby, you’re not responsible for …
- Toby: An hour and twenty minutes for the ambulance to get there. A Lance Corporal, United States Marine Corps, Second of the Seventh. The guy got better treatment at Panmunjom.
- Bartlet: Toby, if we start pulling strings like this, you don’t think every homeless veteran would come out of the woodwork?
- Toby: I can only hope, sir.
Lord John Marbury
- Bartlet: There's an India expert I want to bring in.
- Leo: Who?
- [Bartlet looks at him pointedly.]
- Leo: No.
- Bartlet: You guys are gonna love him.
- Leo: He's a lunatic!
- Bartlet: He's colorful.
- Leo: He's certifiable!
- Sam: Who?
- Bartlet: Lord John Marbury, former ambassador to New Delhi from the Court of Saint James.
- Sam: Where do we find him?
- Leo: A psychiatric institution.
- Bartlet: He's colorful, Leo.
- Leo: You're really gonna let him loose in the White House, where there's liquor and women?
- Bartlet: We can hide the women. But the man deserves a drink.
- Toby: I was warned that coming to talk to you might be insulting to your professionalism.
- C.J.: Well, you wouldn't want to do that.
- Toby: I wasn't ready for the press yet.
- C.J.: Could've told me that before sending me in there.
- Toby: C.J.
- C.J.: I flatly denied it. I said I was in the Oval Office ten minutes ago and nothing's going on.
- Toby: They don't think you lied to them.
- C.J.: I know that. They think you lied to me, which is what happened. They don't know me. I'm from nowhere. I was just starting to get credible. I was just starting to get their respect. You know how long it's going to take me to get it back?
- Toby: There's a concern.
- C.J.: Don't ask C.J.; she doesn't know anything.
- Toby: There is a concern that you're too friendly with the press.
- C.J.: Really.
- Toby: We know it's important that you have a friendly relationship with them...
- C.J.: It's important for all of us.
- Toby: I don't disagree.
- C.J.: Does this have to do with Danny Concannon?
- Toby: People see you with Danny.
- C.J.: This is outrageous.
- Toby: This is one time, and if we erred, it's on the side of trying to...
- C.J.: You sent me in there uninformed so that I'd lie to the press.
- Toby: We sent you in there uninformed because we thought there was a chance you couldn't.
- Charlie: Mr. President, I was wondering if I could ask you a question.
- Bartlet: Sure.
- Charlie: I was wondering how you would feel about my going out on a date with Zoey.
- Bartlet: I'm sorry?
- Charlie: Well, Zoey was talking to me before, and she mentioned that if I had a free night...
- Bartlet: My daughter asked you out?
- Charlie: Yes, sir.
- Bartlet: I should've locked her in the dungeon.
- Charlie: I don't think you've got one, sir.
- Bartlet: I could've built one.
- Bartlet: Thank you for coming. How was your flight?
- Marbury: Intoxicating.
- Leo: So I see.
- Marbury: [to Leo] Allow me to present myself...Lord John Marbury, I was summoned by your President.
- Leo: Yes. We've met, 10 or 12 times. I'm Leo McGarry.
- Marbury: I thought you were the butler.
- Leo: No, I'm the White House Chief of Staff.
- Marbury: Nonetheless, would you have something with which to light my cigarette?
- Leo: No, I'm afraid we don't allow smoking in this part of the world.
- Marbury: Really?
- Leo: Yes, sir.
- Marbury: In this part over here, we encourage it.
- Leo: Sir.
- Marbury: It's 'Your Lordship,' as a matter of fact, but it couldn't possibly make the least difference. So, tell me, how can I be of service to you? If it's within my power to give, you shall have it.
- Bartlet: We need your take on the situation, John.
- Marbury: What is your 'take' on the situation?
- Bartlet: The world is coming apart at the seams.
- Marbury: Well, then... [hands his coat to Leo] ...thank God you sent for me!
- Bartlet: Say, listen. My hesitation about your going out with Zoey before, you know, it's not 'cause you're black.
- Charlie: I didn't think it was.
- Bartlet: It's not.
- Charlie: I thought it was 'cause I'm a guy.
- Bartlet: It is.
- Charlie: I understand.
- Bartlet: Still, I want you to go out with her if that's what you both want to do.
- Charlie: I'd like to.
- Bartlet: That's fine.
- Charlie: Thank you, sir.
- Bartlet: Just remember these two things: She's nineteen years old, and the 82nd Airborne works for me.
- Charlie: Yes sir.
He Shall, from Time to Time...
- Bartlet: [practicing the State of the Union speech] I came to this hallowed chamber one year ago on a mission, to restore the American dream for all our people as we gaze at the vast horizon of possibilities open to us... in the 321st century. Wow, that was ambitious of me, wasn't it?
- Sam: Leo.
- Leo: Let's take a break.
- Bartlet: We meant 'stronger' here, right?
- Sam: What does it say?
- Bartlet: I'm proud to report our country's stranger than it was a year ago?
- Sam: That's a typo.
- Bartlet: Could go either way.
- Bartlet: Abbey phoned me up and told me about your conversation. I was diagnosed about seven years ago. My life expectancy is normal. My particular course of MS is relapsing remitting, which means I should experience total recovery after attacks. Abbey gives me injections of something called Betaseron, and that reduces the frequency. Fever and stress tend to be two things that induces attacks.
- Leo: Well, you're the President of the United States, you're delivering the State of the Union tomorrow night, India and Pakistan are pointing nuclear weapons at each other, and you have a 102-degree fever. So I guess we're out of the woods, hmm?
- Bartlet: 101.9.
- Leo: Jed, of all the things you could've kept from me...
- Bartlet: You haven't called me 'Jed' since I was elected.
- Leo: [sits] Why didn't you tell me?
- Bartlet: 'Cause I wanted to be the President.
- Leo: That wouldn't have stopped me from getting you here. And I could've been a friend.
- Bartlet: You've been a friend.
- Leo: But when it was time to really...
- Bartlet: I know.
- Bartlet: What have you got for me, John?
- Lord John Marbury: Well, um, after speaking at length this past week with your secretaries of state and defense, as well as your joint chiefs and various embassy officials, I believe this. Buy them off.
- Bartlet: Buy them?
- Lord John Marbury: Yes, sir.
- Bartlet: How?
- Lord John Marbury: Mr. President, for several centuries, my kingdom has ruled India with a stick and carrot. When we had a particular problem with someone, one solution we would try is to make him a maharaja. That's kind of a regional king. We would pay him off with an annual tribute, and in return, he would be loyal to the crown.
- Leo: Lord Marbury, under our Constitution, our President is not empowered to create maharajas.
- Lord John Marbury: Yes. Thank you for clearing that up, Leo. Having been educated at Cambridge and the Sorbonne, I am, as you know, exceedingly stupid.
- Bartlet: John, please.
- Lord John Marbury: You've been paying the world off since the industrial age. Foreign aid, during the Cold War was you paying dictators to be on your side. To this very day, you pay Korea not to develop nuclear weapons.
- Bartlet: What does India want?
- Lord John Marbury: A computer industry, and for that, they require an infrastructure, and that is what you can give them.
- Leo: Why?
- Lord John Marbury: It's the price you pay.
- Leo: For avoiding a war halfway around the world?
- Lord John Marbury: For being rich, free and alive all at the same time, and for the criminally negligent behavior of your Congress in not checking the proliferation of nuclear devices.
- Bartlet: [while sick in bed] I was watching a television program before, with a kind of roving moderator who spoke to a seated panel of young women who were having some sort of problem with their boyfriends - apparently, because the boyfriends had all slept with the girlfriends' mothers. And they brought the boyfriends out, and they fought, right there on television. Toby, tell me: these people don't vote, do they?
- Toby: I wouldn't think so. No sir.
- Josh: [pokes his head in] Excuse me, Mr. President.
- Bartlet: What do you need, Josh?
- Toby: I asked Josh to join me here, sir
- Bartlet: What's on your mind?
- Toby: "The era of big government is over."
- Bartlet: You want to cut the line?
- Toby: I want to change the sentiment. [pause] We're running away from ourselves and I know we can score points that way, I was a principal architect of that campaign strategy right along with you, Josh. But we're here now, tomorrow night we do an immense thing; we have to say what we feel, that government, no matter what its failures in the past and in times to come for that matter, government can be a place where people come together and where no one gets left behind. No one...gets left behind. An instrument of good. [pause] I have no trouble understanding why the line tested well, Josh, but I don't think that means we should say it. I think that means we should... change it.
- Bartlet: [slowly nods] I think so, too. [beat] What do you think, Josh?
- Josh: I make it a point never to disagree with Toby when he's right, Mr. President.
- [with the Secretary of Agriculture, Roger Tribbey, the Designated survivor staying behind during the State of the Union address]
- Bartlet: OK, Roger. If anything happened, you know what to do, right?
- Roger Tribbey: I honestly hadn't thought about it, sir.
- Bartlet: First thing always is national security. Get your commanders together. Appoint Joint Chiefs, appoint a chairman. Take us to DEFCON 4. Have the governors send emergency delegates to Washington. The assistant Attorney General is going to be the Acting A.G. If he tells you he wants to bring out the National Guard, do what he tells you. [pause] You got a best friend?
- Roger Tribbey: Yes, sir.
- Bartlet: Is he smarter than you?
- Roger Tribbey: [chuckles] Yes, sir.
- Bartlet: Would you trust him with your life?
- Roger Tribbey: Yes, sir.
- Bartlet: That's your chief of staff.
Take Out the Trash Day
- Josh: We've got a bit of a sticky wicket.
- C.J.: Please don't tell me I'm staying here and working late tonight.
- Josh: I need you to read a report.
- C.J.: I'm a woman in her prime, Josh, I'm a prime woman.
- Josh: There's no doubt about it, but I need you to read this anyway.
- C.J.: What is it?
- Josh: We want Congress to sign off on funds for a hundred thousand new teachers. They say, fine, but you gotta stipulate that in Sex Ed classes....
- C.J.: Abstinence only?
- Josh: Yes.
- C.J.: I would have no trouble passing such a class.
- Josh: We commissioned a report about a year ago on Sex Education in public schools, and, well, this is it.
- C.J.: What's it say?
- Josh: It's not good.
- C.J.: How's it not good?
- Josh: It says basically that teaching 'abstinence only' doesn't work—that people are going to be prone to have sex whether they're cautioned against it or not.
- C.J.: Well, what are they recommending?
- Josh: Something called "abstinence plus".
- C.J.: Abstinence plus?
- Josh: Yes.
- C.J.: What's that mean?
- Josh: Well, Sam's renamed it 'everything but'.
- C.J.: Everything but?
- Josh: Yes.
- C.J.: Ah.
- Josh: Yes.
- C.J.: They want teachers to teach...
- Josh: Yes.
- C.J.: And so the sticky wicket joke was..?
- Josh: A regrettable pun. Should I order you some food?
- C.J.: Y'know, I can't remember the last time I got home before midnight.
- Josh: By the way, pages 27 to 33? A couple of things every girl should know.
- C.J.: Get me a salad.
- Hamlin: [on why the government should cut funding to PBS] Product licensing for this merchandise brings in over $20 million a year, none of which goes to PBS, all of which goes to the show's producer, the Children's Television Workshop. Now this is a company whose chief executive earns high six-figures in salary and benefits per year. Yet Sesame Street is subsidized by taxpayer dollars.
- Toby: It's a perfectly reasonable complaint.
- Sondra: And?
- Toby: I don't care.
- Hamlin: Toby...
- Toby: We're gonna see to all those things. In the meantime, at a time when the public is rightly concerned about the impact of sex and violence on TV this administration is gonna protect the Muppets, we're gonna protect Wall Street Week, we're gonna protect Live From Lincoln Center and by God, we are going to protect Julia Child.
- C.J.: If you call Mr. and Mrs. Lydell in St. Paul and ask them why...
- Danny: Don't.
- C.J.: Look...
- Danny: Don't leak me a story.
- C.J.: I wasn't.
- Danny: I've seen this look on the face of four other press secretaries before you. You've got a story in the trash this week that's a story, you want it out there and someone said, "No."
- C.J.: They're all stories this week.
- Danny: That happens sometimes.
- C.J.: Four other press secretaries and you never took a free lead?
- Danny: I always took a free lead.
- C.J.: Then...
- Danny: Not from you.
- C.J.: Why?
- Danny: Cause twenty minutes from now, you're gonna remember you're a professional and you're not gonna like me anymore.
- C.J.: What makes you think I like you now?
- Danny: I don't know. But, as long as you keep grabbing me and kissing me, what the hell do I care?
- C.J.: Good point.
- Danny: If there's a story, I'll find it.
- C.J.: No, you won't.
- Danny: How do you know?
- C.J.: Cause we've gotten very good at this.
- Danny: Yes, you have.
- C.J. Yes, we have.
- Bartlet: Mrs. Landingham.
- Mrs. Landingham: Yes sir?
- Bartlet: You're not going to believe this but I think I'd actually like a banana.
- Mrs. Landingham: I'm afraid not sir, no.
- Bartlet: Why not?
- Mrs. Landingham: You were offered one earlier, sir, and you were snippy.
- Bartlet: I wasn't snippy!
- Mrs. Landingham: I'm afraid you were, Mr. President. [looks toward the oval office] C.J.'s waiting, sir.
- Bartlet: Thank you, Mrs. Landingham. [To C.J. as he enters the Oval Office] She withholds food from me.
- Mr. Lydell: The hate crimes bill is fine. Who gives a damn? It's fine, I don't care. If you ask me, we shouldn't be making laws against what's in a person's head but I don't give a damn, it's fine. I don't understand how this president, who I voted for, I don't understand how he can take such a completely weak ass position on gay rights. Gays in the military, same sex marriage, gay adoption, boards of education. Where the hell is he? I want to know what quality necessary to being a parent the president feels my son lacked. I want to know from this president who has served not one day in uniform - I had two terms in Vietnam - I want to know what quality necessary to being a soldier this president feels my son lacked. Lady I'm not embarrassed that my son is gay, my government is.
Take this Sabbath Day
- Sam: The U.S. is one of five countries on earth that puts to death people who're under the age of 18 when they committed a crime.
- Charlie: Nigeria.
- Sam: Pakistan.
- Charlie: Saudi Arabia and Iran?
- Sam: Yeah. So, that's a list we definitely want to be on.
- Toby: The Torah doesn't prohibit capital punishment.
- Rabbi Glassman: No.
- Toby: It says, 'An eye for an eye'.
- Rabbi Glassman: You know what it also says? It says a rebellious child can be brought to the city gates and stoned to death. It says homosexuality is an abomination and punishable by death. It says men can be polygamous and slavery is acceptable. For all I know, that thinking reflected the best wisdom of its time, but it's just plain wrong by any modern standard. Society has a right to protect itself, but it doesn't have a right to be vengeful. It has a right to punish, but it doesn't have a right to kill.
- Toby: You want me to walk into the Oval Office and say, "Vengeance is not Jewish?"
- Rabbi Glassman: Why not?
- Toby: Well, for one thing, neither is the President!
- Rabbi Glassman: Say what you will about the Catholic Church, but their position on life is unimpeachable: no abortion, no death penalty.
- Toby: I spent yesterday...
- Rabbi Glassman: You spent yesterday hoping the President wouldn't call the Pope.
- Toby: You're damn right I did.
- Rabbi Glassman: If he had done it, after doing so, the fear of every non-Catholic who voted for him would be realized.
- Toby: Congratulations Rabbi Glassman, you may now join the White House communications staff!
- Bartlet: Charlie, I'm going to ask you a question. And this is one of those times that it's OK to tell me I've stepped over the line, and I should shut my mouth, okay?
- Charlie: Okay.
- Bartlet: What happened to the guy who shot your mother?
- Charlie: They haven't found him yet, sir.
- Bartlet: If they did, would you want to see him executed? Killing a police officer is a capital crime. I figured you must have thought about it.
- Charlie: Yes, sir.
- Bartlet: And?
- Charlie: I wouldn't want to see him executed, Mr. President. [pause] I'd want to do it myself.
- Bartlet: [looks thoughtful] Yeah.
- Bartlet: I want you to know that I had a number of people on my staff search for a reason the public would find palatable to commute the sentence. Technicality. Any evidence of racism.
- Father Cavanaugh: So your staff spent the weekend looking for a way out.
- Bartlet: Yeah.
- Father Cavanaugh: Like the kid in right field who doesn't want the ball to get hit to him.
- Bartlet: I'm the leader of a democracy, Tom. 71% of the people support capital punishment. The people have spoken. The courts have spoken.
- Father Cavanaugh: Did you call the Pope?
- Bartlet: Yeah.
- Father Cavanaugh: And how do you do that?
- Bartlet: Oh, for crying out loud, Tom. I open my mouth and say, "Somebody get me the Pope."
- Father Cavanaugh: [raising a finger to emphasize his point] Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. President, but I was thinking... [pause] You're just this kid from my parish, and now you're calling the Pope.
- Bartlet: Anyway...I looked for a way out, I really did.
- Father Cavanaugh: "Vengeance is mine," sayeth the Lord. You know what that means? God is the only one who gets to kill people.
- Bartlet: I know.
- Father Cavanaugh: That was your way out.
- Bartlet: I know.
- Father Cavanaugh: Did you pray?
- Bartlet: I did, Tom. I know it's hard to believe, but I prayed for wisdom.
- Father Cavanaugh: And none came?
- Bartlet: It never has. And I'm a little pissed off about that. [glances at his watch as it hits midnight] I'm not kidding.
- Father Cavanaugh: You know, you remind me of the man that lived by the river. He heard a radio report that the river was going to rush up and flood the town. And that all the residents should evacuate their homes. But the man said, "I’m religious. I pray. God loves me. God will save me."
- The waters rose up. A guy in a row boat came along and he shouted, "Hey, hey you! You in there. The town is flooding. Let me take you to safety." But the man shouted back, "I’m religious. I pray. God loves me. God will save me."
- A helicopter was hovering overhead. And a guy with a megaphone shouted, "Hey you, you down there. The town is flooding. Let me drop this ladder and I’ll take you to safety." But the man shouted back that he was religious, that he prayed, that God loved him and that God will take him to safety.
- Well... the man drowned. And standing at the gates of St. Peter, he demanded an audience with God. "Lord," he said, "I’m a religious man, I pray. I thought you loved me. Why did this happen?" God said, "I sent you a radio report, a helicopter, and a guy in a rowboat. What the hell are you doing here?" [pause] He sent you a priest, a rabbi, and a Quaker, Mr. President. Not to mention his son, Jesus Christ. What do you want from him?
- [C.J. knocks on the door and enters]
- C.J.: Excuse me. [she hands the President a note, then leaves; Bartlet stands, and leans on his desk in silence for a moment]
- Father Cavanaugh: Jed...would you like me to hear your confession?
- Bartlet: Yes, please. [takes up his rosary and kneels next to Cavanaugh, crossing himself] Bless me, Father, for I have sinned...
Celestial Navigation
- C.J.: [knocks on Josh's door] Josh...
- Josh: [looks up] What the hell happened?
- C.J.: I had woot canal.
- Josh: What happened to your cheeks?
- C.J.: I had woot canal!
- Josh: Why are you talking like that?
- C.J.: I had woot canal!
- Josh: Yeah, I heard you the first time, I was just amusing myself.
- C.J.: I can suggesht some ovva fings you can do wif yourshelf!
- Josh: Are you in pain?
- C.J.: I HAD WOOT CANAL!
- Josh: You're gonna need to stop saying that, 'cause you just look and sound so ridiculous.
- Josh: First, I'm happy to tell you that the incident involving Secretary O'Leary and Congressman Wooden has been dispensed with... though not really, and I'll get to that at the end. Sam asked C.J. to move the briefing to two o'clock so that we could fold in the teachers. C.J. had emergency root canal surgery at noon and so was unable to brief.
- Bartlet: Who did?
- Josh: I did.
- Bartlet: Oh, God.
- Josh: You're going to be reading a bit today about your secret plan to fight inflation.
- Bartlet: I have a secret plan to fight inflation?
- Josh: No.
- Bartlet: Why am I going to be reading that I do?
- Josh: It was suggested in the press room that you do.
- Bartlet: By who?
- Josh: By me.
- Bartlet: You told the press I have a secret plan to fight inflation?
- Josh: No, I did not. Let me be absolutely clear, I did not do that. Except, yes, I did that.
- Bartlet: Josh, I'm a little confused.
- Josh: Sir, there was this idiotic round robin. It was sarcastic. There was no way they didn't know that. They were just mad at me for imposing discipline and calling them stupid.
- Bartlet: Okay, before we go on: C.J., if blood is gushing from a head wound you just received from a herd of stampeding bison, you'll do the press briefings.
- C.J.: Yes sir.
- Josh: I denied it for half an hour, they wouldn't take no for an answer!
- Bartlet: You were clear?
- Josh: I was crystal clear! They said, "Do you think that if the President has a plan to fight inflation, it's right that he keep it a secret?" I said, of course not!
- Bartlet: Are you telling me that not only did you invent a secret plan to fight inflation, but now you don't support it?
- Leo: [about Judge Mendoza] He’s driving from Nova Scotia to Washington?
- Sam: Yeah.
- Leo: How’s a person do that?
- Sam: Oh, my guess is, he’ll take the Trans-Canada Highway to New Brunswick, then maybe catch the 1 and take the scenic route along the coast of Maine. 95 through New Hampshire to the Mass Pike, and then cut over to the Merritt Parkway 'round Milford.
- Toby: Something really kinda freakish about you, you know that?
- Mendoza: You pull all the strings you want, Toby, but not for me. Come Monday, I'm gonna avail myself of the criminal justice system for which I have worked my entire adult life.
- Toby: Judge, due respect. Get your things and let's go.
- Mendoza: [angrily] My kid was in the car, Toby. They patted me down and they handcuffed me in front of my nine-year-old boy. Then he and his mother got to see them put me in the squad car and drive away.
- Toby: He's also seen you wearing a robe with a gavel in your hand.
- Mendoza: He doesn't understand that. He doesn't know what that is. He understands what the police are because he watches television. That's what he's gonna remember, his father being handcuffed. So America just got another pissed-off guy with dark skin.
20 Hours in L.A.
- Charlie: [on Air Force 1] How you doing?
- Zoey: Hi.
- Charlie: Listen, uh, I don't know if I'm going to be able to be as attentive on this trip as you would like.
- Zoey: That's okay. You're working.
- Charlie: Well, I've been trying to listen to some of the many lessons you've been giving me on how to be a better boyfriend and I know that attentiveness--
- Zoey: No, this is one of the times when it's okay.
- Charlie: Okay. It's hard to tell the difference between those times and the other times.
- Zoey: I know. Doesn't that suck for you?
- Charlie: A little bit, yeah.
- Bartlet: Okay. Zoey's 19 and she wants to be a teenager. She wants a college experience, and I can't blame her. I loved college. So did my other daughters. I want Zoey to be comfortable with her protection, I don't want her to try and give you the slip. It's not your job to tell me she wants to cut English Lit, it's not your job to tell me if she's dying her hair blue, or going to a strip club, or whatever it is she's doing with her friends. You know what your job is.
- Gina: Yes, sir.
- Bartlet: Thank you.
- Gina: [gets up and shakes his hand] Thank you, Mr. President.
- Bartlet: Gina?
- Gina: Yes, sir?
- Bartlet: If she's cutting English Lit, I want to know about it.
- Gina: No deal, Mr. President.
- Bartlet: Okay. [smiles]
- Bartlet: We'll see you there.
- Toby: What, I'm not coming in the car?
- Bartlet: No, and you know why? Because you made fun of the guacamole.
- Toby: I didn't!
- Bartlet: I could tell you were thinking it.
- Toby: ...Fair enough.
- Al Kiefer: Mr. President, do you want to sew up reelection right now? Do you want a lock on your second term right here, right now in this room?
- Bartlet: What do you got?
- Josh: Why do you encourage him?
- Bartlet: What do you got, Al?
- Al Kiefer: A truckload of voters, Mr. President, about 47%, overwhelmingly white men, pool and patio types, who voted against you by 20 plus points. They share an affinity towards authority, a President. And they see you as smart and having vision, so why didn't they vote for you? Because they also see you as a wimp. Two-thirds of them on a thermometer place you as some degree of weak.
- Josh: We've heard these numbers before.
- Bartlet: Yeah, but I never get tired of hearing them, you know. Especially in front of my daughter.
- Al Kiefer: Look, I get that this is not the most popular idea in the room. But I got numbers, and I know numbers, and I trust numbers. And the reason you're all looking a little pale right now is so do you. This is not theoretical. The flag burning amendment made it through the House with 20 votes over the required two-thirds. It hasn't made it through the Senate yet, but that day will come, that day will come, that day will come soon. Laws against flag burning are favored overwhelmingly in the polls, and a constitutional amendment won't be subject to a Presidential veto, or overturning by the Supreme Court.
- Toby: Look...
- Al Kiefer: This all adds up to one thing, Mr. President. It's over! The game's been played and won. But because of guys like me, you get the results before anyone else does, so you get to pick which side you're on. And not only do we get to be on the winning team, we get to lead the winning team.
- [Josh's phone rings. He walks away from the table.]
- Josh: Excuse me.
- Al Kiefer: Toby, you're smiling.
- Toby: I just figured out who you were.
- Al Kiefer: He's going to say Satan.
- Toby: No. You're the guy that runs into 7-Eleven to get Satan a pack of cigarettes.
- Leo: John, I know we've had our ups and downs, but let me be your guy here for a second. You can't be thinking about being the first vice president in history to break a tie going the other way.
- Hoynes: I'm not looking to make history.
- Leo: Then what are you looking for, John? You're going to get ink either way.
- Hoynes: Leo.
- Leo: I know that it eats at you that there is friction between you and my staff. You think they don't respect you. And they do. They just don't trust you. And frankly, neither does the President.
- Hoynes: Well...
- Leo: I mean I know that's tough. But God, John, I'm the one that convinced him to put you on the ticket. And I'm going to be the one standing here when you make history, whether you're going to or not.
- Hoynes: Leo, one of these days you're going to have to allow for the possibility that my motives might not always be sinister. You and your staff are remarkably smug, and frankly so is the President. And the fact that you think I give a damn that there is some friction between me and your staff is certainly proof enough of that.
- Leo: John, you will not be able to set foot in the West Wing. You will not be on the ticket in three years.
- Hoynes: Leo, I think you guys set me up.
- Leo: You think the President of the United States can arrange for a 50-50 tie in the Senate?
- Hoynes: I think the President of the United States can do pretty much whatever he wants.
- Leo: You're wrong.
The White House Pro-Am
- Josh: We're gonna do 'good cop, bad cop.'
- Toby: No, we're really not.
- Josh: Why not?
- Toby: 'Cause this isn't an episode of Hawaii Five-O. How about you be the good cop and I be the cop that doesn't go to the meeting?
- Toby: You're concerned about American labor and manufacturing?
- Congressman: Yeah.
- Toby: What kind of car do you drive?
- Congressman: Toyota.
- Toby: Then shut up.
- ...
- Josh: [in the hall] This, right here, this is the reason why you have a reputation as a pain in the ass.
- Toby: I've cultivated that reputation.
- ...
- Josh: What would you have done if he had said he drove an American car?
- Toby: Found some other way of humiliating him.
- Josh: You like winning, don't you?
- Toby: Saves you from having to say the word please.
- Danny: [sitting outside the Oval Office] How you doing. Mrs. Landingham?
- Mrs. Landingham: [smiles] Fine. Thank you, Danny.
- Danny: [smiles] You keep glancing over like you're afraid I'm gonna steal something.
- Mrs. Landingham: No, I'm not used to having members of the print media in here.
- Danny: I'll try not to get ink on the furniture.
- Mrs. Landingham: Aw, Danny, and I was just about to offer you a cookie.
- Danny: And now?
- Mrs. Landingham: No.
- Danny: I saw you guys are going to the opening on Friday.
- Charlie: No.
- Danny: No?
- Charlie: Security.
- Danny: Is Zoey bothered?
- Charlie: You know, Danny, I don't mind talking, but I say it here and 10 million people read about tomorrow.
- Danny: Thanks for the boost in my circulation but I'm actually off the record up here.
- Charlie: [looks down] It's not going to work.
- Danny: What's not going to work?
- Charlie: You know what I'm talking about.
- Danny: You and Zoey?
- Charlie: Yeah.
- Danny: Why?
- Charlie: [angry] Look, I do what I do...I go where I go. If it's a problem for the Secret Service that I'm black...
- Danny: Whoa....
- Charlie: ...then that's the way it is. But she shouldn't expect candy and flowers, you know what I mean?
- Danny: I know what you're saying. But I don't think the problem is you're black. I think the problem is you're stupid.
- Charlie: Well, thanks, Danny. You picked me right up.
- Danny: You bet. Listen, the Hardy Boys in the letters they're talking about, they may be heavily armed but I wouldn't put a lot of money on their marksmanship. One of these days they're gonna miss her and hit me. Two thousand marriage proposals, 2,000 death threats, a dozen bodyguards. Everyone wants to get close. Everyone wants a thing. Plus, and I say this standing fifteen feet from the Oval Office, life with father couldn't have been a real company picnic, you know. If it was me, just for now, I'd make sure I was the one guy in her life who was hassle free. That's just me.
Six Meetings Before Lunch
- Jeff Breckenridge: You got a dollar?
- Josh: Yeah.
- Jeff Breckenridge: Take it out. Look at the back. The seal, the pyramid, it's unfinished, with the eye of God looking over it, and the words annuit coeptis - he, God, favors our undertaking. The seal is meant to be unfinished, because this country's meant to be unfinished. We're meant to keep doing better. We're meant to keep discussing and debating. And we're meant to read books by great historical scholars and then talk about them...
- Sam: Mallory, everything that you're saying makes sense. I just think that the state of urban schools is such that if you can save even one kid...
- Mallory: [stands] You can save more than one kid...
- Sam: Tell me how.
- Mallory: By asking Congress to approve, not just a little, but a lot more money for public education.
- [Sam laughs]
- Mallory: What?
- Sam: [stands] Public education has been a public policy disaster for 40 years. Having spent around four trillion dollars on public schools since 1965, the result has been a steady and inexorable decline in every measurable standard of student performance, to say nothing of health and safety. But don't worry about it, because the U.S. House of Representatives is on the case. I feel better already.
- Mallory:[beat] Wow.
- Sam: What?
- Mallory: For a guy who's trying to date me, that was pretty snotty.
- Sam: Well, hang on. These are office hours. If I'd known I was working on that I would have had a whole different attitude.
- Mallory: He's in favor of school vouchers, Dad.
- Leo: No, Mallory. He's really not.
- Mallory: Yes, he is.
- Leo: No, he's not.
- Mallory: I read the position paper.
- Leo: It's opposition prep.
- Mallory: Opposition prep?
- Leo: When we're gearing up for a debate, we have the smart guys take the other side.
- Mallory: [to Sam] You stood there and argued with me.
- Sam: Yes.
- Mallory: Why?
- Sam: You made an appointment.
- Mallory: Sam...
- Leo: Would the two of you take it outside?
- Sam: I thought you were trying to drive a wedge between us.
- Leo: Yeah, but now you're just boring the crap out of me.
- Mallory: Hey...
- Sam: Mallory, education is the silver bullet. Education is everything. We don't need little changes. We need gigantic revolutionary changes. Schools should be palaces. Competition for the best teachers should be fierce. They should be getting six-figure salaries. Schools should be incredibly expensive for government and absolutely free of charge for its citizens, just like national defense. That is my position. I just haven't figured out how to do it yet.
- Toby: I feel like I've lost 180 pounds. I am smiling, I am laughing, I am enjoying the people I work with - I gotta snap outta this. What's on your mind?
- Mandy: I want you to help me get the Chinese to give us a new panda bear to replace LumLum.
- [Very long pause]
- Toby: Well that did the trick.
- [The office staff watches the Senate start to vote on Mendoza's confirmation to the Supreme Court and begin celebrating. Bonnie starts handing around a bottle of champagne]
- Toby: Put it down! Put it down!
- Bonnie: Toby!
- Toby: No champagne.
- Bonnie: We're just getting--
- Toby: Put it down. Everyone in this room, let me have your attention! Please. The law of our land mandates that Presidential appointees be confirmed by a majority of the Senate, a majority being a total of half plus one for a total of what, Ginger?
- Ginger: Fifty-one.
- Toby: Fifty-one 'yea' votes is what we see on these screens before a drop of wine is swallowed! Because there's a little thing called what, Bonnie?
- Bonnie: "Tempting fate"?
- Toby: "Tempting fate" is what it's called. In the three months that this man has been on my radar screen, I have aged forty-eight years. This is my day of jubilee, I will not have it screwed up by what, Bonnie?
- Bonnie: By tempting fate.
- Toby: By tempting fate! These things take patience. These things take skill. These things take luck. In the fifteen months we've been in office, what kind of luck have we had? Ginger?
- Ginger: Bad luck.
- Toby: [clears his throat and raises his eyebrows] What kind of luck?
- Ginger: Very bad luck.
- Toby: We've had very bad luck.
Let Bartlet Be Bartlet
- C.J.: The theme of the Egg Hunt is "learning is delightful and delicious" - as, by the way, am I.
- Bartlet: Can we get this god-forsaken event over with so I can get back to presiding over a civilization gone to hell in a hand cart?
- Mrs. Landingham: Nice talk for a president.
- Bartlet: Leave me alone.
- Mrs. Landingham: You know what this is, don't you, sir?
- Bartlet: What what is?
- Mrs. Landingham: Your mood, sir.
- Bartlet: Nothing wrong with my mood.
- Mrs. Landingham: It's your diet.
- Bartlet: Will you get off me with that?
- Mrs. Landingham: You're not getting enough roughage in your diet. You know I'm right about that.
- Bartlet: I know I'd like to beat you senseless with a head of cabbage, I know that for damn sure.
- Mrs. Landingham: Once again you display an immaturity about vegetables that I think is not at all presidential.
- Major Tate: Sir, we're not prejudiced toward homosexuals.
- Admiral Fitzwallace: You just don't want to see them serving in the Armed Forces?
- Major Tate: No, sir, I don't.
- Admiral Fitzwallace: 'Cause they impose a threat to unit discipline and cohesion.
- Major Tate: Yes, sir.
- Admiral Fitzwallace: That's what I think, too. I also think the military wasn't designed to be an instrument of social change.
- Major Tate: Yes, sir.
- Admiral Fitzwallace: The problem with that is, that's what they were saying about me fifty years ago. "Blacks shouldn't serve with whites. It would disrupt the unit." You know what? It did disrupt the unit. The unit got over it. The unit changed. I'm an admiral in the U.S. Navy and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff... Beat that with a stick.
- Bartlet: Leo, if I ever told you to get aggressive about campaign finance or gays in the military, you would tell me, 'Don't run too fast or go too far.'
- Leo: If you ever told me to get aggressive about anything, I'd say I serve at the pleasure of the President. [pause] But we'll never know, sir, because I don't think you're ever gonna say it.
- Bartlet: I have said it, and nothing's ever happened!
- Leo: You want to see me orchestrate this right now? You want to see me mobilize these people? These people who would walk into fire if you told them to. These people who showed up to lead. These people who showed up to fight. [points at Charlie] That guy gets death threats because he’s black and he dates your daughter! He was warned: “Do not show up to this place. Your life will be in danger.” He said, “To hell with that, I’m going anyway.” You said, “No.” Prudent or not prudent, this 21-year-old at 600 dollars a week says, “I’m going where I want to, because a man stands up!” [pause] Everyone's waiting for you. I don't know how much longer.
- Bartlet: I don't want to feel like this anymore.
- Leo: You don't have to.
- Bartlet: I don't want to go to sleep like this.
- Leo: You don't have to.
- Bartlet: I want to speak.
- Leo: Say it out loud. Say it to me.
- Bartlet: This is more important than reelection. I want to speak now.
- Leo: Say it again.
- Bartlet: This is more important than reelection. I want to speak now.
- Leo: Now we're in business!
- Leo: Listen up. Our ground game isn't working; we're gonna put the ball in the air. If we're gonna walk into walls, I want us running into them full speed.
- Josh: What are you saying?
- Leo: Well, you can start by telling the Hill the President's named his nominees to the FEC. And we're gonna lose some of these battles. And we might even lose the White House. But we're not going to be threatened by issues: we're going to put 'em front and center. We're gonna raise the level of public debate in this country, and let that be our legacy. That sound alright to you Josh?
- Josh: I serve at the pleasure of the President of the United States.
- Leo: Yeah?
- C.J.: I serve at the pleasure of the President.
- Sam: I serve at the pleasure of President Bartlet.
- Leo: Toby?
- Toby: I serve at the pleasure of the President.
Mandatory Minimums
- Bonnie: [after Josh told the Senate Majority Leader to "shove his legislative agenda up [his] ass"] Rambo!
- Josh: You talking to me?
- Bonnie: Nice phone call.
- Josh: That's how we do things in New England, my friends.
- Bonnie: In Indiana, we're not allowed to talk like that.
- Ginger: In New Jersey, we encourage it.
- Sam: mandatory minimums are racist.
- Toby: I understand that.
- Sam: They're a red herring.
- Toby: I understand that, too.
- Sam: It's a way of looking like you're tough on crime, without assuming the burden of being tough on crime.
- Toby: Everything you've said I understand.
- Sam: I'm saying...
- Toby: We do things one thing at a time.
- Sam: But I'm saying we don't have time to do things one thing at a time.
- Toby: We're talking about treatment.
- Sam: I'm talking about treatment and I'm talking about mandatory minimums and I'm saying it's a red herring and I'm saying it's racist.
- Toby: When you talk to the President, I want you talking about treatment. I want you talking about treatment vs. enforcement and I don't want you to stray from that!
- Sam: Toby, is this what you meant when you said, "Sam, you're completely in charge of this"?
- Toby: Yes, I meant, you're completely in charge of this, in the sense that you're subordinate to me in every way.
- Toby: [to Andy] I have to get back to work. And you, being a Congresswoman... I'm sure you need to be back out there... you know, screwing the people.
- Josh: Take it easy.
- Sam: I won’t take it easy! Give me the phone. I'm gonna call the Senator and I'm gonna tell him that he can shove his legislative agenda up his ass!
- Josh: I've already done that.
- Sam: I'll do it again.
- Josh: You know what this is like? This is like The Godfather. When Pacino tells James Caan that he's gonna kill the cop. It's a lot like that scene, only not really.
- ...
- Josh: It is like that scene. I'm James Caan. [to Sam] You're...you're Al Pacino.
- Toby: Let's go.
- Josh: Toby, you're the guy who shows Pacino how to make tomato sauce.
- Toby: Mr. President.
- Bartlet: We were almost done.
- Toby: I... met with Congresswoman Wyatt today.
- Bartlet: When you were married to her, did you call her Congresswoman Wyatt?
- Toby: No, sir.
- Bartlet: Sometimes I call my wife Dr. Bartlet.
- Toby: I call her Andy or uh... Andrea.
- Bartlet: Okay.
- Toby: Mandatory minimums.
- Bartlet: You're whupped, my friend.
- Toby: Sir.
- Bartlet: No, she's been talking to you for a year about mandatory minimums. You've been saying no. Looks like we know who wears the pants in the Ziegler family.
- Toby: You call your wife “Dr. Bartlet”?
- Bartlet: Just for the turn-on.
Lies, Damn Lies and Statistics
- Bartlet: We agree on nothing, Max.
- Senator Lobell: Yes, sir.
- Bartlet: Education, guns, drugs, school prayer, gays, defense spending, taxes - you name it, we disagree.
- Senator Lobell: You know why?
- Bartlet: Because I'm a lily-livered, bleeding-heart, liberal, egghead communist.
- Senator Lobell: Yes, sir. And I'm a gun-toting, redneck son-of-a-bitch.
- Bartlet: Yes, you are.
- Senator Lobell: We agree about that.
- Toby: Since when are you an expert on language?
- C.J.: In polling models?
- Toby: Okay.
- C.J.: 1993. Since when are you an uptight pain in the ass?
- Toby: Since long before that.
- Bartlet: What do we do with him?
- Sam: Make him the Ambassador to Paraguay.
- Bartlet: What do we do with the Ambassador to Paraguay?
- Sam: Make him Ambassador to Bulgaria.
- Bartlet: I like this. Because, if everybody keeps moving up one, I can go home.
- Bartlet: Toby, are you in here sticking up for Sam?
- Toby: I know it's strange, sir. But I'm feeling a... a certain... big brotherly connection right now. You know, obviously, I'd like that feeling to go away as soon as possible, but for the moment I think there's no danger in the White House standing by Sam and aggressively going after the people who set him up.
- Ambassador Cochran: I'm sorry to do this, but I'd like to speak to your supervisor.
- Charlie: Well, I'm Personal Aide to the President, so my supervisor's a little busy right now trying to find a back door to this place to shove you out of, but I'll let him know you'd like to lodge a complaint.
What Kind of Day Has It Been
- Bartlet: Here’s another one. Two politicians are having an argument. One of them stands up and says, "You’re lying!" The other one answers, "Yes, I am, but hear me out." [audience laughs]
- Moderator: Mr. President, do you have time for one more question?
- Bartlet: I don’t think I answered the last one. Suzanne’s got me telling jokes. Here’s an answer to your question that I don’t think you’re going to like: the current crop of 18–25-year-olds is the most politically apathetic generation in American history. In 1972, half of that age group voted. In the last election, 32%. Your generation is considerably less likely than any previous one to write or call public officials, attend rallies, or work on political campaigns. A man once said this, "decisions are made by those who show up." So are we failing you, or are you failing us? It's a little of both.
- Josh: [while jogging] There was a reckless deregulation of the S&L industry by a Democratic Congress, it was flooded with S&L donations. A disaster which nearly collapsed the banking industry and cost the taxpayers 500 billion dollars.
- Hoynes: What's your point?
- Josh: We're no better with the money than they are.
- Hoynes: Tell me about it.
- Josh: Three-quarters of all soft money coming to the Democratic party isn't coming from labor unions, it's coming from corporations.
- Hoynes: Yes, I know.
- Josh: Over a hundred businesses gave both parties in excess of $125,000 in the last election.
- Hoynes: I know.
- Josh: They gave it to both parties! This isn't free speech or political values, Mr. Vice President. I don't know how we've done it, but we've legalized bribery.
- Hoynes: Yup.
- Josh: So, now what we've got is two corporate parties - one pro-life, one pro-choice.
- Hoynes: Josh, like I said, what's your point? I mean, what's your point?
- Josh: We've noticed the sudden increase in racquetball and late-night poker games with democratic opponents of campaign finance reform.
- Hoynes: Come on, Josh, this is Washington, DC. You can't swing a dead cat without hitting a Democratic opponent of campaign finance reform.
- Josh: Can we stop running for a second? [They stop running] You're backing the wrong horse. You read the same polls I do. President's gone up nine points in three weeks. 51% job approval - big deal. But he's going on national television tonight, that's going to be another 5 that's 56%, a 14-point bump in a month.
- Hoynes: Look, Josh...
- Josh: Hang on. If we bring this pilot back home alive, that's another 10 points. And then we're off to the races with a job approval rating in the high 60s. Now every Democratic congressman in a tight race is looking to get his picture taken with the president, and you're looking around the racquetball court, saying, "Where did everybody go?" You've had some experience battling Jed Bartlet when he's right, and you've had some experience battling him when he's popular. Why in the world would you want to try it when he's both at the same time?
- Hoynes: You know something, Josh, sometimes I wonder if I'd listened to you two years ago, would I be President right now? Do you ever wonder that?
- Josh: No sir, I know it for sure.
- C.J.: Danny, I don't even want to hear it. I did exactly the right thing. Your nose is bent out of joint, and I don't give a damn.
- Danny: You looked at me point-blank and told me you were looking at a diplomatic...
- C.J.: Danny...
- Danny: You looked at me and told me...
- C.J.: What did you think I was going to do, Danny? Give you longitude and latitude? Did you think I was going to fork over the radio frequency that we're transmitting on?
- Danny: You didn't have to answer the question.
- C.J.: I did!
- Danny: You could have said, "Danny, we're not ruling anything in or out, and I'm not going to let you take me down that path" and we would have been done with it.
- C.J.: Danny, if by standing up and lying, I misdirected Iraqi intelligence for even half a beat, then it was absolutely worth it. That's a no-brainer. And if I didn't, it was certainly worth trying. There were only 50 people in the world who can't understand why I lied this morning, and they all work in the White House pressroom. I'm sleeping fine tonight.
- Danny: You didn't have to call on me. Every hand shot up, everybody's hand shot up, everybody was going to ask the same question, you knew what your answer was going to be, and you called on me.
- C.J.: Well, yes, I did.
- Danny: And you wouldn't have rather done that to a journalist that's been less supportive of this administration than I have?
- C.J.: No, I chose you.
- Danny: C.J., I'm not staying in the penalty box forever. I have covered the White House for eight years and I've done it with the New York Times, the Washington Post, Time Magazine, and the Dallas Morning News! And I'm telling you you can't mess me around like this!
- C.J.: Danny, I just gotta tell you, that was - seriously - that was a turn-on when you said that, though I don't know why you decided to be your most haughty on the Dallas Morning News in that sentence.
- Bartlet: You're not going to spoil my good time for me.
- Mrs. Landingham: Oh, sir, I think we both know from experience that's not true.
- Bartlet: Yeah.
- Mrs. Landingham: You need to be in the car ten minutes ago, Mr. President.
- Bartlet: Do you see me walking out the door?
- Mrs. Landingham: No, I see you standing and arguing with a senior citizen.
- Bartlet: They’re telling me that we’re out of time. I just want to mention that at several points during the evening, I was referred to as both a liberal and a populist, and a fellow fourth from the back called me a socialist, which is nice, I haven’t heard that for a while. Actually, I’m an economics professor. My great-grandfather’s great-grandfather was Dr. Josiah Bartlett, who was the New Hampshire delegate representative to the Second Continental Congress, the one that sat in session in Philadelphia in the summer of 1776 and announced to the world that we were no longer subjects of King George III, but rather a self-governing people. "We hold these truths to be self-evident," they said, "that all men are created equal." Strange as it may seem, that was the first time in history that anyone had ever bothered to write that down. Decisions are made by those who show up. Class dismissed. Thank you, everyone. God bless you. And God bless America.
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In the Shadow of Two Gunmen, Part I
- [the President's motorcade races away from an assassination attempt]
- Bartlet: Is anybody dead back there?
- Special Agent Ron Butterfield: We don't know. We don't think so.
- Bartlet: [seeing a bloodstained cloth wrapped around Agent Butterfield's right hand] What happened to your hand?
- Butterfield: I got hit.
- Bartlet: Oh, God. [to the driver] Coop, turn around! We've gotta go to a hospital!
- Butterfield: No. We're going to the White House.
- Bartlet: We're going to a hospital! Let's go!
- Butterfield: I have to put you inside the White House, Mr. President! This isn't something we discuss.
- Bartlet: This isn't-! [angrily] My daughter is throwing up on the floor of car behind us! You're losing blood by the liter, not to mention God knows how many broken bones you've got in your hand! [blood begins to leak from the corner of his mouth] But let's make sure that I'm tucked in bed before we-
- Butterfield: Mr. President! [quickly checks the President's head and upper body for signs of injury, finding blood when he reaches the President's stomach; turning to the driver] GW! Blue, blue, blue!
- Zoey: [at the hospital] Dad?
- Bartlet: I'm okay.
- Zoey: Daddy?!
- Bartlet: It didn't hit anything, they're just gonna look around and make sure.
- Zoey: Are you in a lot of pain?
- Bartlet: No...
- Zoey: Are you lying?
- Bartlet: Yeah, cause I want these guys to tell reporters that I was brave and joking around.
- Zoey: You are brave. You were so good tonight, Dad.
- Bartlet: Honey, I'm fine. I'm just so happy to see you.
- Zoey: Mom's on her way.
- Bartlet: Mom's gonna be pretty pissed.
- Zoey: Yeah.
- [Leo enters]
- Leo: How you doing, kid?
- Zoey: I'm fine.
- Bartlet: She booted all over the back of her car. You know they're gonna bill me for that.
- [flashback]
- Woman: You've been a... um, uh, what did you call it?
- Toby: Professional political operative.
- Woman: You've been one your whole life.
- Toby: Well, there was a while back there when I was in elementary school.
- Woman: [laughs] You any good?
- Toby: [long pause] I'm very good at it.
- Woman: What's your record?
- Toby: My record?
- Woman: How many elections have you won?
- Toby: Altogether?
- [The woman nods]
- Toby: Including city council, two Congressional races, a senate race, a Gubernatorial campaign, and a national campaign? [long pause] None.
- Woman: None of 'em?
- Toby: You've gotta be impressed with my consistency.
- [flashback]
- Man: Governor Bartlet, when you were a member of Congress, you voted against the New England Dairy Farming Compact. That vote hurt me sir. I'm a businessman. That vote hurt me to the tune of maybe, 10 cents a gallon. I voted for you three times for Congress. I voted for you twice for Governor. And I'm here sir, and I'd like to ask you for an explanation.
- Bartlet: [pause] Yeah, I screwed you on that one.
- Man: I'm sorry?
- Bartlet: I screwed you. You got hosed.
- Man: Sir, I...
- Bartlet: And not just you. A lot of my constituents. I put the hammer to farms in Concord, Salem, Laconia, Pelham, Hampton, Hudson. You guys got rogered but good. Today for the first time in history, the largest group of Americans living in poverty are children. 1 in 5 children live in the most abject, dangerous, hopeless, back-breaking, gut-wrenching poverty any of us could imagine. 1 in 5, and they're children. If fidelity to freedom of democracy is the code of our civic religion then surely the code of our humanity is faithful service to that unwritten commandment that says we shall give our children better than we ourselves received. Let me put it this way: I voted against the bill because I didn't want to make it harder for people to buy milk. I stopped some money from flowing into your pocket. If that angers you, if you resent me, I completely respect that. But if you expect anything different from the President of the United States, you should vote for someone else. Thanks very much. Hope you enjoyed the chicken.
- [flashback]
- Bartlet: Why are you doing this? You're a player. You're bigger in the party than I am. Hoynes would probably make you National Chairman. Leo, tell me this isn't one of the twelve steps.
- Leo: That's what it is. Right after admitting that we are powerless over alcohol and a higher power can restore us to sanity. That's where you come in.
- Bartlet: Leo...
- Leo: Because I'm tired of it! Year, after year, after year of having to choose between the lesser of who cares? Of trying to get myself excited over a candidate who can speak in complete sentences. Of setting the bar so low, I can hardly look at it. They say a good man can't get elected president. I don't believe that, do you?
- Bartlet: And you think I'm that man?
- Leo: Yes.
- Bartlet: Doesn't it matter that I'm not as sure?
- Leo: Nah. 'Act as if ye have faith and faith shall be given to you.' Put another way: 'Fake it til you make it.'
In the Shadow of Two Gunmen, Part II
- C.J.: We're confirming now that a suspect is in custody, and is being questioned by federal law enforcement. At this time, we cannot... we are not releasing any information whatsoever about the suspect.
- Steve: Can you tell us anything, his name, where he's from, his ethnicity, if you guys suspect a motive?
- C.J.: Yes, Steve, I can tell you those things, because when I said that we weren't releasing any information whatsoever, I meant except his name, his address, his ethnicity, and what we think his motives are.
- [flashback]
- C.J.: Bartlet's impressed with me?
- Toby: Very impressed. And one of the big keys to his game plan is bringing you on as Press Secretary.
- [pause]
- C.J.: He's never heard of me, has he?
- Toby: No.
- C.J.: Toby...
- Toby: I'm here on instructions from Leo McGarry.
- C.J.: McGarry wants me?
- Toby: Yes. Come join the campaign.
- C.J.: How much does it pay?
- Toby: How much were you making before?
- C.J.: $550,000 a year.
- Toby: This pays $600 a week.
- C.J.: So this is less.
- Toby: Yes.
- C.J.: Toby. Does he know I've only ever worked statewide? Does he know I've never worked on a national campaign before?
- Toby: Yes. It's Graduation Day.
- Margaret: Can I - can I just say something, you know, for the future?
- Leo: Yeah.
- Margaret: I can sign the President's name. I have his signature down pretty good.
- Leo: You can sign the President's name?
- Margaret: Yeah.
- Leo: On a document removing him from power and handing it to someone else?
- Margaret: Yeah. Or... do you think the White House Counsel would say that was a bad idea?
- Leo: I think the White House Counsel would say that was a coup d'état!
- Margaret: Well...I'd probably end up doing some time for that.
- Leo: I would think! And what the hell were you doing practicing the President's signature?
- Margaret: It was just for fun.
- Leo: We've got separation of powers, checks and balances, and Margaret vetoing things and sending them back to the Hill!
- Toby: C.J.'s starting to get some questions about why the President's exit wasn't covered in Rosslyn.
- Special Agent Ron Butterfield: The Secret Service doesn't comment on procedure.
- Toby: Yeah. Ron, a few weeks after the President was sworn in, you got a memo about his protection.
- Butterfield: Yeah.
- Toby: It said he wanted to enter and exit in the open air, and he didn't like the feeling of traveling around in an armored tank.
- Butterfield: Yeah.
- Toby: Specifically, it said he wouldn't use the tent or the canopy anymore.
- Butterfield: Yeah.
- Toby: I wrote that memo, and the President signed it at my urging.
- Butterfield: I know.
- Toby: Ron, I don't think it's right that the Secret Service get blamed for what happened last night, I want the Treasury Department to hand over my memo to the Press.
- Butterfield: No, we can't do that.
- Toby: There are going to be a lot of questions.
- Butterfield: There are always a lot of questions.
- Toby: Ron.
- Butterfield: Don't worry about it, Toby.
- Toby: It's not right. You're the guys - look at your hand.
- Butterfield: My hand is fine.
- Toby: Your hand is not fine.
- Butterfield: Toby.
- Toby: Let me go over there and tell them it was my fault.
- Ron: It wasn't your fault.
- Butterfield: Ron.
- Ron: It wasn't your fault. It wasn't Gina's fault, it wasn't Charlie's fault, it wasn't anybody's fault, Toby. It was an act of madmen. You think a tent was going to stop them? We got the President in the car. We got Zoey in the car. And at a hundred and fifty yards, five stories up, the shooters were down nine point two seconds after the first shot was fired. I would never let you not let me protect the President. You tell us you don't like something, we figure out something else. It was an act of madmen. Anyway, the Secret Service doesn't comment on procedure.
- Toby: Okay.
- [Butterfield walks away.]
- Toby: Good job last night.
- Butterfield: Thank you.
- C.J.: This is our fifth press briefing since midnight. Obviously, there's one story that's going to dominate news around the world for the next few days, and it would be easy to think that President Bartlet, Joshua Lyman, and Stephanie Abbott were the only victims of a gun crime last night. They weren't. Mark Davis and Sheila Evans of Philadelphia were killed by a gun last night. He was a biology teacher, and she was a nursing student. Tina Bishop and Linda Larkin were killed with a gun last night. They were 12. There were 36 homicides last night. 480 sexual assaults, 3,411 robberies, 3,685 aggravated assaults, all at gunpoint. And if anyone thinks those crimes could have been prevented if the victims themselves had been carrying guns, I'd only remind you that the President of the United States was shot last night while surrounded by the best trained armed guards in the history of the world. Back to the briefing.
- [flashback]
- Bartlet: Tonight, what began on the commons in Concord, Massachusetts, as an alliance of farmers and workers, of cobblers and tinsmiths, of statesmen and students, of mothers and wives, of men and boys, lives two centuries later as America! My name is Josiah Bartlet, and I accept your nomination for the Presidency of the United States!
The Midterms
- Bartlet: Good morning, everybody. Anybody know what the word 'acalculia' means?
- Sam: It's the inability to perform arithmetic functions...I'm sorry, Mr. President. You wanted to answer your own question, didn't you?
- Bartlet: Yeah, but I'll get over it.
- Sam: Good for you, sir. That's very mature.
- Bartlet: Shut up.
- Sam: You're not over it yet, are you?
- Bartlet: Toby, I'm drinking the most fantastic thing I've ever tasted in my life: chocolate syrup, whole milk, and seltzer. I know it sounds terrible, but trust me, I don't know where this has been all my life.
- Toby: It's called an egg cream, Mr. President. We invented them in Brooklyn.
- Bartlet: In Brooklyn? Not New England?
- Toby: There are many good things in this world not from New England, sir.
- Bartlet: Toby, don't ever let me hear you say that again.
- Charlie Okay. Zoey and I are going out. I'll be on my pager.
- Leo: You're going out?
- Charlie: Yeah.
- Leo: Charlie, you're taking extra protection, right?
- Charlie: Hey, Leo...
- Leo: Secret Service protection, Charlie. But thanks for loading me up with that image.
- Bartlet: Forgive me, Dr. Jacobs. Are you an M.D.?
- Dr. Jenna Jacobs: Ph.D.
- Bartlet: A Ph.D.?
- Dr. Jenna Jacobs: Yes, sir.
- Bartlet: In Psychology?
- Dr. Jenna Jacobs: No sir.
- Bartlet: Theology?
- Dr. Jenna Jacobs: No.
- Bartlet: Social work?
- Dr. Jenna Jacobs: I have a Ph.D. in English Literature.
- Bartlet: I'm asking, 'cause on your show, people call in for advice and you go by the name of Dr. Jacobs on your show. And I didn't know if maybe your listeners were confused by that, and assumed you had advanced training in Psychology, Theology, or health care.
- Dr. Jenna Jacobs: I don't believe they are confused, no sir.
- Bartlet: Good. I like your show. I like how you call homosexuality an abomination.
- Dr. Jenna Jacobs: I don't say homosexuality is an abomination, Mr. President. The Bible does.
- President Josiah Bartlet: Yes it does. Leviticus.
- Dr. Jenna Jacobs: 18:22.
- President Josiah Bartlet: Chapter and verse. I wanted to ask you a couple of questions while I have you here. I'm interested in selling my youngest daughter into slavery as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. She's a Georgetown sophomore, speaks fluent Italian, always cleared the table when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be? While thinking about that, can I ask another? My Chief of Staff Leo McGarry insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly says he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself or is it okay to call the police? Here's one that's really important because we've got a lot of sports fans in this town: touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean. Leviticus 11:7. If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point? Does the whole town really have to be together to stone my brother John for planting different crops side by side? Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing garments made from two different threads? Think about those questions, would you? One last thing: while you may be mistaking this for your monthly meeting of the Ignorant Tight-Ass Club, in this building, when the President stands, nobody sits.
- [long pause; Dr. Jenna Jacobs stands]
- Josh: The House stayed the same? After four months and 400 million dollars, everything stayed the same.
- Sam: Yup.
- Josh: Tell me democracy doesn't have a sense of humor. We sit here, we drink this beer out here on the stoop, in violation of about 47 city ordinances. I don't know, Toby, it's election night. What do you say about a government that goes out of its way to protect even citizens that try to destroy it?
- Toby: God bless America.
In this White House
- Bartlet: Charlie, I wanna hire a woman whose voice I think would fit in nicely around here. She's a conservative Republican. You think I should do it?
- Charlie: Absolutely, Mr. President, cause I'm told that theirs is the party of inclusion.
- Leo: So, I have to tell you, I've never seen Sam Seaborn get beat the way you beat him on Monday.
- Ainsley: Yes, well, Mr. McGarry...
- Leo: Leo.
- Ainsley: Yes, sir. I've been thinking about that ever since your office called me on Tuesday, and I have something to say on my own behalf, if you'll permit me a moment to say it, and I understand if you won't, but I would really appreciate it if you did.
- Leo: I... didn't really follow that, but whatever.
- Ainsley: I think that it is wrong for a man in your position to summon someone to the White House to reprimand them for voicing opposition. I think that that is wrong, and it is inappropriate. It's inappropriate, and I'll tell you what else.
- Leo: It's wrong?
- Ainsley: Yes.
- Leo: That's fine, except you weren't summoned here to be reprimanded.
- Ainsley: Well, then, if you'll permit me, why was I summoned?
- Leo: You have an interesting conversational style, do you know that?
- Ainsley: It's a nervous condition.
- Leo: I used to have a nervous condition.
- Ainsley: How did yours manifest itself?
- Leo: I drank a lot of scotch.
- Ainsley: I get sick when I drink too much.
- Leo: I get drunk when I drink too much.
- Ainsley: Well, Mr. McGarry...
- Leo: Leo.
- Ainsley: I'll ask again: for what purpose was I brought here today?
- Leo: So I could offer you a job.
- Ainsley: I'm asking because I do not think that it is fair that I be expected to play the role of the mouse to the White House's cat in the game of... you know the game?
- Leo: Cat and mouse?
- Ainsley: Yes. And it's not like I'm not, you know. The fact that I may not look like some of the other Republicans who have crossed your path does not mean that I'm any less inclined toward...
- Leo: Here it comes.
- Ainsley: Did you say offer me a job?
- Leo: Yes. Associate White House counsel. You'd report to the deputy White House counsel who reports to the White House counsel who reports to me.
- Ainsley: I'm sorry... a job in this White House?
- Leo: You want a glass of scotch?
- Ainsley: Yes, please.
- Ainsley: I have always been a Republican. My father is a Republican. His father was State Chairman of the North Carolina Republican Party.
- Leo: Yes.
- Ainsley: When I was young, I was a Young Republican.
- Leo: Yeah, Ainsley, even if you hadn't already told me all of this, you know, many, many times, I would know it anyway, 'cause I have this FBI file.
- Ainsley: You have my FBI file?
- Leo: Yes.
- Ainsley: I can't believe that! You have my FBI file?
- Leo: Yes.
- Ainsley: I have an FBI file?
- Leo: Ainsley...
- Ainsley:
Mr. McGarry, I loathe almost everything you believe in. [stands up]
- Leo: Where are you going?
- Ainsley: I'm not going anywhere, I'm standing up, which is how one speaks in opposition in a civilized world.
- Leo: Well, you go, girl.
- Ainsley: I find this administration smug and patronizing, and under the impression that those who disagree with them are less than they are, and with colder hearts.
- Leo: I don't think that's true.
- Ainsley: How many people on your staff assumed that I was ambitious, mean, and stupid?
- Leo: None. [after a moment] C.J. Cregg thinks you kill your pets. You don't do that, do you?
- Ainsley: No, I don't kill my pets. I don't have any pets. I was thinking about getting a pet, but-- that doesn't matter. The point is...
- Leo: Ainsley.
- Ainsley: Yes, sir.
- Leo: Don't you want to work in the White House?
- Ainsley: Oh, only since I was two.
- Leo: [shrugging] Okay.
- Leo: Ainsley...
- Ainsley: Mr. McGarry.
- Leo: The President likes smart people who disagree with him. He wants to hear from you. The President's asking you to serve. And everything else is crap.
- Josh You're not taking the job?
- Ainsley: No. But thank you for talking to me, instead of about me.
- Josh: Hey, I'm still back on he offered you the job... but you're not taking the job?
- Sam: No, man, why participate in the process when you can get a job commenting on it?
- Ainsley: You think because I don't want to work here it's because I can get a better gig on Geraldo? Gosh, let's see if there could possibly be any other reason why I wouldn't want to work in this White House? This White House that feels that government is better for children than parents are. That looks at forty years of degrading and humiliating free lunches handed out in a spectacularly failed effort to level the playing field and says, 'Let's try forty more.' This White House that says of anyone that points that out to them, that they are cold and mean and racist, and then accuses Republicans of using the politics of fear. This White House that loves the Bill of Rights, all of them - except the second one.
- Sam: This is the wrong place to talk about guns right now. I thought your column was idiotic.
- Ainsley: Imagine my surprise.
- Sam: But for a brilliant surgical team and two centimeters of a miracle, this guy's [Josh] dead right now. From bullets fired from a gun bought legally. They bought guns, they loaded 'em, they drove from Wheeling to Rosslyn, and until they pulled the trigger they had yet to commit a crime. I am so off the charts tired of the gun lobby tossing around words like personal freedom and nobody calling 'em on it. It's not about personal freedom. And it certainly has nothing to do with public safety. It's just that some people like guns.
- Ainsley: Yes, they do. But do you know what's even more insidious than that? Your gun control position doesn't have anything to do with public safety, and it's certainly not about personal freedom. It's about that you don't like the people who do like guns. You don't like the people. Think about that the next time you make a joke about the South.
- Bruce: [about Ainsley being offered a job at the White House] Oh, damn. I wanted you to say it to his face. I wanted to see...
- Harriet: I hate these people.
- Bruce: Did you meet anyone there who isn't worthless?
- Ainsley: Don't say that.
- Bruce: Did you meet anyone there who has any - ?
- Ainsley: I said don't say that. Say they are smug and superior. Say their approach to public policy makes you want to tear your hair out. Say they like high taxes and spending your money. Say they want to take your guns and open your borders but don't call them worthless. At least don't do it in front of me. The people I have met have been extraordinarily qualified. Their intent is good. Their commitment is true. They are righteous, and they are patriots. And I'm their lawyer.
And It's Surely to Their Credit
- Engineer: Cut take.
- Bartlet: Sorry, everybody. This is gonna be it. Four is my lucky number.
- Donna: This is take five, sir.
- Bartlet: Five is my lucky number. "Fifth-take Bartlet" - that's what Jack Warner used to call me.
- Donna: Did you really know Jack Warner, Mr. President?
- Bartlet: Yeah, because I used to be a contract player in Hollywood and I'm 97 years old.
- Engineer: Saturday morning radio address, take 21.
- Donna: I have a really good feeling about this one, sir.
- Bartlet: Is this still my first term?
- Ainsley: He was okay with it?
- Leo: He thinks it's a great idea. He can't wait to meet you.
- Ainsley: Lionel Tribbey.
- Leo: Yeah.
- Ainsley: Lionel Tribbey thinks hiring me was a great idea.
- Leo: Why are you surprised?
- Ainsley: Well, because I am a Republican and Lionel Tribbey is... incredibly not.
- Leo: Lionel Tribbey is the White House Counsel. He's a brilliant and fair-minded attorney, and he will accept you on his staff because he is... well, fair-minded and because...
- Ainsley: You haven't told him yet!
- Leo: I have, in fact, not told him yet, no.
- Ainsley: So you lied to me just then.
- Leo: I'm a politician, Ainsley. Of course I lied to you just then.
- Leo: This is Ainsley Hayes. She's scared of meeting you, so be nice.
- Tribbey: The girl who's been writing the columns?
- Leo: Yeah.
- Tribbey: [to Ainsley] You're an idiot.
- Ainsley: Oh God–
- Leo: She's not an idiot, Lionel, she clerked for Dreifort!
- Tribbey: Well, Dreifort's an idiot.
- Leo: Dreifort's a Supreme Court Justice, Lionel, so let's speak of him with respect and practice some tolerance for those who disagree with us.
- Tribbey: I believe, as long as Justice Dreifort is intolerant toward gays, lesbians, blacks, unions, women, poor people, and the first, fourth, fifth, and ninth amendments, I will remain intolerant toward him! [to Ainsley] Nice meeting you.
- Leo: She's working for you, Lionel.
- Tribbey: Excuse me?
- Leo: She's working for you. The president asked me to hire her for your office.
- Tribbey: The President of what, asked you to hire her for my office?
- Leo: The United States.
- Tribby: [storming into the Oval Office] Mr. President, have you lost what little was left of your mind? I can't possibly work like this!
- Donna: Oh, dear God.
- Technician: Cut!
- Bartlet: I had it!
- Tribbey: Excuse me, sir, is this a bad time?
- Bartlet: It's a bit of a bad time, Lionel...
- Tribbey: Well, forgive me, sir, but when you have a few moments, I would like to discuss the hiring of a blonde and leggy fascist whose knowledge does not include the proper order of the alphabet for positions of the White House Counsel's office.
- Bartlet: And we will, Lionel, but right now I don't know if you noticed but there are thirty or forty other people in the room, many of whom have donated significant amounts of money to the Democratic Party, so perhaps you could put a tighter grip on your horses and we will talk about it later.
- Tribbey: Yes. Well. Good morning, everyone! Thank you, Mr. President.
- [walks out of the room in complete silence]
- Bartlet: Well, obviously, Lionel Tribbey is a brilliant lawyer whom we cannot live without, or there would be very little reason not to put him in prison.
The Lame Duck Congress
- Bartlet: Charlie!
- Charlie: Yes, sir.
- Bartlet: Can I have a couple of aspirin or a weapon of some kind to kill people with?
- Charlie: Yes sir.
- Bartlet: Leo?
- Leo: Look, even when they're here in session, trying to get a hundred Senators in line is still like getting cats to march in parade.
- Sam: I don't need your help. I'm asking for your help so let's not make a federal...
- Ainsley: [into her phone] Dad, it's me. Sam's asking for my help.
- Sam: Put the phone down.
- Ainsley: [into her phone] Gotta go, dad, I need to help Sam.
- Sam: That must have rolled them in the aisles back in Georgia.
- Ainsley: I'm from North Carolina.
- Sam: Wherever it was you studied baton twirling.
- Ainsley: That'd be Harvard Law School.
- Ainsley: I'm not going to say anything. I'm not going to spill anything. I'm not going to get Republican juice on you. I'm just going to sit there and learn.
- Sam: Look...
- Ainsley: From the master, Sam, I want to learn from the master.
- Sam: [stopping] See, women think that kind of thing works, but it doesn't.
- Ainsley: [steps close] It really does, Sam.
- [Sam looks at her. They start walking again.]
- Sam: I let you come to the Hill, you'll summarize my memo?
- Ainsley: I'll use punctuation and everything. You might even get extra credit.
- Donna: So, I'm being used.
- Josh: Yes.
- Donna: As a dupe.
- Josh: Yes.
- Donna: How am I supposed to feel about that?
- Josh: How do you usually feel about that?
- Donna: My value here is that I have no value.
- Josh: You have enormous value to me. You have absolutely no value to Eastern Europe.
- Bartlet: You know we forget sometimes, in all the talk about democracy we forget it's not a democracy, it's a republic. People don't make the decisions, they choose the people who make the decisions. Could they do a better job choosing? Yeah. But when you consider the alternative...
The Portland Trip
- Bartlet: The Assistant Energy Secretary is flying to Portland in the middle of the night so he can meet with me on Air Force One on the way back?
- Charlie: Yes sir.
- Bartlet: The day-to-day experience of my life has changed in many ways since taking this job.
- Danny: [asking why C.J is going on the Portland Trip] Are you being punished?
- C.J.: I'm not being punished. I'm going on the trip.
- Danny: If the whole bus goes off the record, will you tell us why you're going on the trip?
- C.J.: [hesitating] I made fun of Notre Dame. [the journalists collectively groaned] Usually I get away with it.
- Katie: They're playing Michigan tomorrow.
- C.J.: I know that now.
- Danny: You can't do that when they're playing Michigan.
- Josh: [Donna is wearing a nice dress] What are your plans?
- Donna: We're having drinks, we're having dinner, we are going dancing, we are having dessert.
- Josh: No problem. You can do all those things except for the drinks, the dancing, and the dessert.
- Donna: Josh...
- Josh: I need you to be done with dinner in an hour and five minutes.
- Donna: Do you see what I'm wearing?
- Josh: If you wanna have sex, you'd better do it during dinner.
- Donna: This is the guy, Josh. This is a great guy. His name is Todd.
- Josh: You met him for five minutes at a party.
- Donna: I got the good vibe.
- Josh: Okay.
- Donna: I have an excellent sense about these things.
- Josh: Actually, you have no sense about these things. You have no vibe, you have terrible taste in men, and your desire to be coupled up will always and forever drown out any sense of self or self-worth that you may have.
- Donna: You're a downer, you know that? I'm calling you Deputy Downer from now on.
- Sam: Oratory should raise your heart rate. Oratory should blow the doors off the place. We should be talking about not being satisfied with past solutions. We should be talking about a permanent revolution.
- Toby: Where have I heard that?
- Sam: Permanent Revolution?
- Toby: Yeah.
- Sam: I got it from a book.
- Toby: What book?
- Sam: The Little Red Book
- Toby: You think we should quote Mao Tse-tung?
- Sam: We do need a permanent revolution.
- Toby: Still, I think we'll stay away from quoting Communists.
- Sam: You think a Communist never wrote an elegant phrase? How do you think they got everyone to be Communist?
- Bartlet: A long flight across the night. You know why late flights are good? Because we cease to be earthbound and burdened with practicality. Asking important questions. Talking about the idea that nobody has thought about yet. Put it a different way...
- Sam: Be poets.
Shibboleth
- Sam: Over three and a half centuries ago, linked by faith and bound by a common desire for liberty, a small band of pilgrims sought out a place in the New World where they could worship according to their own beliefs... and solve crimes.
- Toby: Sam...
- Sam: It'd be good. By day, they churn butter and worship according to their own beliefs, and by night they solve crimes.
- Toby: Read the thing.
- Sam: Pilgrim detectives.
- Toby: Do you see me laughing?
- Sam: I think you're laughing on the inside.
- Toby: Okay.
- Sam: With the big hats.
- Toby: Give me the speech.
- C.J.: In the following days, we will be meeting with Reverend Al Caldwell, members of Beijing's Embassy and INS agents. The President has asked Josh Lyman and Sam Seaborn to run these meetings so it's entirely possible that by week's end we'll have alienated Christians, China, and our own government.
- C.J.: They sent me two turkeys. The most photo-friendly of the two gets a Presidential pardon and a full life at a children's zoo. The runner-up gets eaten.
- Bartlet: If the Oscars were like that, I'd watch.
- Bartlet: There are questions as to the veracity of your claim to the asylum.
- Jhin-Wei: Yes sir.
- Bartlet: How did you become a Christian?
- Jhin-Wei: I began attending a house church with my wife in Fujian. Eventually, I was baptized.
- Bartlet: How do you practice?
- Jhin-Wei: We share bibles--we don't have enough. We sing hymns. We hear sermons. We recite the Lord's Prayer. We are charitable.
- Bartlet: Who's the head of your church?
- Jhin-Wei: The head of our parish is an 84-year-old man named Wen-Ling. He's been beaten and imprisoned many times. The head of our church is Jesus Christ.
- Bartlet: Can you name any of Jesus' disciples? [beat] If you can't, that's okay. I usually can't remember the names of my kids, or for that matter...
- Jhin-Wei: Peter, Andrew, John, Phillip, Bartholomew, Thomas, Matthew, Thaddeus, Simon, Judas and James. [beat] Mr. President, Christianity is not demonstrated through a recitation of facts. You're seeking evidence of faith, a wholehearted acceptance of God's promise for a better world. 'For we hold that man is justified by faith alone' is what St. Paul said. 'Justified by faith alone.' Faith is the true... uh, I'm trying to... shibboleth. Faith is the true shibboleth.
- Bartlet: [beat] Yes, it is. And you sir, just said the magic word in more ways than one. Thank you.
- Charlie: Okay, Mr. President, I say this with all possible respect, but each of these knives cut, you know, meat. Why is it important?
- Bartlet: Because it's something we pass on. Something with a history so we can say, 'My father gave this to me. His father gave it to him.'
- Charlie: Well, okay, sir, but if that's true, then why don't you already have one?
- Bartlet: I do have one.
- Charlie: Why do you need a new one?
- Bartlet: I'm giving mine away.
- Charlie: To who?
- Bartlet: Whom.
- Charlie: To whom?
- Bartlet: Funny you should ask. [takes out knife case from his drawer] Charlie, my father gave this to me, and his father gave it to him, and now I'm giving it to you. Take a look. The fully tapered bolster allows for sharpening the entire edge of the blade.
- Charlie: It says 'P.R.' I thought I knew them all, but I don't recognize the manufacturer.
- Bartlet: Yeah. This was made for my family by a Boston silversmith named Paul Revere...I'm proud of you Charlie.
Galileo
- Sam: Who wrote this intro?
- Tate: I did.
- Sam: You're from NASA Public Affairs?
- Tate: Yep.
- Sam: You mind if I give it a polish?
- Tate: Is there a problem?
- Sam: No, it's great. You mind if I change it?
- Tate: I'd prefer if you didn't.
- Sam: Just the same...
- Tate: The Public Affairs has cleared the text. If it's gonna be changed, I'd prefer that the President change it.
- Sam: See, that's kind of what he pays me to do, so...
- Tate: Look, I don't want to step on your toes. You don't want to step on mine. We're both writers.
- Sam: Yes, I suppose, if you broaden the definition to those who can't spell.
- Tate: Excuse me?
- ...
- Bartlet: Can I see the intro?
- Sam: It's up on the Prompter.
- Bartlet: [reads] "Good morning! I'm speaking to you live from the West Wing of the White House. Today we have a very unique opportunity to take part live in an extremely historic event which..." Whoa, boy...
- Sam: [waves and smiles] How you doing, Mr. President?
- Bartlet: Who wrote this intro?
- Tate: I did, sir. I'm Scott Tate from NASA Public Affairs.
- Bartlet: [gets up and shakes his hand] Scott. "Unique" means "one of a kind." Something can't be very unique, nor can it be extremely historic.
- C.J.: While we're at it, do we have to use the word "live" twice in the first two sentences like we just cracked the technology?
- Tate: Look...
- C.J.: We're also broadcasting in living color, right?
- Bartlet: Sam?
- Sam: Yeah.
- Bartlet: Sam's gonna make some changes.
- Tate: Are you going to clear them with me?
- Sam: Probably not. [to the recorder] Write this. Eleven months ago, a 1,200-pound spacecraft blasted off from Cape Canaveral, Florida. Eighteen hours ago...18 hours, do I have that right? It's going to be noon Eastern time.
- C.J.: Yep.
- Sam: Eighteen hours ago, it landed on the planet Mars. You, me, and 60,000 of your fellow students across the country, along with astroscientists and engineers from the Jet Propulsion Lab in Southern California, NASA Houston, and right here at the White House are going to be to the first to see what it sees, and to chronicle the extraordinary voyage of an unmanned ship called 'Galileo V.'
- Bartlet: [to C.J.] He said it right.
- Josh: There's a Citizen's Stamp Advisory Committee?
- Leo: Yes.
- Josh: Made up of members of the There-But-For-The-Grace-of-God-go-I Club?
- Leo: You wanna mock people or let me talk to Toby?
- Josh: I wanna mock people.
- Sam: There are a lot of hungry people in the world, Mal, and none of them are hungry 'cause we went to the moon. None of them are colder and certainly none of them are dumber 'cause we went to the moon.
- Mallory: And we went to the moon. Do we really have to go to Mars?
- Sam: Yes.
- Mallory: Why?
- Sam: 'Cause it's next. 'Cause we came out of the cave and we looked over the hill and we saw fire. And we crossed the ocean and we pioneered the West and we took to the sky. The history of man is hung on a timeline of exploration, and this is what's next.
- Mallory: I know.
- Sam: People like you, who say that... [beat] What?
- Mallory: I said I know. We're supposed to be explorers.
- Sam: Then what the hell?
- Mallory: I just want to hear you talk about it.
- Sam: You know something?
- Mallory: You get all puffed up.
- Sam: You're a pain in the ass.
- Mallory: Yes.
- Bartlet: [to Leo, about a Russian warhead explosion:] Leo, at the time the SS-19 exploded, it was being drained of its liquid hydrogen in an attempt by deserting soldiers to – wait for it...
- Leo: Steal the warhead?
- Bartlet: Steal the warhead! [to the Russian Ambassador ] When were you gonna tell us about that? You realize how dangerous–
- Russian Ambassador: Mr. President, you shouldn't be concerned with the welfare of the Russian people.
- Bartlet: Well, I am concerned with the welfare of the Russian people, but that's not what they pay me for. You guys fall asleep at the switch in Minsk, and I've got a whole hemisphere hiding under the bed. How do you not tell us this is going on? How do you not ask us for help?
- Russian Ambassador: We'll not need help finding the leaders of the black-market network–
- Bartlet: Yeah, thanks. We're sending in NATO inspectors.
- Russian Ambassador: Leo and I were just discussing the terms.
- Leo: The terms are we're sending in NATO or he's taking a walk to the press room.
- Bartlet: [to the Russian Ambassador] Get your foreign minister on the phone. [pauses] I honestly don't know from where you guys get the nerve.
- Russian Ambassador: From a long, hard winter, Mr. President.
- C.J.: We have at our disposal a captive audience of schoolchildren. Some of them don't go to the blackboard or raise their hand cause they think they're going to be wrong. I think you should say to these kids, "You think you get it wrong sometimes, you should come down here and see how the big boys do it." I think you should tell them you haven't given up hope, and that it may turn up, but in the meantime, you want NASA to put its best people in the room, and you want them to start building Galileo VI. Some of them will laugh and most of them won't care, but for some they might honestly see that it's about going to the blackboard and raising your hand.
Noël
- Dr. Keyworth: We're from ATVA.
- Josh: Yeah.
- Dr. Keyworth: That's the American Trauma Victims Association.
- Josh: Yeah.
- Dr. Keyworth: We're commonly called in by the government to work with trauma victims. I'll give you some examples. The pipe bomb at Lancaster Middle School. We worked with the parents and the kids...
- Josh: [interrupts] Tulsa, Hurricane Beth, the Chatham fires, the Iowa tornadoes, the FBI raid in Rock Creek.
- Dr. Keyworth: So, you are familiar with us?
- Josh: Dr. Keyworth, I'm the Deputy White House Chief of Staff. I oversee 1100 White House employees. I answer directly to Leo McGarry and the President of the United States. Do you think you're talking to the paperboy?
- Dr. Keyworth: No.
- Josh: In your wildest dreams did you imagine that I'd walk in this room without knowing exactly who you are and what you do?
- Dr. Keyworth: No.
- Josh: Then why did you lie to me right off the bat?
- Dr. Keyworth: Josh...
- Josh: [indicating Kaytha] She's not here training!
- Dr. Keyworth: As a matter of fact, she is.
- Josh: I read briefing books every day on subjects considerably more complicated than ATVA.
- Dr. Keyworth: She is here training in trauma therapy.
- Josh: Yeah, but that's not why there are two of you.
- Dr. Keyworth: No.
- Josh: That's not the reason why there are two of you.
- Dr. Keyworth: No.
- Josh: I get up, go to the bathroom, go to my office, answer the phone -- one of you watches me.
- Dr. Keyworth: Yeah.
- Josh: Stanley, you got off to a bad start.
- Dr. Keyworth: Yes, I did.
- Josh: Yes, you did.
- Dr. Keyworth: Let's start again.
- Josh: You gonna lie to me this time?
- Dr. Keyworth: No. You gonna lie to me?
- Josh: Haven't yet.
- Dr. Keyworth: Really?
- Josh: Yeah.
- [Dr. Keyworth nods and waits a moment.]
- Dr. Keyworth: How did you cut your hand? [pause] You're not talking to the paperboy, either, Josh.
- Charlie: Christmas cards.
- Bartlet: How many am I sending out?
- Charlie: One million, one hundred and ten thousand.
- Bartlet: Seriously?
- Charlie: Yes, sir.
- Bartlet: I'm sending out 1.1 million Christmas cards?
- Charlie: It's a three-tier system, sir. There are about a thousand names on the First Family's list, then there are about a hundred thousand campaign workers and contributors.
- Bartlet: Who are the other million?
- Charlie: You send a Christmas card to everyone who writes a letter to the White House.
- Bartlet: I do?
- Charlie: Yes, sir. And somewhere around a million people wrote you letters this year.
- Bartlet: Okay, but some of those were death threats.
- Charlie: They've weeded those out.
- Josh: Stanley, you can ask the questions and you can answer them, but you can't do both at the same time.
- Dr. Keyworth: Yes, I can.
- Josh: Why?
- Dr. Keyworth: Because I know the answers, and I don't work for you.
- Josh: Is there gonna be a...
- Dr. Keyworth: How'd you cut your hand?
- Josh: Stanley...
- Dr. Keyworth: Nah, how'd you do it?
- [We see a flashback of Josh in his apartment, sitting on a couch with a glass.]
- Josh: I put a glass down.
- [Josh breaks the glass in his hand.]
- Dr. Keyworth: Yeah, I don't think you did.
- Josh: Stanley, I got home from the thing, I made a drink, I sat down, I pushed the magazine aside to use as a coaster, and I missed the coaster.
- Dr. Keyworth: You missed the coaster with quite a bit of force.
- Josh: I work out when I can.
- Dr. Keyworth: I swear, I am completely unimpressed with clever answers.
- Josh: And I was so hoping we'd have a second date.
- Dr. Keyworth: [pause] You're in nine kinds of pain. You don't even know what's going on inside of you. And you are so locked into damage control that you can't...
- Josh: You diagnosed me in eight hours?
- Dr. Keyworth: Josh, I diagnosed you in five minutes.
- Josh: Why would the music have started it?
- Dr. Keyworth: Well, I know it's going to sound like I'm telling you that two plus two equals a bushel of potatoes, but at this moment, in your head, music is the same thing as...
- Josh: ...as sirens. So that's going to be my reaction every time I hear music?
- Dr. Keyworth: No.
- Josh: Why not?
- Dr. Keyworth: Because... we get better.
- Josh: All the same, I need some more therapy.
- Dr. Keyworth: Oh, you're gonna get some.
- Josh: I mean now.
- Dr. Keyworth: Merry Christmas, Josh.
- Josh: We can order a pizza!
- Dr. Keyworth: [laughs] Have a good night.
- Josh: Stanley, I haven't told you my dreams yet!
- Dr. Keyworth: Fax 'em over to me.
- Josh: Merry Christmas.
- Leo: How'd it go?
- Josh: Did you wait around for me?
- Leo: How'd it go?
- Josh: He thinks I may have an eating disorder...
- Leo: Josh...
- Josh: ...and a fear of rectangles. That's not weird, is it? [pause] I didn't cut my hand on a glass. I broke a window in my apartment.
- Leo: This guy's walking down a street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep, he can't get out. A doctor passes by, and the guy shouts up, "Hey you, can you help me out?" The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a priest comes along, and the guy shouts up "Father, I'm down in this hole, can you help me out?" The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. "Hey Joe, it's me, can you help me out?" And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, "Are you stupid? Now we're both down here." The friend says, "Yeah, but I've been down here before, and I know the way out." [pause] Long as I got a job, you got a job, you understand?
The Leadership Breakfast
- Sam: It's a private poll. The press doesn't have access to it... The only way they'd know what questions were being asked is if they were actually called by one of the pollsters and... Oh my god!
- C.J.: Yes.
- Sam: A reporter got called by one of the pollsters?
- Josh: Wow. What are the chances of that?
- Sam: The chances of that are astronomical.
- Josh: We can calculate it. They sample 800 respondents...
- C.J.: Would the two of you stop being amazed by the mathematics!
- Donna: Josh, this was delivered by messenger.
- Josh: What is it?
- Donna: It's... wait... wait... no. Damn, my x-ray vision is failing me today.
- Josh: Gimme that!
- ...
- Josh: Donna?
- Donna: What was in the envelope?
- Josh: Your underwear.
- Donna: What?
- Josh: I'm holding your underwear in my hand right now. And the way I know it's your underwear is that your name is sewn in the back which, obviously, we'll spend some time talking about at a later date.
- C.J.: Why were you holding women's underwear before?
- Josh: Never really needed a reason.
- Bartlet: Donna wants me to call Karen Cahill and make it clear she wasn't hitting on her when she gave her her underwear.
- Leo: Yeah, that's because I made fun of her shoes and Sam said there were nuclear weapons in Kyrgyzstan and Donna went to clear up the mix up and accidentally left her underwear.
- Bartlet: There can't possibly be nuclear weapons in Kyrgyzstan...
- Leo: Mr. President, please don't wade hip deep into this story.
- Leo: Alexander Hamilton didn’t think we should have political parties. Neither did John Adams. He thought political parties led to divisiveness.
- Toby: They do. They should. We have honest disagreements. Arguments are good.
- Leo: Only if they lead to statesmanship. Or it’s just theatre. And statesmanship is compromise.
- Toby: What about persuasion? They’re coming for us, Leo.
- Leo: I know.
- Toby: I mean they’re coming for us now.
- Leo: Toby, if you knew what it was like getting him to run the first time...
- Toby: I know.
- Leo: Like pushing molasses up a sandy hill. If I go and tell him it’s time to run again he’s going to get crazy... and frustrated. He’s going to sink into his head and he’s going to say he’s not running.
- Toby: Yeah.
- Leo: Yeah.
- Toby: So we’ve got to do it for him. We’ll keep it away from this office but we’ve got to get real now. Leo, Ann Stark’s a wartime consigliere. That’s why she was bumped up.
- Leo: I’m a wartime consigliere too, Toby.
- Toby: Yeah.
- Leo: I was just hoping it’d be peace time a little longer.
- Toby: Yeah.
- Leo: Son of a bitch. [stands] Shake my hand.
- [Toby and Leo shake hands]
- Leo: We just formed it.
- Toby: Formed what?
- Leo: The Committee to Reelect the President.
The Drop-In
- Mrs. Landingham: [about the missile shield] You're testing that preposterous contraption again.
- Leo: It's not preposterous, it's not a contraption, and mind your own business.
- Mrs. Landingham: In my day we knew how to protect ourselves.
- Leo: Well, in your day you could pretty much turn back the Indians with a Daniel Boone musket, couldn't you?
- Mrs. Landingham: Ah, sarcasm, the grumpy man's wit.
- Leo: Go sharpen a pencil, would you?
- Donna: Is it true that Leo can't stand a guy named Lord John Marbury?
- Josh: Why?
- Donna: A reporter asked me.
- Josh: What's a reporter doing talking to you?
- Donna: He's a friend of a friend.
- Josh: Leo McGarry has nothing but respect and affection for John Marbury.
- Donna: That's what I said.
- Josh: Good, 'cause Leo thinks he's a lunatic.
- Donna: He's very handsome.
- Josh: That may be so, but Leo thinks he's a lunatic.
- Donna: Are you threatened by his brilliance?
- Josh: No.
- Donna: You seem to be threatened by his brilliance.
- Josh: How do you know he's brilliant?
- Donna: I saw his picture.
- Josh: I'm not threatened by his brilliance, nor am I threatened by his good looks.
- Donna: What about his charm?
- Josh: I'm not threatened at all...
- Donna: I'm sorry, I meant Leo.
- Josh: Neither Leo or I are threatened by his brains, his looks or his charm. He is, however, a lunatic Brit and we're grateful there's an ocean between us.
- Donna: There isn't anymore.
- Josh: There isn't what?
- Donna: An ocean between you.
- Josh: Please, don't tell me...
- Donna: He's the new British ambassador to the United States.
- Margaret: There's someone here to see you.
- Leo: Who?
- Lord John Marbury: [from outer office] Gerald?
- Leo: Oh, God.
- Lord John Marbury: [enters] Gerald! Old friend!
- Leo: Good to see you, ambassador.
- [They shake hands. Margaret leaves.]
- Lord John Marbury: It's as if the gods themselves insist we be not long apart, you and I.
- Leo: They do seem to strongly insist upon that, yes.
- Lord John Marbury: Your assistant, Margaret, is looking positively buxom.
- Leo: [awkwardly] Thank you. I'll tell her.
- Margaret: [from outer office] Thank you!
- Lord John Marbury: Oh, yes! Well done!
- Josh: You know, can I say this? Why don't we just give the $60 billion to North Korea in exchange for not bombing us?
- Bartlet: It's almost hard to believe that you're not on the National Security Council.
- Josh: I know, I feel like they're missing an important voice.
- Bartlet: Where are you on the missile shield?
- Lord John Marbury: Well, I think it's dangerous, illegal...fiscally irresponsible, technologically unsound, and a threat to all people everywhere.
- Bartlet: Leo?
- Leo: I think the world invented a nuclear weapon. I think the world owes it to itself to see if it can't invent something to make it irrelevant.
- Lord John Marbury: Well that's the right sentiment... and certainly a credible one from a man who's fought in a war. You think you can make it stop? Well, you can't. We build a shield and somebody will build a better missile.
- Bartlet: Well, it's a discussion for serious men. They say a statesman is a politician who's been dead for fifteen years. I'd like us to be statesmen while we're still alive.
Bartlet's Third State of the Union
- Sam: They have bathrobes at the gym?
- C.J.: In the women's locker room.
- Sam: But not the men's.
- C.J.: Yeah.
- Sam: Now, that's outrageous. There's a thousand men working here and fifty women...
- C.J.: Yeah, and it's the bathrobes that's outrageous.
- Mrs. Landingham: The President was balancing his checkbook and came across an outstanding check for $500 that was never cashed. A check was written by the First Lady to a woman the President has never heard of and he would like you to ask her about it.
- Charlie: The President was balancing his checkbook?
- Mrs. Landingham: Yeah.
- Charlie: Why?
- Mrs. Landingham: He does it to relax.
- Charlie: Okay.
- Mrs. Landingham: Yeah.
- Charlie: And why doesn't he ask the First Lady about the $500 check himself in the normal course of, you know, being married to her.
- Mrs. Landingham: When the President inquires into the First Lady's personal bookkeeping, the First Lady gets angry at him... and yells.
- Charlie: Well, she's gonna get angry and yell when I inquire too.
- Mrs. Landingham: Well, the President doesn't care so much about that.
- Charlie: Yeah, okay. This is a good job.
- Sam: How have you never met the President?
- Ainsley: I haven't.
- Sam: You've been working here three months.
- Ainsley: He works in the Oval Office and I work in the Steam Pipe Trunk Distribution Venue. I can't believe we haven't run into each other.
- ...
- Sam: Okay, can I talk to you about adrenaline for a second?
- Ainsley: Adrenaline?
- Sam: Yeah. You’re feeling it right now and it’s gonna get even more cause it’s a big night, and you were a hit and you’ve never experienced anything like this.
- Ainsley: And you think I’m going to have a nutty.
- Sam: I’m saying don’t drink until you’re off television.
- Ainsley: God! Thanks Sam for that debating tip. You have a feel for nuances. You say I shouldn’t be drunk when I’m representing the White House.
- Sam: Yeah. And remember you’re a blond, Republican girl and that nobody likes you.
- Ainsley: I'm going back on television now.
- Sam: Try to remember you're on our side.
- Donna: You have to ask a girl out on a date. You can't just randomly tumble into a girl sidewise and hope she breaks up with you soon, like you always do.
- Josh: Why not?
- Donna: Because you can't!
- Josh: You just said I always do.
- Donna: Josh, I can help you or I can not help you. It's up to you.
- Josh: Then I absolutely choose not helping me.
- Donna: You want me to ask her out for you?
- Josh: Yeah. That's exactly what I want you to do.
- Donna: [Joey walks in] Joey...
- Josh: Sit down.
- Congressman Shallick: Excuse me. But this White House uses the first amendment to protect flag burning, to protect pornography, to ban school prayer. Why when the Second Amendment clearly says that the federal government will not infringe upon citizen’s...
- Toby: Because it doesn't...
- Congressman Shallick: ...right to keep and bear arms...
- Toby: It doesn't really say that.
- Congressman Shallick: Toby!
- Toby: In fact it doesn't say that at all. The only way it says that at all is if you remove some words from it.
- Congressman Shallick: Oh, look. Will you...?
- Toby: It says a well-regulated militia, being necessary for the security of the free state, the government shall not infringe. The words regulated and militia are in the first sentence. I don't think the Framer's were thinking of three guys in a Dodge Durango.
- Congressman Shallick: Well, you don't really know what the Framers were thinking, do you?
- Toby: No. But I do know that if you combine the populations of Great Britain, France, Germany, Japan, Switzerland, Sweden, Denmark and Australia you've got a population roughly the size of the United States. We had 32,000 gun deaths last year and they had 112. Do you think it's because Americans are more homicidal by nature? Or do you think it's because those guys have gun control laws?
The War at Home
- Ainsley: [about the President] You have to arrange another introduction!
- Sam: Last night you were scared to meet him.
- Ainsley: And I'm still scared to meet him, but I'll overcome that in order to erase the humiliation that I've brought upon myself and my father.
- Sam: You are just in your own little Euripides play over there, aren't you?
- Abbey: [angry] I don't think it's a good idea for us to talk about this now.
- Bartlet: Why?
- Abbey: Cause you've got to focus on Columbia.
- Bartlet: [angry] I can do two things at once.
- Abbey: You don't have two things at once, Jed. You have ninety-two things at once and one of them is five hostages in Columbia.
- Bartlet: Yes and I'd like to go about my day without this black cloud around me so I'd like to talk now!
- Abbey: And I'm saying this is a longer conversation than that. I don't want you all over the place and we can talk about it later and you should focus.
- Bartlet: What are you, my Zen master? Can I be in charge of my own mind?!
- Abbey: Let me tell you something, jackass! Get as chippy as you want if that makes you feel better. I am your wife... I love you... you have a crisis... you have to deal with it. When it's done we'll talk.
- Bartlet: [pause] I feel better already.
- Bartlet: Damn it! How the hell did it happen?
- Leo: It was bad intelligence, sir.
- Bartlet: You think?
- Leo: Ferente left behind a radio and a soldier at the outpost. And they were deliberately sending us misinformation.
- Bartlet: We never anticipated that somebody might try that? We weren't prepared for someone to try and outfox us with a stratagem so sophisticated it's an entire generation behind "Hey look, your shoelaces are untied!?" Is that how I just lost nine guys, to a damn street gang with a ham radio?
- Bartlet: I didn't make the decision to run again!
- Abbey: Yes, you did! [faces him angrily] If we're gonna talk about this, let's talk about this. The moves over the last few weeks... the changes in last night's speech. This whole place is in reelection mode.
- Bartlet: That's what we do, Abbey. We run for things! From the day a Congressman is sworn in he's got to raise $10,000 a week to get reelected! A President gets to govern for eighteen months. We try to get people to vote for us and in the process we hope the people force us to do good things.
- Abbey: We had a deal!
- Bartlet: Yes, we had a deal.
- Abbey: Yes, Jed. [She walks back over and sits across from him.] Look at me! [He reluctantly looks at her.] Do you get that you have M.S.?
- Bartlet: Abbey...
- Abbey: Do you get that your own immune system is shredding your brain? And I can't tell you why. [tearfully] Do you have any idea how good a doctor I am and that I can't tell you why?
- Bartlet: I've had one episode in two years.
- Abbey: Yes, but relapsing-remitting M.S. can turn into secondary-progressive M.S. oftentimes ten years after the initial diagnosis which is exactly where we'll be in two years! Do you know what that's going to look like when it happens?
- Bartlet: I know what it's going to...
- Abbey: Fatigue... an inability to get through the day...
- Bartlet: Look...
- Abbey: ...memory lapses... loss of cognitive function... failure to reason... failure to think clearly. And I can't tell you if it's going to happen. I don't know if it's going to get better I don't know if it's going to get worse. But we had a deal. And that deal is how you justified keeping it a secret from the world. It's how you justified it to God. It's how you justified it to me.
- Leo: I fought a jungle war. I'm not doing it again. If I could put myself anywhere in time, it would be the Cabinet room, on August 4, 1964. When our ships were attacked by North Vietnam in the Tonkin Gulf. I'd say, "Mr. President...don't do it. Don't consider authorizing a massive commitment of troops and throwing in our lot with torturers and panderers, leaders without principle and soldiers without conviction; no clear mission, and no end in sight." This war is at home. The casualties are in our prisons, and not our hospitals. The amount of money the American government is spending in Colombia is the exact same amount American consumers are spending buying drugs from Colombia, we're funding both sides of this war and we'll never win it that way.
Ellie
- Mrs. Landingham: [about the President's movie options] And what was the other one about?
- Charlie: "Prince of New York?"
- Mrs. Landingham: Yeah.
- Charlie: [reading off a sheet of paper] It's an updated version of Dostoyevsky's "The Idiot" which tells the story of a Christ-like epileptic young man who embodies goodness, but encounters sex, crime, and family dysfunction.
- Mrs. Landingham: Hard to imagine why you didn't think the President would enjoy that, Charlie.
- Charlie: Well, he would have especially enjoyed the scene where the Prince Myshkin character has a seizure while engaging in an erotic fantasy in a Long Island church.
- Mrs. Landingham: Charlie, please don't say the word "erotic" in the Oval Office.
- Charlie: I'd be perfectly happy never to say any of those words anywhere ever again.
- Margaret: Red meat has been found to cause cancer in white rats. Maraschino cherries have been found to cause cancer in white rats. Cellular phones have been found to cause cancer in white rats. Has anyone examined the possibility that cancer might be hereditary in white rats?
- Surgeon General Griffith: Let me tell you something, I'm not a hundred percent sure we've ruled that out.
- Bartlet: What the hell are you doing talking to a reporter?
- Ellie: I...
- Bartlet: I have set up monumental, unprecedented, unbreakable rules about my children and the press. I have gotten White House reporters transferred to Yemen for approaching Zoey and Elizabeth. It is the law! Well, I'm sure before you gave the quote you cleared it with the Communications Office. I'm sure you went over the exact wording with C.J. Cregg and coordinated with White House strategy so that the timing was right in the news cycle. I'm certain you consulted the appropriate party leadership because you're a pretty knowledgeable operative having spent so much time with me. Ellie?
- Ellie: Dad...
- Bartlet: What?
- Ellie: [about the Surgeon General] She was... she was...
- Bartlet: WHAT?
- Ellie: She was doing...
- Bartlet: Pick your head up!
- Ellie: She was doing exactly what she is supposed to do! She... I'm sorry. She was asked a question, and she said what she knew to be true. And when you start firing doctors for that, you've crossed the line somewhere.
- Bartlet: There is politics involved in this, Ellie. And you knew it would make me unhappy, and that's why you did it. And that's cheap.
- Ellie: I didn't do it to make you unhappy, Dad.
- Bartlet: Well, you sure didn't do it to make me happy!
- Ellie: I don't know how to make you happy, Dad! For that, you've got to talk to Zoey or Liz.
- Surgeon General Griffith: [about Ellie] You frightened her.
- Bartlet: [incredulous] No, I didn't! How did I frighten her?
- Surgeon General Griffith: Jed, look where you're standing!
- Bartlet: I was elected two years ago! She's 24 years old!
- Surgeon General Griffith: You've been the king of whatever room you've walked into her entire life.
- Bartlet: Never seemed to intimidate Zoey or Liz.
- Surgeon General Griffith: Well, kids are different! They're not the same! You'd be amazed, you'd be stunned, at how soon they understand they're not their father's favorite.
- Bartlet: That's not true.
- Surgeon General Griffith: Sir...
- Bartlet: That's not true.
- Surgeon General Griffith: Mr. President-
- Bartlet: No, no, no! I will bear with the nonsense of the Christian right, and the Hollywood left, and the AFL-CIO, and the AARP, and the cannabis society of Japan! But I will not stand and allow someone to tell me that I love one of my children less than the others! [beat] She's frightened of me?
- Surgeon General Griffith: She ain't the only one.
- Bartlet: I hear you’re thinking about ophthalmology.
- Ellie: Oncology.
- Bartlet: Why would you want to study people’s feet?
- Ellie: That’s podiatry.
- Bartlet: That’s children’s medicine.
- Ellie: Pediatrics.
- Bartlet: I thought it was obstetrics.
- Ellie: That’s pregnant women.
- Bartlet: And what’s the study of feet?
- Ellie: Dad, you’re not going to make me laugh.
- Bartlet: The only thing you ever had to do to make me happy was come home at the end of the day.
Somebody's Going to Emergency, Somebody's Going to Jail
- Sam: I'm just going to change my shirt.
- Leo: You look bad. You're tired. You slept in the office. It's Friday. Go home.
- Sam: Why?
- Leo: Because I think you're putting too much faith in the magical powers of a new shirt.
- C.J.: No cameras.
- Toby: You negotiated that?
- C.J.: Yes.
- Toby: They agreed to it?
- C.J.: You want to make out with me right now, don't you?
- Toby: Well, when don't I?
- Josh: So, now you have two choices - meeting with an unruly mob or meeting with lunatic mapmakers.
- Toby: Or getting paid a lot more money working almost anywhere else I want.
- Toby: You want the benefits of free trade? Food is cheaper.
- Officer Rhonda Sachs: Yes.
- Toby: Food is cheaper! Clothes are cheaper, steel is cheaper, cars are cheaper ... Phone service is cheaper! You feel me building a rhythm here? That's because I'm a speech writer and I know how to make a point.
- Officer Rhonda Sachs: Toby.
- Toby: It lowers prices, and it raises income. You see what I did with 'lowers' and 'raises' there?
- Officer Rhonda Sachs: Yes.
- Toby: It's called the science of listener attention. We did repetition, we did floating opposites, and now you end with the one that's not like the others. Ready? Free trade stops wars. And that's it. Free trade stops wars, and we figure out a way to fix the rest. One world, one peace... I'm sure I've seen that on a sign somewhere.
- Officer Rhonda Sachs: [sarcastic] God, Toby. Wouldn't it be great if there was someone around with the communication skills who could go in there and tell them that?
- Toby: [beat] Shut up.
- Donna: [After Sam learns the identity of a deceased Communist spy] It was people pushing paper around fifty years ago. Why does it matter?
- Sam: It was high treason, and it mattered a great deal! This country is an idea, and one that’s lit the world for two centuries and treason against that idea is not just a crime against the living! This ground holds the graves of people who died for it, who gave what Lincoln called the last full measure of devotion, of fidelity.
The Stackhouse Filibuster
- C.J.: If you ever have a free two hours and are so inclined, try standing up without leaning on anything and talking the whole time. You won't make it. I wouldn't make it. Stackhouse wasn't supposed to last 15 minutes. He's 78 years old. He has a head cold. This bill is going to pass. Well, somebody forgot to tell Stackhouse, Dad, cause he just went into hour number eight.
- Leo: You just spent six billion dollars on health care. How do you feel?
- Josh: I'd feel better if it meant just once I could go to a doctor without filling out something on a clipboard.
- Bartlet: C.J., let me tell you something, don't ever, ever underestimate the will of a grandfather. We're madmen, we don't give a damn, we got here before you and they'll be here after. We'll make enemies, we'll break laws, we'll break bones, but you will not mess with the grandchildren.
- Leo: There was quite a bit of sugar in the creme' d'caramel.
- Toby: Mr. Vice President?
- Hoynes: Didn't I do it right?
- Toby: No, sir, you did it very well. I appreciate it.
- Hoynes: Yeah.
- Toby: I'm sure you know I was curious about why you'd volunteer for something like that.
- Hoynes: Yeah.
- Toby: So I got a hold of some private polling you've had done.
- Hoynes: Oh. Yeah?
- Toby: A significant number of people are concerned over your close ties to big oil.
- Hoynes: Well, not anymore.
- Toby: Yeah, but what I was wondering was why did you put the poll in the field at all? Mr. Vice President, what do you know that I don't?
- Hoynes: Toby, the total tonnage of what I know that you don't could stun a team of oxen in its tracks. Good night.
- [all in voiceovers]
- C.J.: There are so many days where you can't imagine anything good will happen.
- Josh: You're buried under a black fog of partisanship and self-promotion and stupidity...
- Sam: ...and a brand of politics that's just plain mean.
- C.J.: Yes, Hoynes had us nervous with his admonishment of big oil and, yes, the president was making us nervous too. But that's for tomorrow. Tonight, I've seen a man with no legs stay standing, Dad, and a guy with no voice keep shouting. And if politics brings out the worst in people, maybe people bring out the best. Because I'm looking at the TV right now, and damn if 28 U.S. senators haven't just walked onto the floor to help.
17 People
- Ainsley: I'm going up to Smith College tomorrow.
- Sam: Why?
- Ainsley: It's my alma mater.
- Sam: Reunion?
- Ainsley: The women's studies department is holding a panel on resurrecting the ERA.
- Sam: Who else is on the panel?
- Ainsley: Rebecca Walker, Gloria Steinem, Ann Coulter, Naomi Wolf...
- Sam: You know, something like 40% of all women oppose the ERA, and in my entire lifetime, I've yet to meet one of them.
- Ainsley: [extending hand] Ainsley Hayes, pleased to meet you.
- Sam: You're not...
- Ainsley: Yes.
- Sam: You're not!
- Ainsley: Yes.
- Sam: You're not, you're not, you're not one of those people!
- Ainsley: Sam, if, by those people, you're referring to Episcopalians...
- Sam: You're going back to Smith College, the cradle of feminism, to argue in opposition of the Equal Rights Amendment?
- Ainsley: And get some decent pizza, yeah.
- Sam: They're gonna hate you.
- Ainsley: I'm a straight Republican from North Carolina. You don't think they hated me the first time around?
- Sam: I flat-out guarantee you that if men were biologically responsible for procreation, there'd be paid family leave in every Fortune 500.
- Ainsley: Sam, if men were biologically responsible for procreation, they'd fall down and die at the first sonogram.
- Sam: So guys, when I was downstairs I made a decision: I'm going to register with the Republican Party. And I'll tell you why, if you're curious. It's because they're a freedom-loving people.
- Ainsley: We also like beef.
- Sam: You know, you insist that government is depraved for not legislating against what we can see on the newsstands, or what we can see in an art exhibit, or what we can burn in protest, or which sex we're allowed to have sex with, or a woman's right to choose. But don't you dare try to regulate this deadly weapon I have concealed on me, for that would encroach against my freedom.
- Ainsley: Yeah, and Democrats believe in free speech as long as it isn't prayer while you're standing in school. You believe in the Freedom of Information Act, except if you want to find out if your 14-year-old daughter has had an abortion.
- Sam: We believe in the ERA.
- Ainsley: Well, go get them.
- Sam: How can you have an objection...
- Ainsley: Because it's humiliating! A new amendment we vote on declaring that I'm equal under the law to a man? I am mortified to discover there's reason to believe I wasn't before. I am a citizen of this country. I am not a special subset in need of your protection. I do not have to have my rights handed down to me by a bunch of old, white men. The same Article 14 that protects you, protects me and I went to law school just to make sure. And with that, I'm going back down to the mess, because I thought I may have seen there a peach.
- Sam: [to Ed and Larry]: I would have countered that, but I already moved on to other things in my head.
- Bartlet: Toby's concerned that the peaceful solution I brokered in Kashmir last year was the result of a drug-induced haze.
- Leo: I was there with him. So was Fitz. So was Cashman, Hutchinson, Berryhill...
- Toby: Well, that's fantastic.
- Leo: Toby.
- Toby: None of you were elected!
- Bartlet: I was elected, they were appointed. The Vice President was elected. He has the constitutional authority to assume my--
- Toby: Not last May, he didn't. Last May, when you were under general anesthesia.
- Bartlet: That's because I never signed the letter, but I don't think I got shot because I got MS!
- Toby: No, I don't think you did either, sir. I meant that during a night of extreme chaos and fear when we didn't yet know if we'd been the victims of domestic or foreign terrorism, or even an act of war, there was uncertainty as to who was giving the national security orders and it was because you never signed the letter. So I'm led to wonder, given your condition and its lack of predictability, why there isn’t simply a signed letter sitting in a file someplace. And the answer, of course, is that [chuckles] if there was a–a signed letter sitting in a file someplace, somebody would ask why. The Commander in Chief had just been attacked, he was under a general anesthetic, a fugitive was at large, the manhunt included every federal state and local law enforcement agency. The Virginia, Maryland, New Jersey, Pennsylvania and Delaware National Guard units were federalized. The KH-10s showed Republican Guard movement in southern Iraq. And twelve hours earlier, an F-117 was shot down in the no-fly, and the Vice President's authority was murky at best! The National Security Advisor and the Secretary of State didn't know who they were taking their orders from. I wasn't in the Situation Room that night, but I'll bet all the money in my pockets against all the money in your pockets that it was Leo. Who no one elected! For ninety minutes that night, there was a coup d'état in this country.
- Bartlet: [sarcastically] And the walls came tumbling down. I feel fine, by the way, thanks for asking. [interjecting as Leo tries to speak up] No, Leo, Toby's concern for my health is moving me in ways...
- Toby: Mr. President --
- Bartlet: [suddenly infuriated, throws a stack of papers against his desk] SHUT UP! [circles around his desk, staring Toby in the face] You know, your indignation would be a lot more interesting to me if it weren't quite so covered in crap!
- Charlie: [poking his head in] Sir...
- Bartlet: [sharply] Yeah?
- Charlie: Mr. Gareth.
- Bartlet: Thanks. [glares back at Toby] Are you pissed because I didn't say anything, or are you pissed because there are fifteen people who knew before you did? I feel fine, by the way, thanks for asking.
- Donna: When I came back, you remember I had a bandage on my ankle?
- Josh: Yeah.
- Donna: I told you I slipped on the ice on the front walk?
- Josh: Yeah. You know why? 'Cause you didn't put down the kitty litter.
- Donna: I was actually in a car accident.
- Josh: You were in a car accident?
- Donna: It was...
- Josh: Seriously, you were in an accident?
- Donna: It was no big deal.
- Josh: You told me it was a late thaw.
- Donna: [smiles] Yes. I did. Anyway, they took me to the hospital and I called him and he came to get me and on the way he stopped and met some friends of his for a beer.
- Josh: [incredulously] He stopped on the way to the hospital for a beer?
- Donna: Yes. And that's why I left him. Which was the point of my telling you this. I left him. So stop remembering that. What I remember is that you took me back when you had absolutely no reason to trust me again, and you didn't make fun of me or him, and you had every reason to.
- Josh: Donna...
- Donna: You're gonna make fun of him now, aren't you?
- Josh: No.
- Donna: 'Cause that's why I didn't tell you in the first place.
- Josh: I'm not gonna make fun of him.
- Donna: Good.
- Josh: But just what kind of a dumbkes were you...
- Donna: He was supposed to meet some of his friends. He stopped on the way to tell them that he couldn't.
- Josh: And had a beer?
- Donna: Does this make you feel superior?
- [Josh looks away and starts to say something, but doesn't.]
- Donna: Yes, you are better than my old boyfriend.
- [Josh stands up and walks toward the door, but stops in the doorway.]
- Josh: I'm just sayin', if you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for a beer.
- Donna: [stands up] If you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for red lights. Thanks for taking me back. [walks out of his office] Oh, and the flowers are beautiful.
Bad Moon Rising
- Leo: You're scared of Babish.
- Bartlet: Oh, like you're not.
- Leo: No, because we are both men of Chicago.
- Bartlet: What is it with people from Chicago that they're so happy to have been born there? I meet so many people who can't wait to tell me they're from Chicago and when I meet them, they're living anywhere but Chicago.
- Leo: You wouldn't understand.
- Bartlet: He looks down his nose at me 'cause I'm not a lawyer.
- Leo: Yes.
- Bartlet: I didn't go to law school. I got a PhD in economics instead.
- Leo: Your parents were very proud.
- Bartlet: Yeah, and all that happened was I won a Nobel Prize and got elected President so I guess that decision didn't really pay off.
- Leo: Yeah.
- Bartlet: Should I run back and get my Nobel Prize?
- Leo: I think he knows you've got one.
- Josh: You got a phone call while you were in there.
- Donna: From who?
- Josh: Europe, in 1939.
- Donna: Yeah?
- Josh: Yeah, I jotted it down. Apparently, they're at war, but we'd taken a firm stand as an isolationist nation and refused to get involved. Our resources are ours, and their problems are on the other side of the world, though, they do have problems. Sounds to me from what they said on the phone that France, Austria, and England are getting absolutely pounded by the Germans and with no end in sight. They say that by 1941 they're gonna desperately need our help if they have any chance of survival, but I think they're just being hysterical. This son of a customs agent with the Charlie Chaplin mustache ain't going anywhere, but there's no telling that to Franklin Roosevelt, who's trying to convince his country to get involved. That's why he came up with this.
- Donna: An eighth-grade social studies textbook?
- Josh: Turn to the page I flagged.
- Donna: The Lend-Lease Act.
- Josh: Yeah. Simply put, a loan of arms to Russia and Britain with the understanding that they pay us back when the war was over. And he said this - he said, "If your neighbor's house is on fire, you don't haggle over the price of your garden hose." ... There are too many things in the world we can't do. Mexico's on fire. Why help them? Because we can.
- C.J.: It was a leak. Leaks happen. They've happened since the beginning of time. In this White House, in every White House. There's no malicious intent. Things get out. It's a company town. Everybody talks to everybody, and junior staffers try to impress reporters by showing they're in the know. There is no group of people this large in the world that can keep a secret. I find it comforting. It's how I know for sure that the government isn't covering up aliens in New Mexico.
- Bartlet: We won't discuss this any more for the time being. It'll be public soon enough. And the more conversations you have with me, the more lawyers you're gonna have to talk to, and they bill in an hour what you take home in a week, so we won't discuss it except to say this: you're gonna be subpoenaed. I'm confident in your loyalty to me; I'm confident in your love for me. If you lie to protect me, if you lie just once, if you lie just a little, if you lie 'cause you can't stand what's happening to me and the people making it happen, if you ever, ever lie, you're finished with me. You understand?
- Charlie: Yes, sir.
- Bartlet: Say you understand.
- Charlie: I understand, sir.
- Bartlet: This isn't what you signed up for. Leo begged you to take this job. This isn't what you signed up for. If you leave, I'd appreciate it if you did it now, so it doesn't look like my lawyer bailed on me when the rain starts. No one's gonna hold it against you.
- Babish: Well, I appreciate that, Mr. President. [pause] If I stay, will you do exactly what I tell you to do?
- Bartlet: I guess it depends.
- Babish: I'm afraid it can't depend, sir.
- Bartlet: [pauses and thinks] What would my first step be?
- Babish: First tell your staff.
- Bartlet: Yeah.
- Babish: Then, decide how to make a public announcement.
- Bartlet: Yeah.
- Babish: Then, order the attorney general to appoint a special prosecutor. Not just any special prosecutor, the most blood-spitting, Bartlet-hating Republican in the Bar. He's gonna have an unlimited budget and a staff like an army. The new slogan around here is gonna be "Bring it on!" He's gonna have access to every piece of paper you ever touched. If you invoke executive privilege one time, I'm gone. An assistant D.A in Ducksworth wants to take your deposition, you're on the next plane. A freshman Congressman wants your testimony, you'll sit in his kitchen. They wanna drag you to The Hague and charge you with war crimes, what'll we say?
- Bartlet: Bring it on.
The Fall's Gonna Kill You
- C.J.: You guys are like Butch and Sundance peering over the edge of a cliff to the boulder-filled rapids 300 feet below, thinking you better not jump 'cause there's a chance you might drown. The President has this disease and has been lying about it, and you guys are worried that the polling might make us look bad? It's the fall that's gonna kill ya.
- Josh: I told her we were commissioning a poll to explore attitudes towards subsurface agricultural products.
- Leo: Subsurface agricultural - What the hell?
- Josh: Underground. We think Americans are eating more beets.
- Toby: He calls you and me the Batman and Robin of speech-writing.
- Sam: Well, I don't think he does...
- Toby: He doesn't, but he should, 'cause that's what we are.
- Sam: Okay.
- Toby: We're Batman and Robin!
- Sam: Which one's which?
- Toby: Look at me, Sam. Am I Robin?
- Sam: I'm not Robin.
- Toby: Yes, you are.
- Sam: Okay, well, let's move off this.
- Toby: You bet, little friend.
- Sam: Listen, we're really not Batman and Robin.
- Toby: No, we'll keep those identities secret. I'm Bruce Wayne, and you're my ward...
- Sam: Toby...
- Toby: ...Dick something.
- Donna: A thing the size of a garbage truck is gonna be in a two-thousand-mile-an-hour free fall and no one knows where it's gonna hit!
- Charlie: I'm rooting for Zurich.
- Donna: Charlie?
- Charlie: I've had it up to here with the Swiss.
- Babish: "Are you not able to recognize a standard medical history form when it is put in front of your face?"
- Abbey: I didn't read it! I didn't think it was important!
- Babish: What else have you signed without thinking it was important? Prescriptions?
- Abbey: No!
- Babish: Patient instructions?
- Abbey: No!
- Babish: Oh, so just this?
- Abbey: Oliver, I am not an expert in the diseases of the central nervous system, but I can tell you that MS is not hereditary. The President's condition has absolutely no relevance to Zoey's health status.
- Babish: Well, now you're changing your story, Mrs. Bartlet.
- Abbey: No, I'm not.
- Babish: Did you sign it because you were absent-minded or did you sign it because you knew best?
- Abbey: I signed it 'cause...I just signed it...It was a form...And I think making a big thing out of it is what makes it into a big thing!
- Babish: Really?
- Abbey: And I'm not a hundred percent sure that that's not what you're going for.
- Babish: Why would I want to make it a big thing?
- Abbey: Because defending the President in primetime looks good on a resume.
- Babish: Well, I've got a pretty good-looking resume already, Mrs. Bartlet. And it's not a big thing because I say so, ma'am; it's a big thing. You're gonna get all the questions I just asked you, and quite a few more. And then they're gonna ask the President if he was in the room when you signed it. And that's when he's gonna give everyone's favorite answer from a President who has just announced that he has MS: "I. DON'T. REMEMBER."
18th and Potomac
- Josh: Are you saying that people who start smoking and get addicted to nicotine are too stupid to live?
- Senator Rossitter: No, I'm saying they're too stupid to be protected by the courts.
- Mrs. Landingham: You know I could beat you up anytime I want, sir.
- Bartlet: Secret Service would have you down like a calf at a rodeo.
- ...
- Mrs. Landingham: [on her new car] When you get inside, there's this...
- Bartlet: Smell?
- Mrs. Landingham: How did you know?
- Bartlet: It's the smell of freedom... and the chemicals they treat your dashboard with.
- Babish: Mrs. Bartlet, I want to talk to you about...
- Abbey: [firmly] Dr. Bartlet. [pause] When did I stop being "Dr." Bartlet? When in the campaign did I decide that women were gonna like me more if I called myself "Mrs."? When did I decide that women were that stupid?
- Leo: We're not going to stop, soften, detour, postpone, circumvent, obfuscate or trade a single one of our goals to allow for whatever extracurricular nonsense is coming our way in the next days, weeks and months.
- Toby: When did we decide this?
- Leo: Just now.
- [Charlie is standing behind his desk staring silently at the phone receiver in his hand.]
- Leo: Charlie?
- Charlie: Leo, there was an accident at 18th and Potomac. Mrs. Landingham was driving her car back here.
- Leo: What happened?
- Charlie: There was a drunk driver and they ran the light at 18th and Potomac. They ran it at a high speed.
- Leo: Charlie, is she all right?
- Charlie: No...She's dead.
- [Leo stares at Charlie for several moments, completely stunned.]
- Leo: [a bit hoarse] Is he alone?
- Charlie: Yeah.
- [Leo enters the Oval Office to tell the president]
Two Cathedrals
- [Flashback]
- Young Bartlet: Why do you talk to me like this?
- Mrs. Landingham: You've never had a big sister and you need one. Look at you. You're a Boy King. You're a foot smarter than the smartest kid in the class. You're blessed with inspiration. You must know this by now. You must have sensed it. Look, if you think we're wrong... if you think Mr. Hopkins should honestly get paid more than Mrs. Chadwick, then I respect that. But if you think we're right and you won't speak up because you can't be bothered, then God, Jed, I don't even want to know you.
- Bartlet: [standing in the National Cathedral, walking towards the altar and talking to God about Mrs. Landingham] You're a son-of-a-bitch, You know that? She bought her first new car and You hit her with a drunk driver. What, was that supposed to be funny? "You can't conceive, nor can I, the appalling strangeness of the mercy of God," says Graham Greene. I don't know whose ass he was kissing there 'cause I think You're just vindictive. What was Josh Lyman? A warning shot? That was my son. What did I ever do to Yours except praise His glory and praise His name? There's a tropical storm that's gaining speed and power. They say we haven't had a storm this bad since You took out that tender ship of mine in the north Atlantic last year, 68 crew. Do You know what a tender ship does? Fixes the other ships. Doesn't even carry guns, just goes around, fixes the other ships and delivers the mail, that's all it can do. Gratias Tibi ago, domine (I give thanks to You, O Lord). Yes, I lied. It was a sin. I've committed many sins. Have I displeased You, You feckless thug? Three point eight million new jobs, that wasn't good? Bailed out Mexico, increased foreign trade, 30 million new acres of land for conservation, put Mendoza on the bench, we're not fighting a war, I've raised three children... that's not enough to buy me out of the doghouse? Haec credam a deo pio? A deo iusto? A deo scito? Cruciatus in crucem! Tuus in terra servus nuntius fui officium perfeci. Cruciatus in crucem. Eas in crucem! (Am I to believe those were the acts of a loving God? A just God? A wise God? To hell with Your punishments! I was Your servant on Earth - I spread Your word and did Your work. To hell with your punishments! To hell with You!) [walks away from the altar, lights a cigarette, takes one puff, throws it to the ground, puts it out with his foot and proceeds to leave] You get Hoynes!
- C.J.: We'll call them Answer A and Answer B.
- Josh: Yeah.
- C.J. Mr. President does this mean you won't be seeking a second term? Answer A is 'You bet. I will absolutely be seeking a second term. I'm looking forward to the campaign. There is great work that is yet to be done.'
- Josh: Yes.
- C.J.: Answer B...
- Josh: 'Are you out of your mind? I can't possibly win re-election. I lied about a degenerative illness. I'm the target of a Grand Jury investigation and Congress is about to take me out to lunch. I'd sooner have my family take their clothes off and dance the Tarantella on the Truman Balcony than go through a campaign with this around my neck.' [pause] You think that's too on the nose?
- C.J.: I do.
- [Bartlet stands alone in the Oval Office, in the middle of a raging storm. The back door suddenly flies open]
- Bartlet: God damn it...Mrs. Landingham!
- [Mrs. Landingham suddenly walks through the main door of the Oval Office]
- Mrs. Landingham: I really wish you wouldn't shout, Mr. President.
- [Bartlet stares at her for a few seconds]
- Bartlet: The door keeps blowin' open.
- Mrs. Landingham: Yes, but there's an intercom and you could use it to call me at my desk.
- Bartlet: I was-
- Mrs. Landingham: You don't know how to use the intercom.
- Bartlet: It's not that I don't know how to use it. It's just that I haven't learned yet.
- [Pause. Mrs. Landingham smiles at him]
- Bartlet: I have MS, and I didn't tell anybody.
- Mrs. Landingham: Yeah. So, you're having a little bit of a day.
- Bartlet: You're gonna make jokes?
- Mrs. Landingham: God doesn't make cars crash and you know it. Stop using me as an excuse.
- Bartlet: [nods] The Party's not going to want me to run.
- Mrs. Landingham: The Party'll come back. You'll get them back.
- Bartlet: I've got a secret for you, Mrs. Landingham, I've never been the most popular guy in the Democratic Party.
- Mrs. Landingham: I've got a secret for you, Mr. President. Your father was a prick who could never get over the fact that he wasn't as smart as his brothers. Are you in a tough spot? Yes. Do I feel sorry for you? I do not. Why? Because there are people way worse off than you.
- Bartlet: [nods] Give me numbers.
- Mrs. Landingham: I don't know numbers. You give them to me.
- Bartlet: How about a child born in this minute has a one in five chances of being born into poverty?
- Mrs. Landingham: How many Americans don't have health insurance?
- Bartlet: 44 million.
- Mrs. Landingham: What's the number one cause of death for black men under 35?
- Bartlet: Homicide.
- Mrs. Landingham: How many Americans are behind bars?
- Bartlet: Three million.
- Mrs. Landingham: How many Americans are drug addicts?
- Bartlet: Five million.
- Mrs. Landingham: And one in five kids in poverty?
- Bartlet: That's thirteen million American children. Three and a half million kids go to schools that are literally falling apart. We need 127 billion in school construction, and we need it today!
- Mrs. Landingham: To say nothing of 53 people trapped in an embassy.
- Bartlet: Yes.
- Mrs. Landingham: You know, if you don't want to run again, I respect that. [stands up] But if you don't run 'cause you think it's gonna be too hard or you think you're gonna lose - well, God, Jed, I don't even want to know you.
- Sandy: Mr. President, can you tell us right now if you'll be seeking a second term?
- Bartlet: I'm sorry, Sandy, there was a bit of noise there, could you repeat the question?
- Sandy: Can you tell us right now if you'll be seeking a second term?
- [pause]
- Leo: Watch this...
- [Bartlet slides his hands off the podium, puts them in his pockets, looks away and smiles]
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Isaac and Ishmael
- Josh: What's Islamic extremism? It's strict adherence to a particular interpretation of 7th century Islamic law as practiced by the prophet Mohammed, and when I say "strict adherence," I'm not kidding around. Men are forced to pray, wear their beards a certain length. Among my favorites is there's only one acceptable cheer at a soccer match: 'Allah-hu-Akbar.' "God is great." If your guys are getting creamed, then you're on your own. Things are a lot less comic for women, who aren't allowed to attend school or have jobs. They're not allowed to be unaccompanied, and oftentimes get publicly stoned to death for crimes like not wearing a veil. I don't have to tell you they don't need to shout at a soccer match because they're never going to go to one. So what bothers them about us? Well, the variety of cheers alone coming from the cheap seats at Giants stadium when they're playing the Cowboys is enough for a jihad, to say nothing of street corners lined church next to synagogue, next to mosque, newspapers that can print anything they want, women who can do anything they want including taking a rocket ship to outer space, vote, and play soccer. This is a plural society. That means we accept more than one idea. It offends them... You want to get these people? I mean, you really want to reach in and kill them where they live? Keep accepting more than one idea. It makes them absolutely crazy.
- Toby: When you think of Afghanistan, think of Poland. When you think of the Taliban, think of the Nazis. When you think of the citizens of Afghanistan, think of the Jews in concentration camps. A friend of my dad's was at one of the camps. He used to come over to the house, and he and my dad used to shoot some pinochle. He said he once saw a guy at the camp kneeling and praying. He said, "What are you doing?" The guy said he was thanking God. And my dad's friend said, "What could you possibly be thanking God for?" He said, "I'm thanking God for not making me like them." Bad people can't be recognized on sight. There's no point in trying.
- Bartlet: A martyr would rather suffer death at the hands of an oppressor than renounce his beliefs. Killing yourself and innocent people to make a point is sick, twisted, brutal, dumb-ass murder. And let me leave you with this thought before I go searching for the apples that were rightfully mine: we don't need martyrs right now. We need heroes. A hero would die for his country but he'd much rather live for it.
- Student: What do you call a society that has to just live every day with the idea that the pizza place you are eating in could just blow up without any warning?
- Sam: Israel.
- Josh: But listen, don't worry about all this right now. We got you covered. Worry about school. Worry about what you'll tell your parents when you break curfew. You're gonna meet guys. You're gonna meet girls. Not so much you, Fred. Learn things, be good to each other. Read the newspapers, go to the movies, go to a party, read a book. In the meantime, remember pluralism. You want to get these people? I mean, you really want to go in and kill them where they live? Keep accepting more than one idea. Makes them absolutely crazy.
Manchester, Part I
- Sandy: Can you tell us right now if you'll be seeking a second term?
- Bartlet: Yeah. And I'm gonna win.
- Reporter: Was he physically and emotionally prepared to make a life and death decision after what he'd just been through?
- C.J.: He'd been through a TV interview and a press conference. The President finds you all annoying but not prohibitively debilitating.
- Charlie: Aren't you supposed to be writing?
- Toby: I am writing.
- Charlie: I don't see paper.
- Toby: 'We can sit back and admit with great sensitivity that life isn't fair... and the less-advantaged are destined to their lot in life... and the problems of those on the other side of the world should stay there... and our leaders are cynical and can never be an instrument of change... but that, my friends, is not worthy of you; it's not worthy of a President; it's not worthy of a great nation; it's not worthy of America.' Paper's for wimps.
- Babish: Today, the President is going to direct the Attorney General to appoint a Special Prosecutor.
- Charlie: Yes.
- Babish: Now, you know what that means, right?
- Charlie: Yeah.
- Babish: Okay, so you'll need a lawyer.
- Charlie: Actually, Mr. Babish, I don't think I need one.
- Babish: You do.
- Charlie: I think I'll be fine.
- Babish: Really?
- Charlie: Yeah.
- Babish: He's going to ask you about everything you'd seen and heard since you started working at the White House.
- Charlie: I can answer those questions truthfully.
- Babish: Then he's going to call you back a month later and ask you the exact same questions. If your answers change even a little bit, he'll prosecute you for perjury.
- Charlie: Mr. Babish...
- Babish: Oliver's fine. Are you prepared to describe every conversation you've ever had with the President? Whether he asked you for an aspirin? Whether his hands quivered? Are you prepared to answer questions about your relationship with his youngest daughter? This is NFL football.
- Charlie: When is this all going to happen?
- Babish: I don't know.
- Charlie: How can you not know?
- Babish: Because grand jury investigations are secret.
- Charlie: So they can just knock on my door one morning?
- Babish: They will knock on your door one morning.
- Charlie: How much? You know, how much do you think...
- Babish: Assuming you did nothing wrong, saw nothing wrong and heard nothing wrong - about a hundred thousand dollars.
- Toby: It's a typical marriage, I've been there.
- Charlie: Well, I haven't, but he's the President of the United States, so my guess is no, it's probably not a typical marriage.
Manchester, Part II
- Bartlet: It occurs to me, I never said I'm sorry. I am. For the lawyers, for the press, for the mess, for the fear. Bruno, Doug, Connie -- these guys are good. They want to win. So do we. The only thing we want more is to be right. I wonder if you can't do both. There's a new book... and we're going to write it. You can win, if you run a smart disciplined campaign. If you studiously say nothing, nothing that causes you trouble, nothing that's a gaff. Nothing that shows that you might think the wrong thing, nothing that shows you think. But it just isn't worthy of us, is it Toby? It isn't worth of us, it isn't worthy of America, and it isn't worthy of a great nation. We're going to write a new book, right here, right now. Today.
- Bruno: I've been thinking it might not be such a bad idea to lock you all in here and set the place on fire. We have 48 hours before we kick off this campaign. We will work hard, we will work well, and we will work together. Or so help me, mother of God, I will stick a pitchfork so far up your asses you will quite simply be dead.
- Connie: I was trying to find a Starbucks. A guy in a gas station said, "Round here, people don't pay four bucks for a cup of coffee."
- Sam: New Hampshire. Live free or cheap.
- Bruno: You were the one who sent them the press releases, right?
- Josh: What press releases?
- Bruno: Subcommittee. About tobacco.
- Josh: Yes, I was.
- Bruno: Well, that was stupid.
- Josh: You think?
- Bruno: No, I know.
- Josh: I got two years as legislative director in the House, two years as floor director in the Senate, and thirty months as Deputy Chief of Staff. What do you got?
- Bruno: Josh...
- Josh: Kalmbach's a fat-ass Rotarian gasbag. I knew once I sent the thing he'd raise the profile and give us the press we needed.
- Bruno: Kalmbach is vulnerable in his home state. He's got an influx of tech and other clean industries along his Route Nine corridor, along with the suburban voters that go with it - affluent parents who don't want their kids smoking.
- Josh: We got the money, Bruno.
- Bruno: You don't want the money. You want the issue. You should have waited until the fall when the bell rings and then we hammer them with it. Then Kalmbach, Leder, Ross, Roark, Steve - whoever gets the nomination - has it hanging around their necks they're nicotine pushers. [beat] Plus, you get the money. [long pause] The sooner you get I know what I'm talking about, and I'm on your side, the sooner your world gets better. Of course, you got the money. I'm amazed they didn't send it to you with candy and a stripper. Pennsylvania. Michigan. Ohio. Three swing states you could have brought over with that. That's an election.
- Bartlet: Did you know that hardly any of the guys who landed on the moon are married to the same people they were married to before they went there?
- Abbey: What?
- Bartlet: I'm just saying, it could have been worse: I could have been an astronaut.
- Abbey: You could not have been an astronaut.
- Bartlet: I would have been a great astronaut.
- Abbey: You're afraid of heights, speed, fire, and small enclosed spaces.
- Bartlet: I'd have overcome it to go to the moon.
- Abbey: I know you would have. [pause] There's something important I have to say. I haven't really made up my mind yet, but at the moment, I'm leaning towards voting for you.
Ways and Means
- Donna: I grew up on a farm.
- Josh: You grew up in a condo.
- Donna: I grew up near a farm. And I was cute and I was peppy. And I always did well on my 19th Century English Literature midterm until you came along and sucked me into your life of crime!
- Josh: Hey, I'm not the-
- Donna: White collar crime boy! You know what they do to a girl like me on the cell block? I've seen those movies.
- Josh: Yeah, me too.
- Donna: I bet you have.
- Josh: Look-
- Donna: Sell my farm girl ass for a carton of Luckys.
- Babish: A subpoena is just a legal agreement to produce certain testimony and documents.
- C.J.: Yeah, but isn't that like the way a mugger uses a gun to produce your wallet?
- Ainsley: What do you need?
- C.J.: I want you to get together with one of your friends in the press room from a conservative paper.
- Ainsley: You really think we have a secret handshake, don't you?
- C.J.: Do you?
- Ainsley: Yes.
- Donna: Why are you a Republican?
- Cliff: Because I hate poor people. I hate them, Donna. They're all so poor, and many of 'em talk funny, and don't have proper table manners... my father slaved away at the Fortune 500 company he inherited so that I could go to Choate, Brown and Harvard and see that this country isn't overrun by poor people and lesbians. No... I'm Republican because I believe in smaller government. This country was founded on the principle of freedom, and freedom stands opposed to constraints, and the bigger the government, the more the constraints.
- Donna: Wow.
- Cliff: You agree with that?
- Donna: No, it's crap but you're really cute.
- Leo: What have you got?
- C.J.: Nothing. And you know why?
- Leo: Rollins likes us.
- C.J.: I don't know if he likes us, but he doesn't hate us.
- Leo: Well, that's just because he doesn't know us.
- C.J.: Leo, we need to be investigated by someone who wants to kill us just to watch us die. We need someone perceived by the American people to be irresponsible, untrustworthy, partisan, ambitious, and thirsty for the limelight. Am I crazy, or is this not a job for the U.S. House of Representatives?
On the Day Before
- Bartlet: You know what we're starting with tonight?
- Josh: No, sir.
- Bartlet: Hot pumpkin soup with cheese gnocchi and a chèvre brioche.
- Josh: Was anything you just said food?
- Bartlet: They're going to miss hot pumpkin soup with a cheese gnocchi and a chèvre brioche.
- Leo: Yeah.
- Bartlet: That's a pretty big price to pay just to override my veto.
- Sam: You know that there's an emergency meeting of the Republican Leadership?
- Leo: Yeah.
- Bartlet: I say they could've waited until after the entree.
- Josh: Maybe they didn't know about the chevre brioche.
- Sam: Does anyone want to consider waiting?
- Toby: No.
- Sam: The Constitution gives them ten days.
- Toby: I'm familiar with it.
- Sam: So why don't we...?
- Toby: 'Cause if it's a show of strength and resolve, you don't wait to think about it.
- Sam: And if they override the veto, it's neither strong nor resolute.
- Toby: They don't have the votes to override.
- Sam: Says you.
- Toby: Says me, Josh, the Office of Political Liaison, Legislative Liaison and the Minority Whip.
- Bartlet: Sometimes it's like I don't even need to be here.
- Donna: Sam needs more time.
- Josh: All right. Tell him to have a Democrat call for a journal vote. If a member calls for a journal vote, the full House has to approve the previous day's floor activity.
- Donna: [scribbling on a notepad] Okay.
- Josh: After that, he can have a member try to attach an amendment to the override vote.
- Donna: What kind of amendment?
- Josh: Doesn't matter. "To qualify for the estate tax repeal, the estates have to have Astroturf."
- Donna: And still it's hard to figure why Congress can't get anything done.
- Sherri: [after C.J. embarrassed her in the press room] That was totally uncalled for.
- [C.J. keeps walking.]
- C.J.: Yeah?
- Sherri: My competitors are gonna show that tape. Every local station in town...
- C.J.: [stops walking] What? Are you crazy? That thing's going out to 154 affiliates!
- Sherri: Look...
- C.J.: I changed my clothes because I didn't think it was appropriate to talk about two dead teenagers while wearing a ball gown and you know that because you're stupid but you're not stupid, you know what I'm saying? Security's gonna take your press credentials, you'll call my office every day, and I'll decide if you get into the room. I'm taking your spot on Pebble Beach, you can do your stand-ups from Lafayette Park.
- Sherri: Who the hell do you-
- C.J.: One more word out of your mouth and every local station but yours gets an exclusive with the President. Hunting season on me is over. [Sherri exits] And the chemical formula for table salt is NaCl!
War Crimes
- Bartlet: Words when spoken out loud for the sake of performance are music. They have rhythm and pitch and timbre and volume. These are the properties of music and music has the ability to find us and move us and lift us up in ways that literal meaning can't.
- Abbey: You are an oratorical snob.
- Bartlet: Yes, and God loves me for it.
- Abbey: You said he was sending you to hell.
- Bartlet: For other stuff, not for this. You can't just trod out Ephesians, which he blew, by the way, it has nothing with husbands and wives, it's all of us. Saint Paul begins the passage: "Be subject to one another out of reverence to Christ." [passionately] "Be subject to one another." In this day and age of 24-hour cable crap, devoted to feeding the voyeuristic gluttony of the American public, hooked on a bad soap opera that's passing itself off as important, don't you think you might be able to find some relevance in verse 21? How do you end the cycle? Be subject to one another!
- Abbey: So... This is about you.
- Bartlet: No, it's not about me! Well, yes, it is about me, but tomorrow it'll be about somebody else. We'll watch Larry King and see who. [shouts] All hacks, off the stage! Right now! That's a national security order.
- Gen. Adamle: Sultan Bin Abu Azir ain't what he used to be. Last time I was in Kuwait he gave me a gold-inlaid Gadara sword originating from the Bin Hamar tribe.
- Leo: What'd you get this time?
- Gen. Adamle: Nothing.
- Leo: Wanna go down to the Situation Room, blow 'em off the face of the earth?
- Sam: This country is populated with unbalanced people, many of whom find their way to Washington, as if the continent funnels them into this one spot.
- Hoynes: Twenty-nine states have "shall issue" laws.
- Bartlet: And if you look at the state of New Jersey, which has a "may issue" law-if you look at changing that one word...
- Hoynes: Look, I'm not saying...
- Bartlet: Changing that one word means law enforcement can decide who gets a concealed weapon and when and where they can carry it. Texas has a "may issue" law in front of a legislature right now, and you going down there...
- Hoynes: Me going down there is suicide, sir, and you know it.
- Bartlet: It's counter-scheduling. You go in front of an unfriendly audience. You tell them something they don't want to hear-it shows you have courage.
- Hoynes: So the editor of the New York Times will think I have courage, while the people who decide elections...
- Bartlet: You're a hero in Texas!
- Hoynes: I was a hero in Texas.
- Bartlet: Texans don't like that you have the courage of your convictions?
- Hoynes: They're not my convictions, they're yours.
- Bartlet: Oh, yeah, I forgot.
- Hoynes: Forty percent of Americans have a gun in their home.
- Bartlet: Only 16% believe gun ownership is an absolute right. Only 9% believe it's an absolute wrong. There's a middle. We can win them!
- Hoynes: [testily] Not when we're running the MS defense, Mr. President!
- Bartlet: Which we wouldn't have been doing if...
- Hoynes: If what, sir?
- Bartlet: Nothing.
- [Hoynes stands]
- Bartlet: You outed me, John. With that trip to Nashua, with the oil companies. You wanted people to start asking questions.
- Hoynes: I needed to start running because nobody told me I wasn't! And you announced it! And I found out on television!
- Bartlet: [yelling] So did my wife.
- Hoynes: [yelling] This whole thing was mismanaged, sir!
- Bartlet: Look...
- Hoynes: [yelling] It was blown!
- Bartlet: Yes, it was.
- Hoynes: Yes, it was!
- [They glare at each other for several long moments.]
- Bartlet: It's not easy being my Vice President, is it?
- Hoynes: [sighs] No, sir.
- Bartlet: I wouldn't think so. But it's the only way you're gonna get the nomination. You know that, right? If I win.
- Hoynes: Yeah. And the only way you're gonna win is if I'm on the ticket. You know that, don't you, sir?
- Bartlet: Yeah.
- [Hoynes starts to leave.]
- Bartlet: You'll go to Texas?
- Hoynes: [nods] I want a seat at the table.
- Bartlet: Yeah.
Gone Quiet
- Leo: We've got to meet with Albie.
- Bartlet He's going to scold me. He's been at the State Department since Truman. He thinks I'm a kid and that he outranks me.
- Leo: You'll be fine.
- Bartlet: I've got to tell him I lost a submarine. Can I make something up like say 'what if a friend of mine hypothetically...'
- Leo: We'll meet with him as soon as he can get here.
- Bartlet: Bring a copy of the constitution. I'm gonna show him I'm not scared.
- Abbey: I was hiking, Oliver. I was hiking. Are you really that much an enemy of nature?
- Babish: Nature is to be protected from. Nature, like a woman, will seduce you with its sights…and its scents and its touch…and then it breaks your ankle, also like a woman.
- Abbey: What the hell kind of dates are you going on, Oliver?
- Babish: I hear ya.
- C.J.: The Majority Leader got the question last night.
- Josh: Yeah. And he just kept on diggin'. [quoting] 'We have the greatest technology of any people, of any country in the world, along with the greatest - not the greatest, but very serious problems confronting our people. And I want to be President in order to focus on these problems in a way that uses the energy of our people to move us forward, basically.'
- C.J.: Yes!
- Josh: It's the 'basically' that makes it art.
- Babish: You broke some laws, Abbey, and quite frankly you should be ashamed of yourself, but this investigation isn't about that.
- Abbey: Look–
- Babish: It's about the criminalization of politics. An attempt to do in the hearing room what they couldn't do at the ballot box.
- Abbey: I understand, but we don't have the luxury...
- Babish: Abbey, stop eating fruits, stop eating vegetables, it's doing something bad to you. Fruits and vegetables will seduce you, like a woman, with their...
- Abbey: Oliver!
- Babish: Truth isn't a luxury. You're going to go in there, you're going to swear an oath, you're going to get asked questions, and you're going to tell the truth. It's the way you stand up and say 'Stop!'
- Abbey: You should be careful, Oliver. You keep talking like a person, they're going to kick you out of the bar.
- Babish: I've been kicked out of bars before.
- Abbey: I meant–
- Babish: I know what you meant.
- Sam: Why are you so bent on countering these idiot leaflets?
- Bruno: Because I am tired of working for candidates who make me think I should be embarrassed to believe what I believe, Sam. I'm tired of getting them elected. You all need some therapy, because somebody came along and said liberal means soft on crime, soft on drugs, soft on communism, soft on defense, and we're going to tax you back to the stone age, because people shouldn't have to go to work if they don't want to. And instead of saying 'Well, excuse me, you right-wing, reactionary, xenophobic, homophobic, anti-education, anti-choice, pro-gun, Leave it to Beaver trip back to the fifties,' we cowered in the corner. And said 'Please don't hurt me.' No more. I really don't care who's right, who's wrong. We're both right. We're both wrong. Let's have two parties, huh, what do you say?
- Toby: I agree.
- Sam: Toby...
- Toby: So let's stick to the spirit of the law.
- Sam: The spirit of the law means no soft money.
- Toby: No, I'm saying let's do an issue ad, an actual issue ad. Let's do a bunch. Health care, equal opportunity--
- Connie: School construction.
- Toby: School construction. Does anyone think that raising awareness of crumbling schools won't help us?
- Sam: There's actually a reasonable point here. New polls see Republicans as better on education with no basis for it.
- Bruno: And the ad could spark a debate on the issue, which would help.
- Sam: And we take a parallel path on our free media.
- Connie: Across America, our schools are crumbling, holes in the walls, kids packed into trailers like sardines in a can. Half of America's schools are in disrepair.
- Toby: And when schools fall down, so do test scores.
- Bruno: This isn't bad, I like this.
- Sam: Yes.
- Bruno: Why am I nervous?
- Sam: It's not amoral.
- Bruno: [laughs] Yeah.
The Indians in the Lobby
- Bartlet: Were we talking about something?
- C.J.: I don't know sir, when I came in here – back in the late 50s – there was a purpose to it but then one thing led to another and I blacked out. I mean, I can hang in there with the best of them, sir, but somewhere during the conversation about anise and coriander and the other fifteen spices you like to use to baste a turkey I simply lost consciousness.
- Bartlet: You know that line you're not supposed to cross with the President?
- C.J.: I'm coming up to it?
- Bartlet: No, no, look behind you.
- Bruno: [to Bartlet] I have difficulty sometimes talking to people who don't race sailboats. When I was a teenager, I crewed Larchmont to Nassau on a 58-foot sloop called Cantice. There was a little piece of kelp that was stuck to the hull, and even though it was little, you don't want anything stuck to the hull. So, I take a boat hook on a pole and I stick it in the water and I try to get the kelp off, when seven guys start screaming at me, right? 'Cause now the pole is causing more drag than the kelp was. See, what you gotta do is you gotta drop it in and let the water lift it out in a windmill motion. Drop it in, and let the water take it by the kelp and lift it out. In, and out. In, and out, till you got it. The voters aren't choosing a plumber, Mr. President. They are choosing a president. And if you don't think that your family should matter, my suggestion to you is to get out of professional politics. And if you think that I'm going to miss even one opportunity to pick up half-a-knot boat speed, you're absolutely out of your mind. When it costs us nothing, when we give up nothing?! You're out of your mind.
- Operator: Hello, welcome to the Butterball Hotline.
- Toby: What the hell is...
- Bartlet: Shhhh. Hello!!
- Operator: How can I help you, sir?
- Bartlet: Well, first let me say, I think this is a wonderful service you provide.
- Operator: Well, thank you. May I have your name please?
- Bartlet: I'm a citizen.
- Operator: I'm sure you are, sir, but if I have your name I can put your comments in our customer feedback form.
- Bartlet: I'm Joe Betherson...ton. That's one 't', and with an 'h' in there.
- Operator: And your address?
- Bartlet: Fargo.
- Operator: Your street address, please?
- Toby: [picks up another phone, into it] Zip code, Fargo, North Dakota, right now. [hangs up]
- Bartlet: My street address is 114... 54 Pruder Street, and it's very important that you put 'street' down there because sometimes it gets confused with Pruder Way and Pruder Lane. Apartment 23 R... Fargo, North Dakota... [Charlie walks in with a piece of paper, Bartlet grabs it.] Zip code 50504.
- Operator: Thank you. Your voice sounds very familiar to me.
- Bartlet: I do radio commercials for... products.
- Operator: And how can I help you?
- Bartlet: [sits down] Stuffing should be stuffed inside the turkey, am I correct?
- Operator: It can also be baked in a casserole dish.
- Bartlet: Well, then we'd have to call it something else, wouldn't we? [Toby sits down and puts his hand under his chin.]
- Operator: I suppose.
- Bartlet: If I cook it inside the turkey, is there a chance I could kill my guests? I'm not saying that's necessarily a deal-breaker.
- Operator: Well, there are some concerns. Two main bacterial problems are Salmonella and Campylobacter jejuni.
- Bartlet: All right. Well, first of all, I think you made the second bacteria up, and second of all, how do I avoid it?
- Operator: Make sure all the ingredients are cooked first. Sauté any vegetables, fried sausage, oysters, etc.
- Bartlet: Excellent! Let's talk temperature.
- Operator: One hundred and sixty-five degrees.
- Bartlet: No, see, I was testing you! The USDA calls for turkeys to be cooked to an internal temperature of 180 to 185 degrees.
- Operator: Yes, sir, I was talking about the stuffing which you want to cook to 165 to avoid health risks.
- Bartlet: Okay. Good testing!
- Operator: Do you have an accurate thermometer?
- Bartlet: Oh yeah. It was presented to me as a gift from the personal sous chef to the king of... [Toby raises his hand and Bartlet catches himself] auto sales in...
- Toby: [whispering] Fargo.
- Bartlet: Fargo. Phil Baharnd. The man can sell a car like... well, like anything.
- Operator: Very good, sir. You have a good Thanksgiving!
- Bartlet: And you do, too. Thanks a lot! [hangs up the phone] That was excellent! We should do that once a week.
- Note: The actual residential ZIP codes for Fargo range from 58102 to 58106. The zip code given, 50504, is not a valid USPS ZIP code
- Abbey: They came to me. They said, "What do you think about having Thanksgiving at Camp David instead of New Hampshire?" They told me why, I said fine.
- Bartlet: And what part are you leaving out now?
- Abbey: The part where I lied to you.
- Bartlet: Yes!
- Abbey: Yes! I do that sometimes. Sometimes I don't wanna go fifteen rounds on Bess Truman and what constitutes a farm. On your behalf, I have responded to polling information
telling me what I should wear, and what I should say, to say nothing of the fact that I have been subpoenaed to answer questions before Congress on how I secretly kept you alive. So explain to me now how what I did was out of line.
- Bartlet: You know what? It was.
- Abbey: [pause] I know.
- Bartlet: Well, with the ingredients for stuffing you have to cook them before you put them in the turkey, and you're not going to know whether I did or not.
- Abbey: I'll do what I always do with anything you cook. I'll wait for the girls to eat it first.
- Bartlet: Me, too.
- C.J.: [about Native American rights] How do you keep fighting these smaller injustices when they're all from the Mother of Injustices?
- Maggie: What's the alternative?
The Women of Qumar
- Leo: A national seat-belt law is never gonna happen.
- Sam: Why?
- Leo: What's the most important state in the primaries?
- Sam: New Hampshire.
- Leo: What's the most important state in the general?
- Sam: Michigan.
- Leo: What's the only state without a mandatory seat-belt law?
- Sam: New Hampshire.
- Leo: And where do they make the cars?
- Sam: Fair enough.
- Josh: I just came from seeing Amy Gardner.
- C.J.: Yeah? How'd it go?
- Josh: I showed her who's boss.
- C.J.: Who'd it turn out to be?
- Josh: It's still unclear.
- C.J.: You know, if I was living in Qumar, I wouldn't be allowed to say 'Shove it up your ass, Toby,' but since I'm not: Shove it up your ass, Toby!
- Josh: How's making prostitution illegal not suppressing women's rights?
- Amy: How is making heroin use illegal not suppressing a heroin user's rights?
- Josh: It is, but heroin's bad for you.
- Amy: So's being a prostitute.
- Josh: How am I not supposed to call you a hypocrite when you say that the government shouldn't tell women what to do with their bodies?
- Amy: Exercise some self control, I guess. Prostitution is about the subjugation of women by men for profit.
- Josh: But the profit goes to the women.
- Amy: In some cases. But I know of no little girl, and neither do you, who says "I want to be a prostitute when I grow up."
- C.J.: They beat women, Nancy. They hate women. The only reason they keep Qumari women alive is to make more Qumari men.
- Nancy: So what do you want me to do about it?
- C.J.: How about instead of suggesting that we sell the guns to them, suggesting that we shoot the guns at them? And by the way, not to change the subject, but how are we supposed to have any moral credibility when we talk about gun control and making sure that guns don't get in the hands of the wrong people? God, Nancy! What the hell are we defining as the right people?
- Nancy: This is the real world, and we can't isolate our enemies.
- C.J.: I know about the real world, and I'm not suggesting we isolate them.
- Nancy: You're suggesting we eliminate them.
- C.J.: I have a briefing.
- Nancy: You're suggesting that...
- C.J.: I'm not suggesting anything. I don't suggest foreign policy around here.
- Nancy: You are right now.
- C.J.: It's the twenty-first century, Nancy. The world's gotten smaller. I don't know how we can tolerate this kind of suffering anymore, particularly when all it does is continue the cycle of anti-American hatred. But that's not the point, either.
- Nancy: What's the point?
- C.J.: The point is that apartheid was an Easthampton clambake compared to what we laughingly refer to as the life these women lead. And if we had sold M1-A1s to South Africa fifteen years ago, you'd have set the building on fire. Thank God we never needed to refuel in Johannesburg!
- Nancy: [nods] It's a big world, C.J. And everybody has guns, and I'm doing the best I can.
- C.J.: [in tears] They're beating the women, Nancy!
Bartlet for America
- Bartlet: [on phone] Listen, I don't care that much about your ass but if you need to perjure yourself to protect me you're going to damn well do it.
- Leo: Sir, this isn't a secure call, so I'm going to say to the 17 global intelligence agencies that are listening in that he was kidding just then.
- Bartlet: How'd you get him?
- Casper: He was pulled over for a bad brake light and he thought it was something else.
- Bartlet: A two-year investigation gets its first crack from a broken taillight.
- Casper: In thirteen years with the bureau I've discovered that there's no amount of money, man-power or knowledge that can equal the person you're looking for being stupid.
- Bartlet: Good, well, some of the stupidest criminals in the world are working right here in America. I've always been very proud of that.
- Leo: The President was at the debate site, walking the stage. A podium is a holy place for him. He makes it his own like it's an extension of his body. You ever see a pitcher work the mound so the dirt does exactly what his feet want it to do? That's the President. He sees it as a genuine opportunity to change minds – also his best way of contributing to the team. He likes teams. I love him so much.
- Leo: I'm an alcoholic. I don't have one drink. [pauses] I don't understand people who have one drink. I don't understand people who leave half a glass of wine on the table. I don't understand people who say they've had enough. How can you have enough of feeling like this? How can you not want to feel like this longer? [pauses, sighs] My brain works differently.
- ...
- Jordan: I don't understand how you could have a drink. I don't understand how, after everything you worked for, how on that day of all days you could be so stupid.
- Leo: That's because you think it has something to do with smart and stupid. Do you have any idea how many alcoholics are in Mensa? You think it's a lack of willpower? That's like thinking somebody with anorexia nervosa has an overdeveloped sense of vanity. My father was an alcoholic. His father was an alcoholic. So, in my case...
- Jordan: [nods] Ain't nothin' but a family thing.
- Cliff: Leo McGarry's sobriety isn't the subject of these hearings. These hearings are to investigate if any rules - ethical or otherwise - were broken by Jed Bartlet while he was running for President.
- Gibson: That's nice, but I live in the actual world where the object of these hearings is to win.
- Cliff: [shakes his head] No... it's not.
- Gibson: It's the object of the Majority.
- Cliff: Not while I'm the Majority Counsel, it's not. This is bush league. This is why good people hate us. This, right here. This thing. This isn't what these hearings are about. He cannot possibly have been properly prepared by counsel for these questions, nor should he ever have to answer them publicly. And if you proceed with this line of questioning, I will resign this Committee, and wait in the tall grass for you, Congressman. Because you are killing the party.
H. Con-172
- Leo: Okay. Well, I'll just call the President and suggest to him that he allow a huge bipartisan vote on the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives calling him a liar and that he welcome the result. Then, I'm going to flap my wings and fly to Neverland.
- Jordan: Leo–
- Leo: You think I am so desperate to save my ass, I'm gonna roll over on Jed Bartlet?
- Cliff: I don't think it's a matter of–
- Leo: I take a bullet for the President. He doesn't take one for me.
- Josh: Well, I'm a straight shooter. I think my record's pretty clear on that.
- Toby: Yeah.
- Josh: [about Amy Gardner] I'd like to see her again.
- Toby: Call her.
- Josh: And ask her out?
- Toby: Yeah.
- Josh: No, no. 'Cause there's a potential she says no and then I have to move someplace where it'll never be spoken of again.
- Toby: Yeah.
- Josh: I need to come in under the cover of business.
- Toby: 'Cause you're a straight shooter.
- Josh: Yeah. I need a point of friction. An issue where the feministas and the White House disagree. That way, I can go to her, break the bad news, stand tough, smooth it over and then, you know, I take it from there.
- Toby: How about the word "feministas"?
- Leo: This is five hundred and thirty-five Congressmen and Senators standing up and saying the President lied and should be ashamed of himself. And this is us, standing up and saying 'You're right.' This would be the first time in history a President has been censured. Congress isn't talk radio – it's the seat of democracy. Their opinion matters, and their condemnation doesn't have to come with handcuffs to be devastating to this President. That is the force and effect. And it's not gonna happen 'cause of me.
- Sam: [about an inaccurate tell-all book] I'm sorry. We can't sit on the sidelines and ignore this crap. I'm not going to. Why am I the only one taking this seriously?
- Toby: That's a reasonable question and we should explore that for a minute.
- Sam: It's not the reason you think.
- Toby: You hired the guy.
- Sam: Yes, I hired the guy, but that's not... Legitimate news organizations are going to cover this to say nothing of the people who hate us who are going to run it over, over, over, over, over...This guy was here for three minutes and he was fired. He is not credible. I'm a lawyer, I'm telling you. That has to be made clear. Every time he makes a factual mistake we got to come out with a press release. Every time he misquotes or misidentifies anyone we need to have an affidavit swearing to the truth. If there's a comma in the wrong place he needs to be killed until he is dead and he needs to be killed again or he is going to keep biting at our ankles and I mean all through the campaign. He needs to be a joke, or we're going to be.
- C.J.: [snapping fingers rhythmically] Boy, boy, crazy boy. Keep cool, boy...
- Sam: I'm not screwing around.
- C.J.: Me neither. Sit down.
- Sam: I'm not going to be a victim of this.
- C.J.: Let me tell you something I've learned in my years. There are victims of fires. There are victims of car accidents. This kind of thing, there are no victims - just volunteers. Of course we'll get in the game. I'll talk to the editors of the major papers but we're not going to publicly refute every bogus charge. First of all, there are too many of them. Second of all, I'm not going to give this guy and his book the weight of the White House. As far as the press is concerned I've read the book because I had to. You have a vague recollection of the guy but he wasn't here long enough to make a lasting impression. Have you read the book? Of course not. You're too busy doing a job.
- Sam: While you're convincing the Post and the Times that it's ridiculous...
- C.J.: Sam! Once again, we don't know what's going on in the Oval Office. Obviously, there's a problem. When it's our turn to worry about it they won't be shy about telling us. Let's not fixate on the knuckleheaded stuff we think we can fix in the meantime. And it feels a lot like...that's what you're doing.
- Amy: You didn't talk to me much at school.
- Josh: You were having quite a bit of sex with Chris.
- Amy: There were times I wasn't.
- Josh: I studied a lot in school. I studied hard in high school and at Harvard and in law school. My IQ doesn't break the bank and I wanted to do this, so I studied all the time. And I missed something, or it's like I skipped a year, cause I never learned what you do after you think you like somebody - what you do next. And everybody did learn. A lot of other people, anyway. I didn't walk out tonight. When my phone rings at 11 o'clock, it's important. Not important to me - important. And I'm not puffing myself so that you're -
- Amy: [Cutting him off] You know what? Maybe not so much for you with the talking.
- [They kiss]
- Leo: [about the resolution] It doesn't clear us up for the campaign. It's just a different looking stage weight around our ankle and now it comes with the Congressional Seal. It doesn't give us any room to argue the point. We've got two, maybe as many as three dozen House Democrats in tight races, and you've still got MS. Doing this to save me the embarrassment I've got coming to me is about the dumbest reason I can think...
- Bartlet: There's another reason.
- Leo: What?
- Bartlet: I was wrong. I was. I was just...I was wrong. Come on, you know that. Lots of times we don't know what right or wrong is but lots of times we do and come on, this is one. I may not have had sinister intent at the outset but there were plenty of opportunities for me to make it right. No one in government takes responsibility for anything anymore. We foster, we obfuscate, we rationalize. "Everybody does it." That's what we say. So we come to occupy a moral safe house where everyone's to blame so no one's guilty. I'm to blame. I was wrong.
100,000 Airplanes
- C.J.: [on the President] He's all right?
- Leo: He's about to be censured, and then he's gonna deliver the State of the Union, and then he's gonna run for reelection. My guess is, that there are some things on his mind.
- Josh: I'm seeing Amy again tonight.
- Donna: Second date?
- Josh: First date, really. Last night was more of a ... you know ...
- Donna: Scheme.
- Josh: Yeah.
- Donna: Good, 'cause the second date's usually where the wheels come off the wagon for you.
- Bartlet: A President stood up. He said we will land a man on the moon before the end of the decade. You know what we knew when he said that? Nothing. We didn't know anything. We didn't know about the lunar surface. We didn't know how to land one of these things. All we'd ever done is crash it into the ocean. And God knows we could figure out how to land soft. We didn't know how to blast off again, but a President said we're gonna do it, and we did it. So I ask you, why shouldn't I stand up and say we are going to cure cancer in ten years?
- [Silence in the room. No one responds.]
- Bartlet: I'm really asking.
- Josh: Well, how close are we to really being able to do this?
- Bartlet: Nobody knows.
- Josh: Then...
- Bartlet: Toby.
- Toby: It'll be seen as a political ploy.
- Bartlet: Why?
- C.J.: It can be seen... [to Toby] Excuse me. [to Bartlet] It can be seen as self-serving.
- Bartlet: How?
- C.J.: Using cancer to deflect attention from MS.
- Bartlet: You think people with cancer care what my motives are? You think their families do?
- C.J.: I'm saying...
- Bartlet: Joey?
- Joey: I agree with everything that's been said, except, I don't think they'll see it as deflecting the MS. I think they'll see it as deflecting the censure.
- Bartlet: Once again, why would somebody...?
- Joey: Everybody cares about motive, Mr. President.
- Bartlet: I didn't...
- Kenny: She said, "Everybody cares about motive," sir.
- Bartlet: Sam.
- Sam: Yes sir?
- Bartlet: Why shouldn't I do it?
- Sam: I think you should. I think ambition is good. I think overreaching is good. I think giving people a vision of government that's more than Social Security checks and debt reduction is good. I think government should be optimistic.
- Carol: [after the State of the Union speech] Congratulations, boss!
- C.J.: Nice job. Take the rest of the night off.
- Carol: Yeah, it's one in the morning.
- C.J.: Well, you've earned it! Sam, Sam, the sunshine man. Get on the couch, I'm gonna do you right here.
- Sam: Okay.
- C.J.: Sorry, I was still talking to Carol.
- Sam: What is wrong with you?
- C.J.: We really don't know.
- ...
- Sam: Hey, I'm just, you know. Anyway, congratulations. And if you're serious about that thing with Carol, I can just sit in the corner and not even say–
- C.J.:[laughing] Get out!
- Sam: [reading an excerpt rejected from the State of the Union speech] 'Over the past half century, we've split the atom, we've spliced the gene and we've roamed Tranquility Base. We've reached for the stars and never have we been closer to having them in our grasp. New science, new technology is making the difference between life and death, and so we need a national commitment equal to this unparalleled moment of possibility. And so I announce to you tonight that I will bring the full resources of the Federal Government and the full reach of my office to this fundamental goal: We will cure cancer by the end of this decade.'
The Two Bartlets
- C.J.: So, the 4-H convention.
- Toby: We're not going.
- C.J.: I don't get it. How can you not want to see the butter cow?
- Toby: I'm that way.
- C.J.: You understand it's a life-size cow made entirely of butter.
- Toby: We're not going.
- C.J.: There's also a butter Elvis and a butter Last Supper which has, I swear to God, Toby...
- Toby: Butter on the table?
- C.J.: It's got butter on the table, right there between butter James and butter Peter, an almost mind-blowing vortex of art and material that dares the viewer to recall Marcel Duchamp.
- Toby: How do they keep it from melting?
- C.J.: How, indeed.
- Nancy: Toby, you have a phone call in the staff cabin.
- Toby: Thank you.
- C.J.: Butter, butter, butter, butter, butter, butter, butter.
- C.J.: Duchamp was the father of Dadaism.
- Toby: I know.
- C.J.: The da-da of Dada.
- Toby: It's like there's nothing you can do about that joke. It's coming, and you just have to stand there.
- C.J.: I'm the wrong Democrat to talk to about affirmative action.
- Toby: Why?
- C.J.: Because... After my father fought in Korea, he became what this government begs every college graduate to become. He became a teacher. And he raised a family on a teacher's salary, and he paid his taxes and always crossed at the green. And any time there was opportunity for career advancement, it took him an extra five years because invariably there was a less qualified black woman in the picture. So instead of retiring as superintendent of the Ohio Valley Union Free School District, he retired head of the math department at William Henry Harrison Junior High.
- Toby: I was a telemarketer for about a week. I can't remember what we were selling, but you worked off a script. "Hi. Good evening. My name is..." And "Toby Ziegler" was okay for New York, but once I got into the other time zones, I needed a name that wasn't gonna bother anybody.
- Bartlet: Toby, if you have something to say, please say it.
- Toby: Ritchie's good for all time zones.
- Bartlet: My family signed the Declaration of Independence. You think I've got an ethnicity problem?
- Toby: Well, the line isn't between light skin and dark skin.
- Bartlet: Yeah?
- Toby: It's between educated and masculine. Or Eastern academic elite and plain-spoken.
- Bartlet: It's always been like that.
- Toby: Yeah, but a funny thing happened when the White House got demystified. The impression was left that anybody could do it.
- Toby: Sir, I don't think I need to tell you that the level of respect with which the staff speaks of you doesn't change, depending on whether or not you're in the room.
- Bartlet: But?
- Toby: Well, there's always been a concern about the two Bartlets. The absent-minded professor with the 'Aw, Dad' sense of humor. Disarming and unthreatening. Good for all time zones. And the Nobel Laureate. Still searching for salvation. Lonely, frustrated, lethal.
- Bartlet: You're gonna sing a country western song?
- Toby: The one whose father never liked him because he was too smart.
- Bartlet: This stopped being fun for me a little while ago.
- Toby: Sir?
- Bartlet: It was actually never fun for me. I was just being polite.
- Toby: [pause] Your father used to hit you, didn't he, Mr. President?
- Bartlet: Excuse me?
- Toby: Your father used to hit you, sir?
- Bartlet: [pause] Yeah.
- Toby: Not like a spanking.
- Bartlet: He hit me. Why?
- Toby: He punched you.
- Bartlet: I'm done being polite now.
- Toby: He did it because you made him mad, but you didn't know why.
- Bartlet: Toby, it was a complicated relationship. Can I help you?
- Toby: It was because you were smarter than he was.
- Bartlet: It was a complicated relationship.
- Toby: He didn't like you, sir. That's why he hit you. That's why people hit each other. He didn't like you. You were smarter than he was.
- Bartlet: Why are we talking about this?
- Toby: So maybe if you get enough votes, win one more election, maybe your father will--
- Bartlet: You have stepped WAY over the line, and any other President would have your ass on the sidewalk right now.
- Toby: Yes, sir.
- Bartlet: They would've had you on the sidewalk a long time ago. I don't know what the hell goes on in a Brooklyn shrink's office, but get it the hell out of my house!
- Toby: Thank you Mr. President. [he leaves]
Night Five
- Sam: 32-50 is a consolidated appropriations act that we want to drop in the U.N. speech for Monday morning. I need you to review the final legislative language so we can shop it around the Hill over the weekend.
- Ainsley: What does it call for?
- Sam: Uh, I don't know.
- Ainsley: Sam.
- Sam: It authorizes payment of nine hundred and twenty-six million in U.N. dues over three years for an exchange in the reduction of U.N. bureaucracy as well as peace-keeping assessments by the General Assembly.
- Ainsley: And what are we concerned about?
- Sam: Well, the language was drafted by Republicans.
- Ainsley: We're inscrutable.
- Sam: I just want you to look for legal landmines.
- Ainsley: Like what?
- Sam: I don't know. A ban on German food, or a hidden amendment saying how annoying the French are.
- Ainsley: How about this? We drop out of the UN entirely and use the 926 million to take everyone in the country out to brunch?
- Sam: Why don't you write that suggestion in the margins?
- Bartlet: I can't sleep. I can't sleep. I'll be tired and I'll lie there and it doesn't happen.
- Dr. Keyworth: What happened four nights ago?
- Bartlet: I won the Iowa Caucus.
- Dr. Keyworth: Anything else?
- Bartlet: That's not enough?
- Dr. Keyworth: Mr. President...If you were any other patient...
- Bartlet: Say what you'd say to any other patient.
- Dr. Keyworth: I'd say, screw around if you want, but it's your money, it's about to be my money, and I sleep fine.
- Bartlet: I had a conversation with one of my aides that night after we got back from Iowa. He called me on something.
- Dr. Keyworth: What?
- Bartlet: Well, I guess we talked about a lot of things: who we think the Republican challenger is gonna be, and incumbency, and campaign strategy - strategic overview, but the long and short of it is, my father never liked me, at all. [long pause]
- Dr. Keyworth: Well, at least we're closer to my area now.
- Bartlet: Yeah, I thought you'd enjoy that.
- Sam: [about being chastised by Celia for sexualizing Ainsley] Celia, I asked Ainsley, and she said she didn't mind at all. Plus, Charlie said he's fine with it.
- Celia: Charlie's a man.
- Charlie: Damn right.
- Ainsley: Sam.
- Sam: Yes.
- Ainsley: We need to be clear we're not going to take a bath when other countries can afford to take on more.
- Sam: Yes.
- Ainsley: This is important.
- Sam: I also think it's important to make it clear that I'm not a sexist.
- Charlie: And that I'm all man.
- Ainsley: You're Celia?
- Celia: Yes.
- Ainsley: He's not a sexist.
- Celia: If you're willing to let your sexuality diminish your power.
- Ainsley: I'm sorry?
- Celia: I said I'm surprised you're willing to let your sexuality diminish your power.
- Ainsley: I don't even know what that means.
- Celia: I think you do.
- Ainsley: And I think you think I'm made out of candy glass, Celia. If somebody says something that offends you, tell them. But all women don't have to think alike.
- Celia: I didn't say they did and when somebody said something that offended me, I did say so.
- Ainsley: I like it when the guys tease me. It's an inadvertent show of respect I'm on the team and I don't mind it when it gets sexual. And you know why? I like sex.
- Charlie: Hello.
- Ainsley: I don't think whatever sexuality I may have diminishes my power. I think it enhances it.
- Celia: And what kind of feminism do you call that?
- Ainsley: My kind.
- Bonney: It's called Lipstick Feminism. I call it Stiletto Feminism.
- Sam: Stilettos?
- Ainsley: You're not in enough trouble already?
- Sam: I suppose I am.
- Celia: Isn't the point that Sam wouldn't have been able to find another way to be chummy with a woman who wasn't sexually appealing?
- Ainsley: He would be able to, but that isn't the point. The point is that sexual revolution tends to get in the way of actual revolution. Nonsense issues distract attention away from real ones: pay equity, child care, honest-to-God sexual harassment, and in this case a speech in front of the U.N. General Assembly. So, you, [to Sam] 25% on the assessments for Category A. [To Charlie] You...I don't know what your thing is. [To Celia] And, you, stop trying to take the fun out of my day. With that, I'm going to get a cupcake.
- Sam: Well, for the moment, I'm going to do what she's telling me to do.
- Toby: Our goal is to proclaim American values.
- Andy: This speech isn't supposed to be about ideology. It's supposed to be about reality.
- Toby: I think the President will decide what the speech is supposed to be about, but the reality is, the United States of America no longer sucks up to reactionaries, and our staunch allies will know what we mean.
- Andy: We don't have any staunch allies in the Arab world; just reluctant ones. We've a coalition held together with duct tape! A coalition without which we cannot fight!
- Toby: Nobody's blowing off the coalition, and that coalition will be plenty strong.
- Andy: Oh, when we win?
- Toby: That's right.
- Andy: What's Egypt going to think? Or Pakistan?
- Toby: That freedom and democracy are coming soon to a theatre near them, so get dressed.
- Andy: Toby... you guys are on a thing right now. And I'm behind you. You know I'm behind you; a lot of House Democrats are...
- Toby: Not enough.
- Andy: And plenty of Republicans. But this one moment in time, you have to get off your horse and just... simply put - be nice to the Arab world.
- Toby: Be nice?
- Andy: Yes.
- Toby: Well... How about when we, instead of blowing Iraq back to the seventh century for harboring terrorists and trying to develop nuclear weapons, we just imposed economic sanctions and were reviled by the Arab world for not giving them a global charge card and a free trade treaty? How about when we pushed Israel to give up land for peace? How about when we sent American soldiers to protect Saudi Arabia, and the Arab world told us we were desecrating their holy land? We'll ignore the fact that we were invited. How about two weeks ago, in the State of the Union when the President praised the Islamic people as faithful and hardworking only to be denounced in the Arab press as knowing nothing about Islam? But none of that is the point.
- Andy: What's the point?
- Toby: I don't remember having to explain to Italians that our problem wasn't with them, but with Mussolini! Why does the U.S. have to take every Arab country out for an ice cream cone? They'll like us when we win! [long pause] Thousands of madrasas teaching children nothing, nothing, nothing but the Koran and to hate America. Who do we see about that? Do I want to preach America? Judeo-Christianity? No. If their religion forbids them from playing the trumpet, so be it. But I want those kids to... look at a globe. Be exposed to social sciences, history. Some literature. [pause] They'll like us when we win.
- Dr. Keyworth: They keep moving the goalpost on you, don't they? Get A's, good college, Latin honors. Get into the London School of Economics. Get a good teaching job. Ivy League school, tenure. Now you gotta publish, now you gotta go to Stockholm.
- Bartlet: It's not good for a person to keep setting goals?
- Dr. Keyworth: It probably is, but it's tricky for somebody who's still trying to get his father to stop hitting him.
- Bartlet: Well, I'm told that most men lead lives of quiet desperation.
- Dr. Keyworth: Yeah, but that's most men. That's not you. That's the other people, the ones who feel stress. You're destined for something else.
- Bartlet: I have abilities.
- Dr. Keyworth: And now you have an opportunity to use them.
- Bartlet: I think I have.
- Dr. Keyworth: That room I passed down the hall, on the left, it's got a name, right?
- Bartlet: I think you're talking about the Lincoln Bedroom.
- Dr. Keyworth: Right. This is a hell of a curve you get graded on now. Lincoln freed the slaves and won the Civil War. "Thank you. Next! And what will you be singing for us today, Mr. Bartlet?" "Well, we've had six straight quarters of economic growth."
- Bartlet: That's not easy.
- Dr. Keyworth: Okay.
- Bartlet: It's not easy.
- Dr. Keyworth: I believe you.
- Bartlet: I think I've made tough choices.
- Dr. Keyworth: I think Lincoln did what he thought was right, even though it meant losing half the country. I think you don't do what you think is right if it means losing Michigan's electoral votes.
- Bartlet: You don't know anything.
- Dr. Keyworth: I'll be the first to admit that.
- Bartlet: I'm not trying to get my father to like me.
- Dr. Keyworth: Good. 'Cause it's never, never gonna happen. Look, we're done for the night.
- Bartlet: What?
- Dr. Keyworth: We've been here for two hours. It was a double session. We're done for the night.
- Bartlet: Stanley, I hate to put it this way, but I'm me, and you're you, and we're done when I say we're done.
- Dr. Keyworth: No. [pause] I think you could use some assistance right now, sir. Use me, don't use me, but all I can offer you is this: I'll be the only person in the world, other than your family, who doesn't care that you're the President. [pause] Our time is up.
Hartsfield's Landing
- Charlie: Where is it?
- C.J.: How would I know?
- Charlie: Where is it?
- C.J.: I just hope you didn't leave the building with it.
- Charlie: Give it up, Tiny.
- C.J.: [laughing] Think you're going to want to talk nicer to me than that, because when a reporter finds it, they're going to come to me, and that thing is stamped D12, and you signed out D12, and rules are rules.
- Charlie: Funny.
- C.J.: What?
- Charlie: I never told you it was D12.
- C.J.: How about that?
- Charlie: Look, C.J.–
- C.J.: [stopping by Larry and Ed] You'll find it in your filing cabinet under A for anal.
- Larry: I don't really wanna know what he's going to find in his filing cabinet, do you?
- Ed: No.
- Bartlet: [playing chess] Let me tell you, you're really showing me something tonight. A lot of spunk, a lot of pluck, this game isn't all about size, you know. There's a little thing called heart, and you've got it, my friend.
- Toby: You know what, old man? The very minute they swear in the next guy, you and I are going round and round.
- ...
- Bartlet: You think the strike against me is nobody likes the smartest kid in the class.
- Toby: Ooh I don't know, sir. Being the smartest kid in the class is a pretty good pitch. It's not a strike, unless you watch it as it sails by.
- Bartlet: I don't do that.
- Toby: Check.
- Bartlet: And I'm not a snob.
- Toby: I don't believe you are.
- Bartlet: If a guy's a good neighbor, if he puts in a day, if every once in a while he laughs, if every once in a while he thinks about somebody else, and above all else if he can find his way to compassion and-and tolerance, then he's my brother and I don't give a damn if he didn't get past fingerpainting. What I can't stomach are people who are out to convince people that the educated are soft and privileged and out to make them feel like they're less than - you know - "he may be educated, but I'm plain-spoken just like you". Especially when we know education can be the silver bullet, it can be the silver bullet Toby! For crime, poverty, unemployment, drugs, hatred-
- Toby: Who are you trying to convince?
- Bartlet: I'm saying I don't watch the pitch go by.
- Toby: Abbey told me this story once. She said you were at a party once where you were bending the guy's ear. You were telling him that Ellie had mastered her multiplication tables and she was in third grade reading at a fifth-grade level and she loved books and she scored two goals for her soccer team the week before, you were going on and on... And what made that story remarkable was that the party you were at was in Stockholm and the man you were talking you was King Gustav, who two hours earlier had given you the Nobel Prize in economics. [laughs] I mean, my god, you just won the Nobel Prize and all you wanted to talk about to the King of Sweden was Ellie's multiplication tables!
- Bartlet: [approaches to sit across from him] What's your point?
- Toby: You're a good father, you don't have to act like it. You're the President, you don't have to act like it. You're a good man, you don't have to act like it. You're not just folksy, you're not plain-spoken... Do not, do not, do not act like it!
- Bartlet: I don't want to be killed.
- Toby: Then make this election about smart, and not... Make it about engaged, and not. Qualified, and not. Make it about a heavyweight. You're a heavyweight. And you've been holding me up for too many rounds.
- [Toby lays down his king on the board to retire. Bartlet stands and turns to walk out.]
- Bartlet: Pick your king up. We're not done playing yet.
- C.J.: So, how long do you usually make people your bitch?
- Charlie: Depends.
- Sam: How does this end?
- [Leo knocks and walks into the office.]
- Leo: Sir.
- Bartlet: [to Sam] Like this.
- [Bartlet walks to Leo to read the note he brought him.]
- Bartlet: Turn them around. I'll make some calls and thank people.
- Leo: Yes, sir.
- Bartlet: Thank you, by the way.
- Leo: You, too. [leaves]
- [Bartlet returns to Sam and hands him the piece of paper.]
- Sam: I'd like to try it without looking at the note.
- Bartlet: [sits down] Okay.
- Sam: China agrees to stand down the war games.
- Bartlet: Right.
- Sam: And they agree to let Taiwan test the Patriots. One Patriot.
- Bartlet: Yes.
- Sam: And we... please, I want to be right about this. We agree not to sell Taiwan the Aegis Destroyers for a period of I don't know... five years.
- Bartlet: Ten years, but you've got it.
- Sam: Sir, the Aegis... the Aegis radar technology isn't not something... I mean, what if Taiwan did fall to China? Now they have...and plus these ships cost something like $800 million apiece. Buying four of them would eat half of Taiwan's defense budget.
- Bartlet: And so?
- Sam: You never were going to sell them the destroyers.
- Bartlet: [shakes his head] But everybody wakes up alive in the morning and saves a little face.
- Sam: [amazed] I don't know how you... I don't know what the word... I don't know how you do it.
- Bartlet: You have a lot of help. You listen to everybody and then you call the play. [rises to his feet] Sam. You're gonna run for President one day. Don't be scared. You can do it. I believe in you. [looks at the board] Checkmate.
Dead Irish Writers
- Abbey: Do you like these earrings?
- Bartlet: [without looking] I do.
- Abbey: You want to look at them first?
- Bartlet: [still not looking] Are they new?
- Abbey: No.
- Bartlet: [still not looking] You've worn them?
- Abbey: Yeah.
- Bartlet: [working a crossword puzzle] I love them. "Laissez-faire doctrine." 15 letters.
- Abbey: Social Darwinism.
- Bartlet: No, that's not the answer. See, 'cause Social Darwinism isn't a doctrine. It's a force of nature. The answer is "libertarianism."
- Abbey: I'm gonna be ready in two minutes.
- Bartlet: Take your time.
- Abbey: Passive-aggression is not gonna get me out the door any faster.
- Bartlet: Boo boo, I gave up on getting you out the door in the late 70's. Plus, it's your birthday. You're old, and you don't move around that fast.
- Abbey: Libertarianism has 14 letters not 15.
- Bartlet: I know, so I'm shading in the extra box.
- Abbey: And it's not my birthday.
- Bartlet: It's your birthday week. It's a week of festivities like Mardi Gras or Lent. Three letters. "It may be bitter." "Tea," right?
- Abbey: "It may be bitter?"
- Bartlet: Yeah.
- Abbey: Why "tea"?
- Bartlet: 'Cause "woman" doesn't fit.
- Abbey: "End," you idiot. "Bitter end."
- Lord John Marbury: Abigail.
- Bartlet: Now it's a party.
- Abbey: Oh. Yes, your lordship.
- Lord John Marbury: Your breasts are magnificent.
- Abbey: Oh. Um... thank you, John.
- Lord John Marbury: May I inquire, Mr. President – the first thing that attracted you to Abigail - was it her magnificent breasts?
- Abbey: It was.
- Bartlet: You know John, there are places in the world where it might be considered rude to talk about the physical attributes of another man's wife.
- Lord John Marbury: My god. Really?
- Bartlet: Yeah.
- Abbey: Amy.
- Amy: Yes, ma'am?
- Abbey: C.J. and I are gonna get drunk. Come on.
- Amy: Yes, ma'am.
- Josh: You're going?
- Amy: The First Lady just asked me to get boozy with her. You don't think I want to write a book one day?
- Sam: I need you to tell me everything you can tell me about the Superconducting Super Collider.
- Professor Milgate: How much time do we have?
- Sam: About ten minutes.
- Professor Milgate: If you pay very close attention, stay very, very quiet – I can teach you how to spell it.
- Senator Enlow: If we could only say what benefit this thing has. No one’s been able to do that...
- Professor Milgate: That’s because great achievement has no road map. Well, the X-ray’s pretty good. So is penicillin. Neither were discovered with a practical objective in mind. I mean, when the electron was discovered in 1897, it was useless. Now we have an entire world run by electronics. Haydn and Mozart never studied the classics. They couldn’t—they invented them.
- Sam: Discovery
- Professor Milgate: What?
- Sam: Discovery is what—that's what this is used for. It's for discovery.
The U.S. Poet Laureate
- Sam: [after Bartlet's slight on Ritchie's intelligence] We're focusing on energy independence this week.
- C.J.: No, we're focusing on this this week. I can try a non-apology apology.
- Josh: Try it.
- C.J.: "The President didn't realize that the camera was hot and he said something he shouldn't have, as we all do from time to time."
- Josh: Nice.
- Sam: Yeah. It's a head-fake towards contrition.
- Josh: And we hold our heads high. All right.
- Sam: Good. We'll see how it goes.
- Josh: Why do you think this one's so hard to spin?
- C.J.: 'Cause it's the classic Washington scandal. We screwed up by telling the truth.
- Josh: All right. Let's try not to do that too much.
- Tabatha Fortis: Nice office.
- Toby: Exactly sixty-three feet from the Oval Office. If you don't think we measure, you're out of your mind.
- Josh: [about his fan website] C.J., it's a... crazy place. It's got this dictatorial leader, who I'm sure wears a muumuu and chain smokes Parliaments.
- C.J.: What did you go there for in the first place?
- Josh: It's called LemonLyman.com.
- C.J.: Let me explain something to you. This is sort of my field. The people on these sites? They're the cast of One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest. The muu-muu-wearing Parliament smoker? That's Nurse Ratched. When Nurse Ratched is unhappy, the patients are unhappy. You? You're McMurphy. You swoop in with your card games and fishing trips -
- Josh: I didn't swoop in, I came in the exact same way everyone else did.
- C.J.: Well, now I'm telling you to open the wardroom window and climb on out before they give you a pre-frontal lobotomy and I have to smother you with a pillow.
- Josh: [pause] You're...?
- C.J.: [nodding] I'm Chief Bromden, yes, at this particular moment. I'm assigning an intern from the press office to that website. They're going to check it every night before they go home. If they discover you've been there I'm going to shove a motherboard so far up your ass - What?
- Josh: Technically, I outrank you...
- C.J.: So far up your ass!
- Josh: Okay.
- C.J.: Okay.
- Tabatha Fortis: [to Toby] You think I think that an artist's job is to speak the truth. An artist's job is to captivate you for however long we've asked for your attention. If we stumble into truth, we got lucky, and I don't get to decide what truth is.
- Bartlet: I've been meaning to tell you, you've done really well this week with the open-mike thing.
- C.J.: Thank you.
- Bartlet: Didn't turn out too bad.
- C.J.: No sir, it didn't turn out too bad at all. In fact, the whole country's talking about whether Ritchie's smart enough to be President. And you didn't take a hit, 'cause it was an accident. You know, it occurs to me that even your choice of language was interesting. "A .22 caliber mind, in a .357 magnum world." That's unusual for you, a gun metaphor. Toby mentioned to me that when each interview was over, all the interviewers wanted to talk to you about was Ritchie, and you took a pass each time. Until Philadelphia.
- [Bartlet slowly looks up at her.]
- C.J.: Mr. President, is it possible you saw that the green light was on?
- ...
- C.J.: [smiles] That was Old School.
Stirred
- Donna: I shall do those things.
- Josh: You shall?
- Donna: I shall... and I'll tell you what I'd like in exchange.
- Josh: How about a weekly salary of some kind?
- Donna: Yes, plus a favor.
- Bartlet: I love doing this.
- Charlie: Really?
- Bartlet: Yeah.
- Charlie: Filing tax returns?
- Bartlet: Yeah.
- Charlie: Okay...
- Bartlet: What?
- Charlie: I was just thinking about the plurality of Americans who made the decision to pull a lever that had your name next to it.
- Bartlet: Suckers.
- Bartlet: Can I tell you what's messed up about James Bond?
- Charlie: Nothing.
- Bartlet: Shaken, not stirred will get you cold water with a dash of gin and dry vermouth. The reason you stir it with a special spoon is so not to chip the ice. James is ordering a weak martini and being snooty about it.
- Charlie: They're saying I owe the federal government money?
- Bartlet: And you don't even need a stamp. Hand it over.
- Charlie: There's a mistake.
- Bartlet: Whatever. Hand it over.
- Donna: [on the phone to her former teacher] Sally Seidelman told me you were retiring.
- Mrs. Morello: At the end of this year.
- Donna: Well, I... I just wanted to say. I don't know, I just... I just wanted to say... I don't know.
- Mrs. Morello: Are--Are you sure everything's all right?
- Bartlet: [whispering] Tell her where you are.
- Donna: Mrs. Morello, I am standing in the Oval Office with the President of the United States and it is because of you. [silence] Mrs. Morello?
- Mrs. Morello: What a thing to say. Well, we're all very proud of you, Donna.
- Bartlet: She didn't do anything.
- Mrs. Morello: Was that...?
- Bartlet: It's Jed Bartlet, Mrs. Morello. I've got a few questions. When you taught Beowulf, did you make the kids read it in the original Middle English or did you use a translation?
- Mrs. Morello: We used a translation, Mr. President.
- Bartlet: Okay. We're going to call that the James Bond version.
Enemies Foreign and Domestic
- C.J.: [about the treatment of women in Saudi Arabia] Outraged? I'm barely surprised. This is a country where women aren't allowed to drive a car. They're not allowed to be in the company of any man other than a close relative. They're required to adhere to a dress code that would make a Maryknoll nun look like Malibu Barbie. They beheaded a hundred and twenty-one people last year for robbery, rape, and drug trafficking. They have no free press, no elected government, no political parties. And the Royal Family allows the Religious Police to travel in groups of six carrying nightsticks and they freely and publicly beat women. But 'Brutus is an honorable man.' Seventeen schoolgirls were forced to burn alive because they weren't wearing the proper clothing. Am I outraged? No, Steve; no, Mark; no, Chris: that is Saudi Arabia, our partners in peace.
- Sam: [negotiating a meeting with the Russian president] It's a coincidence that you should happen to mention the time of the meeting. See, President Chigorin only has to fly through one time zone. President Bartlet has to fly through seven. Don't get me wrong, this President can do three shows a night, but there's no one in the Western Hemisphere who has a worse reaction to jetlag than he does. Any trip 8 hours or longer and someone gets fired at the end of it, and it's already been me three times, so...
- Nikolai: We'll pass it on.
- Sam: I think everyone on the White House staff would agree when I say that one is a deal-breaker.
- Nikolai: It is freezing too cold in Reykjavík. It is freezing too cold in Helsinki. It is freezing too cold in Gstaad. Why must every American President bound out of an automobile like as at a yacht club, while in com...
- George: Comparison.
- Nikolai: Comparison, our leader looks like... I don't even know what word is.
- Sam: Frumpy?
- Nikolai: I don't know what "frumpy" is, but onomatopoetically, sounds right.
- ...
- Sam: It's hard not to like a guy who doesn't know 'frumpy,' but knows 'onomatopoeia.'
- Admiral Fitzwallace: Mr. President.
- Bartlet: Fitz! Fitz, you old polecat, you old so-and-so.
- Admiral Fitzwallace: Trying to be "one of the fellas," sir?
- Bartlet: Yeah.
- Admiral Fitzwallace: Well, well done, sir.
- C.J.: [walking into the Oval Office] Good morning, Mr. President.
- Bartlet: You're gonna get Secret Service protection, but I can't order it unless you sign this piece of paper, so sign this piece of paper.
- C.J. Sir, can I ask why you feel it's necessary...
- Bartlet: Because Ron says it is, and around here we do whatever Ron says.
- C.J.: Well, I think it might be an over-reaction.
- Bartlet: Good for you. With all your years of training and experience in sniffing out crime, your opinion really carries a lot of weight with me.
- C.J.: I don't want to appear fragile.
- Bartlet: Are you kidding?
- C.J.: Sir...
- Bartlet: We're talking about one bodyguard. I have twelve, and that's before I leave the house. You ever count the number of guns that come along with me when Abbey and I take in a play at the Kennedy Center? Do I seem fragile to you?
- C.J.: No, sir.
- Bartlet: Then...
- C.J.: You're also not a woman in a man's job. To say nothing of the fact that you're required by law to be protected by the Treasury Department. You don't have a choice. And frankly, sir, you and I both know that you score points frequently with the public and with the press by shrugging off your Secret Service and doing whatever... going to a book store.
- Bartlet: I don't care.
- C.J.: Sir...
- Bartlet: I don't care! You're part of my family, and this thing is happening and I simply won't permit it. Sign the piece of paper.
The Black Vera Wang
- Sam: [holding up an envelope] What's this?
- Ginger: I don't know. It's marked "personal."
- Sam: You don't know who sent it?
- Ginger: There's no return address.
- Sam: Think it's porn?
- Ginger: I don't know.
- Sam: 'Cause I'm pretty tired, but if it's porn—I mean really good porn—by the way if my innocent joking's making you uncomfortable in any way—
- Ginger: No, I'm hoping it's porn.
- Bruno: This isn't bad, Sam. Let me show you bad. [they walk out to where all the TVs are running the ad]
- Sam: Oh, God.
- Bruno: It's on free media. Everywhere. All day, all night, for free. You got played, Sam. And you forgot that all warfare is based on deception.
- C.J.: There's no way you're letting me walk out the door, so what is it we're doing?
- Simon: I'm sorry?
- C.J.: What's your plan for me?
- Simon: I don't have a plan.
- C.J.: Are you gonna let me drive myself home?
- Simon: No. [holding up something] I've got your spark plug. Is that what you meant?
- C.J.: You've got my spark plug?
- Simon: And your battery. Fuel pump, starter relay, timing belt, the ignition fuse. And well also the engine, I guess.
- C.J.: Did you leave me anything?
- Simon: Wiper fluid. You can clean your windshield. No, actually, you need the battery.
- C.J.: Anything else, Agent Sunshine?
- Simon: It's Special Agent Sunshine, but that couldn't matter less.
- Bartlet: I'm not going to the bunker. There are going to be people who aren't going to the bunker, and when I get out I'm not going to be able to tell them what to do anymore and I like doing that. Let's get Abbey to New Hampshire but I'm not going to the bunker. And if you say I have to, I'm walking across the alley with the Chief Justice and I'm handing John Hoynes my resignation. And as soon as he's sworn in I'm telling him to appoint me his Vice President because I'm not going to the bunker. If the agents come, the agents come, but tell Ron he'd better bring more than a couple of guys.
We Killed Yamamoto
- Leo: I know it was a screw-up, but I loved how he stormed into it, full speed, bam, like there's now a Sam Seaborn-shaped hole in the wall.
- Leo: We spent millions of dollars developing a pen for the astronauts that would work in zero gravity. Know what the Russians did?
- Toby: Used a pencil?
- Leo: They used a pencil.
- Bartlet: [about replacing Mrs. Landingham] So it's been a year. Why don't you organize the search, you know for a new Executive Secretary.
- Charlie: Yes, sir. Absolutely.
- Bartlet: I may not like the first couple of candidates. It may take a while.
- Charlie: No, I don't imagine you're going to hire somebody sir, but this is a step in the right direction.
- Donna: Eliminating the term 'north' from North Dakota is an important state issue and the President feels it should be resolved on a state level. While the President is sympathetic towards the cause and understands the large economics ramifications of this name change, he feels the issue is not yet ripe for national attention. The President wishes you well on your endeavors and thanks you for your support.
- Man: Uh, Miss Moss? Are you aware that studies clearly show the word 'north' leaves the impression that this state is cold, snowy and flat, significantly depressing tourism and business startup.
- Donna: With due respect, sir, your average temperature is 7 degrees. Your average snowfall: 42 inches, and a name change isn't going to take care of that.
- Woman: We enjoy roughly the same climate as South Dakota. We took in 73.7 million in tourism revenue last year. They took in 1.2 billion. They have the word 'south'.
- Donna: Also Mount Rushmore.
- Admiral Fitzwallace: I don't know who the world's leading expert on warfare is, but any list of the top has got to include me and I can't tell when it's peacetime and wartime anymore.
- Leo: Look, international law has always recognized certain protected persons who you couldn't attack. It's been this way since the Romans.
- Admiral Fitzwallace: In peacetime.
- Leo: Yes.
- Admiral Fitzwallace: The Battle of Agincourt...this was the French fighting against the British archers. This was like a polo match. The battles were observed by heralds, and they picked the winners. And if a soldier laid down his arms, he was treated humanely...
- Leo: Yeah.
- Admiral Fitzwallace: And the international laws you're talking about...this is where a lot of them were written, at a time and in a place where a person could tell between peacetime and wartime. The idea of targeting one person was ridiculous. It wouldn't have occurred to the French to try to kill William Pitt. That all changed after Pearl Harbor–
- Leo: I don't like where this conversation's going...In the Situation Room, Fitz...
- Admiral Fitzwallace: We killed Yamamoto. We shot down his plane.
- Leo: We declared war...
- Admiral Fitzwallace: If Dietrich Bonhoeffer had been successful...
- Leo: ...and the plot to kill Hitler was an internal rebellion.
- Admiral Fitzwallace: ...there would have been statues built of an assassin. We'd've had to explain that to our kids!
- Leo: I'm going to get back to the office.
- Admiral Fitzwallace: We measure the success of a mission by two things: was it successful and how few civilians did we hurt. They measure success by how many. Pregnant women are delivering bombs! You're talking to me about international laws? The laws of nature don't even apply here! I've been a soldier for thirty-eight years, and I've found an enemy I can kill. He can't cancel Shareef's trip, Leo. You've got to tell him, he can't cancel it.
Posse Comitatus
- Bartlet: Is this a joke? If it's a joke, it's both funny and well-executed, but I think you and I both know that it's not. I send you out to replace Delores Landingham, and that's what you came home with?
- Charlie: Was she...?
- Bartlet: She was an alpaca farmer who needed two tries to get her own name.
- Charlie: Well, sir, maybe...
- Bartlet: Don't worry about it. I'm gonna get the Personnel Office on it. I got to go change for New York.
- [Charlie walks out]
- Charlie: Okay. Okay, that was my fault. I didn't properly prepare you for the meeting. That was bad staff work. Before your next job interview with the President, I'm gonna remind you that you probably don't want to be stoned.
- Debbie: There's gonna be a second interview?
- Charlie: There's gonna be as many as it takes. We're gonna get this right.
- Debbie: Well, let me back you up a second. Have we done the first one yet?
- Charlie: I'm calling a cab now.
- Debbie: Okay.
- Toby: He's [Gov. Ritchie] at the Yankee game right now?
- Sam: Local news covered it. He said that this was how ordinary Americans got their entertainment.
- Toby: I've been to 441 baseball games at Yankee Stadium. There's not a single person there who's ordinary.
- Sam: I know.
- Toby: You making fun of the Yankees?
- Sam: Uh...no...
- Toby: Now?
- Sam: I'm not.
- Toby: They went to the Yankee game.
- Sam: He's coming at intermission.
- Toby: Well, I'm not sure that suits me.
- Sam: I know what you mean.
- Toby: Making an entrance after the President. That's just not how we play bridge. It's not how we say cricket.
- Sam: Okay, but you're starting to freak me out a little bit.
- Toby: Just talk to me a minute.
- Sam: How many people are at the game?
- Toby: It's a good game. About 40,000 probably.
- Sam: There was an incumbent President, who was facing a primary challenge, and on the day of the primary, his staff sent his motorcade into a district that was heavily favored by his opponent in order to tie up traffic. Now I would like it plain that I would never do anything to tamper with an election, but...
- [Toby pats Sam's cheek a few times and squishes his mouth.]
- Toby: I am so... proud of you.
- Sam: You're really very much freaking me out.
- Bartlet: What's going on?
- Charlie: Nothing, sir. [pause] I'll be arranging a second meeting with Deborah Fiderer when we get back to town.
- Bartlet: From this afternoon?
- Charlie: Yes, sir.
- Bartlet: Are you pledging a fraternity or something, 'cause this would be a good one.
- Charlie: Sir?
- Bartlet: What's with you and this woman?
- Charlie: She hired me. That's why she was fired.
- [Bartlet nods]
- Bartlet: Civilians get trials.
- Leo: I'd argue he's not a civilian. So would the Attorney General.
- Bartlet: They're gonna find out it's us. We could make it look like the plane went down, but they're gonna find out it's us, and I'm gonna be running for reelection while I'm fighting a war against Qumar.
- Leo: That's why you want to say no?
- Bartlet: I want him tried.
- Leo: That can't happen.
- Bartlet: I understand.
- Leo: I was talking this morning about how Mallory names all the lobsters in the tank.
- Bartlet: Yeah.
- Leo: Would it be helpful if I brought you a list of names of Shareef's victims?
- Bartlet: What do you want from me?
- Leo: Who was the monk who wrote, "I always don't know the right thing to do, Lord, but I think the fact that I want to please you pleases you." [beat] You have two minutes, sir.
- Bartlet: This isn't a matter of religion.
- Leo: Yes, sir.
- Bartlet: I recognize that there's evil in the world.
- Leo: What is your objection exactly, sir?
- Bartlet: Doesn't this mean we join the league of ordinary nations?
- Leo: That's your objection? I'm not gonna have trouble saying the Pledge of Allegiance tomorrow.
- Bartlet: That's not my objection.
- Leo: Sir...
- Bartlet: It's just wrong. It's absolutely wrong.
- Leo: I know, but you have to do it anyway.
- Bartlet: Why?
- Leo: 'Cause you won.
- [Bartlet pauses]
- Bartlet: Take him.
- Gov. Ritchie: You enjoying the play?
- Bartlet: I am. How about you?
- Gov. Ritchie: We just got here. We were at the Yankee game. We were, you know, hung up in traffic.
- Bartlet: Yeah, I know. Listen, politics aside, and I don't want to make a big deal out of it, but you probably insulted the church, and you can head it off at the pass if you speak to the Cardinal tonight.
- Gov. Ritchie: Well, I didn't mean to insult anybody.
- Bartlet: No.
- Gov. Ritchie: And it's a baseball game. It's how ordinary Americans...
- Bartlet: Yeah. [beat] No, I don't understand that. The center fielder for the Yankees is an accomplished classical guitarist. People who like baseball can't like books?
- Gov. Ritchie: Are you taking this personally?
- Bartlet: No. Something horrible happened about an hour ago. C.J. Cregg was getting threats so we put an agent on her. He's a good guy. He was on my detail for a while, and he was in Rosslyn. He walked in the middle of an armed robbery, and was shot and killed after detaining one of the suspects.
- Gov. Ritchie: Oh. Crime...Boy, I don't know.
- Bartlet: [nods, sighs] We should have a great debate, Rob. We owe it to everyone. When I was running as a governor, I didn't know anything. I made them start Bartlet College in my dining room. Two hours every morning on foreign affairs and the military. You can do that.
- Gov. Ritchie: How many different ways you think you're gonna find to call me dumb?
- Bartlet: I wasn't, Rob. But you've turned being un-engaged into a Zen-like thing, and you shouldn't enjoy it so much is all. And if it appears at times as if I don't like you, that's the reason why.
- Gov. Ritchie: You're what my friends call a superior sumbitch. You're an academic elitist and a snob. You're, uh, Hollywood, you're weak, you're liberal, and you can't be trusted. And if it appears from time to time as if I don't like you, well, those are just a few of the many reasons why.
- [Music begins in the theater]
- Bartlet: They're playing my song. [stands and walks away, then turns back] In the future, if you're wondering, "Crime. Boy, I don't know" is when I decided to kick your ass.
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20 Hours in America, Part I
- Bartlet: There's a guy down here holding a sign that says, "Eight more years." Don't get me wrong, I like your thinking, but I've probably tested the Constitution about as far as Abbey's going to allow me to for a little while. [Crowd cheers and applauds.] You know the story about the guy whose car gets stuck in a muddy hole? A farmer comes along and says he'll pull the car out of the mud but he's going to have to charge 50 bucks 'cause this is the tenth time he's had to pull one out of the mud today. The driver says, "God, when do you have time to plow your land, at night?" The farmer says, "No, no. Nighttime is when I fill the hole with water." [Crowd laughs.] We need to find energy alternatives. We're getting our cue. We're getting it right now. The Republicans are busy. They're trying to convince us that they care about new energy and that they're not in the vest pockets of big oil, and that's a tough sell. I don't envy them, 'cause their only hope is that we don't notice that they're the ones who are filling the hole with water every night, and I think Americans are smarter than that. I think we noticed.
- C.J: We've got a new addition to our running list of things Robert Ritchie's not. Speaking this morning at the Philadelphia Financial Council the Governor said, "I'm no scientist, but I know a thing or two about physics." So, for the week, you can add "scientist" to "doctor," "mind reader," and "Chinese."
- Sam: [on his answering machine] Hi, it's Sam. I'm going to sleep now for a little bit, but if you really need me just yell really loud and I'll probably wake up.
- Josh: SAM!!!
- Donna: Excuse me. I'm so sorry to interrupt in what obviously is a private moment between the two of you and your... two friends. We came in this morning...
- Girl 2: We know who you are. We're not rednecks.
- Donna: Okay. Well, I'm Donna Moss and this is my boss.
- Josh: Josh Lyman.
- Toby: Toby Ziegler.
- Donna: Anyway, we're very crunched for time and we think that you...
- Toby: I work at the White House.
- Girl 1: Wow. Humongous whoop.
- Josh: Come on! He's Communications Director. It's a decent sized whoop.
- Girl 2: How many unborn babies did you guys kill today?
- Josh: Whoa, hey. Danger, Will Robinson. Tyler, no fooling around. We've got 15 minutes to get to a plane that is 3 miles from here. That plane-- I swear to God-- is taking off at 1:00.
- Tyler: It's taking off at 1:00?
- Josh: Yes, it is.
- Kiki: Are you guys stupid or something? It's 1:45 right now.
- Josh: It's 12:45.
- Kiki: No, not here it's not.
- Donna: Oh, my God, she's right.
- Tyler: See, we crossed over from Unionville to Dearborn County which doesn't observe Daylight saving time.
- Kiki: I think it's the other way around, genius.
- Tyler: What did I ever do to you?
- Donna: It says on the schedule, "All times are local." This is why I couldn't get anyone on their cell.
- Josh: Wait. Wait. No. No. You're not... We changed time zones? We changed time... We changed time zones?!
- Tyler: It's a-a common mistake.
- Josh: Not for the U.S. government!
- Toby: What kind of schmuck-ass system could this possibly...
- Josh: That's good! That's perfect!
- Toby: How did...? I don't understand.
- Josh: Perfect. Just the break I'm looking for.
- Toby: What do...? What do...? People, they just... They reset their watches when they commute?
- Josh: I can't take working here.
- Toby: They just change their watches every time they cross a time zone? What is this, a joke?!
- Josh: Serving my country.
- Donna: Okay, this is a whole new thing now. My guys are going to need to walk this off a bit before they can regroup. Kiki, you and your friends get back to school. Tyler, you and I are going to come up with a plan to get us to a commercial airport.
- Sam: Do we have some sort of condensed... Reader's Digest index... of, well... all human knowledge?
- Ginger: We usually just use Margaret.
20 Hours in America, Part II
- McNally: Leo. Yeoman Fitzwallace.
- Admiral Fitzwallace: Dr. McNally.
- McNally: Let's attack.
- Admiral Fitzwallace: Who?
- McNally: Qumar. Let's recommend to the President that we attack.
- Leo: Why?
- McNally: 'Cause I've had it.
- Admiral Fitzwallace: I don't think the UN is going to let us do it for that reason.
- McNally: That's 'cause you're a sissy. You want peace in the Middle East? Give me a pair of third generation ICBMs and a compass. You get B-2 Spirit stealth bombers over Qumar right now, as if the Qumari Air Defense System requires stealth capability. Just fly in at night, and while you're at it, could you order the USS Louisiana to fire off a D5 Trident just to see if it works? What's the worst that could happen?
- Admiral Fitzwallace: [to Leo, bewildered] Is she talking to me?
- McNally: Yes!
- Admiral Fitzwallace: Well, 98% of all living organisms within a seven mile radius would die instantly in a torrent of fire.
- McNally: Admiral Sissymary... We're running out of options on the menu.
- Bartlet: ...restoring abundance amid an economic shortfall, securing peace in a time of global conflict, sustaining hope in this winter of anxiety and fear. More than any time in recent history, America's destiny is not of our own choosing. We did not seek nor did we provoke an assault on our freedom and our way of life. We did not expect nor did we invite a confrontation with evil. Yet the true measure of a people's strength is how they rise to master that moment when it does arrive. Forty-four people were killed a couple of hours ago at Kennison State University. Three swimmers from the men's team were killed and two others are in critical condition, when, after having heard the explosion from their practice facility, they ran into the fire to help get people out. Ran into the fire. The streets of heaven are too crowded with angels tonight. They're our students and our teachers and our parents and our friends. The streets of heaven are too crowded with angels, but every time we think we have measured our capacity to meet a challenge, we look up and we're reminded that that capacity may well be limitless. This is a time for American heroes. We will do what is hard. We will achieve what is great. This is a time for American heroes and we reach for the stars. God bless their memory, God bless you and God bless the United States of America. Thank you.
- Bruno: When did you write that last part?
- Sam: In the car.
- Bruno: Freak.
- Josh: Campaigns aren't about the candidates.
- Toby: No?
- Josh: They're about the voters. How-how are we going to create jobs? how-how are we going to get healthcare? How are we going to make the lights go on? How are we going to protect ourselves?
- Toby: Don't you want to ask if the plumber knows which directions the pipes run? Don't you...? Forget the plumber. Don't... [sighs]... we want leadership to sound and feel like, instead of appealing to our-our least expensive, however legitimate, desire to feel good about ourselves? Don't we want...?
- Donna: All right, that's it. I can't take it.
- Toby: He started it.
- Donna: I am not kidding. I have such an impulse to knock your heads together. I can't remember the last time I heard you two talk about anything other than how a campaign was playing in Washington. Cathy needed to take a second job so her dad could be covered by her insurance. She tried to tell you how bad things were for family farmers. You told her we already lost Indiana. You made fun of the fair but you didn't see they have livestock exhibitions and give prizes for the biggest tomato and the best heirloom apple. They're proud of what they grow. Eight modes of transportation, the kindness of six strangers, random conversations with twelve more, and nobody brought up Bartlet versus Ritchie but you. I'm writing letters, on your behalf to the parents of the kids who were killed today. Can I have the table, please?
- [Josh and Toby stand]
- Matt Kelley: Flight's delayed?
- Toby: Yeah.
- Matt Kelley: Me, too. I'm going to St. Louis.
- Toby: Washington.
- Matt Kelley: I'm with my daughter. She's up, uh, stairs in the room, but we were out here looking at Notre Dame.
- Toby: Yeah.
- Matt Kelley: You got kids?
- Toby: No.
- Matt Kelley: Wait till you take your oldest to look at colleges. It's an incredible feeling. You wish they'd go to college across the street from your house, but you know...
- Toby: Yeah. [to the bartender] A Jack Daniels, rocks.
- Bartender: Yeah.
- Toby: My boss went to Notre Dame.
- Matt Kelley: Beautiful campus. I've never seen anything like it. She-she's not going to get to sleep tonight. [pause] You see what happened in the market today?
- Toby: Yeah, I-I saw. You invested?
- Matt Kelley: Ehh... Mutual fund that's supposed to send her to college. I never imagined at $55,000 a year, I'd have trouble making ends meet. And my wife brings in another 25. My son's in public school. It's no good. I mean, there's 37 kids in the class, uh, no art and music, no advanced placement classes. Other kids, their mother has to make them practice the piano. You can't pull my son away from the piano. He needs teachers. I spend half the day thinking about what happens if I slip and fall down on my own front porch, you know? It should be hard. I like that it's hard. Putting your daughter through college, that's-that's a man's job. A man's accomplishment. But it should be a little easier. Just a little easier. 'Cause in that difference is... everything. [pause] I'm sorry. I'm, uh, I-I'm Matt Kelley.
- Toby: I'm Toby Ziegler. I work at the White House. Have a minute to talk? We'd, uh... like to buy you a beer.
- Toby: If our job teaches us anything, it's that we don't know what the next President's gonna face. And if we choose someone with vision, someone with guts, someone with gravitas, who's connected to other people's lives, and cares about making them better... if we choose someone to inspire us, then we'll be able to face what comes our way and achieve things... we can't imagine yet. Instead of telling people who's the most qualified, instead of telling people who's got the better ideas, let's make it obvious. It's going to be hard.
- Josh: Then we'll do what's hard.
College Kids
- Bartlet: Listen, I know we're here for a serious purpose, for a sober purpose, but I wanted to say I've never been a part of a street gang before, and that's basically what we are – a pretty well-financed one – but anyway, I wanted to say it feels good, and I think when we're done with this meeting, I think we should go out and get girls, and I don't know, maybe knock over a fruit stand or something.
- Debbie: At my last job, the background check wasn't nearly as extensive...
- Sam: You have a button on your phone, a crash button.
- Debbie: Hmm?
- Sam: You have a crash button which will bring the Secret Service in instantly and turn your office into a live microphone which will be broadcast all over the building. It's the button you push if someone's trying to take the Oval Office. This isn't your last job.
- Bartlet: ...'Joy cometh in the morning,' scripture tells us. I hope so. I don't know if life would be worth living if it didn't. And I don't yet know who set off the bomb at Kennison State. I don't know if it's one person or ten, and I don't know what they want. All I know for sure, all I know for certain, is that they weren't born wanting to do this. There's evil in the world, there'll always be, and we can't do anything about that. But there's violence in our schools, too much mayhem in our culture, and we can do something about that. There's not enough character, discipline, and depth in our classrooms; there aren't enough teachers in our classrooms. There isn't nearly enough, not nearly enough, not nearly enough money in our classrooms, and we can do something about that. We're not doing nearly enough, not nearly enough to teach our children well, and we can do better, and we must do better, and we will do better, and we will start this moment today! They weren't born wanting to do this.
- Jordan: All I meant by 'cloak and dagger' is that I'm not cut out for the security meetings and the secret this and the back channel ambassadors. It's like you're in the Mafia.
- Leo: Well, it may be like I'm in the Mafia, but I'm not. I work for the good guys.
- Jordan: It was one sentence. The problem was that you were never at the other end of the phone.
- Leo: That's an entirely different kettle of beans and we can have that discussion, but history has shown if you just wait and tell it to a divorce lawyer you can have half of my stuff.
- Jordan: I don't want your stuff.
- Leo: You don't know; some of it's good stuff.
- Josh: [to Sam] Would you tell him he doesn't have to worry about the district court?
- Sam: I told him. [to Bruno] They're not going to rule for Sullivan.
- Josh: He's worried 'cause it's Wengland.
- Sam: He's not that crazy.
- Bruno: I'll tell you, I'm not that comfortable with a federal judge being even a little bit crazy.
The Red Mass
- Toby: When we mention that we want five debates, say what they are. One on the economy, one on foreign policy, with another on global threats and national security, one on the environment, and one on strengthening family life, which would include health care, education, and retirement. I also think there should be one on parts of speech and sentence structure, and one on fractions.
- C.J.: Is there any chance I'm going to get an opportunity to speak in this conversation, or are you just writing out loud?
- Toby: I didn't even know you were in the room.
- C.J.: Toby, I'm absolutely terrified we're going to lose the expectations game. I can't believe how many times I get asked what would be a win in the debates. At this point I feel like if - and only if - Ritchie accidentally lights his podium on fire does the President have a fighting chance.
- Toby: I disagree.
- C.J.: Disagree all you want, but I'm right.
- Toby: These two men are going to be side by side on the stage, answering questions. That's the ball game.
- C.J.: If the whole thing is, he can't tie his shoelaces and it turns out he can, then that is the ball game.
- Toby: And I believe he'll have to do more than tie his shoelaces.
- C.J.: Not much more.
- Charlie: Can you make a run to the staff secretary's office? Ella's not there, but someone should be. Make sure you just take what needs to be signed today. They're gonna try to give you a whole stack, and right there's where you become a man.
- Emily: Should I use sex as a tactic?
- Charlie: If you need to. Hell, even if you just want to.
- Bartlet: Mike, pick yourself out a daughter. My oldest is married, but I can have it annulled. The Pope said he'd do it, I swear to God.
- Casper: That's very friendly of you, sir. Thank you.
- Bartlet: It's not even the number of debates, as much as the format. Two-minute response followed by a one-minute reply. That's not a debate. That's not a debate! It's a joint press conference.
- C.J.: What is really the difference between one debate and two debates?
- Toby: "What's the diff–"! It's a whole other debate! It's a second debate! It's 100% more debate!
- C.J.: "Someone should ask him if he's aware taxpayers pay $9,000 this instead of $200,000 that. And somebody should ask him what he means by, and somebody should ask him how he plans on..." You said that, and you were right!
- Toby: What if he has a bad night? It's happened. What if he gets himself into trouble? What if Ritchie comes after Abbey or the kids and the President goes postal? That's what I'd try to do. Stress, hot lights... What if he has an episode?
- C.J.: We lose. When you can't lower expectations, you only have one thing you can do. You have to meet them.
Debate Camp
- Bartlet: [to Leo] Honey, if we're going to have this fight, can we not do it in front of the Joint Chiefs? It just scares the hell out of them.
- Toby: A couple of things. I need you to look at a couple of answers on defense readiness. I need concrete examples of waste in Pentagon procurement. We need two more members of the IRC for post spin. I need you to fill out this marriage license and paperwork for a joint checking account and review this 60-second answer on Rwanda.
- Andy: Okay, okay, okay and um, under no circumstances, and sure.
- Toby: See, by my count, you said under no circumstances to the IRC post spin and sure...
- Andy: I said under no circumstances to marrying you again.
- Toby: May I ask why?
- Andy: I have the unique experience of having done it once before.
- Sam: What's going on with you and Andy?
- Toby: Nothing.
- Sam: I think you're wrong.
- Toby: I'm not.
- Sam: I think you're getting back together.
- Toby: We're not.
- Sam: But you want to.
- Toby: Yes.
- Sam: I think... Wait. What?
- Toby: See, sometimes if I slam on the brakes, you run right past.
- Josh: Okay, fill us in on everything you've got so far between the two of you.
- Toby: Yeah, that's what's going to happen right now.
- Mrs. Landingham: We're choosing pictures from the collection at the National Gallery.
- Bartlet: They'll loan stuff?
- Mrs. Landingham: Anything you want in the National Gallery or the whole Smithsonian.
- Bartlet: Really?
- Mrs. Landingham: Yeah.
- Bartlet: I want Apollo 11.
- Mrs. Landingham: Well, you can't have that.
- Bartlet: Then don't bother me.
- Charlie: Josh and Sam talked to me. I'm on board.
- Toby: With what?
- Charlie: Team Toby.
- Toby: See, I lent voice to thought and that was my mistake.
- Charlie: If you want to marry Andy, then, damn it, so do I...
- Toby: Okay.
- Charlie: ...want that, you know, to happen to you.
- Toby: I get it.
- Charlie: Do you? Because this is about love.
- Toby: I think you have a different motivation.
- Charlie: Laughs?
- Toby: Yes.
- Charlie: Sure, but also as much love, really, as I think either one of us are comfortable with.
Game On
- Bartlet: Ten words. Ten words.
- Josh: We don't have them yet, Mr. President.
- Bartlet: All right, let's do a drill.
- C.J.: Mr. President, despite a rise in tension around the globe, you've held up funding for a missile defense shield.
- Bartlet: Too much money for too little protection.
- All: Good.
- Bartlet: Next.
- Josh: Sir, you oppose a voucher system that would offer children a choice of better schools...
- Bartlet: That would offer some children a choice of better schools, but I haven't given up the ghost on better schools for everybody, and vouchers drain money from that goal.
- Toby: Mr. President, this next question is on capital punishment, which you oppose: If your youngest daughter Zoey was raped and murdered, would you not want to see the man responsible put to death?
- Bartlet: First of all, it's important to understand the President doesn't make that decision, though he appoints the Supreme Court Justices who do so. What... any... um... All right, I'm not going to say that. I'll just go right to... No, I don't. I think you know that I'm opposed.... [sighs] Let's not do that. I haven't seen any evidence that it's a deterrent, and there are more effective... In my state...
- Toby: Oh, my God.
- Bartlet: What?
- Toby: [to Leo] You weren't kidding. [to Bartlet] What's the matter with you? When I left you... I just mentioned your daughter being murdered, and you're giving us an answer that's not only soporific, it's barely human! Yes, you'd want to see him put to death. You'd want it to be cruel and unusual, which is why it's probably a good idea that fathers of murder victims don't have legal rights in these situations. Now, we're going back to school.
- [There is a long pause of silence, then they all begin to laugh.]
- Bartlet: Let's go-- ten bucks. Crisis of confidence. [to Leo] You did one square foot of real estate.
- Leo: Yes, I did.
- Bartlet: Ten bucks for you. [to Toby] And you-- You big bear, come to me. I'm going to kiss you right on the mouth.
- C.J.: Ten bucks.
- Leo: Anything else, sir?
- Bartlet: Work hard.
- All: Thank you, sir.
- [They walk out of the Oval Office]
- Josh: [to Sam] Have a safe flight.
- Sam: I'll see you in San Diego.
- Josh: [to Toby] Sorry about that. It was the President's idea. He bet us you couldn't stay quiet if he gave a bad answer. What?
- Toby: He's ready.
- Josh: Ten words: "I will make America's defenses the strongest in the history of the world."
- Leo: "In the history of the world?" When we say that, are we comparing ourselves to the Visigoths, adjusted for inflation?
- Gov. Ritchie: My view of this is simple: we don't need a Federal Department of Education telling us our children have to learn Esperanto, they have to learn Eskimo poetry. Let the states decide, let the communities decide on health care, on education, on lower taxes, not higher taxes. Now, he's going to throw a big word at you - "unfunded mandate." He's going to say if Washington lets the states do it, it's an unfunded mandate. But what he doesn't like is the federal government losing power. But I call it the ingenuity of the American people.
- Moderator: President Bartlet, you have 60 seconds for a question and an answer.
- Bartlet: Well, first of all, let's clear up a couple of things. "Unfunded mandate" is two words, not one big word. There are times when we're fifty states and there are times when we're one country, and have national needs. And the way I know this is that Florida didn't fight Germany in World War II or establish civil rights. You think states should do the governing wall-to-wall. That's a perfectly valid opinion. But your state of Florida got $12.6 billion in federal money last year - from Nebraskans, and Virginians, and New Yorkers, and Alaskans, with their Eskimo poetry. 12.6 out of a state budget of $50 billion. Now, I'm supposed to be using this time for a question, so here it is: Can we have it back, please?
- Josh: Game on!
- Gov. Ritchie: Now, I want people to work together in this great country, and that's what I did in Florida—I brought people together—and that's what I'll do as your President. End the logjam, end the gridlock, and bring Republicans together with Democrats, 'cause Americans are tired of partisan politics.
- Bartlet: Actually, what you've done in Florida is bring the right together with the far right. And I don't think Americans are tired of partisan politics; I think they're tired of hearing career politicians diss partisan politics to get a gig. I've tried it before. They ain't buying it. That's okay, though...that's okay, though, 'cause partisan politics is good. Partisan politics is what the Founders had in mind. It guarantees that the minority opinion is heard, and as a lifelong possessor of minority opinions, I appreciate it. But if you're troubled by it, Governor, you should know, in this campaign, you've used the word 'liberal' 74 times. In one day. It was yesterday.
- Toby: I'm not sure I can watch anymore...no, wait, I can. I can.
- Moderator: Governor Ritchie, many economists have stated that the tax cut, which is the centerpiece of your economic agenda, could actually harm the economy. Is now really the time to cut taxes?
- Gov. Ritchie: You bet it is. We need to cut taxes for one reason - the American people know how to spend their money better than the federal government does.
- Moderator: Mr. President, your rebuttal.
- Bartlet: There it is. That's the ten word answer my staff's been looking for for two weeks. There it is. Ten-word answers can kill you in political campaigns. They're the tip of the sword. Here's my question: What are the next ten words of your answer? Your taxes are too high? So are mine. Give me the next ten words. How are we going to do it? Give me ten after that, I'll drop out of the race right now. Every once in a while... every once in a while, there's a day with an absolute right and an absolute wrong, but those days almost always include body counts. Other than that, there aren't very many unnuanced moments in leading a country that's way too big for ten words. I'm the President of the United States, not the President of the people who agree with me. And by the way, if the left has a problem with that, they should vote for somebody else.
Election Night
- Sam: We won. We don't have to pander.
- Toby: Please don't say that. I'm not kidding. We haven't won anything yet.
- C.J.: The speech is done.
- Toby: Two speeches are done.
- C.J.: What's the second?
- Toby: I've got a speech if he wins. I've got a speech if he doesn't.
- Sam: You wrote a concession?
- Toby: Of course I wrote a concession. You want to tempt the wrath of whatever from high atop the thing?
- Sam: No.
- Toby: Then go outside, turn around three times, and spit. What the hell is the matter with you?
- Sam: It's like 25 degrees outside. [he sits]
- Toby: Go.
- [Josh enters]
- Josh: Hello.
- C.J.: [in foreign accent] Oh, Mr. Lyman. I see your picture in the magazine. Tell me, if I swallow my ballot, does it still...?
- Josh: A little election day humor-- that's great.
- Sam: He wrote a concession speech.
- Josh: Of course, he wrote a concession speech. Why wouldn't he? What possible reason would he have for not to writing a concession speech?
- Sam: The wrath from high atop the thing.
- Toby: He up and said we were gonna...
- Josh: No, you have to go outside turn around three times and curse.
- Toby: Spit.
- Josh: Spit and curse.
- Toby: Do everything. Go!
- Josh: Go!
- C.J.: Did you—?
- Sam: Yes, I turned, I cursed, I spat, it froze.
- C.J.: Can't be too careful.
- Sam: I think you can.
- C.J.: [to Toby] Listen, I know better than to stick my face in your personal life. Except, you know, for sport.
- Elsie: The die's been cast, big brother. You're making everyone crazy.
- Will: There's a moment, after you cast the die but before it hits the table. Breathe wrong and you'll change the way it lands.
- Abbey: That was wonderful!
- Bartlet: That was fun.
- Abbey: How you feeling?
- Bartlet: I feel great.
- Abbey: You want a glass of water?
- Bartlet: No, I'm fine.
- Abbey: You seem a little dry. Sure you don't want a glass of water?
- Bartlet: No, I feel great.
- Abbey: Maybe I should get you a glass of water, just in case. You could hold it in your hand.
- Bartlet: [pause] How'd you know?
- Abbey: You were off the prompter.
- Bartlet: [A little teary] Just for a second, I couldn't see it.
- Abbey: It's all right. There are going to be more days like this. It starts now. It's going to be harder this time.
- Bartlet: Yeah, I know. We can still have tonight, though, right?
- Abbey: [fighting tears; smiles] You've got lots of nights.
Process Stories
- Sam: She wanted a name for election night and I said, "Use my name," not thinking for a second it was ever going to be a practical option. Can I ask, is your office now The House of the Rising Sun?
- C.J.: Yes.
- Toby: You did it for the widow.
- Sam: Yes, and for a guy I met named Will Bailey who was running the campaign and worked his ass off and never backed off and, by the way, navigated a dead liberal Democrat to a win against Chuck Webb! Five hundred races tonight, that was pretty impressive. Though it was an Aristotelian confluence of events that could only happen to me.
- Bartlet: I don't want to intimidate you, but it turns out I'm the first Democrat in twenty years to make a clean sweep of the Plains states. And I'm not just talking about Iowa and Nebraska.
- Abbey: Are you trying to turn me on now?
- Bartlet: Yeah.
- Abbey: All right.
- Bartlet: I won the Dakotas, the Badlands, the Black Hills... But let's go down, way down, to the Deep South and the humid bayou of Louisiana and its nine electoral votes. What manner of man it must take to win the state, which, by the way, is the only one operating under the Napoleonic Code of France. And I still don't know what that's all about, but back to me...
- Abbey: Hon, this is like, nerd hot talk.
- Bartlet: Who's your Commander in Chief?
- Abbey: You are.
- Bartlet: You're young, Charlie. Don't you want to be having fun right now?
- Charlie: Yes, sir. But I work for you.
- Bartlet: I get that a lot.
- Chris: I told Leo McGarry that. I said education is the silver bullet. That's what this election is about. We went in the field, we came up with the middle class tax cut that made sense, plus, the 100% tax deductible tuition...
- C.J.: Excuse me. Chris Whitaker, right?
- Chris: Yeah, yeah.
- C.J.: Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
- Chris: Well, thank you.
- C.J.: No, please. We're all impressed with how influential you were, particularly when you consider that most of us have never met you! But what I'm most grateful for is the process story, which takes attention from the debate, and focuses it where it belongs, which is the contest. This is the story everyone'll be clamoring for and I like that you're filling that need. And to show my gratitude, I'm calling all the major news outlets and letting them know that I'll be forwarding all your confidential memos to the President, logs of all your calls with him, Secret Service logs of your meetings inside the White House.
- Chris: I really pissed you off, huh?
- C.J.: Don't disrespect Leo McGarry and Bruno Gianelli.
- C.J.: We think you should run.
- Sam: Why? Why would you think something like that?
- C.J.: Well, it was Josh's idea.
- Josh: Actually, it was Amy's.
- Sam: Why?
- Amy: Well, I picked a trifecta with the California 47th, the sheriff's race in Arizona and the Tulsa Family Court.
- Sam: Well, can I just give you the money and not...
- Amy: I also think you'd be a home run choice. You're going to raise a lot of money. I'm going to help you and I have a hunch the President, who just won a landslide, will be making some visits as well. You'll be the best funded Democrat ever run in 47. You're not going to win, so you can't lose.
- Josh: I think you'd energize the state party. We're not going to let you look like a fool. We won't allow it.
- Sam: [to Toby] What do you think?
- Toby: I don't think you should do it. Energizing the state party's good. A well-funded airing of the issues is good. So is mollifying House Democrats, but you have to ask yourself, is it worth it? You're going to lose. A Democrat's always loses in the 47th. Can't just pick up and try someplace else. They have a name for that.
- Sam: I don't know. I don't know. I worked in a state assembly race in Manhattan, in a district where Democrats outnumbered Republicans sixteen to one. But everywhere we went, there'd be one lone poster of a right-wing nutbar who wanted to eliminate the income tax. And he was holding up signs an canvassing everywhere and bugging the local reporters until we had to comment on it. So I introduced myself to his campaign manager and I said 'What are you doing? Your candidate doesn't have a chance. Neither do your issues.' He said 'This is what I believe. And no candidate gets to run in my district without speaking to my issues.' I came this close to voting for him. So... I don't know about what you just said.
- Toby: Then I think you should win.
Swiss Diplomacy
- Bartlet: [loudly] Debbie! First of all where the hell are you and where are my–?
- Debbie: [enters with glasses] Right here, Mr. President. And the Ipswich clams in Chesapeake Bay can hear you bellowing right now.
- Bartlet: Ipswich clams don't come from Chesapeake Bay, they come from Ipswich.
- Debbie: Not anymore.
- Bartlet: [to Leo] Have her beheaded for my birthday.
- Bartlet: This meeting doesn't go in the Sit Room anymore, okay? I don't know why the hell it's here. This isn't a military operation.
- Leo: It's a secure room.
- Bartlet: My office is a secure room, too, isn't it? Please, somebody tell me it is or I gotta go pack some stuff.
- Bartlet: Charlie! Would you pull the first lady out of whatever it is she's doing?
- Charlie: She's with the women's caucus.
- Bartlet: Well put on a helmet and pads and get in there.
- Abbey: Samuel Mudd set Booth's leg after he shot Lincoln. Doctors are liable in this country if they don't treat the patient in front of them.
- Bartlet: Just for the record, this is why we don't talk about foreign policy, which we do, but you don't think we do enough.
- Abbey: Why?
- Bartlet: Because Samuel Mudd was tried and convicted of treason for setting that leg.
- Abbey: So?
- Bartlet: What 'so'?
- Abbey: So that's the way it goes. You set the leg.
- Bartlet: You're going to campaign on prescription drugs?
- Sam: Our prescription drug bill-- yes, sir-- and our Medicare reforms and the Bartlet Energy Plan.
- Bartlet: Sam.
- Sam: Yes, sir?
- Bartlet: It's okay to run away from me when you need to.
- Sam: I would never, Mr. President. I simply would never do that. That's not how I'm getting votes.
- Bartlet: I appreciate that but that's not what I'm talking about. You disagreed with me on Medicare. I remember the meeting right here. Then you wrote a five-page
memo. Run towards yourself. I'm wrong about that. Walk. You're not going to be used to your surroundings.
- Sam: Yes, sir.
- Bartlet: If you lose, you lose. But if you waste this, I'll kill you. I'll just kill you, Sam.
- Sam: Yes, sir.
Arctic Radar
- Toby: Call and response isn't going to work in front of a Joint Session. You're alliteration happy: 'guardians of gridlock,' 'protectors of privilege.' I needed an avalanche of Advil. And when you use pop-culture references, your speech has a shelf life of twelve minutes. You don't mind constructive criticism, do you?
- Will: No, sir.
- Toby: Anyway, thanks for coming in. I told Sam I can do this by myself.
- Will: Well, maybe he thought that your speeches were obscurantist policy tracts lost in a cul-de-sac of their own internal self-righteousness and groaning from the weight of statistics. I'm just speculating. I can't say for sure.
- Toby: [pause; laughs to himself] A 500-word stanza on American leadership in a globally interdependent age that moves beyond triumphalism by this time tomorrow. If it's 501, don't show it to me.
- Charlie: You want me to have the President dodge a call from the UN Secretary-General and not know why?
- Leo: Yeah. Can you swing that?
- Charlie: If I could, that would be troubling, wouldn't it?
- Toby: [to Leo] You're like the guys who say, 'Are you telling me you could only find one African-American speechwriter good enough to work at the White House?' I'm amazed I found that many. 'Good enough to work at the White House' is a pretty small population to begin with. And guys who can write entire sections of a State of the Union? I'd be as surprised if there were as many as nine of us. And Sam was one of them.
- Toby: This is incredibly good... Will. 'Never shrinking from the world's...' '...a fierce belief in what we can achieve together.' I used to write like this. It was ten months ago. I don't understand what's going on. I really don't. I've had slumps before. Everybody does, but this is different. I'm sorry, we don't know each other, but there aren't that many people I can talk to about it. I don't understand what's happening. There's no blood going to it. I never had to locate it before. I don't even know where to look. I'm the President's voice and I don't want it to sound like this. And there's an incredible history to second Inaugurals. 'Fear itself,' Lincoln...I really thought I was on my way to being one of those guys. I thought I was close. Now I'm just writing for my life and you can't serve the President that way. But if I didn't write...I can't serve him at all.
- Will: Yeah. Can I tell you three things? You are more in need of a night in Atlantic City than any man I've ever met. Number two is, the last thing you need to worry about is no blood going there. You've got blood going there, about thirteen ways. And some of it isn't good. Once again, I say, Atlantic City. I'd say sit down at a table, go for dinner, see a show take a walk on the boardwalk and smell the salt air... but if you're anything like me, nothing after 'sit down at a table' is going to happen.
- Toby: What's the third thing?
- Will: You are one of those guys.
- Leo: When you order a guy to go fight, the guy can’t think it’s because you’re sleeping with his wife.
- Bartlet: You’re right.
- Leo: That’s...That’s an unusual phrase for you sir, did you just learn it?
- Bartlet: Well, you didn’t let me finish.
- Leo: I had a hunch.
Holy Night
- Will: [about using Sam's old office] Seriously, Toby, you put me in that office and everyone who works on the speech-writing staff is gonna resent me.
- Toby: Don't be ridiculous. It's a West Wing office. Everyone who works in the White House is gonna resent you.
- Zoey: [about Jean Paul] My dad's going to love him.
- Charlie: Oh, yeah.
- Zoey: Well, I love him, so my father will love him.
- Charlie: That's absolutely the way it works.
- Zoey: So I have to ask you and I'm nervous, but I'd like Jean Paul to come stay with us in Manchester this Christmas.
- Bartlet: Zoey, I think it's really sweet that you still come to me for permission. You're classy and you're old-fashioned.
- Zoey: So it's okay?
- Bartlet: Not in a million years.
- Toby: [to Will] Listen, when you get home tonight you're going to be confronted by the instinct to drink alone. Trust that instinct. Manage the pain. Don't try to be a hero.
- Josh: Danny thinks w-we somehow got a Gulfstream to land in Bermuda, assassinated Shareef, then disassembled the plane and distributed the pieces throughout the Bermuda Triangle?
- C.J.: Yeah.
- Josh: I think he spent too much time in the Africa hot.
- C.J.: The thing is...
- Josh: Yeah?
- C.J.: I'm absolutely certain that's what happened.
Guns Not Butter
- Bartlet: It's the curse of every daughter's father.
- Charlie: Boyfriends?
- Bartlet: I don't like them, I don't like them at all.
- Charlie: Yes, I know sir.
- Bartlet: What the hell happened with you two? It was perfect. I just kept you in the office all the time.
- Charlie: Well, she was unhappy that I was at the office all the time.
- Bartlet: That was the point. If I was trying to make her happy, I'd buy her a Cabriolet.
- Bartlet: I like your sass.
- CJ: You've got a very nice sass yourself... sir.
- Bartlet: What, are you touring?
- CJ: I could.
- Bartlet: Mr. McGarry, Mr. Ziegler, Mr. Lyman, Miss Cregg. It's the Temptations! I love you guys!
- Leo: You only think you've heard everything, but you haven't.
- Bartlet: Hit me.
- Leo: Toby.
- Toby: James Hoebuck will vote yea ten-thirty if we give him $115,000.
- Bartlet: Million?
- Josh: Thousand. $115,000.
- Bartlet: For an RV? What's he want?
- Leo: An NIH study on remote prayer.
- Bartlet: I like it. There should be a button on my desk I can press and forty-nine people instantly pray for me.
- Danny: We cut farm assistance in Colombia. Every single crop we developed was replaced with cocaine. We cut aid for primary education in northwest Pakistan and Egypt; the kids went to madrassahs. Why weren't you making a case that Republican senators are bad on drugs, and bad on national security? Why are Democrats always so bumfuzzled? By the way, sixty-five more flight schools today. Maisy hasn't found your guy. Don't worry. There are thousands more.
- CJ: You know something there, General Tso? If you had a story, you'd write it. If you don't have one, shut up. We just lost a vote. We're not bumfuzzled. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to cancel a photo op with a goat.
- Donna: You took funding for remote prayer to the President?
- Josh: I did it with gusto.
- Donna: That's 'cause you don't know the story of Fishhooks McCarty.
- Josh: Is this a real person or a Donna person?
- Donna: Corrupt politician on the Lower East Side in the '20s. Every morning he stopped at the St. James Church on Oliver Street and said the same prayer, "O Lord, give me health and strength. We'll steal the rest."
- Josh: Not that there needs to be, but... was there a point?
- Donna: You've got health and strength, both of which, coincidentally, I prayed for after hot lead was shot into your body.
- Josh: Yeah... You're going to need some Kryptonite, by the way.
- Donna: Okay, settle down.
- Josh: All right.
- Donna: So you've got health and strength.
- Josh: And we'll steal the rest?
- Donna: Bet your ass.
- Josh: All right. Good work tonight.
The Long Goodbye
- C.J.: [on the phone] No, I didn't mean that you have no social skills, Toby... I'm sorry if you think I was being insensitive to your... I think you're very... you're a very pretty girl, Toby.
- C.J.: Dad... you... cannot expect me to silently do nothing. You're going to require care.
- Tal: I wasn't built for it. You came for the prom, not for this.
- C.J.: Reunion. I'm not going.
- Tal: Coward. That world, the expertise, the solicitude, no. No, thanks. I want to go down with some silence, with my music, with some grace.
- C.J.: I'll quit and take care of you.
- Tal: 'We sail,' said Pascal, 'in a vast sphere,' Claudia Jean, 'ever drifting in uncertainty, driven from end to end.' I'd much rather see you on TV, darling, than sitting opposite me, watching a demolition derby going on in my brain.
- C.J.: My name is C.J. Cregg. As you know, I work for the President of the United States. This is why I was asked to make a short speech for our reunion. It's a terrible subject, a terrible idea: The Promise of a Generation. So bad I was going to start off with a joke and fill the whole thing in with more jokes. But I find the topic has gotten under my skin while I wasn't paying attention because every generation has promise and every generation fails that promise in some respects. How can we not? What is promise if not something that's impossible to live up to? My boss had to recently make his case to the American people that he was worth reelecting and it was not an easy process - nor should it be. And in its wake, I've been thinking a lot about civility, civic duty and kindness, and how pervasive and powerful they are. How enduringly pervasive those qualities are in American life and how I see them all around me day after day. America's a terribly difficult idea filled with promise and impossible to live up to. Promise is inchoate and promise is what binds us. Some of us died, some got sick, some got rich, some had bad luck, some of us were fortunate, more than others. But failed promise only truly fails when it leads to lowered expectation.
Inauguration, Part I
- Bartlet: I have a problem.
- Josh: Well, you're about to propose the most massive shift in foreign policy since the Marshall Plan and it's going to be wildly unpopular.
- Bartlet: All right: two problems.
- Donna: Tickets came.
- Josh: For?
- Donna: The balls.
- Josh: Could you handle mine for me until it's over?
- Donna: Yeah.
- Josh: Thanks.
- Donna: Know what Jack will be wearing? A saber.
- Josh: God, Donna, please tell me that's not the only thing he's wearing.
- Donna: No, he'll be wearing his dress blues, Warfare pin, Submarine Officer pin, two Commendation Medals, Meritorious Unit, Purple Heart, Bronze cross...and a saber.
- Josh: ...I'll be wearing a tuxedo from Gary's.
- Bryce: This President can't write himself a blank check when it comes to foreign policy. Especially this President.
- Will: 'Especially this President?'
- Bryce: Yes.
- Will: Because of the clause in Article 1 that says not every President gets the full powers of Commander-in-Chief?
- Bryce: Are you re-writing the section [of the speech]?
- Will: Yes.
- Bryce: Dramatically?
- Will: Well, I like to think that I have a certain flair...
- Toby: I throw a rubber ball against the window; that means you come to me. As my frustration level grows, so does the velocity of the ball against the window.
- Will: Don't you ever worry about the window breaking?
- Toby: During moments of peak frustration: when the Speaker of the House threatened to repeal the 16th Amendment, a couple of Yankee games, and when Congress censured my boss...but it's always held up, that window; that window is a game-day player.
- C.J.: [to Carol] Stop trying to get us together, okay? If I wanted Danny, I could have him. And he's still a jackass from the foreign-ops vote and many other things, so tell him I'm getting my hair done.
- Danny: Your hair looks great.
- C.J.: [to Carol] There was no way you could tell me he was right behind me? You couldn't fit that in?
- Toby: This language proposes a new doctrine for the use of force! That we use force, whenever we see an injustice we want to correct: like Mother Teresa with first-strike capability!
- Will: Damn right!
Inauguration, Over There
- Will: I heard once - I don't know if this is true - I heard once that you convinced the President to let you rewrite a section of the State of the Union with less than twenty-four hours to go. It was the second year and everybody was a Republican, whether they were or not, and people at the DNC had convinced him to include the line, 'The era of big government is over.' And you couldn't live with it. Because government should be a place where people come together and no one gets left behind. An instrument of good. And that's exactly what we heard in the State of the Union the next night.
- Toby: There were maybe four people in the room when I had that conversation.
- Will: Well, if I'd have been one of them, I would have repeated it to everyone I met.
- Bartlet: Charlie, I'm gonna change my mind again on the Bible.
- Charlie: [ironically] Mr. President, you have to imagine my utter surprise.
- Bartlet: Aren't you afraid that one day I'm just gonna kick your ass like it's never been kicked?
- Toby: We're not talking about the President going to Asia or the President going to Rwanda or the President going to Qumar. We're talking about the President sending other people's kids to do it.
- C.J.: That's always what we're talking about. And in addition to being somebody's kids, they're also soldiers and sailors, and if we're about freedom from tyranny, we should be about freedom from tyranny, and if we're not, we should shut up!
- Bartlet: We're for freedom of speech everywhere. We're for freedom to worship everywhere. We're for freedom to learn... for everybody. And because in our time, you can build a bomb in your country and bring it to my country, what goes on in your country is very much my business. And so we are for freedom from tyranny, everywhere, whether in the guise of political oppression, Toby, or economic slavery, Josh, or religious fanaticism, C.J. That most fundamental idea cannot be met with merely our support. It has to be met with our strength. Diplomatically, economically, materially. And if Pharaoh still don't free the slaves, then he gets the plagues or my cavalry, whichever gets there first. The USTR will go crazy and say that we're not considering global trade. Committee members will go crazy and say I haven't consulted enough. And the Arab world will just go indiscriminately crazy. No country has ever had a doctrine of intervention when only humanitarian interests were at stake. That streak's gonna end Sunday at noon.
- Bartlet: Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful and committed people can change the world. Do you know why?
- Will: Because it's the only thing that ever has.
The California 47th
- Bartlet: Leo said just now that there was going to be an NEC briefing on scoring and...tell her what I said.
- Leo: 'What's wrong with booze and a comfortable pickup?'
- Debbie: No, I see there's no hour too early for your Noel Cowardesque wit, sir.
- Ambassador Tiki: Mr. President, the U.S. is trampling on the sovereignty of my country and on behalf of Nzele–
- Bartlet: I've just taken your airport... clearing the way for the 101st Air Assault to take the capitol. Seven thousand troops, twenty-five battle tanks, fifteen Apache attack helicopters, and three destroyers. Strictly speaking, I conquered your country without the paperwork.
- Aide: Kundu is in the midst of a civil war.
- Bartlet: No, it's not. It's in the midst of a one-sided slaughtering of an entire people. Both the Secretary General of the United Nations and the Vatican have pleaded with President Nzele for a cease-fire and both the U.N. and the Holy Father have struck out to the peril of 115,000 Induye men, women, and God knows children, particularly the boys.
- Aide: Who will soon be men and will rise up...
- Bartlet: The heads of Ghana, Nigeria and Zaire have similarly sent packing. The Red Cross has been denied entry on three separate occasions in the last ten days. President Nzele has 36 hours to give the command to his troops to hand over their weapons to the 82nd Airborne Division of the United States Army. At 36 hours and -one minute-, I give the order for the 101st Air Assault to take Bitanga and run up our flag. I skipped breakfast. Anybody want coffee or something?
- C.J.: Don't be fooled: they love us in Orange County. They're crazy-go-nuts for the President – really, the whole Democratic Party in general. I think they really like it when we come to town. When we were there last month, we were working the crowd, and some young boys – worried, possibly, that I couldn't afford fruits and vegetables on a government salary – tossed me some of their own.
- Josh: You want to go to Orange County?
- C.J.: I think we have to go. [to Bartlet] Even though there's $1,300 with your name on it if you don't make me go with you.
- Toby: Get over the dress, would you?
- C.J.: It was a suit, and they hit me with an avocado!
- Toby: It could have been worse.
- C.J.: How?
- Toby: They could have hit me.
- Toby: Listen to me. We've got all kinds of atmospheric cabin pressure up here. We're a little late, so the Colonel's put the hammer down in a 747. You've got wind shear, downdraft, massive turbulence, not to mention four giant engines burning jet fuel at galactic temperatures. We're standing in a flying death tube! [people look up] No, not the rest of y-y-you, it's just my family. It's fine. Look...
- Andy: What do you want me to do, step off?
- Toby: Also, you've got twins in there; you're basically a minivan. How are you fitting into a seat?
- Andy: Uh-uh... I saw him first, girls.
Red Haven's on Fire
- Abbey: How did you live with Josh Lyman?
- Amy: I'm sorry?
- Abbey: How did you live with him? He beat Max out of the 12 million earmarked for vaccine education. And when I said I wanted the 12 million he said "So did I. And at the end of a prize-fight, you look at the guy who's dancing around and that's who won"? So I wanna know how you lived with him.
- Amy: We never technically lived together which was the subject of many–
- Abbey: Don't you wanna kill him when he says things like that?
- Amy: My problem is I wanna jump him when he says things like that.
- Abbey: Where'd you get your mouth?
- Amy: Brown, then Yale Law School.
- Sam: [in jail] How'd you call Josh? Didn't they take your cell phone from you?
- Toby: [motioning to a group of prostitutes] I used theirs.
- Sam: So on a call-girl's phone bill, there's gonna be a call to Air Force One?
- Toby: You really gonna be teaching a seminar on call-girl caution? Really?
- Toby: It made the news out there?
- Will: A Jewish guy won a bar fight. It's news everywhere.
- CJ: [about the First Lady's speech] You should tell her not to talk about the House vote.
- Charlie: You want me to tell Mrs. Bartlet she's going to look like a dilettante?
- CJ: I once had to tell the President he was wearing two different shoes.
- Charlie: That's roughly the same.
- Toby: [to Sam] You're gonna lose, and you're gonna lose huge. They're gonna throw rocks at you next week, and I wanted to be standing next to you when they did.
Privateers
- Abbey: So we're for freedom of speech everywhere but poor countries, where they can have our help, but only if they live up to Clancy Bangert's moral standards? What the hell kind of free world are you running?
- Bartlet: I really don't know, Abbey. The day hasn't started yet.
- Company Guy: We don't make chemicals, Toby. We make ideas.
- Toby: Uh huh. But what do you sell?
- Company Guy: Chemicals.
- Charlie: Do you have a girlfriend?
- Will: No.
- Charlie: When was the last time you did?
- Will: About nine months ago.
- Charlie: How long did it last?
- Will: About two days. In my defense, though, she was psycho.
- Charlie: So why are you giving me relationship help?
- Will: Because I'm the only one in this conversation who didn't get a Dear John email from his ex-girlfriend's boyfriend.
- Charlie: God, that's really true, isn't it?
- Amy: Am I being hazed? Is this a hazing? 'Cause I'll go along and everything, but I have to see Josh...
- Will: It's not a hazing. They don't do that. [feels in his pocket] Except... yes, you put olives in my jacket again.
- CJ: I did, I did do that. But this is on the level.
- Zoey: Are you going to do what I asked in the email?
- Charlie: No.
- Zoey: You just refuse.
- Charlie: I do. I refuse, respectfully.
- Zoey: You can't refuse and be respectful at the same time.
- Charlie: Watch me. Ask again.
- Zoey: Stop pursuing me.
- Charlie: Respectfully, no.
- Zoey: Why?
- Charlie: 'Cause I'm in love with you, and that's the way it goes.
Angel Maintenance
- Will: There's a Festival of Lights and Bonfires in this region that accompanies something called the Wildflower, you know, Renaissance, with lilac and ochre.
- Reporter: That you can see from thirty-three thousand feet?
- Will: Yes, it's arranged in a pattern that befuddles astronomers to this day. We should be coming up on it any...
- Chris: Oh my God!
- Will: Of course, on the right side of the plane, there's an F-16 Falcon.
- Josh: Stopping all bipartisan legislation is like saying 'Let's blow up the place. Maybe voters'll hire us to rebuild it.'
- Leo: By the way, not for nothing, but draftees aren't nearly as well trained. It's why there were so many casualties in Vietnam.
- Toby: Right. Also, the Vietcong.
- Leo: Plus that.
- C.J.: It's okay, you're afraid of flying.
- Will: I'm not afraid of flying. I... experience flying.
- Katie: If there is an issue of national security, isn't it also a national issue for everyone down there?
- Reporter: In other words, turn on the damn phones.
- C.J.: Someone ask Steve what time it is; it's going to crack you up!
- Reporter: C.J....
- C.J.: How is it a threat to anyone on the ground?
- Steve: Air Force One generally doesn't break all by itself.
- C.J.: Steve...
- Steve: Claudia, in a room someplace, they're talking about the possibility that the plane was sabotaged.
- C.J.: By screwing with the front wheel?
- Mark: If the malfunction is because of a leak in the hydraulics, and they try to recycle the gear, the front end of the plane's gonna blow up.
- C.J.: No, you're right, I should definitely let you use the phones.
Evidence of Things Not Seen
- Josh: Your sense of humor's a bit of a high wire act isn't it? You're really trying to thread the needle.
- Donna: And half of it you don't even get.
- Bartlet: [after shots were fired at the White House] Where's Charlie?
- Leo: He's somewhere in the building.
- Butterfield: We're holding people where they are right now.
- Bartlet: But if he's heard what happened, he's going to be trying to get here...
- Butterfield: We've got to hold everybody for a moment so that we can secure...
- Bartlet: No, I'm telling you that if Charlie heard there were bullets, he's going to overpower whoever's trying to...
- [Charlie bursts through the door]
- Charlie: [pause] Sorry, Mr. President.
- Bartlet: Come here.
- [Charlie moves to stand beside him]
- Bartlet: It's bulletproof glass in the windows, okay. You want to kill me, you're going to have to do it from inside the building.
- Charlie: [sighs] Thank you, Mr. President.
- Josh: I got a letter today that said, uh... "You're a lying liar. You lie almost as well as Bartlet." You know, black-white, rich-poor, north-south, odd-even. There may not be anything anymore that outpaces the hatred the right feels for the left or the tonnage of disrespect the left feels for the right. Donna got a letter yesterday that said, "I'm collecting all the guns you've banned, and there's a bullet with your name on it in each one." Donna. The guy's decided to focus his wrath on Donna. He's never met Donna or spoken to her, and he's never met anyone who's met Donna or spoken to her. How's it possible? How's it possible that he hates her so much? How can you not like Donna? She's from Wisconsin! Anyway, 20,000 specific threats made against U.S. targets every year, and with all that, it's still the ones who don't give you advance notice that you're worried about.
- Will: Two guys in the silo. The launch sequence went on for two minutes before they had confirmation it was a meteor. But the two guys were debating with Airborne Launch Control and the Cheyenne Mountain Operations Center and that gets sticky. This is missile defense. This stuff has to work.
- Toby: And they're sending in a team of lawyers to look into it.
- Will: Yeah, but we're scrappy.
- Toby: [laughs] A meteor fell from the sky the result being two guys are going to get court-martialed. The only two guys who apparently thought it was strange that North Korea would attack submarines in Connecticut instead of say, San Diego or Hawaii. And if it had been a real attack? Would they still have been doing point/counterpoint with NORAD?
- [Will shrugs]
- Toby: We failed both on a mechanical and human level. So tell me again what you have faith in.
- C.J.: Us.
- Toby: Why?
- C.J.: Because with what little free time he has, Will is going to Wyoming to defend one of these guys and I don't think it is failing on a human level.
- Will: [from Leo's computer] Okay, I've searched "equinox" and "egg," and the news isn't good for the believers.
- C.J.: What sites did they send you to?
- Will: ThingsThatAreWrong.com.
- C.J.: There's no such site.
- Will: Read it!
- C.J.: "This has to be one of the silliest misconceptions around and it never seems to die."
- Will: They also send you to the Apocryphal Zone and Project Astro Utah.
- C.J.: There are no web sites supporting it?
- Toby: And you gotta ask yourself, if no one on the Internet wants a piece of this, just how far from the pack have you strayed?
Life on Mars
- Joe: I know that when life expectancy goes up, that's not victimizing undertakers.
- C.J.: Well argued, though I do hate you and everything you stand for.
- Joe: Claudia Jean, you've only known me for four minutes. Usually it takes people the better part of an hour to hate me and everything I stand for.
- C.J.: I'm the Press Secretary, Boo-Boo. I don't have that kind of time.
- Will: I came in to show you the spots and to tell you I think we should run a counter-ad. I don't have an idea for one.
- Toby: Well get one! Have an idea! Don't come in here with half a thing and not be able to - you know, after you've walked me to the brink, and say 'we've got to do this, it's important, though I have no earthly idea how.' Like one of those guys who buys a big new thing, but doesn't really know how to get the most out of it!
- Will: Toby, either get Andy to marry you, or kill yourself.
- Toby: [pause] Yeah.
- Donna: So, you're our new sawbones.
- Joe: A sawbones is a doctor.
- Donna: Is it?
- Joe: Yeah. Lawyer's a shyster.
- Donna: [to Josh] I got him to say it.
- Joe: I don't... Josh is a lawyer.
- Donna: Well, yeah, I mean he went to law school, but...
- [Josh looks at her.]
- Donna: You don't practice law is all I was saying.
- Josh: I don't practice law? I help write the laws, I write the laws, I make the laws, I am the law.
- Charlie: Are you eating a salad?
- Toby: Yeah.
- Charlie: Why?
- Toby: 'Cause I am.
- Charlie: I don't think I've ever seen you eat a salad. What kind of salad is it?
- Toby: I don't know.
- Charlie: Just mixed greens?
- Toby: I don't know what kind of salad it is, I'm eating a salad, okay? I'm doing it, do I have to know the names? There's no difference between them, it's a bowl of weeds!
- [Charlie looks at Toby silently]
- Toby: Some of them have cheese, this isn't the kind with cheese, does that answer your question?
- [Charlie continues to look at Toby silently]
- Toby: How many years have you guys been 'Toby, you eat like a teenager.' 'Toby, that's red meat.' 'That's your second cigar.' Here I am, eating this salad, which, by the way, you could cover this thing in barbecue sauce and it still tastes like the ground, and I'm getting heckled from the gallery! Who wanted to come in here and eat his roast beef sandwich with ketchup on a kaiser roll and watch the damn tennis on my TV! That's all I'm saying.
- Charlie: Man, Toby, you're really doing everything you can do to get that woman to marry you.
- Leo: [to Hoynes] You're a giant, John. You're a US Senator, the Vice-President of the United States, and presumptive nominee of your party. You cannot be taken down by this... cheap person and her customers huddled around Macy's window waiting for someone to turn themselves inside out. It's cause for divorce, not resignation. You cannot be taken down by this cheap person.
- Hoynes: The President knows I'm right. So do you. The truth is, I took an oath, too... so...
- Bartlet: Didn't you have any sense that this was the kind of person who would do this?
- Hoynes: Hasn't it been your experience that they look pretty much like the people who wouldn't?
Commencement
- Bartlet: [about Zoey's Secret Service detail] Well, here's my question: these guys look pretty young to me, and I'm looking for something very specific. This is a father-daughter situation, and so I think what I'm looking for in terms of protection would best be characterized as... well, overwhelming force. Do they have that? Do they have the ability to just overwhelm any danger that might...do you have overwh– [To Butterfield] Do they have overwhelming force?
- Butterfield: Attack, Wesley.
- [Agent Wesley attempts to attack a female agent, who proceeds to throw him to the ground and put a handgun to his head. Zoey enters during.]
- Bartlet: Wow!
- Zoey: Oh God, Dad, what are you doing?
- Bartlet: This one here tossed Wesley like a sack of potato chips!
- Will: We just wrote 3900 words in five hours.
- [[w:Abbey Bartlet|Abbey]: It's terrific so far.
- Will: Later, he quotes Cicero, Thomas Aquinas, and Rudy Vallée in the space of two pages.
- Abbey: How does he connect them?
- Will: Three people you've never heard of.
- Abbey: It's about creativity?
- Will: This speech is about creativity. In my judgment it's a home run. But what it isn't is a speech that will convince Zoey not to go to France tomorrow.
- Bartlet: Well, let's write that one!
- Danny: You want to comment on a wire report that says that the President lifted his gown and groped himself during the Invocation?
- C.J.: Yeah, that was a troubling moment, but he had to get his napkin.
- Butterfield: We have a situation. We're up at black, and procedurally, the Chief of Staff is told before--
- Leo: What happened?
- Butterfield: Zoey Bartlet... is missing, and there's a dead agent at the scene.
Twenty-Five
- Leo: Do not get into a discussion of the President's emotional state. You have to pivot whatever you get to Commander-in-Chief.
- C.J.: Yeah.
- Leo: You have to pivot whatever you get to Commander-in-Chief.
- C.J.: Yeah.
- Leo: Congressional leadership's been notified. We'll have statements inside an hour.
- C.J.: Carol gave me that.
- Will: Excuse me.
- Leo: We're in control. The government is functioning. This is the most important press conference of your life.
- Bartlet: I need you to tell me now: do you think she's already dead?
- Leo: I absolutely do not.
- Bartlet: If they show me a picture of her alive and tell me to aim cruise missiles at Tel Aviv, they're counting on the fact that a father--
- Leo: But you wouldn't.
- Bartlet: I might.
- Leo: There are people around you who won't let you.
- Bartlet: How about a picture they've got a knife to her throat; get out of Saudi Arabia?
- Leo: You shouldn't think of images like that.
- Bartlet: All I can think of are images like that...Leo, the people you just named don't have the legal authority to stop me from doing certain things, and some of them would go to jail if they didn't follow my orders. Very quietly, I want you to assemble the Cabinet. I want you to call the Speaker of the House.
- Toby: [to his twin newborns] I didn't realize babies come with hats. You guys crack me up. You don't have jobs, you can't walk or speak the language, you don't have a dollar in your pockets, but you got yourselves a hat, so everything's fine. I don't want to alarm you or anything, but I'm Dad. And for you, son, for you this will be the last time I pass the buck, but I think it should be clear from the get-go that it was Mom who named you Huckleberry. I guess she was feeling like life doesn't present enough challenges to overcome on its own. And honey, you've got a name now, too. Your mom and I named you after an incredibly brave, uh... An incredibly brave woman. Really not all that much older than you. Your name is Molly. Huck... and Molly. So, what do I do? Well, you're going to need food and clothes and doctors and dentists... there's that. And should you have any questions along the way... I'm going to be doing stuff like this, Huck, 'cause you're leaking a little bit out of your mouth there. You holding my finger, son? Hey Molly, your brother's holding my hand. You wanna hold my hand?
- Leo: He's invoking the 25th Amendment. He's invoking twenty-five.
- Josh: Really?
- Leo: Yes.
- C.J.: Is his mind made up?
- Leo: He's with the Cabinet now. Where did everyone come down?
- C.J.: Josh and I were on the fence. We don't know what Will thinks.
- Will: The President temporarily handing over power to his political enemy? I think it's a fairly stunning act of patriotism... and a fairly ordinary act of fatherhood.
- Leo: Yeah, I do too.
- Walken: Franz Ferdinand, who was the nephew of the Austro-Hungarian emperor, was killed by a group called the Black Hand. And because they were a Serbian nationalist society, the empire declared war on Serbia. Then Russia, which was bound by a treaty, was forced to mobilize, which meant that Germany had to declare war on Russia. Then France declared war on Germany, and that was World War I. Because the emperor's nephew was killed. Now I thought y'all had some good ideas, but somebody ought to make it clear to the people in this room that someone is in charge.
- Bartlet: Glen, they've been up all night...
- Walken: [turns to Bartlet] You're relieved, Mr. President.
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- Josh: I think we made a mistake.
- Donna: What?
- Josh: Letting the President step aside.
- Will: Have you been watching CNN, MSNBC? Even FOX is treating it as a seminar on the resiliency of the Constitution.
- Josh: The President's daughter is probably tied up in the back of a gas station. We have no idea how this is playing.
- Will: He showed he's a leader, nobly embracing his own flawed humanity.
- Josh: Lincoln and Kennedy had children who died. They didn't take a sabbatical.
- Toby: Who's been calling?
- Josh: Congressional leadership.
- Toby: Lincoln never got a ransom note from Jefferson Davis. He's putting country before family. I'd carpet bomb Mecca to get my kids back.
- Josh: What if they like Walken better? What if he seems more presidential? What if they want Walken to stay?
- Will: In a few days, President Bartlet turns the second letter over to Congress.
- Josh: What if it doesn't take a few days? What if it takes a few weeks, a few months? What if she's never found?
- Walken: They didn't try to cover their tracks?
- Mike Casper: No, sir. They don't care if we know who they are. They don't plan on being alive in a few days.
- Walken: What do you want to hit, Admiral?
- Adm. Fitzwallace: Kazir training camps.
- Dr. McNally: The Qumaris say those are religious schools.
- Adm. Fitzwallace: They're terrorist training camps masquerading as religious schools. We traced Kaleel to Zachari Faruk, leader of the camps.
- Walken: They close to anything?
- Dr. McNally: Villages, hospitals, a food distribution center.
- Adm. Fitzwallace: We're suggesting AGM-88 HARMs. We'll hit what we're aiming for.
- Dr. McNally: This is a long-term ally in a highly volatile region.
- Adm. Fitzwallace: Bombing Tripoli stopped Libya.
- Dr. McNally: It's more likely to strengthen the resolve of the terrorists and topple a moderate Islamic regime.
- Leo: If we bomb the camps, don't the kidnappers murder Zoey Bartlet?
- Walken: Or it sends a message: kill her or don't, the United States does not negotiate with terrorists.
- Bob Slattery: Our European allies are going to go crazy. They have billions tied up in oil and natural gas pipelines in Qumar.
- Walken: Screw the Europeans. They've had years to get the Qumaris to get their house in order. What are the chances Zoey Bartlet's still alive?
- Casper: Hard to say, but I think yes she probably is. They'll want to milk this for all its worth.
- Walken: Get your people in place, Admiral. We don't go today unless we're provoked. [to Casper] Find her and find her fast. But if Zoey Bartlet turns up dead, I'm going to blow the hell out of something, and God only knows what.
- Bartlet: You really should go home. You work for the President. He's going to need you down there.
- Charlie: I work for you. Someone else can show him where the Xerox paper is.
- Bartlet: You do a lot more than that.
- Charlie: Thank you, sir, but I'd prefer to stay here with you.
- Democrat Woman: Walken can spend his entire presidency channel surfing in the Lincoln Bedroom. You said to the country, Democrats can't handle security.
- Democrat Man #1: If you want to save a spotted owl, vote Democratic. If you want your kid saved, sorry, we'll be doing the crossword.
- Leo: President Bartlet is protecting kids by ensuring that decisions are made based on relevant intel, not on a distraught father's clouded emotions.
- Democrat Woman: If any emotions are clouded, Leo, it's yours. Let's face it, Leo. You've always been too close to Bartlet.
- Democrat Man #2: It's your job to buck him up, Leo. To help him make the tough decisions. The presidency isn't a vanity exercise.
- Leo: Who's doing electoral math on the back of a napkin in the middle of a national crisis?
- Democrat Woman: You single-handedly ended the Imperial Presidency.
- Democrat Man #1: You've elevated Walken and the Republicans. You've made them into genuine players on the world stage.
- Leo: I didn't elevate them. The Presidential Succession Act of 1947 did. And I'm not prepared to think about politics while we're under terrorist attack. The Republic comes first. That's why Truman wanted the Speaker third in line.
- Democrat Woman: Truman wanted the Speaker third in line because he used to drink bourbon with Sam Rayburn.
- Leo: The only thing I find extraordinary about that is that a member of the executive branch actually wanted to share a drink with a member of Congressional leadership. [standing up] Thank you for coming by to show your concerns. And I'll be sure to pass them on to President Bartlet.
- Walken: You know I'm not the enemy. The things that unite us are far greater than things that divide us. We both believe in democracy, preservation of American values, protection of our citizens in a sometimes hostile world.
- C.J.: Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness?
- Walken: Yeah.
- C.J.: That's what's in your statement?
- Walken: Something like that.
The Dogs of War
- Leo: So, where are we?
- Angela Blake: Tomorrow's New York Times CNN poll has his approval rating up to 76%.
- Leo: And in ten days?
- Angela Blake: His numbers are gonna crater. Not level off, crater, like a failed Mars probe. Today it's, "He lost his daughter. What a shame. We're pulling for him." and in two weeks, it'll be, "I don't want a President I have to pull for."
- Leo: He did what was constitutionally appropriate. He upheld his oath.
- Angela Blake: If you want a constitutional debate, you should call the Dean of Columbia Law. Our guy quit when things got tough. Josh must be going nuts.
- Leo: He thinks we need to put a poll in the field.
- Angela Blake: The White House can't be caught putting a poll in the field. [pause] Okay. I'll call you when it's done. We need photos, Bartlet on the phone with world leaders, conferring with military advisors, looking resolute.
- Leo: He won't do it.
- Angela Blake: You've been a good friend to him, Leo, but you have other responsibilities. The people need to believe that when he comes back, he'll be able to govern effectively, even if he can't secure the safety of his own family. They need to know he's willing to sacrifice his own child's life for his country.
- Leo: Would you be?
- Angela Blake: I wasn't stupid enough to run for President.
- Walken: Deficit projections don't look great. We're gonna need a stimulus package.
- Leo: Or revenue enhancements.
- Walken: Significant tax cuts. Reduction in discretionary spending. You have something on your mind, Leo?
- Leo: So, now what?
- Walken: You have a suggestion?
- Leo: This office isn't always about doing something. Most of the time it's about not doing something.
- Walken: Steve, give us a minute.
- [Steve leaves.]
- Walken: What's your point?
- Leo: You're meeting with Republican leadership again without any Democrats or Cabinet members present?
- Walken: What are you accusing us of?
- Leo: You weren't elected to this office.
- Walken: Neither were you!
- Leo: I have a responsibility to President Bartlet and...
- Walken: Don't lecture me about the responsibilities of this office!
- Leo: Then start acting like you understand them!
- Walken: If you're uncomfortable serving as my Chief of Staff, Leo, then feel free to recuse yourself until I'm gone.
- Leo: Thank you, sir.
- Bartlet: We started this, Leo.
- Leo: This isn't about Shareef.
- Bartlet: You're right; it's not. It's about our allowing situations in these countries to develop in the first place.
- Leo: I'm not gonna let you do this.
- Bartlet: We choose the order and certainty of petty despots over the uncertainty and chaos of developing democracies.
- Leo: Shareef ordered the assassination of women and children. He wasn't a nationalist or a fledgling Democrat. He was a cold-blooded murderer.
- Bartlet: Six more American boys are dead.
- Leo: And that doesn't make you angry?
- Bartlet: [yelling] Of course that makes me angry! [pause] "The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral. Returning violence with violence only multiplies violence adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars."
- Leo: Dr. King.
- Bartlet: I'm part of that darkness now, Leo. When did that happen?
- Leo: Dr. King wasn't wrong. He just didn't have your job.
- Josh: [reading] "This isn't about partisan politics. It's about what's best for the country. However long this crisis lasts we're fortunate to have President Walken here to lead us." That's a great quote.
- Steve Atwood: Thanks.
- Josh: "However long this crisis lasts..." That's a nice...turn of phrase. Of course, a more accurate description of that period of time would be "Till President Bartlet signs the second letter and boots Walken's fat ass out of our White House."
- Steve Atwood: What the hell are you going on about?
- Josh: You're campaigning in the middle of a national tragedy. Zoey Bartlet's out in the field, breathing through a straw; you're test-driving sound bites for the next election? Straight answer, Steve, once in your life. What are you guys up to? Closed-door meetings, planting quotes in the Times... What's next? Spontaneous speeches on the House floor questioning President Bartlet's fitness to lead?
- Steve Atwood: You don't get it, do you? Republicans are in awe of Bartlet. He recused himself in the only way he could. In the way envisioned by the Constitution.
- Josh: None of the framers were afraid of the President's daughter being kidnapped at musket-point.
- Steve Atwood: The whole notion of the 25th Amendment is that the institution matters more than the man. Bartlet's decision was even more self-sacrificing because he willingly gave power to his opposition.
- Josh: The institution may matter more, but it's your guy protecting it, not ours.
- Steve Atwood: A truly self-sacrificing act usually involves some sacrifice.
- Josh: So now you're going to nail us to the cross?
- Steve Atwood: No. You beat the terrorists at their own game. We're not stupid, Josh. We try to use this to our advantage, it'll blow up in our faces. We'd seem callous and unfeeling, in contrast to Bartlet's extraordinary gesture of courage and patriotism. And anyone who thinks otherwise, has a particularly craven way of looking at politics.
- Bartlet: [his speech after Zoey is found] The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. Words I did not fully understand until our daughter was taken from us three days ago. But now we can rejoice and be glad, for that which was lost has been found. That my child is back in her mother's arms is serendipity and grace, a second chance that will not slip through our fingers again. I wish I could tell you there is some new policy, some new weapons system, a silver bullet perhaps that could meet this moment, that could keep us safe from the terror that is now among us. But if I were to say that I'd be lying. All I can promise you is that I will fight with every fiber of my being, with every weapon in our arsenal, and with every ounce of God's grace to keep us strong, and free, and safe.
Jefferson Lives
- Josh: [about Haffley] What the hell just...
- Leo McGarry: Will. In the Oval, and grab C.J.
- Josh: We just... we got tagged. [They walk into the Outer Oval Office.] Idiot thinks he tagged us.
- Toby: He did.
- ...
- Josh: He's bluffing.
- Will: We don't blink.
- Leo: What the hell is he thinking? Is he just in over his head?
- Josh: He's an idiot. And he's bluffing.
- Will: We put up Berryhill and we wait for the Republicans to self-destruct.
- C.J.: If we have the time.
- Josh: He's an idiot, he's bluffing, and we're going to destroy him.
- Leo: You worried about it leaking or are you worried about our numbers?
- C.J.: Both. How long can we spin this so our numbers hold? If it drags on and gets ugly and people have time to worry...
- Toby: We've got a fight; with this list it's a joke. August Adar would bore the country into a stupor and Starkey is, forgive me, sir, more likely to keel over in the next three years than you are.
- Josh: That's what Haffley's counting on. The longer he drags this out, the longer he's next in line.
- Will: Diane Frost is a serious name.
- Josh: Diane is a serious loon of the left.
- Toby: I love Diane Frost. I'd marry Diane Frost if I were a member of her stated sexual preference, but Diane is the definition of unelectable.
- Josh: That's their agenda: sniper anyone who looks hard to beat next time around.
- C.J.: I thought this choice wasn't about partisan politics.
- Josh: It is now.
- Debbie: Mrs. Bartlet, I can't tell you how hard I prayed for you.
- Abbey: I appreciate that.
- Debbie: Well, you shouldn't. I'm not very religious. So there's the risk that my praying could be taken as insincere or even an affront, which, if it's a vengeful God, could have made matters worse.
- Abbey: Well, it didn't, so maybe there's a clue.
- Leo: I hadn't heard you were thinking about New Hampshire. That might be the best...
- Abbey: I moved the meeting up because I didn't want you here.
- Leo: In the meeting?
- Abbey: In the Residence.
- Leo: Yeah. I've been trying to... I thought... you need some space.
- Abbey: She's back. She's safe. She's going to stay safe.
- Leo: We all want what's best for Zoey.
- Abbey: You laid us open. You laid me and my daughters wide open. And God knows what else there is that I don't know about.
- Leo: There is nothing else.
- Abbey: I swear to God, Leo, don't... 72 hours; the bruises aren't even... did you see her face? For God's sake, don't ask me to trust you.
- Leo: I'm not.
- Abbey: And don't think you took the bullet. I blame Jed. He did this.
- Will: Wait, the Democrats actually like the list?
- Josh: They aren't wild about Berryhill. Donna!
- Toby: Our esteemed Minority Leader thinks it's not a bluff and we won't win a battle in the House.
- Josh: Our esteemed Minority Leader is running for President in three years. Donna, get me Leo!
- Ryan: [pokes his head in] Donna went to the bathroom.
- Josh: She's not allowed to do that. Just get me Leo.
- Ryan: Uh, Leo McGarry?
- Josh: Yes, Leo McGarry.
- C.J.: [enters] They leaked the list; the Starkey Russell list.
- Will: Is that bad? It makes Berryhill look even better.
- Toby: Guys, we can't confirm Berryhill.
- C.J.: We can't?
- Will: We're having trouble with the Democrats.
- C.J.: Wow. Along with the Republicans, that's kind of everyone.
- Toby: We've got to move on.
- Josh: Move on? We don't move on from our first post-Walken showdown. This is the single, most defining decision the President makes.
- Toby: No kidding. And time's running out and if we don't find someone they'll confirm by tomorrow...
- C.J.: We had other names.
- Ryan: [comes back in] Hey, uh, sorry. Does anyone know Mr. McGarry's extension?
- Bartlet: Are you a horseman Bob? I'm looking at your boots.
- Russell: Oh, I love to ride. You?
- [Bartlet shakes his head.]
- Bartlet: My youngest daughter is the one with the talent.
- Russell: Praise the good Lord for her safe return.
- Bartlet: We do.
- Russell: No, I wear these boots, um... Oh, I could give you some crap about remembering my roots, but I wear these because I've got flat feet and they don't hurt my arches.
- Bartlet: Well, thank you for coming by on such short notice.
- [They stand.]
- Russell: Uh, let me go on the record. If you were to offer the job, I would be honored.
- Bartlet: Thank you.
- Russell: But I would need a couple of things.
- Bartlet: Oh?
- Russell: I wasn't close enough to say for sure about your relationship with John Hoynes, but as your Vice President I would want more access.
- Bartlet: Uh-huh.
- Russell: Direct access; weekly lunch, drinks; especially since we don't know each other.
- Bartlet: Sounds like you'd be a Vice President who'd be looking to move up.
- Russell: I'm not trying to run out the clock on you, but I'm sure that my name came up because some see me as the bland candidate, nobody's nightmare, the triumph of mediocrity. If I were to take the job, I'd mean to confound those expectations. And I want you to know that.
- Bartlet: Any other ways I can sweeten the offer for you, Bob?
Han
- C.J.: We've certainly come a long way from "Give me your tired, your poor." If we don't allow this defection, if we blithely exploit this young man's ignorance, then I don't know who we are anymore.
- Bartlet: Leo tells me you have a strong view on this?
- C.J.: Yes sir, for one thing sending him back would seem to be illegal.
- Leo: Our hand's not legally forced unless he tells anyone.
- C.J. He's told us. He's asked the President of the United States for asylum. Are we saying he'd have been better off asking some cab driver?
- Bartlet: You know the rationale for sending him back.
- Leo: So the Iranians don't wake up one morning and decide, hey, it's a good day to nuke Israel.
- C.J. Sir, seven North Korean nuclear scientists defected through China last year, we helped pay for it. Are we saying, if this kid were more valuable to us we'd accept him?
- Bartlet: Is that such an unreasonable distinction? But this isn't your real argument.
- C.J.: Sending him back will play as a disaster in the press if it ever gets out.
- Bartlet: [shakes head] That's not your real argument either.
- C.J.: No sir, it's not. This young man's asking for freedom. It's what this country was built on; everyone's from somewhere else, some place less free. That's my argument.
- Will: The President wants altitude.
- Toby: As befits this vertiginous choice? [Toby stands up] Distinguished is as high as we go; you have to be high to go loftier. Here's what it should be. [Will begins typing] In a triumph of the middling, a nod to mediocrity, and with gorge rising, it gives me great nausea to announce Robert Russell — Bingo Bob, himself — as your new Vice President.
- Will: This lapdog of the mining interests is as dull as he is unremarkable...
- Toby: ...as lackluster as he is soporific.
- Will: Good.
- Toby: This reversion to the mean...
- Will: This rebuke to the exemplary...
- Toby: ...gives hope to the millions unfavored by the exceptional...
- Will: Yes.
- Toby: The Vice Presidency, being famously once described as not being worth a warm bucket of spit; let's now hock a big loogie for Bob Russell. Not the worst. Not the best. Just what we're stuck with.
- Will: Amen.
- Josh: You look great.
- Amy: Thanks, so do you.
- Josh: Everyone looks great in a tux; chimps look great.
- Amy: With none actually present I'll have to settle for you.
- Josh: So listen, umm, Ryan of all people asked me straight out about our relationship, and I couldn't have avoided the subject more if I had faked a stroke.
- Amy: Cheeky little brat.
- Josh: That's not the point, even if I'd wanted to answer him, I wouldn't have known what to say. It's like what C.J. said today about the economy; by refusing to put language to it we're trying to pretend it doesn't exist, but it's something... even if we don't know what to call it. I just think it's time to start thinking about a language plan for whatever it is we're doing too.
- Bartlet: He didn't realize what it was.
- C.J.: What what was, sir?
- Bartlet: Freedom.
- C.J.: You could have cancelled the concert.
- Bartlet: There's a Korean word, Han. I looked it up. There is no literal English translation. It's a state of mind. Of soul, really. A sadness. A sadness so deep no tears will come. And yet, still, there's hope.
Constituency of One
- Will: I need to see my bed, I'm thinking of carrying a picture of it in my wallet.
- Leo: He's a Democrat from Idaho. They use Democrats for target practice up there. Sometimes he's got to lean to the right.
- Josh: You're leaving the party because of me?
- Carrick: I'm not leaving the party because of you - but you made it a whole lot easier.
- Russell: I admire speech writers. They have to have the tendency to doubt and the capacity to believe in equal measure.... I'm playing with a handicap.... Spare tire on the automobile of government. Heartbeat away from having a heartbeat.... I may need more help than that dead guy you got elected in Orange County, Will. I may need some political life support myself.... I'd like you to be my Communications Director.... I know I'm not the best politician, but here I am Vice President of the United States.
- Will: Sir, I'm a special assistant to the President.
- Russell: Chief strategist and senior counselor to the Vice President.
- Will: Are we playing poker?
- Russell: I'm showing you my hand.
- Will: You're looking for your own Toby Ziegler.
- Russell: I'm looking for someone who can beat Toby....
- Will: Thank you, sir, but I'm not interested.
- Russell: I like loyalty, Will. I respect loyalty. But you can run out the clock on a Bartlet Presidency that in effect is over. You can finish something that you never started in the first place.... Or you can shape the next presidency from the ground up. Total access. Coach of the team.
- Josh: It's a missile defense system that can't hit missiles.... when were you promised–?
- Carrick: Seven years ago.
- Josh: Under the last President?
- Carrick: Right.
- Josh: Okay, a bunch of things have fallen by the wayside since then, like Communism....
Disaster Relief
- Donna: Schadenfreude?
- C.J.: You know, enjoying the suffering of others. The whole rationale behind the House of Representatives.
- Josh: I'm just trying to see around the corner so I don't get bit in the ass.
- Donna: Are you going around the corner ass-first?
- C.J.: So, a five on the Fujita scale, that's a...
- Josh: ...Vast and violent vacuum cleaner, uprooting everything in its path.
- Toby: It's a funnel cloud.
- Josh: Vast and violent vacuum cleaner.
- C.J.: It's a vacuum cleaner and a funnel cloud. See, men? Peace on earth.
- Josh: You thought I was cooked.
- Donna: I did not.
- Josh: You thought I was gone, and so were you. You were already cleaning out your desk. Mentally kicking dirt on my grave.
- Donna: No, now I'm doing that.
- Josh: Confirm my dinner with Wilcox tomorrow. Make sure I have my usual table.
- Donna: That's good. You're getting out. A man about town.
- Josh: Set up a meeting with Ted Davis at the Democratic Strategy Group and one with the Security Policy Working Group.
- Donna: Crack some heads, Let 'em know you're riding herd. I'm not helping.
- Josh: It's a blip, Donna. When I write my political memoir, this will be the character-building funny part.
- Donna: I thought I was the character-building funny part.
- Bartlet: Are we having a problem?
- C.J.: No.
- Bartlet: I feel as if I did more good in the last 24 hours than in the last six months.
- C.J.: Yes, sir.
- Bartlet: You resent me taking a few extra hours to console grieving people?
- [She clears her throat but does not answer.]
- Bartlet: I'm asking you a direct question, C.J.
- C.J.: Honestly, sir? I resent you ignoring the responsibilities of your office. If you want to reach out and touch people, teach math at East Saint Louis after your term expires.
- Bartlet: So you think my staying longer was some sort of personal indulgence?
- C.J.: I think it's been a difficult time for you sir. For all of us.
- Bartlet: What's this really about, C.J.?
- C.J.: I understand there was no time, sir. I can't imagine what it was like. I don't have children.
- Bartlet: It's like I knew who I was, then woke up one morning and didn't have a clue.
- C.J.: I understand, sir. But I need more. You're the President of the United States. My President. I'm frightened. We're all frightened. This is... the world is too dangerous now. Unpredictable. I need you back. I need you to lead.
Separation of Powers
- Donna: What happens if we don't get a budget deal?
- Josh: Get another continuing resolution.
- Donna: See, here's what I don't get. Every year we take these continuing resolutions like the dog ate our homework...
- Josh: The Republican majority, but you're close.
- Donna: How come people aren't outraged? The rest of the country can't take endless amounts of time to finish their work.
- Josh: Well, you're forgetting the beauty of the federal budget process.
- Donna: What's that?
- Josh: No one understands it.
- Toby: You used to clerk for the Chief Justice. That's interesting.
- Joe: Is it? I don't know, I mean if you find it interesting...
- Toby: I've just never heard you mention it. Guys around here with two-bit appellate courtships staple it to their foreheads.
- Joe: I can't do it, Toby, I'm sorry.
- Toby: You haven't even heard what I'm going to say.
- Joe: You want me to do the approach, about getting him to resign.
- Toby: I didn't say that.
- Joe: I can do the math. You've got a limited amount of time to pick the next guy and get him confirmed before the midterms politicize everything. But I work for you. It's a question of propriety.
- Toby: I see.
- Joe: Do you? The White House can't be seen as pressuring a Supreme Court Justice to change his breakfast order, let alone resign. Separation of powers.
- Toby: I see.
- Joe: You say that, but in a way that makes me wonder if you really do.
- Toby: The President sets the direction of the Court. I've read the Constitution too.
- Joe: He sets it when there's a vacancy.
- Toby: You don't have to ask him to resign, only to sit down with the President.
- Joe: You're talking about a guy who stood up to six Administrations, 22 Congresses, and at one time or another had half the country ready to lynch him. You think a former clerk can pry him lose?
- Josh: So, what now?
- Angela: Another continuing resolution, till Christmas this time.
- Josh: You've got to be kidding. You let it drag on that long, they'll try to de-fund the Yule log.
- Angela: It gets better. They're not willing to continue funding at the current level. They want a one percent cut on everything except defense and homeland security.
- Josh: How could this happen?
- Leo: Josh.
- Josh: No, Leo, how is this acceptable? Haffley's not the prime minister, you take this to the president, you'll know what he'll say?
- Leo: He'll say yes.
- Josh: How can you say that?
- Leo: To keep the lights on! To make sure a couple of million government employees keep getting paid. It's two more months...
- Josh: This isn't governing, it's duck and cover.
- Leo: He'll say that too.
- Bartlet: I'm glad to see you doing so well, sir.
- Chief Justice Ashland: Are you?
- Bartlet: Yes, I am.
- Chief Justice Ashland: Can you do it?
- Bartlet: I don't want to. But if it's time, if your condition warrants.
- Chief Justice Ashland: Who'd you get to replace me?
- Bartlet: I'd hoped to consult with you.
- Chief Justice Ashland: Holmes.
- Bartlet: Holmes?
- Chief Justice Ashland: Oliver Wendell. Marshall, John or Thurgood, either one. I want Brandeis, Blackmun, Douglas. But you can't get them, can you? Because it's all compromises now, the ones who have no record of scholarship, no body of opinions, nothing you can hold them to, that's who they'll confirm, raging mediocrities.
- Bartlet: The other eight are preparing to take it away from you, Roy. Holding over cases, the major decisions. How long can the country wait?
- Chief Justice Ashland: My clerks are preparing a brief. There's an Arab-American man, grabbed out of a line at the airport. What's next? Tribunals, identity cards, bar codes tattooed on our forearms?
- Bartlet: Then give me a name.
- Chief Justice Ashland: Daniel Robenov, New York State Supreme Court. Susan Bengaly, Ninth Circuit. [shakes his finger at Bartlet] But they won't confirm them, will they? I have good days, and bad. But on my worst day, I am better than the ambulance chasers you can get confirmed by the Senate. You can't do it, Jed. You're not strong enough. The Speaker's running the table. And I can't take a chance.
- Royce: I want to thank you, Mr. President, on behalf of my colleagues. None of us thinks this is a perfect deal. No one likes to see the sausage made, including the guys who make it. But this is an expression of willingness by both sides to keep all avenues open to an eventual resolution.
- Bartlet: Yes, thanks, Robert. And thanks for saying it this time. I think I had to make that little speech the last time around. [Everyone smiles.] Or maybe the time before. This is our third CR, our third time coming up short. We have to do better. People aren't paying us to duck the hard choices. You want to run through the details, Angela?
- Angela: An act of Congress. Continuing resolution to extend no later than January 3rd, midnight, to include a reduction of one percent.
- Haffley: Excuse me, Mr. President, I'm sorry. There's been a change. I know we talked about a one percent cut. It's going to have to be three.
- Angela: Mr. Speaker, nothing like this was even mentioned, much less disc--
- Bartlet: Hold on.
- Haffley: I'm sorry I couldn't give more notice, but I just came from our conference, and I had significant opposition to only one percent.
- Bartlet: Only one percent.
- Haffley: Yes, sir.
- Bartlet: We had a deal at one percent.
- Haffley: But now my members have to go back to their districts for the holidays, explain why we kept the gravy train running with a rising deficit and an economy crying out for tax relief. It's an economic situation that calls for action, not status quo spending. Now three percent may sound painful but it's only for two months. It'll show we're serious.
- Bartlet: What's next?
- Haffley: Sir?
- Bartlet: In two months. Five percent? 50? How many rounds do we go, Jeff? I'm just asking.
- Haffley: There is no next, sir. I mean not to get too technical, but this government runs out of money at midnight. And my guys are going home. This is it.
- [Bartlet considers this for a moment. Then he shakes his head.]
- Bartlet: No.
- Haffley: There is no altering this offer, Mr. President.
- [Bartlet stands. Everyone else quickly follow.]
- Bartlet: And I said no.
- Haffley: Let's be clear, sir. We cannot, we will not, vote to keep on footing the bill. You will be held responsible for shutting down the federal government.
- Bartlet: Then shut it down.
Shutdown
- Donna: What's happening?
- Josh: You remember when we went to Atlantic City?
- Donna: We never went to Atlantic City.
- Josh: Remember when I went to Atlantic City and I came back complaining that all the pro poker players suck all the fun out of the game, no cigars, no pizza, no beer.
- Donna: You played one hand.
- Josh: Those guys, they bet the bank when they have a good hand. And you either fold, or you go in all the way with them. I think the President's gonna stay in.
- Donna: And how good is Haffley?
- Josh: He's better than anyone we've seen on the other side of the table in a long time.
- Leo: Don't go out there again until morning.
- C.J.: Okay, but the enemy's advancing and you had better give me more than a squirt gun before the sun comes up.
- Russell: How's the President doing?
- Leo: He's fighting a cold.
- Russell: Think it's about time for me to talk to a few of my former colleagues in the House?
- Leo: Mmm, not yet sir, no.
- Russell: I served on energy with Haffley.
- Leo: I appreciate that.
- Russell: I sang in the Congressional Quartet with the majority whip. I've gotten drunk on fact-finding with most of the guys...
- Leo: [interrupting] With all due respect sir, we can't send mixed signals.
- Russell: You saw their deal two days ago and turned them down. If you're waiting for Haffley to call, you've misjudged your man. You can't treat the Speaker like...
- Leo: [interrupting again] The President will decide the terms.
- Russell: No, he won't! Like it or not, we have a Republican Congress. They get to write the budget. The President only gets to edit it a bit. You want to blame someone, call James Madison.
- Leo: Thanks for the history lesson, sir. I'll be sure to pass it on to the President.
- Russell: [pause] You know what they call a leader with no followers? Just a guy taking a walk.
- Will: Social security's an entitlement.
- Toby: That's what the people who get their checks every month think.
- C.J.: That's one way to make the shutdown seem real to the country -- don't mail eleven million checks.
- Will: It'd be catastrophic if we don't fix this.
- Toby: FDR will rise from the dead?
- Will: Millions of angry grandparents are going to march on Washington, burn us in effigy.
- Toby: Josh is on it.
- Will: Thousands of grannies in walkers, tens of thousands of ancient veterans on oxygen, singing "We Shall Overcome."
- Toby: Josh is taking care of it.
- Bartlet: Well, I'm not going to negotiate with anyone who holds a gun to my head. We had a deal. I don't care if my approval ratings drop into single digits. I am the President of the United States, and I will leave the government shut down until we come to an equitable agreement.
Abu el Banat
- Will: Are you people trying to kill me?
- Toby: We're trying to make sure you can move to Oregon and kill yourself.
- Donna: There are pages turned down with Post-its to tell you which of your relatives the gifts are for. If you're happy with the choices, you should initial at the X. If you're not happy with the choices, you should remember how this goes when you try to do this yourself.
- Josh: I like the polar fleece stuff.
- Donna: Who's in charge of shopping?
- Josh: You are.
- Leo: [to Josh] You have to go back and tell him no. In no uncertain terms. Draw a picture if you need it. A ballot in a circle with a line through it.
- Bartlet: She dumped a Rhodes Scholar for this guy. Zoey left Charlie for the frog. Ellie and the guitar player with the purple van. My children choose morons, every one.
- Debbie: They say daughters look for their fathers.
- Bartlet: You know, 15 years ago, we took a trip to Egypt, all five of us, saw the pyramids and Luxor, then headed up into the Sinai. We had a guide, a Bedouin man, who called me "Abu el Banat." Whenever we'd meet another Bedouin, he'd introduce me as "Abu el Banat." The Bedouin would laugh and laugh and then offer me a cup of tea. And I'd go and pay them for the tea, and they wouldn't let me. "Abu el Banat" means "father of daughters." They thought the tea was the least they could do.
The Stormy Present
- C.J.: Toby.
- Toby: Yeah.
- C.J.: Is there something you wanted?
- Toby: World peace?
- C.J.: Toby, I'm not protecting you. Go hide from the President somewhere else.
- Toby: Who needs Dante? I'm on my way to hell at 30,000 feet.
- Prince Bitar: Mr. President, when these schoolboys protest, when they truly wish to denounce us, you know what they say? [pause] They call us Americans.
- President Newman: You start saddling up camels in every country in the Middle East then you better be prepared to spend the next 50 years sifting through sand because this isn't a quick run on the beach, Jed. This is the new world order.
- Bartlet: When we were elected, I really thought we were going to own the place, do it differently, better. Now I realize the men on this plane are the only others who have been there before, who really know.
The Benign Prerogative
- Donna: A lot of them, their judges spoke at their sentencing about the harshness of what they had to impose.... Scrutinize away. You tell me? Do we toss out Daisy Aimes, mother of three... had a boyfriend who stored a kilo in her closet. She's done eight years and is facing eleven more. That's longer than rapists and child molesters get.... I don't see a list anymore. These are people.
- Bartlet: I will never surrender in the War on Drugs, but if you are consistently getting slaughtered on the battlefield, you've probably misjudged your enemy.
- Charlie: C.J., with the press - could you ever trust a reporter?
- C.J.: Is this the beginning of a joke?
- Leo: If it was you whispering pardons in his ear, it was the right thing.
- Abbey: I don't whisper, Leo. That's not how it works between us. My job is to help Jed be as good a President as he is a man.
- Bartlet: I can't dress for this thing without you. Which one screams "dominance"?
- Abbey: Do I get to wear it afterwards?
- Bartlet: No comment.
Slow News Day
- Toby: More college kids think they'll see UFOs than Social Security checks.
- Bartlet: But they don't tell you how many believe in UFOs; that's the number we ought to be worried about.
- Bartlet: [about Social Security] If it becomes public we've even discussed this, both sides will go crazy. It'll jeopardize our whole agenda on the Hill.
- Toby: What if I do it? I'll do all the negotiating. You'll have total deniability. No one else in this building has to know.
- Bartlet: And if it blows up, I'm supposed to pretend we've never met?
- Toby: We'll always have Paris. [beat] Mr. President, life expectancy's rising. The biggest generation, ever, is retiring and we don't have the money! Every year we wait means we have to cut deeper, take away more, 'til Social Security's not enough to live on... 'til retirement's a one- way ticket to a flop house. We have an opening. There's seventeen ways to fix it. Twenty years of blue-ribbon commissions have told us how. This isn't a government program, it is a moral covenant. We don't want to be the administration that saves it from oblivion? We don't want that legacy?
- Bartlet: Social Security is the third rail of American politics. Touch it, and you die.
- Toby: That's 'cause the third rail's where all the power is.
- C.J.: We have nothing to announce today. No policy, no summit meetings, not even a warm front meeting up with a cold front. We've been over this. We need a hard news announcement each and every day, or the press runs amok.
- Josh: This is Toby's job. What am I, the White House complaint center?
- C.J.: You run the policy shop. Besides, Toby's avoiding me.
- Josh: Maybe no news is good news.
- C.J.: If we're not running offense, we're running defense, and if we're playing defense, then there's some clever sports analogy that explains what happens then....
- Josh: We're screwed.
- C.J.: That'll do...
- Leo: There's a reason we have a chain of command. So people don't take flyers and I don't hand you their resignations.
- Bartlet: I wanted to believe he could do it. I wanted to believe as much as he did.
- Leo: This isn't Never-never Land, sir. Believing is not enough.
- Bartlet: You would've stopped it.
- Leo: Because it's my job.
- Bartlet: It's my life, Leo. I'm the one who's accountable. And not in the morning papers, not in the Democratic cloakroom, but in 50 or a 100 years when Tuesday's poll samples have crumbled into dust.
- Leo: You can't will yourself a legacy.
- Bartlet: You think there's a room at the Smithsonian for guys who never even tried?
- Leo: Closest we've been to a deal in 20 years and it breaks down over who we approached first.
- Josh: If you approach the Republicans, he's a right-wing sell out, if you approach the Democrats, he's a fire-breathing partisan.
- Leo: Hard enough caving on principle without looking like you're caving on principle.
- Josh: And, we have a little problem called the Wall Street Journal.
- Bartlet: We don't take credit.
- Leo: What?
- Bartlet: We don't take credit at all.
- Toby: It's the only way.
- Bartlet: They approached each other. Bi-partisan down the line. No one can say I'm setting anyone up.
- Leo: Mr. President, a victory like this comes along once in a generation.
- Josh: We'll have practically saved the New Deal and no one will even know we were in the room.
- Toby: We'll know. And if we don't do this... if this system collapses, which is what'll happen, if we go back to breadlines, if growing old in America means growing poor again ... we'll know that, too.
- Josh: There is no such thing as an invisible legacy, sir.
- Leo: You have to know you'd be giving it away.
- Bartlet: All day we've been talking about my legacy, my portrait, what's going to be carved on my tombstone. Maybe we pay a little more attention to what's being rendered. And the rendering takes care of itself.
The Warfare of Genghis Khan
- Bartlet: I thought when the Soviet Union fell, we could actually have disarmament. You go from trying to get rid of these weapons altogether to holding your breath that one doesn't go off on your watch. Strike another goal off the list.
- McNally: Sir, given the volatility of the region, a secret test would be how Iran would certainly proceed.
- Bartlet: All right, let's put our cards on the table. What helped keep the Cold War cold was a sense of moral restraint that these weapons were too terrible to use.
- Leo: That restraint won't exist in jihadists who strap bombs to their chests and enter nightclubs.
- Sliger: There are moderate elements on the ascendancy in Iran.
- Toby: "In the Koran, God commanded to kill the wicked and those who do not see the rights of the oppressed and to murder them. If we abide by the Koran, all of us should mobilize to kill." Televised address by President Alijani: Moderate.
- Josh: So, I had this meeting with NASA this morning.
- Leo: What a waste, since the moon. My generation never got the future it was promised... Thirty-five years later, cars, air travel is exactly the same. We don't even have the Concorde anymore. Technology stopped.
- Josh: The personal computer...
- Leo: A more efficient delivery system for gossip and pornography? Where's my jet pack, my colonies on the Moon?
- Josh: Voyager, in case it's ever encountered by extraterrestrials, is carrying photos of life on earth, greetings in fifty-five languages, and a collection of music from Gregorian chant to Chuck Berry, including "Dark Was the Night, Cold Was the Ground" by 1920s bluesman Blind Willie Johnson, whose stepmother blinded him at seven by throwing lye in his eyes after his father beat her for being with another man. He died penniless of pneumonia after sleeping bundled in wet newspapers in the ruins of his house that burned down, but his music just left the solar system.
- Bartlet: Thank you for coming, Mr. Prime Minister. You've had a long flight and I've had a long last day and a half. Let's not waste any time with veiled questions and coy answers. Your government conducted an atmospheric nuclear test over the Indian Ocean 36 hours ago. This action poses enormous problems for the region, for the world.
- Israeli Prime Minister: And for the U.S.
- Bartlet: Yes. It undercuts our counterproliferation policy and makes us look at best, biased, and at worst, like outright hypocrites.
- Israeli Prime Minister: You do not look hypocritical espousing nonproliferation while funding research on a new generation of tactical nuclear bombs? This is not my view. The U.S. is merely looking after its national interest. As Israel has the right to do.
- Bartlet: Proliferation breeds proliferation. China's bomb produced India's. India's begat Pakistan's.
- Israeli Prime Minister: The United States' ideal number of nuclear weapon states is one. No matter if it's merited or arrogant, it is irrelevant. Our chief of Military Intelligence asserts that if Iran completes its enrichment program it will be able to produce nuclear weapons within one year.
- Bartlet: No one disputes Israel lives under threat.
- Israeli Prime Minister: Threat? We are 6 million surrounded by 200 million who wish us obliterated. For Israel, deterrence is not an option, but an imperative.
- Bartlet: There's a fine line between deterrence and provocation.
- Israeli Prime Minister: We model our approach on America's during the Cold War: Mutual Assured Destruction.
- Bartlet: There's a reason its acronym was MAD.
- Israeli Prime Minister: It succeeded entirely in keeping the world safe. Iran will become a nuclear state. I mean, what difference if it takes one year or five or ten? What difference?
- Bartlet: We can stop them. By force if it comes to that.
- Israeli Prime Minister: But should this fail, all that would stand in the way of an Iranian first strike is an assured second-strike capability. Submarines armed with nuclear missiles. Mr. President, this is essential for Israel's survival.
- Bartlet: Your argument boils down to asking the world to trust you.
- Israeli Prime Minister: As does America's.
- Bartlet: It's telling that the physicists involved in the creation of these weapons became the most fervid opponents of their use. Einstein, Oppenheimer, Szilárd. Hans Bethe wrote, "If we fight a war and win it with H-Bombs, what history will remember is not the ideals we were fighting for, but the methods used to accomplish them. These methods will be compared to the warfare of Genghis Khan who brutally killed every last inhabitant of Persia."
An Khe
- C.J.: That was fun! Sanctimonious little guttersnipe sent a great big fat one up and over the plate. Health care reform! From a guy who's still on the fence about the application of leeches!
- Josh: Eve Harrington in penny loafers here just corrected me in front of the President.
- Donna: Were you wrong?
- Josh: That's not the point.
- Donna: What is the point?
- Josh: I'm going into my office now.
- Carol: Toby and Josh are in your office.
- C.J.: What do they want?
- Carol: To make fun of you, I think.
- C.J.: And you let them in?
- Carol: And made them coffee.
- Josh: Taylor Reid was talking about your spin on the decline in manufacturing jobs and he said...
- Toby: 'The tall lady's back to telling tall tales.'
- C.J.: The tall lady.... Carol, call 'The Taylor Reid Show' and book me on the next open slot. I'm going to reach down and rip off his puny, little face.
- Josh: Congressman Wendt, who single-handedly blocked our tax credit to expand child care to working families, is attempting to bind the feet of your entire gender with his paleo-chauvinist stay-at-home mom tax cut.
- C.J.: I'm going to read the bill and supporting materials.
- Josh: What if you just kick up a cloud of dust about the revenue impact and mention that he's the Darth Vader of child care?
Full Disclosure
- Toby: [to Ed & Larry] This meeting's about politics. Facts won't help.
- C.J.: What do I need to catch up on?
- Toby: The President signed a school vouchers bill for D.C.
- C.J.: Are you kidding? I leave the building for an hour and he switches parties.
- Toby: Promise me something.
- C.J.: What?
- Toby: You'll never let them make a list of my screw-ups. They wouldn't have enough paper.
- Hoynes: You can tell the President he doesn't have to worry about the book. I'm not going to try to make him look bad. I just wanted to get this scandal behind me, so I can get on with my life.
- C.J.: Tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
- Hoynes: Well... I'm gonna call it Full Disclosure. What do you think? Good title?
- C.J.: Am I going to be in the book?
- Hoynes: Yes. Not mentioning you would be kind of strange, don't you think? I mean, next to the President and the Vice President, you're the most visible person working in the White House.
- C.J.: I'd prefer not to be.
- Hoynes: C.J., you've got nothing to worry about, I promise.
- [C.J. turns to leave.]
- C.J.: What are you going to do in the campaign when the stories start coming out?
- Hoynes: Those stories?
- C.J.: No. The other women.
- Hoynes: I haven't decided to run, I really...
- C.J.: Because there have been other women, right? Lots of women, right? Because the way you came on to me... way too smooth, way too practiced.
- Hoynes: C.J., that was ten years ago. I'm sorry...
- C.J.: When you run for President, the press is going to find some of those women. And if you try to attack them, if you get your opposition research team working on them, if you try to destroy them, if you try to say they're all bimbos and liars, then I'll be standing right there with them, and I'll be ready to take anything you or your people throw at me, anything. So don't make me tell the truth about you because it will be the whole truth.
- Leo: Check with Margaret about the Mural Room.
- Will: The Vice President has it.
- Toby: For what?
- Will: He's the Vice President, Toby. I don't have to justify his using a room.
- Toby: Of course not. For what?
Eppur Si Muove
- Leo: I'm sorry but can we really justify spending $800,000 on 'A Bio-Cultural Approach to the Study of Female Sexual Fantasy and Genital Arousal'?
- Toby: How can we afford not to?
- Abbey: Would you like me to do interviews with the Press corps?
- C.J.: God, no. They're the most cynical bastards on the planet. You need to get beyond the Washington echo chamber and speak right to the people.
- Toby: This conversation would be a whole lot easier if I weren't fighting my way through a cloud of Obsession.
- C.J.: There's no cloud.
- Toby: It's about to precipitate out. It's about to rain Obsession.
- Mark Hayden: You still smarting I had to carry your ass through Con Law?
- Josh: You did not have to carry--
- Mark Hayden: You thought strict scrutiny was a pickup technique.
- Josh: Hey, it worked on Pam Sussman. I mean, not that well. How is your lovely wife?
- Abbey: So, what was it? The tube top to meet the Queen of England, or the low-rise jeans with the North Korean delegation?
- C.J.: Mrs. Bartlet, the press didn't know what to make of you before the MS became public. You've never been the traditional hat-knitting President's wife.
- Abbey: Oh, shoot. Was that in the handbook? Maybe just get me a photographer and seven years' worth of yarn.
The Supremes
- Toby: If... If we were gonna try this. What would be the plan?
- Josh: We give the President and Leo the name. We bring Christopher Mulready in. We bring Lang back in. Hopefully the two of them woo the pants off the President, and he agrees to the deal without noticing he's standing in the gaze of history, pantless.
- Debbie: I hate to do this, but it's Rina, sir. The girl in the dress with the flowers--
- Bartlet: Just now?
- Debbie: Yes.
- Bartlet: What'd I call her?
- Debbie: Lana.
- Bartlet: Who's Lana?
- Debbie: I'm guessing an exotic dancer from your spotty youth.
- Toby: Where's the Senator?
- Josh: He's with C.J. He got me a little drunk.
- Toby: Is he leaving?
- Josh: I think he's getting C.J. a little drunk.
- Justice Christopher Mulready: Who's at the top of the list? [sees Bartlet's hesitation] If I leaked it, would they believe me?
- Bartlet: Brad Shelton.
- Justice Christopher Mulready: [hesitant] Really.
- Bartlet: You don't like him?
- Justice Christopher Mulready: He's a fine jurist. And in the event that Carmine, Lafayette, Hoyt, Clark, and Brannagan all dropped dead, the middle would still be well tended.
- Bartlet: [Chuckling] You want another Brady.
- Justice Christopher Mulready: Sure. Just like you'd like another Ashland, who wouldn't? The court was at it's best when Brady was fighting Ashland.
- Bartlet: Plenty of good law written by the voices of moderation.
- Justice Christopher Mulready: Who writes the extraordinary dissent? The one man minority decision whose time hasn't come but 20 years later, some circuit court clerk digs it up at 3 in the morning. Brennan rallying against censorship, Harlans jeremiad on Jim Crow.
- Bartlet: Maybe you someday.
- Justice Christopher Mulready: Hm. They can't put me on The Court. Just like you can't put Evelyn Lang on The Court. It's Sheltons from here on in.
- Bartlet: There are 4000 protesters outside this building, worried about who is going to land in that seat. We can't afford to alienate all of them.
- Justice Christopher Mulready: We all have our roles to play, Sir. Yours is to nominate someone who doesn't alienate people.
- Justice Christopher Mulready: So why a racial preference and not an economic one?
- Charlie: Because affirmative action is about a legacy of racial oppression.
- Justice Christopher Mulready: It's about compromising admission standards.
- Charlie: That's bull. Excuse me. It's about leveling the playing field after 300 years...
- Justice Christopher Mulready: See, this is where the liberal argument goes off the tracks. You get stuck in the past. Now, you want to come back at me with "Grading is based on past performance, but admissions should be based on potential, on how a candidate may thrive with this sort of opportunity, and studies show that affirmative action admits have a higher predisposition to contribute to society."
- Charlie: Hang on, I've gotta write this down.
Access
- C.J.: You begin every day juggling a very precise schedule which completely, completely falls apart by mid-morning.
- C.J.: One of the hardest things to learn: There are so many true crises, so many lurking situations that could be dangerous for the President, its hard not to get caught up in the adrenaline and make everything lethal. It's more than picking your battles, marshaling your energy. It's about grace under fire. All war metaphors. I guess that's it; being able to tell when its a matter of life or death.
Talking Points
- Josh: Sir, have you read the talking points?
- Bartlet: I'm an economist. Some would say half-decent. I don't need a primer on this.
- Charlie: Due respect, sir, your answers on economics can be a bit---
- Bartlet: Polysyllabic?
- CJ: Academic.
- Leo: I was going to go with incomprehensible.
- Bartlet: Anybody got any crayons so I can color in my Ph. D.?
- Josh Lyman: We made a promise.
- Bartlet: There was a man named Canute, one of the great Viking kings of the 11th Century. Wanted his people to be aware of his limitations, so he led them down to the sea and he commanded that the tide roll out. It didn't. Who gave us the notion that Presidents can move the economy like a play-toy? That we can do more than talk it up or smooth over the rough spots? It's a lie. What we really owe that union is the truth.
- Josh: We run around saying free trade creates high-paying jobs.
- Bartlet: And it will. But I've been trying to tell you it's not that simple.
- Leo: I'll set up a call with Bill Parsons.
- Bartlet: It'd be nice to roll back that tide, wouldn't it?
- Josh: Yes, Mr. President, it sure would.
- Ryan Pierce: Where you going?
- Josh: To meet Congressman McKenna.
- Ryan Pierce: That's funny, actually.
- Josh: No, it isn't funny. He's a two-bit jerk of a House member. He holds us hostage every time we have a budget or a trade deal, or enough discretionary authority to buy an ice cream cone. I've got the Speaker of the House in ten minutes. I'm gonna smile, bob my head, and stick him in the outbox.
- [The two walk into the Roosevelt Room together]
- Josh: Beat it. I've got a meeting.
- Ryan Pierce: So do I's the thing.
- Josh: It's just me and McKenna.
- Ryan Pierce: I'm his new Legislative Director. Hi. He figured it'd be leverage enough that he's on two authorizing committees and can stall half your budget priorities. Is this the part where you smile and bob your head?
- Leo: 'You campaign in poetry. You govern in prose'.... We run a country; we deal in abstractions.
No Exit
- Debbie: I'm still laughing.
- Bartlet: Real reason I went for a second term: couple more years between this gig, the Gridiron, and the Alfalfa Club, I'll be ready for the Def Comedy circuit.
- Debbie: I'd hold out for Vegas, sir.
- Bartlet: My first Correspondent's Dinner was a nightmare. Bombed.
- Leo: Put that behind you tonight.
- Bartlet: I killed.
- [Bartlet holds out a tissue box to Debbie and she takes a tissue.]
- Bartlet: They laughed till they cried. They're still crying.
- Debbie: Honestly, sir, in my case, it's the pollen count. But for an Anglo-Saxon, you were darn funny.
- Toby: He's a featherweight who only looks like a lightweight because he's got you propping him up.
- Will: He's the heir apparent.
- Toby: Don't say 'heir apparent' when we have men in moon suits hermetically sealing the Oval. This is Russell's only shot... A night like this. You're comfortable with that?
- Will: Perfectly. Thank you.
- Toby: Well, great.
- Will: Only shot.
- Toby: This and voter fraud, another option.
- Will: Yeah, I see.
- Toby: Or a mob hit would also work.
- Will: Someday there's going to be a newer, younger political operative moving on to your landscape. Somebody up through the ranks from the domestic policy shop, and you'll be able to foist all your jealousy and resentment onto his unsuspecting shoulders and you'll give me a break for three consecutive minutes.
- Toby: Jealousy? This is good.
- Will: You've had one win in your career, one. And you're looking sunset in the face, and I'm just getting started, and that's eating you apart like some psychological melanoma.
- Toby: My jealousy of you?
- Will: It's an adrenaline sport and you're exhausted. If you had another fight in you, you'd be grooming Matt Packard or Howard Sturgis and you'd take me down, me and my anemic candidate. But you don't have it. I say this with a great amount of respect. I would be eternally grateful if you would back off.
- Leo: Believe me, I love the idea of you ministering to the wayward and unwashed. I don't love you becoming a de facto spokesperson for a load of issues we can't support.
- Abbey: I'm not on a lecture tour, I'm seeing patients.
- Leo: 'Hello. My name is Clarissa Ponsissa. I'm 14 and sexually active. But I know it's okay, 'cause I got my condoms from the First Lady.' Fox News is throwing a party.
- Bartlet: When I came into office, we knew the word "terrorist." It was in the daily briefing. But we pictured guys with turbans in the desert or some mad survivalist in a cabin in Montana. That party's over. Now anyone with high school chemistry is a potential threat.
- Debbie: That's a lot of enemies, sir.
- Bartlet: Too many.
- Toby: What you wrote for Russell tonight was profoundly disturbing.
- Will: Because he upstaged the President?
- Toby: Because he might win.
- Will: What?
- Toby: Who was the first person to shake his hand after the speech tonight?
- Will: I wasn't watching.
- Toby: Of course you were.
- Will: Chuck McGill, they golf.
- Toby: In a room full of 600 reporters McGill's not a golf buddy, he's Chairman of Ways and Means. You made a calculation; you positioned him brilliantly. It never for a second crossed my mind before, but if you keep this up, he might win.
- Will: Thanks.
- Toby: It wasn't a compliment. You need to get the hell out of there. You're grooming this clown for a win and then what?
- Will: Four more years. A better prescription drug plan, maybe the educational overhaul you guys can't seem to get off the ground.
- Toby: With Howdy Doody at the helm?
- Will: This isn't a dictatorship. There are hundreds of people running this White House. The salient detail being they're all Democrats. You most of all...
- Toby: There are no launch codes at my desk! At the event of what I perceive to be a threat, I can't deploy troops to invade so much as a 7-Eleven. I don't care who you surround this guy with, he's going to wield a tremendous amount of power.
- Will: He'll be fine. The Party wants a win. 60 million Democrats want...
- Toby: Winning is easy.
- Will: You only hit it once, and maybe never again.
- Toby: Because you back the guy who should win, not the guy who will win. I backed a man of vision, who's still hanging on to his integrity with his teeth. You're damn straight I won't win again.
- Will: There has to be a future, Toby. Someone will take the torch. You will despise the very notion of them whoever they may be.
- Toby: Go find someone you can honestly respect. Groom him.
- Will: I'll comb the countryside.
- Toby: We went to Hokumville, New Hampshire, to find one, yeah. Comb the countryside.
- Will: You go. If it's so important, you go. [pause] That's what I thought.
Gaza
- C.J.: Say you're from Minnesota.
- Toby: I'm from Minnesota.
- C.J.: No, we're pretending you're from there.
- Toby: We're not actually.
- C.J.: And you'd like prescription drugs from Canada.
- Toby: What do I have?
- C.J.: Not important.
- Toby: It could be clouding my judgment.
- C.J.: You're no fun anymore.
- Toby: I'm having fun.
- Kate: Leo. You wanted to see me?
- Leo: Yeah, listen. With Nancy McNally out of the country, you're going to have to be our go-to... I was gonna say "guy". The problem with English: "guy" is wrong, "gal" is patronizing, and "person" sounds arch.
- Kate: "Go-to-guy" is fine.
- Leo: Good, 'cause you're it. Which is a lot to throw at you weeks into the job. I want you to know you have my and the President's full support.
- Kate: I appreciate your confidence.
- Leo: We'll need you to coordinate all the intelligence agencies, including the FBI and CIA. You may have heard: they don't play nicely together.
- Kate: Well, boys will be boys.
- Leo: And don't be afraid to knock heads together. We don't want petty turf wars slowing down the intel.
- Harper: I'll keep on 'em.
- Leo: You run into resistance, you let me know.
- Kate: I hope that won't be necessary.
- Leo: Another thing: the President's not crazy about the DCI. It's chemical; just rubs him the wrong way.
- Kate: Okay.
- Leo: This isn't gossip; it's guidance. If the CIA's got something, the Director's not always the most effective vessel for communicating it.
- Kate: I'll make sure to underline anything I think is significant.
- Leo: We just need you to be all over this. State, Defense. You're the White House point... person.
- Kate: I won't let you down. Oh, and on that whole language score: I was in the military. I "manned" battleships, was "one of the boys," occasionally was exhorted to "drop my ...," you know, and "grab my socks." I've made my peace with the colloquial.
- Leo: Okay.
- Kate: Just between us girls. Thanks, Leo.
- Toby: [on the phone] Are you kidding? Do you know the term "decent interval"? Go away. [hangs up] Magley from the DNC, wants to talk about who to run for the two vacant House seats.
- Will: You're joking.
- Toby: They're still picking up pieces of these guys over there, he's talking about DeSantos' poachable district.
- Will: What's he calling you for?
- Toby: He thought Josh'd be upset about Donna being in the car. I guess he figured since my ex-wife was only almost blown up that I'd be only almost upset.
- Kate: One reason some people say nothing can happen till these guys are gone is the feeling they both may be stuck in old attitudes or assumptions. There was a time when Palestinians and all Arabs wanted to drive Jews into the sea, but some would argue that time's past.
- Will: Listen to some Arab broadcasts.
- C.J.: Rabble-rousing to distract their street.
- Kate: I'm not sure any credible Arab leader truly expects Israel's demise anymore, not even the Chairman.
- Leo: Don't be so sure.
- Kate: Well, there's a view that...
- Will: Don't keep saying "Some argue" and "There's a view." Can we restrict it to your view?
- Kate: Okay. Palestinians are no longer fighting to destroy the Jewish state. They're fighting for a state of their own, a revolutionary struggle against an occupying force, and revolutionaries will outlast and out-die occupiers every time.
- Will: I don't know if that's more simplistic or naive.
- Toby: It's tribal. It can't be solved. It's Hatfield and McCoy and there is no end.
- Bartlet: The Mideast reminds me of that joke about the optimist and the pessimist. The pessimist says "Everything is terrible. It can't get any worse." The optimist says "Oh, yes it can."
- Kate: It can get easy to forget that there's a silent majority on both sides who just want to live their lives.
- Bartlet: Unfortunately, you spend all your time focusing on what's drowning them out: the invective and bomb blasts.
- Kate: Isn't it our ultimate moral responsibility to them?
- Bartlet: It's quicksand. An ego trip.
- Kate: Sir?
- Bartlet: Chasing that Nobel Peace Prize right down the same sinkhole.
- Kate: After 50 years of strife and futility, there's no dishonor in failure. The only dishonor might be not to try.
Memorial Day
- Toby: Listen, we need to make a call on Camden Yards.
- Josh: Huh?
- Toby: It's Memorial Day. He's gonna toss out the first pitch at Camden Yards.
- Josh: Cancel it. Eh, can't cancel it; sends the wrong message. Ask for a moment of silence. And Toby, he's gotta, you need to take him out with gloves and a ball.
- Toby: It's a six foot toss from the stands. It's Little League.
- Josh: FDR threw from the stands; beaned one of his photographers in '37, extended the Depression by four years.
- Bartlet: Damn it, Shira, if I'm going to find the people behind this, I need access to the bomb site, access to the evidence and the cooperation of the Palestinian Authority, three things I cannot get if you keep firing missiles into Gaza!
- Reporter: The cuts aren't reflective of the President's attitude on military response in Gaza?
- C.J.: The cuts are reflective of the fact that Toby Ziegler has never written a five-minute speech in his life.
- Leo: You know, on May 13th, the day before Israeli Independence Day, the TV stations in Israel screen the names of every soldier who's fallen for the country. A name flashes on the screen for a second or two, then the next name appears, you go to bed, you get up, the names are still flashing. That's how they observe Memorial Day.
- Leo: The country wants action. Bringing Farat back to the table--
- Bartlet: I'm not saying it's Camembert and wine, I'm saying it's what we got! Tell Hutchison to find a way to get Nassan without taking out a city block, I'll launch the damn missile myself!
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NSF Thurmont
- Leo: [to Kate] He doesn't like chaos. We bomb some apartment building in Gaza or a camp in Syria there'll be consequences. And we can't tell him what they're going to be. Will we get drawn into a war in the Middle East? Will suicide bombers be climbing onto buses in Passaic, New Jersey instead of Tel Aviv and Haifa? ...The President is looking for answers and we don't have them.
- Bartlet: They want peace but I have to blow something up first?
- Leo: I think they are willing to haggle on the peace part.
- Bartlet: That usually work in the past?
- Leo: Sir, the Lincoln Battle Group will be in position sometime tonight; they're awaiting your order to strike Nassan and the Syrian camps in the morning.
- Bartlet: What?
- Leo: We can't wait for Farrad. The risk of losing Khaleel Nassan is too great. We have intel linking Iran to the martyrs, it's sketchy in spots, but overall it's a compelling case. I'm recommending you include Iran in the attack.
- Bartlet: General Alexander went ahead with plans for these bombings?
- Leo: At your request.
- Bartlet: I said I'd consider it when the time was appropriate! I did not ask–
- Leo: He was trying to anticipate your eventual need, sir. At my urging...Mr. President, please, Congress, the Joint Chiefs, the American public, your own staff, everyone disagrees with your assessment of the situation.
- Bartlet: Killing Palestinians isn't going to make us feel safer. They'll kill more of us, then we'll have to kill more of them. It's Russian roulette with a fully-loaded gun!
- Leo: We can't allow terrorists to murder our citizens–
- Bartlet: Why would they do it? Why would Palestinians murder American government officials? They never have before. They're deliberately provoking us, Leo. They know that we have to retaliate. They've studied us; they want us to overreact.
- Leo: This isn't overreacting. It's the appropriate, balanced...
- Bartlet: Tell me how this ends, Leo! You want me to start something that may have serious repercussions on American foreign policy for decades, but you don't know how it ends!
- Leo: We don't always know how it ends! [pause] The Lincoln will be in position in a few hours, and then you are going to have to give the go-ahead for the bombings.
- Bartlet: Or what?
- C.J.: You ever look around and think 'If we're the ones in charge, this country's in a hell of a lot of trouble?'
- Toby: 'Til I spend time with the other guys.
The Birnam Wood
- Bartlet: Whether you choose to do this today or ten years from today, you will face the same geography, the same neighbors, the same ancient animosities. More years of bloodshed and pain will not change those facts. The only path to a real and lasting peace is through negotiation.
- Mukarat: They've done everything in their power to undermine moderate leadership. Don't they understand when they blow up leaders of Hamas with bombs, all those Palestinian homes, they only make them stronger? Boys and girls, they no longer want to be doctors, teachers, engineers. Now, they all want to be martyrs.
- Leo: I can't support this decision. For a short period, we may be welcome. But what happens when we have to start kicking in doors? Declare martial law? Enforce curfews?
- Bartlet: Once they establish a rule of law, and their economy settles down, they'll be quiet.
- Leo: This isn't a romp in the desert! You're committing American lives to something that may go on for decades!
- Bartlet: [angrily, nearly shouting] How are we not involved now?! [suddenly goes quiet, looking back at the house, then, quieter, shaking his head] We can't keep having this argument.
- Leo: No, sir, we can't. If my counsel is no longer of use to you, perhaps...
- Bartlet: So, if I disagree with your advice, you have to threaten me?
- Leo: This is your own League of Nations, and it will ruin you like it ruined Wilson.
- Bartlet: Okay. I'll need your successor in place before you leave.
- Kate: The tragedy is that the Palestinians and the Jews are so much alike.
- Charlie: How's that?
- Kate: All through history no one's wanted either of them.
- Bartlet: Any ideas on how to break the logjam?
- Josh: Too bad Congress isn't here. They'd just cook the books and hold a press conference.
Third-Day Story
- Abbey: [about Leo's heart attack] Stress actually restricts the flow of blood to the coronary arteries. What I'm saying is it's physiological. Unless you wanted him meditating his way through intelligence briefings and sleeping in a flotation device... There's nothing you did–
- Bartlet: I fired him.
- Abbey: What?
- Bartlet: Last night at Camp David, I fired him. What does that do to the flow of blood?
- Toby: We're fumbling. Our diplomatic strategy is a game of telephone.
- Bartlet: Read the coverage. We're doing fine.
- Toby: Today, sure, and the second day's story is how you pulled it off. But the third-day story is that Congress doesn't want to pay, that our coalition's fraying, that the spokes are coming off the wheels–
- Bartlet: It's a couple of days. This was totally unexpected.
- Toby: No, it wasn't. Not with Leo's history with alcohol, with pills. Mr. President, surely you had a process in place.
- Bartlet: Not for this. You think we'd even be doing this without him?
- Toby: No, sir, but Leo is one person and there are 290 million more and they come first.
- Abbey: You think this is your fault? It's not.
- Bartlet: He's my best friend. I'm not the kind of person who has best friends.
- Abbey: Because your life is your work, and so is his; your work.
- Bartlet: What are you trying to say?
- Abbey: You chose this; both of you. You're running a country, for God's sake, not a tree house.
- Bartlet: Well, Leo stays in the tree house if he wants to. We'll work around his recovery; half-days, whatever it takes.
- Abbey: He's not going to work half days. He's not going to work around his recovery. He's not going to do whatever it takes.
- Bartlet: That's his decision.
- Abbey: And we know what that decision is going to be.
- Bartlet: So I should wake him up and fire him again? Because it worked so well the first time?
- Abbey: Let's talk about this time. You've got to keep him out of that job. He'll kill himself for you if you don't.
- Bartlet: I'd like to know why my Treasury Secretary's on national television denouncing a tax cut I never saw because of an estimate I never asked for.
- Josh: We did offer to brief you on the details.
- Bartlet: Brief me now.
- Josh: We're not quite ready to brief you on the details.
- Bartlet: Because you made a complete hash of it; the Leadership's sole request before taking up peacekeeping.
- Toby: We're close to 60 Democratic votes.
- Josh: It's just that you might face a decision about the fall legislative agenda.
- Bartlet: What is that?
- Toby: Would you prefer a bill to appoint an American monarch...
- Josh: ...or a ban on the institution of marriage, except in casinos and department stores.
- Bartlet: You tell the Speaker and the Majority leader that with my newfound royal authority, with all my free time now that my marriage has been banned, and with the support of every NATO member in my pocket I'm sending those peacekeepers to the Middle East. If Congress wants to feed them, pay them, or ever bring them back, that's entirely up to them.
- Toby: I assume we're free to play with the language on that.
- Bartlet: We're done here.
- Leo: Mr. President.
- Bartlet: A morphine drip, and we can skip the formalities. I might get one myself... wheel it into meetings with the joint chiefs. You're not fired, Leo. You can delegate, work part-time. Bring the morphine with you for all I care.
- Leo: You... You remember... what you told me... when you offered me the job?
- Bartlet: "I need you to jump off a cliff."
- Leo: And I did. And I'd do it again. But you need a new... chief of staff.
- Bartlet: We came here to put the job first. Spend our lives for something that would outlast us. I just thought we'd have a longer line of credit is all. I'm gonna need that list of names.
- Leo: Only one name.
Liftoff
- C.J.: [to Margaret] You're an odd woman and I've never quite understood you. But you are extremely capable and you run this office like a Swiss watch. And you're tall, which is reassuring. Leo may need you and if he does, that's okay. But if he's willing to part with you, I hope you'll stay.
- Toby: C.J., wow this is hard. Couldn't be happier that you got this gig. But I think it's just time for me to go. Six years is a - I just think it's time for me to move on, and this is my letter of resignation to the President.
- Josh: I don't want to pile on, but working for one of my closest friends is, I think, I'm not going to be at my best.
- [Toby and Josh put down letters]
- C.J.: Josh, you can't... [looks at Josh, then Toby]
- Bartlet: I'm sorry to barge in.
- C.J.: Mr. President, can I have just a minute?
- Bartlet: I'll make this quick. I don't know if I'm comfortable working this closely with a woman. Maybe it's time for me to call it a day, give the VP a chance to steer the ship.
- [C.J. looks confused; after a moment, Toby starts giggling, which sets everyone off, and C.J. realizes the prank]
- Bartlet: [to Toby] You're weak. You have a weak will. You should have held it. See if she pulled out the Continuity of Government plan.
- Will: He cracked up at the mere suggestion of the VP...
- Toby: [Still giggling uncontrollably] I had a whole thing on spending time with my kids, I went up.
- C.J.: You are bad, bad men.
- Bartlet: In the service of a vengeful god.
- Will: On behalf of the Vice President and myself and every man who's ever had a Wonder Woman fantasy, it's a bright day.
- C.J.: Get out.
- C.J.: You got the energy quarterly?
- Bartlet: I got it right here, thank you.
- C.J.: I'd like it back.
- Bartlet: How about you get your own copy?
- C.J.: We're not ready to assess domestic nuclear storage facilities, sir. The team hasn't evaluated all the options and I haven't presented you with complete information.
- Bartlet: You don't think this is a good start?
- C.J.: I think it's you doing my job for me. You're looking at this based on DOD's call. Their perspective is valid, but it's only one perspective, and until we've gathered all the others, if you need something to read, I recommend the new Benjamin Franklin bio. It's a real page turner. [Grabs papers and begins to exit] Thank you, Mr. President.
- Debbie: What was that?
- Bartlet: I just got spanked.
- Debbie: Hmm... Sorry I missed it. She still nervous?
- Bartlet: I don't think so, no.
The Hubbert Peak
- Bartlet: [to C.J.] I'm noticing a distinct slackening of awe, a certain lack of trembling in my presence.
- Toby: On a scale of 1 to 10 - 10 being C.J. and 1 being a chimp throwing feces - where do I rank?
- Annabeth: How do you get women? Briefing the press is a seduction.
- Toby: Briefing the press isn't a seduction. It's war!
- Annabeth: [about Josh] He totaled a hybrid with an SUV. He's like an eco-terrorist in reverse.
The Dover Test
- Leo: One difference between the Mahatma and myself. I warn you there are others. You may browbeat me into using the breath spirometer. You may mother me about wound care. You may dole out the Vicodin like my AA sponsor. You may even entertain me with nutrition lectures.
- Nurse: You need to eat.
- Leo: You may not - may not - offer fashion advice.
- Donna: I wasn't heroic. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
- Santos: 'Settle for less?' This is from the guys that are running Bob Russell for President?
- Josh: You're too good at this. You can't just walk away.
- Santos: Watch me.
A Change is Gonna Come
- Hoynes: [to Josh] It's time to start leading. You're never going to be Leo McGarry to Jed Bartlet. But you can be Leo to me. I'm running for President. I want you with me. I want you to run my campaign.
- Bernard: Did you pick out that tie, or is it government-issue?
- Charlie: My sister bought me this tie.
- Bernard: The things we put up with for family.
- Josh: I'm going to need a converter for China, and I can't find my garment bag.
- Donna: I think baggage claim is in the next terminal over.
- Josh: You used to love it when I couldn't dress myself without you.
- Donna: I used to love peppermint ice cream, too, but now those little pieces of candy, they get stuck in your teeth in a way that I find irritating.
- Josh: [to C.J.] Sure. I'll start pulling together the briefing packets for you. Come on, you're going; you need Toby to deal with the press. Somebody's got to man the fort here. I'm fine staying. You're his guy. You're in the room, in the chair. He needs you. That's how it was with Leo; that's how it's supposed to be.
In the Room
- Will: [to Josh] He's smart enough to take your advice... Bob Russell might be the next President of the United States. You get in now, you can make him the candidate you want him to be. After that we make him the President we need him to be.
- Leo: Ever see Arnie Vinick campaign? He'll go into those high school gymnasiums in Iowa and New Hampshire and blow them all away. He'll shake every hand in the joint, kiss every baby, hug every widow on Social Security and sound smarter and more honest than any Republican they've ever seen. Because he is.
- Will: [About Bob Russell] He's not stupid.
- Josh: That's your bumper sticker?
- Penn Jillette: What if we burned a flag, not in protest, but in celebration of the very freedoms that allow us to burn a flag - the freedoms that everyone who has ever worked in this magnificent building has pledged to preserve and protect?
- Josh: [taken aback] Did you go to law school?
- Penn Jillette: No, clown school.
- Bartlet: [woken by his staff, in his cabin on Air Force One] I thought you were gonna let me rest.
- C.J.: I'm so sorry, sir. State just got a heads-up from the IAEA that they're gonna report tomorrow that the South Korean government has admitted to conducting an experiment to enrich uranium. [as C.J. is talking, Bartlet is looking down at his legs and his arm, in some realization] South Korea is not releasing any details. We need you to get on the phone and get the President to come clean. We can't ask China to help stop North Korean nuclear experiments if the South is doing it too. [she picks up a phone] Get us a secure line with the South Korean President.
- Bartlet: [softly] C.J....hold it.
- C.J.: Sir?
- Bartlet: ...I can't move.
- [moments later, the President is taken on a stretcher to another part of the plane]
- Surgeon General Griffith: Progressive paralysis, he had trouble with his hands, now it's both legs and his right arm...
- Bartlet: [sarcastically] So much for being staff-dependent in China.
- Surgeon General Griffith: Fairbanks is closer, but Anchorage is better--
- Bartlet: I've got better doctors up here than I do down there.
- C.J.: Mr. President, we can't take the chance--
- Bartlet: Let's not pretend we didn't know this was gonna happen.
- C.J.: No, Mr. President, I didn't know...
- Bartlet: I mean, we always knew it was gonna happen someday. I'm ready for it, you better be too.
- C.J.: Mr. President, we can't land in China--
- Bartlet: [sternly] This plane is going to China. That's a direct order from your Commander-in-Chief.
Impact Winter
- Bartlet: I'm in one meeting the whole day. All they did was feed me tea made with Tienchi Ginseng and deer horn glue. You see, it's the thing for the nerve damage. But that meant I had to piss every twelve minutes, which is more of an ordeal than it was when I could stand without assistance. The new kid, Curtis, and I are becoming very close.
- Margaret: There's someone here from NASA. He needs to speak to whoever's in charge, and at this point I have no idea who that is.
- Leo: Maybe, keep the philosophical questions to yourself?
- Josh: Cabinet meeting?
- Will: ...an informal conversation with senior members of the administration.
- Josh: President doesn't need the Cabinet swooping in on their shining steeds.
- Will: Wanna step into your office or something?
- Josh: The president is still running the show, on two continents. Russell can stop with the less than subtle insinuations to the contrary. There will be no cabinet meeting.
- Will: It's been announced. You don't think it will be more awkward if it doesn't happen.
- Josh: You know what? Watch yourself. You and the candidate.
- Will: You done?
- Josh: No. Free advice for the campaign trail - stop with the ceaseless mentions of his tennis game. Doesn't make him look young and vigorous, it makes him look like a dilettante who can't settle down with a thick book.
- Donna: Wheels down in Beijing in a minute or so.
- [Will leaves]
- Josh: A cabinet meeting.
- Donna: You really think all the talk about tennis makes him look flaky?
- Josh: No, I think it makes him look young and vigorous.
- Leo: I just looked at the tape.
- Josh: Vinick's announcement? Makes you want to cry like a little girl, doesn't it?
- Leo: It's a tough primary for him. I wouldn't tear my shirt yet.
- Josh: Russell offered me campaign manager.
- Leo: Really?
- Josh: Turned him down. Hoynes asked too.
- Leo: Popular. You change your cologne or something?
- Josh: Think Hoynes could win?
- Leo: With Baker out? Russell's got a huge financial advantage. Sitting VP, he's going to raise a lot more money and he's in a position to offer a lot more favors.
- Josh: Hoynes is a guy without a job.
- Leo: That said, Hoynes is much more experienced in the job that Bob Russell holds, he was elected senator of a huge, complicated, and usually Republican state and Russell got elected representative of a district the size of my thumb.
- Josh: Hoynes is smarter than Russell. He'll kick his ass in the debates.
- Leo: And he's got more foreign policy experience. It could happen. But you gotta want to work for him and you gotta want him to win. You want that?
- Josh: I want to get Jed Bartlet a third term.
- Leo: Yeah. What happened to the good old days when a couple of hacks with cigars chose the nominee in a smoke-filled back room?
- Josh: They didn't do so bad, did they? Roosevelt, Truman, Eisenhower.
- Leo: We need a back room.
- Josh: Well, we just about outlawed smoking and at this point I'm not allowed to look at a cigar. But we're it. You and me. This is the back room.
- Santos: Wow. Hi.
- Josh: How ya doin'?
- Santos: You lost?
- Josh: Could be. Could be.
- Santos: Come on in.
- Josh: Um, sorry to bug you at home, but there wasn't time to wait for you to get back to Washington.
- Santos: I'm there next week.
- Josh: I'm on a bit of a deadline. It's a filing deadline.
- Santos: Josh, Josh, Josh.
- Helen: Matt?
- Josh: It's a little crazy, I know.
- Santos: I'm not running for Congress again, Josh. You came a long way and I'm sorry about that, but it's just...
- Josh: I'm not talking about Congress.
Faith Based Initiative
- Bartlet: If I'd wanted to exercise, I'd have never become an economist.
- Bartlet: Is upholding the sanctity of marriage our job? I raised my right hand and swore an oath to uphold the Constitution.
- Sen. Wilkinson: Where was your left hand, Mr. President?
- Toby: [to Josh, about leaving to run Santos' campaign] You can't leave. We're not done here.... You're going to walk into the Oval Office and tell the President you just found a better horse?
- Josh: What are you going to do when this is done?
- Toby: Whatever I can to stave off the chaos, mayhem and self-interest that lies just beneath our civil disguise.
- Josh: So, not the private sector?
- Toby: The money would have to be unbelievable.
- Santos: I wanted to start this journey in the place where it all started for me. Soon, we will be inundated by the polls, the punditry, and prognostications, all the nonsense that goes with our national political campaigns. Well, none of that matters. This is the place that matters. Because everyday, children walk into this schoolhouse to glimpse their futures, to ask for hope. They may not know they need it yet, but they do. And I'm here to tell you that hope is real. In a life of trials, in the world of challenges, hope is real. In a country where families go without health care, where some go without food, some don't even have a home to speak of, hope is real. In a time of global chaos and instability where our faiths collide, as often as our weapons, hope is real. Hope is what gives us the courage to take on our greatest challenges, to move forward together. We live in cynical times, I know that. But hope is not up for debate. There is such a thing as false science, there is such a thing as false promises, I am sure I will have my share of false starts. But there is no such thing as false hope. There is only hope.
Opposition Research
- Josh: [after Santos admits he only became a candidate to get a couple of months of media exposure for his education plan] I gave up everything for this! You aren't even in it to win?
- Santos: Maybe we have a different definition of winning, Josh.
- Josh: You're not making it easy.
- Santos: Well, you know if we're going to do this, I'm not going to make it easy.... I'm going to push every limit. And that's the campaign you get to run.
- Josh: What if I can't make that work?
- Santos: Well, then no one can.
- Josh: One idea is a big fund raising drive in the Latino community.
- Santos: I don't feel comfortable with that right now.
- Josh: Its a huge donor base you alone can tap.
- Santos: Josh, I don't wanna just be the brown candidate, I want to be the American candidate.
- Josh: How do you want to go broke? As the brown candidate or the American candidate?
- Santos: I want this to be a campaign of ideas... and these campaigns always wind up being about a candidate's high school transcripts.... You know, if we just took the money the campaign spent on personality contests and partisan side shows, we could solve this country's problems and shut down talk radio, all at the same time.
- Josh: New Hampshire is about retail politics. People here won't vote for you until you've had coffee in their house five times.
365 Days
- Leo: We've been here seven trips around the sun. Done some things we're proud of, things we're less pleased about... It may be time for us to take our own temperature; an internal inventory... What's done. What's undone. What's done that we'd like to undo or do over.
- C.J.: Overwhelming response to the State of the Union. Thirty-six interruptions for applause.
- Bartlet: I don't know what's more embarrassing: that we count them or that I care.
- Kate: It’s not just that it’s futile. I mean, as long as Americans are willing to pay $60 a gram for cocaine some peasant farmer earning $60 a year is going to grow it. It’s just so geopolitically counter-productive. We turn their villages into war-zones, we destroy their land, we poison their families with herbicides, and then we’re surprised when they go vote for the socialists.
- Debbie: That wasn't very long.
- Bartlet: I couldn't sleep.
- Debbie: Couldn't or wouldn't?
- Bartlet: I have three daughters and a wife; two of whom are also doctors. If you presume I don't get enough of that sort of comment, you're really not using your imagination.
- Leo: Everyone's walking around here like we're finished. We have 365 more days.... For both of us, sir, this is our last game. Let's leave it all out on the field.
King Corn
- Vinick: I read about that education plan you introduced in New Hampshire. That's pretty gutsy stuff.
- Santos: Saw the ethanol speech.
- Vinick: Well, that wasn't gutsy so much as suicidal. Or so my staff tells me... My staff is very proud.
- Santos: Well, if they weren't, I was.
- Vinick: You're not an ethanol fan?
- Santos: Not until today.
- Vinick: Making a gallon of ethanol takes almost a gallon of oil. That's like saying using tonic water as an additive reduces our demand for gin.
- Bob Mayer: Will you at least look at the ethanol report?
- Vinick: It's a classic study of a stupid policy rammed down our throats by special interests. Makes about as much sense as building patio furniture out of corn. But sure, I'll take a look.
- Donna: Mr Johnson, your platform would include paying the President, the Cabinet and all members of Congress a salary of one dollar a year?
- Mr. Johnson: Hell, yeah. Make 'em get a real job.
- Donna: And you want to ban motorcycle helmets, color televisions, drop out of the UN, abolish Medicare and totally privatize Social Security?
- Mr. Johnson: You gotta get the government out of our damn pockets.
- Donna: Sir, are you sure you're a Democrat?
The Wake Up Call
- Bartlet: All I have in this situation is influence. Influence and relationships. If you take that away from me, I am powerless!
- Leo: What? Prime Minister Graty thinks you are an intellectual snob. A Yankee Doodle windbag. Likely as not you would have made things worse.
- Bartlet: If an American dies and there is even the slightest suspicion of international intrigue, she's supposed to wake me.
- Leo: Since when? If I had used that rule, you'd be dead by now of sleep deprivation.
- C.J.: [about the President's Valentine date] You're taking her to the opera?
- Bartlet: Verdi's Othello, romantic eh?
- C.J.: Isn't that the one where the guy kills his wife?
- Bartlet: It's in Italian, I'm hoping she won't notice.
- Toby: You're not planning on writing a constitution this week?
- Lessig: The document is just a beginning. A constitutional democracy succeeds only if the constitution reflects democratic values alive in the citizenry. Which is why our most important job is to instill those values in their leaders through discussion and debate.
- Toby: I don't think a strong executive is such a good idea... Half the faculty at Yale Law describes the American Presidential system as one of this country's most dangerous exports... It is a recipe for constitutional breakdown!
- Lessig: Well, I can see this is going to be a vibrant discussion.
Freedonia
- Josh: How about our exclusion from the debates. Let's try that.
- Ned: So, what do we do? Film chicken coops and say they're too chicken to debate us?
- Josh: I want two volunteers. I want them in giant chicken suits. I want them in my office first thing in the morning.
- Josh: We can't afford a huge, glitzy ad buy, so we run something feisty, funny, out-of-the-box. Turns our one minute of prime time into a national sensation.
- Aide: Santos on ice skates, wearing a goalie outfit, pledging to defend America?
- Josh: [pause] Closer to the box than that.
- Santos: [in a live TV ad] Good evening. I'm running for President and if you don't know who I am, I wouldn't be surprised. I've been shut out of tomorrow night's debate for suggesting that it actually be a debate and this is the only ad I can afford. I got in this to improve a broken school system, to fix entitlement because they're going bankrupt, to expand health coverage because it will save money if fewer people show up in emergency rooms. What I found is that Presidential campaigns aren't about these things. They're about clawing your opponents' eyes out as long as you don't get tagged for it. So how about this: I will never say anything about my opponents or anything about anything without saying it myself, right into the camera. You might not get to hear much of me but when you do, you'll know I stand by it. I'm Matt Santos and you better believe I approve this ad.
Drought Conditions
- C.J.: You want me to hire Cliff Calley? No. He's the wrong choice. And he's irritating. And he's obnoxious.
- Leo: That's worked for us in the past.
- [Josh yells angrily outside door]
- Josh: [after seeing that Margaret is quite pregnant] Am I seeing things? or is she...
- C.J.: Very.
- Josh: Wow. I didn't know she was pregnant.
- Leo: She's pregnant.
- Josh: I didn't even know she was married... [beat; Leo and C.J. stare at him] Right. How is the President doing?
- Cliff: I turned you down.
- C.J.: Nobody turns us down. We're like the Mob, only less violent. Ultimately responsible for more death and destruction.
- Toby: Sometimes I think, what if I were at UNICEF or United Way pulling together the AIDS fight, or back in New York turning the public school system around? Would that be a more effective use of my 24 hours? Not this. Not pushing on the ocean.
- Leo: You are no longer the guy who picks losing candidates and ushers them to their principled end. You're the guy who takes good men and makes them great. You and Josh, you still think you're terriers barking at the heels of the party. You are the party. Rafferty's a spoiler, shouldn't be in the race.
- Toby: I'm not sitting this one out, Leo.
- Leo: Don't. But don't pretend you're still an outsider with a ponytail and a dream, you work in the White House... Your brother didn't have any more fight in him. You still do.
A Good Day
- Will: [on the tiff with Canada] The Vice President advocates a hard line.
- Kate: Permanent lockout in the NHL? Maple syrup embargo? Turn off Niagara Falls?
- Kate: [to the Canadian ambassador] Ambassador, listen carefully. An hour ago, I reviewed the United States' contingency plan to invade your country.
- Will: Uh...there's a contingency plan...
- Kate: 1789, amended in 1815, the calligraphy is beautiful. And if one more "deal" is floated in this room, I'm gonna ask DOD to reactivate it. [walks out]
La Palabra
- Santos: You know, when I got out of the Marines, I hadn't been around my old neighborhood in Houston in a few years. I had just gotten this job offer from the Pentagon, and it required a full FBI background check. After a few weeks, the investigators - they came up to me, and they said, "We can't give you the job. We've interviewed all your old friends and neighbors. They can't confirm anything, not even your name." So I hop a plane, go back to the old block. I see my neighbor's 11- and 13-year-old kids. They're - they're sitting on the stoop, same as always, and they see me coming. They start running toward me and they're shouting "Tío Matt, Tío Matt - " Uncle Matt- "Tío Matt, "the Feds- they were here looking for you. We told 'em we never heard of you." 11 and 13. You're not the only one who can read bad polls, Josh. I am running for president in that Texas primary, and those kids are going to see me do that. And that's the only statement about my skin color I intend to make in this campaign.
- Santos: The Governor has already endorsed Hoynes... Nothing I say tomorrow is going to make a difference. We need to focus on electing a Progressive candidate. Then we can take on all the tough causes.
- La Palabra Rep: Now all we need is a progressive candidate.
- Josh: It's been two days since the press asked me a policy question. And I think that was about the smoking policy on the plane.
- Reporter: If the election were held today...
- Santos: People would be surprised, because it's usually held on Election Day.
Ninety Miles Away
- Senator Framingham: We were close once, back then.
- Leo: No. Senator, we just drank back then. We were never close.
In God We Trust
- Reporter: Senator, are you going to reconsider Reverend Butler's invitation to his church this weekend?
- Vinick: I fully respect Reverend Butler's position. I mean, I appreciate his invitation, and... Look, I respect Reverend Butler, and I respect his church too much to use it for my own political purposes. And that's exactly what I'd be doing if I went down there this Sunday. Because the truth is, it would just be an act of political phoniness. I may be wrong, but I suspect our churches already have enough political phonies in them. I don't see how we can have a separation of church and state in this government if you have to pass a religious test to get in this government. And I want to warn everyone in the press and all the voters out there, if you demand expressions of religious faith from politicians, you are just begging to be lied to. They won't all lie to you but a lot of them will. And it will be the easiest lie they ever had to tell to get your votes. So, every day until the end of this campaign, I'll answer any question anyone has on government, but if you have a question on religion, please go to church.
- Vinick: What do you know about Republican politics?
- Bruno: I don't care about Republican politics.
- Vinick: Well, that I believe.
- Bruno: I don't care about Democratic politics, either. Okay, I do care about the Democrats. Look, they don't know it yet; you are the best thing to ever happen to them. You're moving the Republicans away from the right wing. You're not saying Democrats are not patriotic; you're just saying that your approach is better than theirs. You are making politics a fair fight again. What? You think I'm a spy? I snuck in here, I'm trying to steer you wrong?
- Vinick: The thought has crossed my mind.
- Bruno: I have spent the last 20 years ripping this country apart, finding wedge issues to separate the voters, you don't have to do that to win; not this time. You do this right, you can do a lot more than win. You can stop using politics to divide this country. You can show us how much we agree, instead of how much we disagree. You can put this country back together.
- Bartlet: It's not up to us to decide what the voters get to use in evaluating us.
- Vinick: A little odd coming from someone who wasn't completely open about his health.
- Bartlet: That was a big mistake.
- Vinick: Was it? What did we know about Lincoln's health when he was running: nothing. Washington? Jefferson? What about FDR's health? And when he died in office, did people say, "Gee, why didn't he tell us he was sick?" No. Did they say, "I wish I didn't vote for him"? No.
- Vinick: You think a voter really needs to know if I go to church?
- Bartlet: I don't need to know, but then I'm not going to vote for you anyway.
- ...
- Vinick: Whatever happened to the separation of church and state?
- Bartlet: It's hanging in there, but I'm afraid the constitution doesn't say anything about the separation of church and politics.
- Vinick: Help me keep a secret.
- Bartlet: What's that?
- Vinick: That I just gave you more than you asked for. Let me hang around for a while, as if we're really slugging it out in here.
- Bartlet: Can I get you anything?
- Vinick: Where's the ice cream?
Things Fall Apart
- Leo: How are you feeling, Sir?
- Bartlet: Vexed, riled, irked.
- Leo: The Republican Convention.
- Bartlet: Ticked, honked, pissed.
- Leo: You can't take it personally.
- Bartlet: That's what I keep telling myself. But when you start telling yourself that, it's too late: you're already taking it personally.
- Bartlet: [about the Democratic convention] We need someone strong enough to organize the damn thing.
- Leo: [resignedly] Wonder who we can get?
- Bartlet: If it helps, it gives me no pleasure dumping this damn thing on you.
- Leo: There's the pleasure of not having to do it yourself.
- Bartlet: Which is not inconsiderable.
- Will: [as Santos enters] Quick, hide the Ouija board.
- Santos: See, they can afford Ouija boards. Josh still has us reading chicken entrails.
- Vinick: It is with great humility that I accept your nomination for president of the United States. Before I share with you my vision for America, I want to say a few words about the man who I hope is my predecessor, President Josiah Bartlet. He has graced and honored his office, the highest in the land. The most powerful in the world, some would say, myself included. He has served this country steadfastly and laudably, and I say this despite our political and philosophical differences. For in the end, the presidency is more than a simple catalog of policies pursued, crises weathered, battles lost and won. It is a stewardship, a sacred trust, a commitment to sacrifice every fiber of your being, every thought, every moment, every ... every everything, in service to your nation. President Bartlet has done this well and ably, and he deserves nothing less than our humble appreciation and heartfelt gratitude.
- Leo: Nice what he said about you.
- Bartlet: Yeah. The bastard.
- Leo: He just picked up five million Democratic votes.
- Vinick: My commitment to strive to be worthy of the example of the great men who have gone before. Presidents walk in giant footsteps. They have magnificent legacies to uphold. I stand here on this day and put my name forth as one who aspires to their example, who will daily make that sacrifice. Who will honor not just the office, but the people that office serves. Their president of these United States of America.
2162 Votes
- Bartlet: A national security leak during the Democratic convention! Are we working for the Republicans now? They're going to whack us for the security leak and then whack us again for dithering over saving the lives of brave astronauts.
- Abbey: [about the Democratic convention] What are they doing?
- Bartlet: Eating their young.... It's a free-for-all. I think Aaron Burr's got 20 votes.
- Leo: You have to quit, Congressman. We have to unite behind a candidate.... We need these last days to put our message before the American people.
- Santos: You think either of them can beat Vinick in the Fall?
- Leo: Who knows? But you step aside for the good of the party; people won't forget. The President and I won't let them.
- Santos: Will I have a chance to address the convention again?
- Leo: Of course.
- Santos: You know I’d been hoping to stand here tonight under very different circumstances, and I have been asked by people that I respect to take this opportunity to support one of the other fine candidates who have made this race with me, to help decide who our nominee will be. But I can’t do that. I can’t do that because it’s not my place to decide who our nominee should be. That decision is yours and yours alone. Now there has been a great deal made about Governor Baker’s decision not to disclose his wife’s minor medical condition. Many people believe that he should have. But I don’t believe Governor Baker failed to disclose it because he was ashamed or embarrassed. I think he didn’t disclose it because we’re the hypocrites, not the Bakers; because we’re all broken, every single one of us, and yet we pretend that we’re not. We all live lives of imperfection and yet we cling to this fantasy that there’s this perfect life and that our leaders should embody it. But if we expect our leaders to live on some higher moral plain than the rest of us, well we’re just asking to be deceived. Now it’s been suggested to me this week that I should try to buy your support with jobs, and the promise of access. It’s been suggested to me that party unity is more important than your democratic rights as delegates. That’s right it’s not. And you have a decision to make. Don’t vote for us because you think we’re perfect. Don’t vote for us because of what we might be able to do for you only. Vote for the person who shares your ideals, your hopes, your dreams. Vote for the person who most embodies what you believe we need to keep our nation strong and free. And when you have done that, you can go back to Seattle, and Boston, to Miami, to Omaha, to Tulsa and Chicago, and Atlanta with your head held high, and say, “I am a member of the Democratic Party.”
- Leo: [about a potential VP candidate] Do you want me to get the President to lean on him?
- Josh: He told me that he'd kick the guy's ass all over the school yard, if it came to that.
- Leo: Who is it?
- Josh: You.
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The Ticket
- Annabeth: [about a poll] It's not out yet.
- Leo: Did I ask?
- Annabeth: No, but you wanted to.
- Leo: You wouldn't tell me even if you had it because I'm about to go onstage and you feel it's your responsibility to manage my mood, which it isn't.
- Annabeth: You know I left a great job to come work for this campaign.
- Leo: I'm just saying, I've been at this for awhile. I don't need the babysitting.
- Annabeth: You most certainly do. Just because you've trained a Preakness jockey doesn't mean you know how to sit a horse.
- Oliver Babish: [about Greg Brock, the recipient of a leak of classified information] So, you guys spend some time together?
- C.J.: Brock? We can pull a conversation.
- Oliver Babish: He's the guy?
- C.J.: Which guy would that be?
- Oliver Babish: Your fave.
- C.J.: I don't play favorites.
- Oliver Babish: I'm thinking you play favorites. Given the number of times his name appears on your call sheet. And also given the fact that six reporters in the White House Press Corps say you play favorites. It used to be Danny Concannon, now it's Greg Brock. So, it's a crush or an affair or a mutually acknowledged, but unrequited... What are we talking about here?
- C.J.: Oliver, I have a whole lot to do.
- Oliver Babish: It got personal with Danny, right? And if he's the new Danny...
- C.J.: We're not doing this.
- Oliver Babish: You talked to him every day. He drops by more than a guy with a phone in his pocket needs to drop by. And he published code word classified information on the front page of his newspaper. So, this does not fall under the category of things to which I do not need an answer.
- C.J.: ...You think the leak came from me... I'm the suspect.
- Oliver Babish: Can you tell me about the nature of your relationship with Greg Brock?
- Toby: We're getting some movement from Congress on education.
- Josh: What kind?
- C.J.: We'll get you a summary but probably class size reduction, a little infrastructure money, some version of performance incentives for teachers.
- Josh: That's right out of the Santos plan.
- C.J.: Well, he probably doesn't have the votes for it.
- Josh: He definitely doesn't have the votes.
- C.J.: But if he's [Haffley] expressing an interest...
- Josh: He's expressing an interest because the Vinick camp told him to.
- Toby: Could be.
- Josh: Education may be the only thing the public knows about Matt Santos other than his hair color. We would be thrilled if you kept the hands off.
- Toby: Wow. Okay.
- Josh: You think we can bring it up in a debate after Jed Bartlet's already moved on it? We'll look like idiots.
- Toby: That's unfortunate.
- C.J.: Okay, everybody, let's take a breath.
- Leo: Haffley is extending an olive branch. I'm sure the President is just being polite. He knows he can't get an education bill passed in his last six months.
- C.J.: The guy's got a 66% approval rating. We're not rolling up the rugs.
- Leo: A new Democratic administration will pass a much more powerful bill.
- C.J.: You people are nine points down. It's better than 20 points down, but it's not what I'd call a win.
- Josh: Hey...
- Toby: The only reason the Speaker is opening the door at all is because he thinks it may wound your campaign. You think he's going to walk in here a year from now and offer it to the bright-eyed new President?
- Leo: Haffley's playing you.
- Toby: No, actually, he's screwing you, and for the moment, we're comfortable with that.
- Leo: He's screwing the party.
- Josh: Leo.
- Leo: He's screwing the party and using this administration to do it.
- C.J.: The President did not take an oath of party, he took an oath of office.
- [Josh chuckles in disbelief.]
- [Donna comes for an interview]
- Josh: Donna...
- Donna: Let me get through this. It's one of the more awkward moments of a lifetime.
- Josh: I can't do this.
- Donna: I'm good is the point. I'm as surprised as you are and rumor has it that you could use a deputy.
- Josh: [reading from a file] "Matthew Santos is throwing a ton of numbers at you hoping you'll be so confused as to miss the fact that his education plan is both impractical and unaffordable. He was a House member, you'd think behavior like that would annoy him." Donna Moss, Spokesperson, Russell for President Campaign.
- Donna: I didn't mean that he was...
- Josh: "Claiming that 3 House terms qualifies you to be President is like me saying I'm a foreign relations expert because I ordered Kung Pao last night."
- Donna: I didn't say that, did I?
- Josh: February 26; Coffee, Cake, and Candidates; Raleigh, North Carolina. "He wasn't a military strategist, he was a pilot. Ask him about the overhead compartment, not about defense."
- Donna: You called Russell a cowpoke. You said the President avoided him in the halls. You hummed "These Boots Are Made For Walking" every time the press mentioned his name.
- Josh: Yeah, but I won.
- Donna: It was my job, Josh. You're not used to me being in a position of authority. I'm sure that's uncomfortable.
- Josh: I've got an airplane hangar out there filled with 500 strangers looking to me for direction. I've got a candidate who doesn't trust any of them, and frankly, neither do I. And if you don't think I [breath hitches] miss you every day.... [pause] I can make a couple of calls...
- Donna: [She gets up and starts to leave the office trying to hold back her tears] Thank you for your time.
- Santos: Look, nobody hired you because you'd be a brilliant campaigner. You're a beginner in all this. Yes, at the moment, you're a liability, but you'll get the hang of it. You're here because you know how to run a country. The conversation I'm interested in is how do we build a four year plan where you don't know what kind of Congress you're going to have to work with.
- Leo: That's what transition is about.
- Santos: I don't want to wait until transition. I want a plan in place. I want to spend transition hiring a staff that can execute it and on day one I want to get to work, not dickering around for the first three months. You want something to worry about, worry about that.
- Leo: OK. Let's start by reframing the question. Forget about a four year term, the presidency is 18 months. That's your window. After that, there's midterms. No one on the Hill has time to do business with you, they're too busy getting re-elected.
- Santos: Huh.
- Leo: Then suddenly, you're running again.
- Santos: So I'm basically throwing everything out but my first five pages.
- Leo: In the garbage. Realistically, one page. But, we can do this in phases.
The Mommy Problem
- Santos: [in a campaign ad] Now, if you don't think I have a personal stake in my economic plan, if you don't think it's personal for me - hey, if the country doesn't like it, I'll be the first one unemployed. We can't hang on to the jobs of the past; none of us can. The entire store of human knowledge now doubles every five years. A child that is born tonight could live to see the 22nd Century. If we nourish innovation, if we tear down red tape and regulation, that child could lead a brand new industry; can cure a dreaded disease; can touch a far horizon that we can't even glimpse yet. So if it's personal for you, if you want your child to grow up in a world fueled by new prosperity and path-breaking discovery, then I need your vote, 'cause you ain't seen nothing yet!
- Joey: All this attention on the leak story, it's magnifying the inevitable "Mommy Problem."
- Ronna Beckman: Mommy Problem?
- Josh: When voters want a national daddy...someone to be tough and strong and defend the country, they vote Republican. When they want a mommy, someone to give them jobs, health care...the policy equivalent of matzoh ball soup, they vote Democratic.
- Josh: [to media consultants] This is probably the greatest assemblage of Democratic talent since the last time Jed Bartlet dined alone.
- Lou: You saw Vinick on TV this morning. Clearly it wasn't about content, but he was tough and he was authentic. He was Neil Young to your Neil Diamond.
- Josh: I like Neil Diamond.
- Lou: I'm sure you do.
- Josh: We can't have a fight about a security leak. We'll get killed. I'm trying to change the conversation back to the economy.
- Lou: How about moving the conversation to the fact that while Santos was serving in the Gulf, Vinick was serving himself Chardonnay. That Santos is still serving in the Reserves as a Congressman. He's been in the Senate for, like, 90 years. He was practically born in a committee hearing. If you're not using the phrase "Beltway Arnie" in every press release...
- Josh: We're not going negative. Not now, not first.
- Lou: Oh, really. You don't think you're running a negative campaign? Why are you always talking about high-tech jobs? Because Vinick uses a manual typewriter and his future is a set of plastic gums. You're doing political smear like the rest of us. All I'm saying is do it right.
- Santos: What did you think of the reverse town hall?
- Lou: I didn't like your joke about being the first one unemployed.
- Santos: That's just a funny line.
- Lou: Shaving cream and seltzer are funny. Unemployment's not particularly funny.
- Santos: I've got the Council Chair after this, we could go egg her house. Was there anything that you did like about the town hall?
- Lou: Oh, sure, but I assume you have plenty of people around to tell you how great you are, and if you don't, you should hire some because they're wonderful.
- Santos: Yeah. No, we pay a premium for that. Say, are you familiar with the Mommy Problem?
- Lou: I am.
- Santos: Do you think I have one?
- Lou: That's something you're going to have to answer for yourself, because right now, Beltway Arnie is kicking you all around the electoral math, the White House is treating you like a fly on their governmental windshield. And I wonder if it's just Josh, or do you have what it takes to come out of the Candidate Protection Program and start kicking back.
Message of the Week
- Bruno: He should resign the Senate now so we can't be forced into any more difficult votes.
- Sheila: [on the phone] He'd be breaking his promise to Californian voters to serve his full six-year term.
- Bruno: We've already got enough problems with his voting record.
- Vinick: Hey, I'm proud of my voting record. Well, most of it. I'd quit the Senate in a second if I thought it'd help us win. Now it would just look like a cheap stunt.
- Bruno: I'm just saying...
- Vinick': Forget it. I'm not quitting the Senate.
- Sheila: We'll just have to turn the Senate into an advantage.
- Bruno: No senator has won the Presidency since 1960. There is a reason for that.
- Vinick: Sheila, will you please tell Bruno that when I make a decision, that's the end of the discussion.
- Male reporter: Senator, what do you think of Congressman Santos doing his Reserve duty in the middle of the campaign?
- Female reporter: Do you think it was a stunt?
- Vinick: A stunt? No, that was... that was devotion to duty. That's what makes the American military the greatest fighting force in the history of the world. And I hope Congressman Santos continues to do his duty when I'm Commander-in-Chief.
- Vinick: We've got to shake this up now. This is not business as usual.
- Bruno: Santos got a polling bump from the Reserve thing. That is gonna disappear just as fast...
- Vinick: Santos is not the standard-issue Democratic candidate.
- Dan: Yeah, he's weaker than the standard-issue Democratic candidate.
- Vinick: Matt Santos is a lot smarter and tougher than you think. We've got to take it to him. We've got to put Santos in a jam. We can't just cross our fingers and hope for the Houston Police Union to do it for us.
- Leon: First one to go negative is a show of weakness.
- Vinick: I want to knock him off message without ever mentioning his name.
- Bruno: Look, we can find ways that can surprise him.
- Vinick: I don't want to surprise him. I want to shock him.
- Dan: Go after the Latino vote?
- Bruno: Mm-hmm.
- [There is a pause. Nobody answers.]
- Bruno: Do-do I actually have to say how insane that is?
- Vinick: I've always won the Latino vote in California. Why should I give up on that now?
- Bruno: Well, I don't know. Let me think. Well, maybe because you're running against a Latino candidate who's going to get about... 2,000 percent of the Latino vote.
- Santos: You know, I introduced a guest worker program the first year I was in Congress. I couldn't even get a hearing on it. Vinick opens his mouth about it once, it's like he's parting the Red Sea.
- Lou: If you agree with it you're going to look like a follower, not a leader.
- Santos: He's the one that's following me on this.
- Lou: It won't look like it; not now. We can't be chasing reporters around with a six-year old page from the Congressional Record to prove you got there first.
- Santos: Yeah, well, I shouldn't have been hiding on these issues. I didn't want to be the brown candidate. I didn't want to be stereotyped. Josh was right; I should have gotten out in front of all this stuff during the primaries.
Mr. Frost
- Josh: After the round table we're going to have to put something out clarifying the Congressman's statement on Intelligent Design.
- Lou: That says what, he thinks God's a moron?
- Josh: He's running for President, not preacher-in-chief.
- Lou: He's not going to use Medicaid for communion wafers. He said he believes in God, as did Abe Lincoln and George Washington.
- Josh: We can't get sucked into these local issues.
- Lou: Yes, except Republicans have nominated the first pro-choice and, by all accounts, anti-God candidate in history. For the first time, we have a chance to reach into their base and win back religious voters, to tell a swath of the heartland that maybe, just maybe, we have a nominee who's not hostile to their cultural values.
- Clifford Reynolds: Clifford Reynolds. I teach English here at Leonard.
- Santos: Nice to meet you, Clifford.
- Clifford Reynolds: Thanks. May I ask you if you believe in the theory of evolution?
- Santos: Well, I think it'd be very difficult to teach geology, anthropology, and zoology without evolution, so yes, I do. I don't believe it's contradictory to believe in science and believe in God.
- Clifford Reynolds: Do you believe that the theory of Intelligent Design and the Theory of Evolution should be taught alongside each other in the public schools?
- Santos: Absolutely not. One is based on science, the other is based on faith. Intelligent Design is not a scientific theory, it's a religious belief. And our Constitution does not allow for the teaching of religion in our public schools.
- Clifford Reynolds: Many of us here would be more comfortable if our children were taught all points of view.
- Santos: And I'm all for that. Evolution is not perfect. It doesn't answer every question but it is based on scientific facts; facts that can be predicted, tested, and proven. Intelligent Design asks theological questions. I'm sure that many of us would agree that at the beginning of all that begat-ing, something began.
- [The people laugh]
- Santos: What was that something?
- Clifford Reynolds: Congressman Santos, many of us want a version of science taught to our kids that's in accordance with our beliefs.
- Santos: I understand. But can't we agree that the inclusion of non-scientific explanations into the science curriculum of our schools misrepresents the nature of science? And therefore compromises a central purpose in our public education which is the preparation of a scientifically literate workforce. If you have a problem with your child's education, get involved. If you have a problem with what the School Board wants to teach, run for School Board. We can never forget that the best way to preserve our democracy is to take part in it. Thanks for your question. Thank you all.
- Annabeth: Try to get some sleep. The motorcade's going to pick you up at 7:00 am sharp at your hotel. Now, once you wrap it up with Russert you have a thirty-minute window to get to Face the Nation followed by a sit-down with the Post.
- Leo: [as they wait for an elevator] Don't you ever get tired?
- Annabeth: No.
- Leo: And how is that?
- Annabeth: I graduated cum laude with a degree in Art history and if you'd told me I'd end up here... [they get into the elevator] ...let's just say I love my job.
- Leo: What time is it?
- Annabeth: [hands him his watch] Headed back to your hotel?
- Leo: Yeah. It's been a day.
- Annabeth: Hmm.
- Leo: What are you up to?
- Annabeth: Heading back to my apartment and a nice hot bath.
- Leo: You feel like dinner?
- Annabeth: I do, but--
- Leo: We'll get a bite. It's early.
- Annabeth: Thanks, but no. [pause] I just think it's better while we're spending so much time together that we try and keep our distance whenever possible.
- Leo: [confused] Keep our distance?
- Annabeth: Because of the tension. [walks out of the elevator]
- Leo: What tension?
- Santos: To be a person of faith is to have the world challenge that faith. Was the universe designed by God? That's up to everyone in this country to decide for themselves because the framers of our Constitution believed that if the people were to be sovereign and belong to different religions at the same time then our official religion would have to be no religion at all. It was a bold experiment then, as it is now. It wasn't meant to make us comfortable. It was meant to make us free.
- C.J.: [to Toby] Good evening. You would not believe the day I had. I'd tell you about it if I could talk about it, but a bunch of stuff happened today that I can't talk about, so I guess I should stop talking about it. [hands a folder to Margaret] But the truth is, I'm so strung out and wired on caffeine that I can't even tell what room I'm in.
- Toby: C.J....
- C.J.: Let's open that bottle of champagne you gave me for my birthday. Maybe the alcohol will balance out the caffeine.
- Toby: C.J., the leak--
- C.J.: [gets out the bottle of champagne and two glasses] Let's have a toast. One final toast before I leave the White House for my perp walk in leg irons. Here, you open it.
- Toby: C.J.
- C.J.: Fine, I'll open it. But just, uh, listen to what I have to say. Leo's in trouble.
- Toby: I know.
- C.J.: You do?
- Toby: I got a lawyer.
- C.J.: What?
- Toby: I got a lawyer.
- [C.J. looks up with concern on her face]
- Toby: I did it.
Here Today
- Margaret: I reached Oliver Babish. He says you owe him a raspberry panna cotta cheesecake.
- CJ: He'll live.
- Margaret: Longer, probably.
- Babish: Who were you talking to?
- Toby: My attorney's voice mail.
- Wayne: My instructions were that you sit quietly.
- Toby: I'm pretty sure I used my indoor voice.
- Lou: I was thinking while you were asleep.
- Josh: I wasn't asleep.
- Lou: Oh, really? With the drooling, the twitching, and muttering to yourself, which might otherwise be described as a schizophrenic episode, I'd go with 'You were sleeping.'
- Toby: I was hoping we would be able to speak in private.
- Bartlet: Your actions have pretty much made that impossible. I haven't had much time to absorb this news, so I'll apologize in advance if I express any half-formed thoughts. But the one thought that hits the hardest is that this was somehow inevitable; that you've always been heading for this sort of crash-and-burn. That self-righteous superiority; not that you were smarter than everyone; that you were purer, morally superior.
- Toby: Due respect, sir, I don't think I'm morally superior to everyone.
- Bartlet: No, just to me.
- Bartlet: Toby...
- Toby: Yes, sir?
- Bartlet: When you walk out of here, there'll be people out there, perhaps a great many, who'll think of you as a hero. I just don't for a moment want you thinking I'll be one of them.
The Al Smith Dinner
- Josh: The ad's a sham. Anyone can see from the full interview.
- Lou: Then bam, we hit Vinick with a political two-by-four.
- Josh: You don't have to be happy about this.
- Lou: You don't have to be queasy about this.
- Josh: You don't know Santos the way I do. If this becomes a full-out negative...
- Lou: You think he's got a glass jaw?
- Josh: I think we lose a negative ad war. I think the other side is better at this and I think they have more to work with.
- Will: You saw the wires. They counted the number of questions I was asked this morning because I didn't answer one of them.
- C.J.: You thought we were going to get good coverage this week?
- Will: 47, by the way; a career high.
- C.J.: You have to let the press punch themselves out.
- Will: You're talking to the punching bag. My job is to look like I'm not completely ignorant. Counsel won't even brief me on the details of Toby's firing.
- C.J.: I asked them not to.
- Will: Don't you want me to have a shred of credibility in the briefing room?
- C.J.: Your ignorance is your credibility. That's why I put you in this job. And your constituents aren't in that room, they're in distressed urban areas. You brief at 4:00.
- Will: 0 for 47. I'm the Jamaican Bobsledding Team!
- Lou: Yeah, come with me.
- Josh: Where are we going?
- Lou: Bedroom/office/staff room.
- Josh: OK, I don't want to seem ungracious. We've all been under a lot of pressure. It's just that...
- [they enter the room, and Donna is sitting on the bed]
- Josh: Hi.
- Donna: Hi.
- Lou: I don't know what the problem is between you two, but she's great on television and I don't care if she worked for Francisco Franco in the primary. Right now, it's all hands on deck, so work it out.
- Vinick: Politics is about practicality.
- Hodder: Not if you think abortion is murder.
- Vinick: Whether you do or not, Roe v. Wade has been the law of the land for decades. Most of the country is not ready to change that. Neither am I.
- Hodder: Well, that's not the party's position.
- Vinick: I joined this party because the liberals were the ones who always wanted something from the government. We just wanted government to leave us alone. Especially when there's no consensus otherwise. I'm trying to lead the majority who agrees on that, not the minority who wants to enact their version of Leviticus into law.
- Santos: Next time you decide to smear me maybe you'll have the guts to do it yourself.
- Vinick: I had nothing to do with that ad. You blew off the debates. It's clear what kind of campaign you want.
- Santos: Oh, I forgot how eager you were for debates. And next time you send left-wing lobbyists to my office don't forget the gift card. You want an ugly campaign you're going to get one.
- Vinick: I didn't start this.
- Santos: Nah, your henchmen did it for you. [pause] You're hitting me on partial-birth tonight, aren't you? [He shakes his head and chuckles]
- Vinick: Here we are, a Presidential campaign, grand national debate, pounding each other on one of the few things we basically agree on.
- Santos: Then let's negotiate now.
- Vinick: Excuse me?
- Santos: No backroom tactics. You and me, a real debate.
- Vinick: Oh, please.
- Santos: A real debate, really.
- Vinick: No negative ads. No attacks in our speeches out there.
- Santos: If we can have a real debate on the issues, just you and me...
- Vinick: How's Sunday night?
- [Santos holds out his hand. Vinick shakes it.]
- Vinick: It's a hell of a way to end your campaign.
- Santos: Oh, I'm just getting started.
The Debate
- Vinick: It is truly an honor to be here tonight. I would...You know, I've watched every televised Presidential debate that this country has ever had. And every time I heard them recite the rules, I always thought that meant they're not going to have a real debate. When the greatest hero of my party, Abraham Lincoln debated, he didn't need any rules. He wasn't afraid of a real debate. Now I could do a 2-minute version of my Sensible Solution stump speech and I'm sure Congressman Santos has a memorized opening statement ready to go. And then we could go on with this ritual and let the rules decide how much you're going to learn about the next President of the United States, or we could have a debate Lincoln would have been proud of. We could junk the rules. We could let our able and judicious moderator ask us questions. And we could forget about whether each of us has the exact same number of seconds to speak. We could have a real debate if that's all right with you, Matt.
- Forrest Sawyer: Um, Senator, according to the rules, candidates may not direct...
- Santos: No, please. [to Vinick] You mean like a Senate debate? What are you going to do, filibuster me? Are you going to grab the microphone for a whole hour?
- Vinick: No, no, no. We tell the American people what they need to hear, no more, no less. I suspect the audience will reward brevity.
- [The audience laughs and claps.]
- Santos: Okay, let's have a real debate.
- Santos: [about border problems with Mexico] This is not a law enforcement problem. This is an economic problem. If Mexico's economy was as strong as Canada's, there wouldn't be a problem. The President cannot solve this problem. You cannot seal a 2,000-mile border. Mexico has to solve it. Mexico has to grow its own economy. It has to provide enough jobs so that it's not worth it to try to cross into our borders illegally. There is no other real solution to this. And Senator Vinick is smart enough to know that and I think you are, too.
- Vinick: Liberals who are opposed to tax cuts anyway always say you can't cut taxes until you've cut spending. I say we can lecture our children about overspending until we run out of breath or we can just cut their allowance. I'm a cut-the-allowance kind of parent.
- Santos: Our whole school system has been slipping for years and our rankings with other countries in math and science achievement... we've got to find a way to turn that around. If we provide the school systems and teachers with everything they need and the flexibility to experiment with fresh new approaches, I think that American students can be number one in the world in math and science in ten years.
- Vinick: That's a lie.
- ...
- Vinick: It's a lie that every President, Democrat and Republican, has been telling for 20 years: we're going to be number 1 in ten years. Go ahead, Google it right now. I'm not saying that every President knew it was a lie when he said it or that Congressman Santos knows it's not true, but I do. So let me tell you what our goals should be, our realistic goals. First of all, let's stop pretending that everyone can or should go to college. Every airline needs high-paid mechanics and none of them have to go to college. There are plumbers in some parts of the country that make a better living than dentists. Now, I'm not talking about lowering our ambitions. I'm talking about targeting our ambitions correctly. Now, it's true: some other countries have raised their academic standards over and above what they were once. But we still have the best scientists in the world, the best doctors, and by far the most Nobel prizes. If a kid does well in one of those foreign high schools, guess where he or she wants to go to college. That's right; Harvard, Stanford, Caltech, the University of Texas, and a hundred other American universities that are better than anything they have in their countries. So, if we're going to have a practical approach to education, we're going to have to admit that not every one can go to MIT. But most of the kids who do go to MIT come from American public schools.
- Vinick: Entrepreneurs create jobs. Business creates jobs. The President's job is to get out of the way.
- Santos: Do you want a President who will get out of the way when corrupt executives are plundering a company like Enron?
- Vinick: Hey, I'll go after corporate crime. My running mate, Ray Sullivan, was very tough on white-collar crime when he was a prosecutor and my Attorney General will be just as tough.
- Santos: Do you want a President who will get out of the way when airline executives are putting their companies into bankruptcy so that they can avoid the pension responsibilities to the workers that have dedicated their lives to those companies?
- Vinick: Some of our older airlines are having trouble meeting their huge pension obligations at the very same time when they're facing intense competition from low-cost airlines that are so new they don't yet have pensions to pay. Now, an unthinking liberal will describe the airline bankruptcies as the evil capitalists screwing the workers.
- Santos: I didn't say that Senator and I don't think you should put words in my mouth.
- Vinick: No. Of course you didn't say it. You're not an unthinking liberal. Are you?
- [The audience laughs and applauds.]
- Santos: I know you like to use that word 'liberal' as if it were a crime.
- Vinick: No. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have used that word. I know Democrats think liberal is a bad word. So bad you had to change it. What do you call yourselves now, progressives? Is that it?
- Santos: It's true. Republicans have tried to turn liberal into a bad word. Well, liberals ended slavery in this country.
- Vinick: A Republican President ended slavery.
- Santos: Yes, a liberal Republican; Senator, what happened to them? They got run out of your party! What did liberals do that was so offensive to the Republican Party? I'll tell you what they did. Liberals got women the right to vote. Liberals got African-Americans the right to vote. Liberals created Social Security and lifted millions of elderly people out of poverty. Liberals ended segregation. Liberals passed the Civil Rights Act, the Voting Rights Act. Liberals created Medicare. Liberals passed the Clean Air Act, the Clean Water Act. What did Conservatives do? They opposed them on every one of those things, every one. So when you try to hurl that label at my feet, 'Liberal,' as if it were something to be ashamed of, something dirty, something to run away from, it won't work, Senator, because I will pick up that label and I will wear it as a badge of honor.
Undecideds
- Bram: The bus is here. We've really got to move.
- Lou: Sir, do you know what the average SMT time was this week?
- Santos: Bram clocks this. He rounds up because he's got money on it.
- Lou: 92 minutes.
- Santos: That's a lie!
- Helen: SMT?
- Edie: Santos Mean Time.
- Helen: 92 minutes late?
- Santos: The notion that I'm the problem is convenient, but completely fallacious!
- C.J.: Do me a favor and talk to Ellie about whatever problems you're having with her music.
- Will: Now?
- C.J.: I was supposed to be in there but then Kate happened. It's going to take a few minutes; I thought you could do your thing.
- Will: I was working!
- Kate: I was golfing.
- C.J.: Mini.
- Will: I've mastered the windmill shot, with the bridge.
- Kate: That's a hard one!
- Will: Hole-in-one.
- C.J.: People!
- Ellie: Look, we realize there's a lot that goes along with having a wedding at the White House, but anything we could do to keep the numbers under control...?
- Will: Sure.
- Ellie: I know my father needs to invite a lot of people but I'm not crazy about the spotlight and Vic's a little agoraphobic.
- Vic: It's not a phobia.
- Ellie: I was exaggerating.
- Vic: It's the occasional shortness of breath.
- Ellie: It's really nothing!
- Vic: ...sometimes I pass out.
- Will: [going over the guest list] Andrew Edward... what's he doing in the H's? Oh, right! His Royal Highness, Duke of York.
- [Vic stands up and looks uncomfortable]
- Ellie: Do you want to get some air?
- Will: Hey, at least he's not bringing the Queen. [pauses and checks the list] Oh, maybe he is bringing the Queen...
- Toby: [about Santos] He’s not presidential material.
- Josh: Why?
- Toby: Why? Because he left. He left Congress. He left Washington to go home and do small, important work. You had to haul him by the hair out of the family bed. Did you never stop to wonder if that was a good choice?
- Josh: He stepped up. When presented with the opportunity…
- Toby: [interrupting] A man in that job shouldn’t have to be presented with anything. It’s for someone who grabs it and holds onto it. For someone who thinks the gods have conspired to bring him to this place. That destiny demands of him this service! You don’t have that kind of drive, that hubris, how in the hell are you gonna make the kind of decisions that stump every other person in this country? How in the hell are you gonna hold that kind of power in your hand?”
- Josh: You don’t know he’s not that man.
- Toby: You don’t know that he is. [pauses] Is he? Look me in the eye and tell me that you know. Without a shadow of a doubt...you know. [pauses] That’s why the other guy wins.
The Wedding
- Abbey: You're not performing at the ceremony.
- Bartlet: I wasn't asked to.
- C.J.: Sir, I'm sorry to interrupt--
- Abbey: No, that's quite all right. He was about to go into his Spencer Tracy routine.
- Abbey: So, rumor has it you're going to have a chat with the groom tomorrow morning.
- Bartlet: I am.
- Abbey: Well, that will be lovely, I'm sure!
- Bartlet: What? I did it with Doug!
- Abbey: Yeah. I don't recall that as being an unqualified success.
- Bartlet: Well, now I've had a run of it.
- Abbey: You do know that talking him out of marrying your daughter is not an option.
- Bartlet: Yeah. [pause] You really think it's not an option?
- Will: [at a press conference on TV] Uh, they'll be walking down the aisle to "Sorge Nel Patto", the aria Gaffredo sings to his daughter in Handel's Rinaldo. The aria was picked for its beauty and its text, which translates roughly to, "a certain delight surges from my breast and promises to calm my heart."
- Kate: That was lovely.
- Will: I made it up. Don't tell.
- Vic: Sir, was there something you wanted to discuss?
- Bartlet: No, no. I just thought...you know, when you have a daughter, you just like to know...you really want to know whether...ah, hell. Just tell me you decided to marry her before you got her pregnant.
- Vic: Eleven months, two weeks and three days.
- Bartlet: Excuse me?
- Vic: That's when I decided to marry her: a year ago, on our third date.
- Bartlet: What was wrong with the first two?
- Santos: [about Josh] How'd it go?
- Leo: Fine.
- Santos: You taking over?
- Leo: No.
- Santos: Leo, I thought we...
- Leo: Josh is going to make a lot of strategic decisions over the next few weeks. He's going to sweat them like life and death. And they'll be important, sure, which is why you and me are going to be in on every one of them. But they're meaningless compared to the decision the voters are going to have to make just by listening to you and trying to see if they can connect with the idea of Matt Santos as President. And Josh has nothing to do with that. Goodwin's right: Josh has taken you as far as he can. The rest is up to you.
Running Mates
- Martin Sheen: Good evening. On December 16, we lost our good friend and colleague John Spencer. Through our shock and grief, we can think of no more fitting memorial to this wonderful man, this extraordinary actor, than to share with you, beginning tonight, the last few months of his work here on The West Wing. Johnny, it seems we hardly knew you; we love you and we miss you.
- [Josh and Donna are on the phone with each other]
- Santos: Tell Josh to chill.
- Donna: Josh, chill.
- Josh: Did you just tell me to chill?
- Donna: It would appear so.
- Josh: Is it somehow not clear that I'm your boss?
- Donna: Congressman's recommendation.
- Josh: Oh.
- Donna: To which I heartily concur.
- Josh: Yeah, I don't think you tell me to chill.
- Donna: I wanted to scream it everyday for eight years.
- Josh: Whatever inhibition prevented you, summon it.
- Santos: Is there a problem?
- Helen: It's just that when you said you were going to come home and spend time with the kids, I thought you were going to spend some time with the kids.
- Santos: I played with them this morning. I don't want to get in their faces. They're sick.
- Helen: They have head colds. It's unlikely you'll start bleeding from the eyes.
- Santos: I'm in the middle of a Presidential campaign.
- Helen: That's where you've been nights.
- Santos: I know it's been rough.
- Helen: The kids being issued panic buttons and the house transformed into an armed camp?
- Santos: A bit of an exaggeration.
- Helen: Do the windows in here look any different?
- Santos: No, not really.
- Helen: It's amazing the natural look they can achieve now with bulletproof glass. Labor Day, the barbecue: I had to provide the Secret Service with everyone's names, Social Security numbers, birth dates. To come by and have a hot dog, everybody had to be issued ID pins. My mother walking around tagged like she was some threatening wacko. If you're considering this an opportunity to crack a mother-in-law joke, you are seriously misjudging the mood of your audience.
- Santos: [pause] I had a real good one, too.
- Helen: Yeah, what?
- Santos: Too late. [pause] I'm sorry. Tomorrow will be better.
- [Helen laughs.]
- Santos: Hey, think about the neat place we get to live in once we win this thing.
- Josh: Get some rest. I need you to look pretty for 20 million TV viewers.
- Leo: If that's what we're counting on, the campaign is doomed.
Internal Displacement
- C.J.: I wanna do my job. I wanna suck every morsel of meat off this experience before it's over.
- Danny: Just get something done, will ya?
- C.J.: That'll come down to what it always comes down to.
- Danny: What's that?
- C.J.: How dirty do my feet have to get without disappearing into the mud in order to get an inch of what I really want done.
- C.J.: Relaxing makes me nervous. It feels like I'm missing something.
- Danny: We're both about to fall off a cliff. And I don't know what I'm gonna do with the rest of my life, except I know what I don't wanna do. And on Inauguration Day, you're going to be released from that glorious prison on Pennsylvania Avenue, with...
- C.J.: No human skills?
- Danny: Seems to me...
- C.J.: I should punch you in the face.
- Danny: That's what I'm talking about.
- C.J.: Keep going...
- Danny: So, if I'm gonna jump off the cliff, and you're gonna get pushed off the cliff, why don't we hold hands on the way down?
- C.J.: Men are like salmon. Swimming upstream, hosing down the riverbed with their indiscriminate seed...
- Danny: Indiscriminate seed?
- C.J.: Until...
- Danny: Did you just say "indiscriminate seed"?
- C.J.: Until they die, bloated and spent, belly-up in the sun.
- Danny: Oh, quit sweet-talkin' me, baby.
- C.J.: Unless they get taken out with a bear paw in the waterfall, as they deserve to be.
- Will: What's wrong?
- C.J.: Close the door.
- Will: I didn't do it.
- C.J.: Close the door.
- Will: Toby did it.
- C.J.: Shut up!
- Will: [closes the door] Gonna talk now? [silence] Seriously. I don't react well to this... It's like staring at a dog.
- C.J.: I think Doug Westin is having an affair with his nanny.
- Will: Geez! I don't wanna know that! Why did you tell me that?
- C.J.: Because you deal with the press and I don't want you to get blind sided.
- Will: Exactly! I work with the press. I do my best work when I'm the least informed person in the room. You taught me that.
- C.J.: Suck it up.
Duck and Cover
- Santos: Yes, we worry about what's happening in the culture: we have two young children. But censorship is like saying I can't have a steak because a baby can't chew it. Let's be careful. Yeah?
- Bartlet: [Trying to persuade the California governor to evacuate San Andreo] Better a few fender benders on the I-5 than a generation of babies with thyroid cancer.
- Bartlet: [trying to figure out the nuclear plant accident] I thought a degree in economics was plenty for this job. My kingdom for a plumbing license.
- C.J.: Are you ready?
- Will: To fly into a massive cloud of radiation while the rest of the country is making hats out of tin foil?
- C.J.: It was a rhetorical question.
- Vinick: [who endorsed nuclear power during the debate] Every time they show that debate clip, it looks like I ran into that plant myself and spilled uranium on the floor!
The Cold
- Will: I have a thing of yours.
- Kate: My Pyongyang book, good. I tore up my whole office looking for it.
- Will: It's not that.
- Kate: Really?
- Will: Really.
- Kate: It's in a blue binder. It may not be —
- Will: Nothing in a blue binder.
- Kate: Are you sure? I mean, picking it out —
- Will: It's a bra.
- Kate: ...oh, okay.
- Annabeth: Why is there hugging?
- Donna: Vinick has a cold!
- Annabeth: Oh, that's precious.
- Josh: I'm going to send him some Vicks VapoRub and a big German nurse!
- Debbie: [As Vinick and staff sit down in the Mural room] Make yourselves comfortable. The President will be right with you.
- Vinick: Thank you.
- Debbie: [quietly] Not too comfortable.
- Vinick: Excuse me?
- Debbie: Hmm?
- Vinick: Did you...?
- Debbie: What?
- Vinick: Nothing.
- Debbie: If there's anything I can get you, please let me know.
- Sullivan: We have had a good time always running for the center. But the party's over. You're a Republican, you need to start talking to the Republican, conservative base.
- Bruno: Nail him to the cross. He can stump for votes on the Via Dolorosa.
- Sullivan: I am the only person talking to values voters.
- Bruno: And you are doing a fantastic job.
- Sullivan: They're not voting for me, and they know it. He needs to spend more time in the southern states to make sure we don't lose them.
- Bruno: The undecideds are moderates. They're not bible thumpers. He's got to speak to their issues.
- Sullivan: What's he going to do? Suddenly pull the Arnold Vinick Health Plan out of his tailpipe?
- Vinick: Would that qualify as a miracle? They like the miracles.
Two Weeks Out
- Vinick: We lost independents because a nuclear power plant almost had a meltdown after I said nuclear power was completely safe.
- Bruno: That is water under the bridge. Now we’ve got to...
- Vinick: If it’s water under the bridge, how come I’m still ducking reporters on the campaign trail?
- Lou: Hey Josh?
- Josh: Yeah?
- Lou: The congressman's briefcase: what's inside there?
- Josh: Road stuff...toothbrush, electric razor, sometimes a wallet. Why?
- Lou: We seem to have lost it, and he seems kinda worried.
- Josh: The guy's running a tie for the presidency and he's got two weeks left, so you can expect him to look worried once in a while.
- Lou: So there's nothing... bad in there.
- Josh: Like?
- Lou: I don't know! Heroin, porn...
- Josh: No, that's all mine.
- Lou: I'm going to go now.
- Vinick: If Santos takes California, game over.
- Jane: A Republican can win the Presidency without winning California.
- Vinick: And a Democrat can't. This isn't some sentimental, home-state thing. This is about winning. I don't have a 50-state strategy anymore. I have a one-state strategy: the one state that has everything: big cities, small towns, mountains, deserts, farms, factories, fishermen, surfers, all races, all religions, gay, straight, everything this country has. There's more real America in California than anywhere else. If I can win California I can win the country.
- Jane: That's a nice speech; just don't say it into any microphones. Because everyone else in the 49 other states thinks that California is a giant psycho ward.
- Vinick: Over a 26-year career in public service, I'd probably do a lot of things differently if I could do them over again. But my job is to make the best decision I can with the information at the time. You know, if you do something for 26 years you should keep getting better at it. I'm better than I used to be because I have better information. I have more experience making tough decisions. And I have more mature judgment. And that's what I think this country needs now, more than ever. We have troops on the ground in Kazakhstan and more on the way. That's the choice that President Bartlet made to try and keep Russia and China from slipping into war there. Now, the next President is going to have to take over that situation the first hour on the job. That's the most important issue that's facing the country in this campaign. Not who said what about nuclear power 25 years ago. Or did one of us use too strong a word in a debate. The real decision Americans are going to have to make is who do they want as their next Commander-In-Chief.
- Vinick: I want to give him back his briefcase.
- Bruno: I figured.
- Vinick: "When in doubt, do the right thing."
- Vinick and Bruno: [together] "The rest of the time, get away with whatever you can."
- Vinick: Who said that? It must have been one of those Louisiana governors.
- Bruno: Yeah, probably from his jail cell. You know, Santos never got the vetting a front-runner gets. He was never supposed to get the nomination. The press gave him a free ride in the primaries. Until now, he's been running way behind you, so the press still hasn't done their digging on him. But they will now. So, it really doesn't matter what you do with that briefcase. It's going to come out. If it comes out while Santos is in the White House... I don't know what happens. All hell will break loose.
- Vinick: He wouldn't be the first President with an illegitimate child.
- Bruno: How far do you think he's going to get with that defense?
- Vinick: You know what, if I agreed with a candidate on the issues, and I was ready to vote for him, and something like this came out about him, I'd still vote for him.
- Bruno: Good. That's you. And that's maybe most Santos voters. And it is every voter in France. But it is not this country, not yet. I don't want people wishing they could change their votes after this comes out. The voters have a right to know about it before making their voting decision.
- Vinick: Come on, Bruno. This is me you're talking to. Please don't try to turn mud-slinging into a "Respect the Voters" spiel.
- Bruno: Don't tell anyone, but I do respect the voters. That's why I win. I find out what they care about. I don't try to tell them what they care about.
- Vinick: That's not exactly my idea of leadership.
- Bruno: It's my idea of democracy. The voters get to set the terms of the elections, not us. They get to decide what's important, not us. That's why I think voters have a right to this information now instead of six months from now. They could be electing a President who's drowning in scandal when he's supposed to be trying to stop World War III from starting in Kazakhstan. And that is not the kind of guy most of the country wants to be the next Commander-In-Chief.
Welcome to Wherever You Are
- Lou: I've got the latest Rasmussen poll.
- Josh: That poll is skewed.
- Lou: It's got us up by four in Ohio.
- Josh: Ohio trends Santos! That's the story of the day.
- Donna: Speaking of which, where's Annabeth?
- Lou: I gagged her and put her in the luggage compartment.
Election Day Part I
- [After the various couples of the campaign retire for the night, Josh and Donna are sitting alone in a bar]
- Josh: Wow, Cindy? Did you know that?
- Donna: About Ronna and Cindy?
- Josh: Any of them?
- Donna: Yes.
- Josh: Which one?
- Donna: All of them.
- Josh: Did you ever ... "come onboard"?
- Donna: No.
- Josh: Never had a campaign fling?
- Donna: No. [sits next to Josh]
- Josh: Do you want another drink?
- Donna: No. [gets up, glances one last time at Josh, and slowly heads to her room.]
- Will: You spend the night at my house more often than not.
- Kate: Which makes me...?
- Will: A really good date.
- Bruno: [moves his watch from his left wrist to his right] Superstitious. One of my election day good luck routines.
- Jane: One of?
- Bruno: You met Carrie already.
- Annabeth: Leo's going to sleep through the whole damn thing. I got to go get him up. What can I say? Nerves of steel. I just got to get him themed up for the party. He's been threatening to wear his robe.
- Charlie: [to C.J.] You're a smart savvy woman who could easily consider world domination for a next career move.
Election Day Part II
- Josh: [to Donna] Hey, what happened to you? Two minutes. 120 seconds - I was stuck in there with Dull and Duller, counting beads in my imaginary abacus. [he notices her expression] Ohio? Texas - we won? We lost? We need a good lawyer, what?
- Donna: Leo was unconscious. In his room. Annabeth found him. He wasn't... he wasn't breathing. They're taking him to the hospital in an ambulance now.
- [Josh looks horrified]
- Santos: America has lost a giant tonight. And I have lost a friend. Leo McGarry devoted his life to public service, to the notion that every citizen is responsible for making this country a better place. That we have a sacred duty to participate in our democracy, to leave America stronger for the next generation. If I win this election, the country will be worse off because Leo McGarry will not be there to help me run it. But, I don't want anyone to vote for, or against me, because of Leo McGarry. This race wasn't about him, and it isn't about me. It's a vision for America that will outlast Leo, and outlast me. There's an America that's bigger than any of us, and, for those of you who have not yet voted, it is the only thing that should matter when you go to the polls tonight.
- Bartlet: The first time I met Leo, we argued.
- C.J.: About what?
- Bartlet: Monetary... something, role of the Fed...
- C.J.: Who won?
- Bartlet: I did. I'm sure if you could ask him, he'd say he did. [beat] We almost lost him fifteen years ago, did you know that? Abbey and I used to talk about it. I was prepared then. Not today.
- ...
- Bartlet: It's odd, really, watching yourself being replaced on national television. Planned obsolescence. Presidents and mid-sized family sedans.
- C.J.: Yes, sir. Would you have run again if you could sir?
- Bartlet: I think Mrs. Bartlet would have had something to say about that, don't you?
- C.J.: Well the electorate can be very persuasive when they want something badly enough.
- Bartlet: In the service of two mistresses these last eight years has been my fate. Thank God for the 22nd Amendment, I'm spared that particular conversation with Abbey.
- Donna: [to Josh] You've done a remarkable thing. Win or lose. An extraordinary thing.
- Josh: [tearful] I talked him into this, into joining the ticket.
- Donna: Nobody ever talked Leo into doing anything he didn't want to do. And he'd want you upstairs [in the campaign suite], not down here. You belong up there, it's your night. He was so proud of you, Josh.
- [Josh breaks down crying]
- Santos: Thank you all so very much. Thanks for sticking around. You know, if you haven't left this room in a while, the sun is coming up! First, I want to say a special word of thanks to Senator Vinick, and I ask you all to join me in applauding his lifetime of service. Arnie Vinick made this a better campaign, and he's made this a better country for all of us. [beat] My father was a barber, my mother a domestic servant, and I never dreamed that I'd have this chance to serve so many people in so many ways. It would be easy for me to stand here and claim a sweeping mandate for the next four years. I can't do that. This was a razor-thin election. My intention is to be the President of everyone - black or brown, yellow or white, Republican or Democrat. I've got a lot of reaching out to do. America has become more polarized - you can't run for President and not see that. Our votes may have been divided, but our country will not be divided. Because, ultimately, it's not about left or right, it's about doing right. Together, we are going to lift up those who have been let down. We are going to ensure that the promise of America is not the privilege of the few, but the birthright of all Americans. I am more grateful than I can say, you have given me an opportunity that comes to few people. Perhaps fewer are worthy of it. God bless you, and God bless America.
Requiem
- Charlie: [to Toby, at Leo's funeral] I'll walk out with you. I don't think a picture of you and me makes the New York Times. Do you?
- C.J.: It's just, I know we have a lot to talk about and I don't want to leapfrog any of it, but it was kind of wonderful to just...
- Danny: Not talk.
- C.J.: Not even a little.
- C.J.: No, but what I asked you before.
- Danny: When you propositioned me for sex?
- C.J.: Yeah. That's not going to happen. Donna Moss needs a place to stay, I told her she could stay with me.
- Danny: Well, she can. You won't be there, she can have the place to herself.
- C.J.: I can't do that.
- Danny: Why not?
- C.J.: Where will I tell her I'm sleeping?
- Danny: Who cares what you tell her?
- C.J.: She'll ask and I'll have to come up with some reason and my ears get red when I lie, I'll stammer, she'll figure it out.
- Danny: Are you seriously telling me you're passing on a night in my bed because you don't know what you're gonna tell Donna Moss?
- C.J.: It's not about Donna, it's about the fact that I'll spend the rest of the afternoon strategizing about how to explain it or not explain it or don't need to explain it or don't have an explanation for it or even for myself. I don't have a definition or an understanding of what it is or where it's going. I'll chew the question over in my brain quietly while other people are talking to me about death or affairs of state. We've put this off for seven years. This will keep another night.
Transition
- Lou: Rough day?
- Josh: Nah, typical.
- Lou: You love it, you live for it, you were born to do it, I'm the same way. Everybody tells me to get a life, although I don't know why... I find life to be terribly overrated. It's actually quite boring when it's not disappointing. Say what you will about what we do, but boring it is not.
- Josh: I know that you can parlay the Santos win into a doubling of your fee.
- Lou: Tripling, if it figures into your memoirs.
- Josh: Nothing is going to top this. Everything else's going to be a letdown.
- Lou: Letdowns that make me semi-rich, that's a tradeoff I'm willing to endure.
- Josh: You don't care about money.
- Lou: Who doesn't?
- Josh: You!
- Lou: Not as such.
- Josh: As what?
- Lou: Score-keeping. Quantitative evidence that I'm smarter than you. Not you.
- Josh: Who?
- Lou: Everybody else.
- Josh: Come on board as communications director.
- Lou: Thank you, but no.
- Josh: Finish what you started.
- Lou: I'm not interested in governing.
- Josh: Campaigning's about promise; governing's about achievement. It's, it's tougher and a lot less romantic, but it's not boring. I already think you're smarter than everyone, that's why I want you down the hall. Come on, it's not like getting a life!
- Lou: That's true, look at you.
- Josh: This guy is the real deal.
- Sam: You said that last time.
- Josh: Yeah, and look how right I was.
- [Josh just offered Sam the job as Deputy Chief of Staff.]
- Sam: I'm going to need time to think about this.
- Josh: Fine... You done yet?
- Sam: Josh...
- Josh: What's there to think about?
- Sam: Well, for one thing, whether I want to end up looking like you.
- Josh: When I said we needed to talk, I wasn't necessarily thinking about tonight. I'm kind of fried.
- Donna: Who said anything about talking?
- [Before he can answer, she kisses him.]
- Josh: So last night was nice. Nice. It was really nice. On the nice scale it was way up there in terms of... you know, niceness.
- Donna: Be still and listen to me. I don't know what this is. And you don't, either, which is perfectly fine and understandable. Whatever the buildup, it's all happened amid absurdly heightened emotional circumstances: the election, Leo's death. There's been... not a moment to so much as... take a breath, much less figure any of this out. And now this roller coaster's plunging into the transition, with its time-pressure demands and then the inauguration, and it's hit the ground running, and the first hundred days and, before you know it, the midterms and the new Congress, and then we're running again and four years becomes eight, and... we've never had the talk. And you can lose that look of panic in your eyes. We're not going to have it now; we don't ever have to have it. But there's a window. I'd say four weeks. If we can't get it together in that time to figure out what we want from each other, then clearly it's not worth the trouble. While last night was lovely, I've already called a cab. You should put on some coffee, and I'll see you at the office.
The Last Hurrah
- Doctor: Your hand healed faster than I expected.
- Vinick: That's 'cause I went from 1,000 handshakes a day to none.
- Vinick: Coffee of the day.
- Barista: Tall, grande or venti? [Vinick looks confused] What size?
- Vinick: Whatever's biggest.
- Barista: Name?
- Vinick: Sen... Arnie.
- Barista: Venti coffee of the day for Ernie.
- Vinick: What do you have in California?
- Lawyer: You don't want to be the official greeter at a vineyard, do you?
- Lawyer: [exiting Vinick's office] You got to talk to him about money.
- Sheila Brooks: You're his oldest friend. If you can't get through to him, I can't.
- Attorney: He's refusing to join any boards. He just wants to do guest lecturing at universities in Pennsylvania, Ohio, and Florida. He's going to be bored to death, and he won't be able to afford the Republican lifestyle he deserves.
Institutional Memory
- C.J.: I missed the window. That's what's going on here. I... missed the window to figure out... how to do this.
- Danny: How to...?
- C.J.: Share my life with another person, how to be a partner or whatever condescending way you put it this afternoon.
- Danny: Oh, I wasn't trying...
- C.J.: I don't know how to do it. Maybe at one point I did, maybe I never did, but it's over now. It's too late. This and skiing. It's too late, it's not going to happen.
- Danny: C.J...
- C.J.: You said yourself, it's not an accident that this hasn't come together. This is who I am. I'm good at my job, Danny, I'm good at working, I'm not good at this.
- Danny: You're right, you suck at it. You're going to need a tremendous amount of training. [pause] We're going to get good at new things.
- C.J.: You don't know that.
- Danny: I do.
- C.J.: Don't make it sound like it's nothing.
- Danny: You didn't miss it.
- C.J.: What if I did?
- Danny: You didn't miss it.
- C.J.: What if we can't...
- Danny: We'll figure it out. All of it. You can be scared. That's okay. But you're not going to walk away from me because you're scared. I'm not that scary.
- Danny: [to C.J] At some point you have to choose to have a relationship. We're not 25 anymore. At our age you can't date a little and screw a little and wait around to see if you get sentimental at Christmas. You have to decide you're gonna make another person a part of your life - a partner.
- C.J.: You make it sound like I'm trying to avoid you.
- Danny: I didn't say that.
- C.J.: I don't make booty calls.
- Danny: You don't make any calls, kind of how it works out.
- C.J.: What?
- Danny: You're elusive, part of the draw.
- Toby: [about the prospect of C.J. joining the Santos administration] Well, you'd be a get, too. Are you gonna do it?
- C.J.: Mmm... Probably, I... I don't know, it's, um, complicated.
- Toby: Why?
- C.J.: [pause] Danny Concannon.
- Toby: Yeah, I heard something about that.
- C.J.: We've been spending time together, which is perfectly nice, but he's getting way ahead of himself. I mean, I'm not ready to shape my life around a guy I've been with for a month, that doesn't make sense.
- Toby: You didn't pick him up in a bar last Thursday, you've been close for eight years.
- C.J.: That doesn't mean it magically falls into place once we take the leap. What? I'm not resisting.
- Toby: You're not?
- C.J.: I'm not one of those women who can't handle a good thing when it's standing in front of them.
- Danny: [to C.J.] I want you to do what you want to do - take the job at the White House. I just want you to talk to me about it. I want us to talk about what it will mean and we'll make it work. I want us to talk like we're gonna figure it out together. I want us to talk... because I like the sound of your voice. I just want to talk.
Tomorrow
- Debbie: Good morning Mr. President.
- Bartlet: Morning.
- Debbie: How are you feeling this morning?
- Bartlet: Unemployed.
- Debbie: A lot of that going around the building.
- [Bartlet and Santos (the outgoing president and president-elect) ride to the inauguration together in a motorcade]
- Bartlet: How's your speech?
- Santos: It's got some good sections, but no "Ask not what your country can do for you..."
- Bartlet: Yeah, Kennedy kind of screwed us with that one, didn't he?
- [C.J. leaves the White House for the last time. A man in the street spots her.]
- Man: Hey, you work there?
- C.J.: Pardon?
- Man: I said, do you work up there? In the White House.
- [C.J. smiles sadly]
- C.J.: No. I don't.
- Man: Oh, sorry.
- C.J.: No problem.
- [Pause]
- Man: Must be something, huh?
- C.J.: Yeah. Yeah, it must be something.
- [Last lines]
- Abbey: Jed, what are you thinking about?
- Bartlet: Tomorrow.
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- Martin Sheen - Josiah "Jed" Bartlet
- John Spencer - Leo McGarry
- Bradley Whitford - Josh Lyman
- Richard Schiff - Toby Ziegler
- Allison Janney - C.J. Cregg
- Rob Lowe - Sam Seaborn (1999-2003, 2006)
- Janel Moloney - Donna Moss
- Dulé Hill - Charlie Young
- Stockard Channing - Abigail Bartlet
- Kristin Chenoweth - Annabeth Schott (2004-2006)
- Moira Kelly - Mandy Hampton (1999-2000)
- Joshua Malina - Will Bailey (2002-2006)
- Mary McCormack - Kate Harper (2004-2006)
- Jimmy Smits - Matthew Santos (2004-2006)
- Alan Alda - Arnold Vinick (2004-2006)
- The West Wing quotes at the Internet Movie Database
- The West Wing transcripts
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