The Simpsons/Season 23

The Simpsons: Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 | Movie Crank calls

The Simpsons (1989–present) is an American animated sitcom broadcast by the Fox Broadcasting Company created by Matt Groening. The series is a satirical depiction of American life, epitomized by the Simpson family.

The Falcon and the D'ohman

Marge: I do have a place you can go, where a sadistic man with government experience can feel right at home.

Homer: So much violence on the surface world... I'm going back! [jumps back under ice]

Wayne: Homer is implanted with several high powerful tracking devices.

Marge: How did that happen?

Wayne: I left them out in a bowl and he ate them.

Homer: No! Not the middle seat!

Lunchlady Doris: We can't keep serving the same thing every day, these kids have mashed potatoes coming out of their ears.

[Jimbo runs past with mash potato in his ears, as he didn't want to listen to Bart]

Superintendent Chalmers: Point taken.

Wayne: Your town appears on no maps or charts.

Homer: Yeah, they couldn't find a Google map photo without me naked or urinating.

Marge: And when there was a map makers convention here, we all got Lou Gehrig's disease.

Homer: Not the one you're thinking of though, there's another one.

Marge: What brought you to Springfield? Was it our Frito Lay distribution center?

Moe: Wow, that's the farthest one of my eggs ever made it down someone's throat.

Moe: My fresco! That's coming out of your stealings!

Homer: I guess it's not much when you look at real problems in the world like Major League umpires not using instant replay.. ok...

Bart Stops to Smell the Roosevelts

Nelson: This place is beautiful as a the side of a Coors Lite bottle. The kind my dad used to leave in the bathroom.

Bart: I thought teachers only went outside to smoke and cry.

Bart: Same garbage, different dumpster.

Edna: We have shirts from other high schools.

Marge: Ooh, we can wear those to the nice malls.

Lisa: [After seeing Bart locking a door.] Bart, what are you doing?

Bart: Taking over the school. With all the kids inside.

Lisa: What?! I'm telling mom!

Bart: Great, you can call her from the closet phone. [Locks Lisa in the closet.]

Lisa: [offscreen] Hello, mom? You won't believe what Bart's doing.

Bart: There really is a phone in there? [Bart opens the closet door, revealing that Lisa was faking. Lisa sticks her tongue at Bart. Bart locks the closet again.] So immature.

[The kids threaten to destroy a photocopier if Willie breaks the door down.]

Principal Skinner: Willie, stay your tractor.

Groundskeeper Willie: Ya can't just turn 'er on and off like that! [Skinner turns the key which turns off the tractor.] Oh, ah guess ya can.

Sea Captain: Yar, just plastic. Which is healthier than what you find in the ocean.

Homer: Don't buy it. I bought one last year and it was crap construction!

Homer: Marge, my ice cream's melting and I haven't finished my brownie!

Treehouse of Horror XXII

Ned: (to Mrs. Muntz who accosts him) Spend less time on your back and more time on your knees.

Bart: Traitor! How dare you betray the planet I got laid on?

Chalmers: There they are! Lets fry these calamari and serve them in a dipping sauce made from their own blood!

Skinner: But why?!

Chalmers: Well, it's not so bad.

Skinner: Well, it's a little.

Homer: For further communication, I will require more beans.

Homer: Halloween - the one time of the year where the squalor of our home works to our advantage.

Homer: I'm on the floor. I can't move. So far, a normal Sunday morning...

Marge: I take your sugary sweets and give you healthy items...

Bart: This is exactly why kids need a union.

Lisa: Now prepare to take an incredible journey across the room.

Replaceable You

Homer: I won't say, but his initials are S.F.

Roz: Stupid Flanders!

Homer: You're my personal savior.

Ned: Thank you, but I don't approve...

Homer: Hail Flanders, mightier than Jesus.

Homer: She's the most evil person to come out of Ohio since LeBron. But at least he thought long and hard before screwing everybody over. In public. For no reason.

Professor Fink: Hello, Miss Wyoming. I'll have to climb your Grand Tetons to another night.

Miss Wyoming: [after receiving Frink's call] WHY WON'T HE LOVE ME!? [cries on her bed]

Homer: If an emergency alarm goes off, there's ear plugs in the top drawer.

Homer: Marge, get my seal club, the big one!

Bart: To sweeten the deal, I'll pick you first for basketball.

Milhouse: I really need that cootie shot, my dog and I accidentally touched tongues.

Bart: How is this accidentally when it's the fifth time?

The Food Wife

Homer: I've come around on hipsters. It takes a lot of guts to all wear the same hat.

Krusty: Krustyland has a new ride, the Eyeballs of Death. It only passed the safety by a 3 to 2 vote. And that third didn't come cheap.

Homer: I don't eat anything new unless I've eaten it before.

Lisa: They're using pancakes as spoons.

Bart: Ooh, let's see what else they're doing wrong.

Ned: SPORTS stands for Strict Parental Oversight Rather Than Sports.

Marge: What if we roll pennies and go to the dollar store?

Homer: That's good, Marge. Get all the terrible ideas out of your system.

Marge: How come they never call me fun mom?

Homer: A family's like a team. On every team, you have the slam dunking mega star and the referee.

Marge: But this was all I had!

Gordon Ramsay: Stop your bloody winging Marge!

Marge: Aaah! Gordon Ramsay?

Gordon Ramsay: You shut up big blue! Didn't you? Why did you invite Homer? He stole your bloody thunder. You're not as much fun as him and you'll never will be. (Marge cries) Darling, darling, crying's not fun. Homer's fun! Now get out of my dream!

Marge: It's my dream!

Gordon Ramsay: Not anymore it's not! Ramsay, awake! (snaps his fingers, then awakes from his own bed) What in the hell was that?

Developer: I have twins I've never met.

Bart: When you meet them, tell them your game is too easy.

Homer: From the dad that brought you cemetery paintball and go carts on real roads...

The Book Job

Milhouse: These aren't dinosaurs! Dinosaurs sing! [throws Barney doll into a dinosaur's mouth]

Ralph: [getting scared] I wanna go back inside mommy. [tries to hide under Sarah's skirt]

Homer: It's not against the law to sleep in a Tyrannosaurus head!

Security Guard: Sir, you're inside an Allosaurus.

Homer: I demand to speak to my paleontologist!

Neil Gaiman: I've heisted myself to the bestseller list once again. And the most brilliant part is: I don't even know how to read!

Lisa: I got the idea from every movie ever made.

Homer: [about Neil Gaiman] British Fonzie is right.

TweenLit CEO: Is R.L. Stine here? Because you just gave me goosebumps.

Tweenlit CEO: [about the changes made to the group's novel] Don't feel bad. Before we got our hands on Twilight, it was about a girl who fell in love with a golem, but teens weren't going to spend their allowances to join 'Team Shmuel'!

Lisa: Everybody knows you got the idea for the series after an explosion at a crumpet factory knocked you off a double-Decker bus. How could that be made up?

Bart: The point of the dinosaurs is: no matter what we do, an asteroid is going to wipe us out. So we should party hard and wreck the place!

Homer: Yeah, why should the asteroid have all the fun?!

Kids: [Shrieks] A troll!

Moe: Hey, I ain't a troll! Look, I bleed red, just like you! [He pokes a needle on his finger. Green blood leaked out of Moe's finger.] The first part is always green. It turns red!

The Man in the Blue Flannel Pants

Jimbo: Your fists are your sisters?

Dolph: Yeah, Pocahontas and Sacagawea!

Bart: Nice save.

Mr. Burns: Take us out first. Anyone can start a family. These days no one can find a job.

Bart: I'll get one those jobs where you don't need to read. Like french fry maker or general.

Homer: Can you be my dad?

Robert: If your mom was a secretary, there's a good chance I am.

Robert: There ain't enough bourbon in Kentucky for you, big guy.

Homer: Yeah, the governor wrote me a letter to that effect.

Robert: Before you say yes, Simpson I fell it's my duty to warn you, account men lose their soul.

Homer: Woohoo! No more church!

Robert Marlow: In two weeks, the only tie I'll be wearing will be for auto erotic asphyxiation.

Krusty: Why can't I be funny with just my words? Bill Maher doesn't put dangerous things near his crotch. Except when he's off work.

Homer: [about the children's movie I watched] If you got that, then-- [notices his son is watching a porn movie]

XXX Babe: Are you sure you're Martin Scorsese? [A hand (used by Homer) blocks the laptop and puts the CD back in the case.]

Homer: Enjoy the outdoors, you stupid kid!

Lisa: [watches the people taking the rafts to the ground which the raft doesn't stop from riding] Um…I think we're supposed to get off "here"!

The Ten-Per-Cent Solution

Krusty: They were kids, and we gave them candy if they laughed! And if they didn't, until the 70s, I hit them with a stick! Some jerk tacked down the kids and made a documentary. It's called "Circus of Shame" or something.

Annie: I was so mad at him, I didn't have sex with a clown for five months!

Homer: What about mimes?

Annie: Come on, I'm not made of stone.

Krusty: They took my dressing room, my parking space, even my writer, so I don't have a funny third item.

Marge: No more TV! We're going to get some fresh air and visit a museum. Of television!

Bart: People also lover a quitter. Sarah Palin. The Beatles.

Annie Dubinksy: If you ever hear a star's name and wonder, is he dead? The answer is either "I represent him" or "yes."

Krusty: And all the movies are over a year old. It's like those parodies were written when the movies came out, but it took so long to animate them that we look dated and hackey.

Holidays of Future Passed

[The Simpsons have just finished the Thanksgiving dinner]

Homer: I'll never eat turkey again. Marge, we got any ham?!

Abe: [wearing an elf hat and having some mashed potato on his face in the shape of a beard] I'm Santa?! Oh, now I'll never die.

Bart: Can we just send out a picture of the pets as reindeers?

Marge: We tried that last year.

[camera pans to a photo of Santa's Little Helper and Snowball V with toy reindeer horns attacking Homer]

Homer: D'oh!

Bart: Who cares what we look like in whatever stupid year this is?

Marge: You'll understand one day, when you have kids of your own.

Lisa: Umm, who say's we're gonna have kids of our own?

Bart: Not me, man! This cycle of jerks has to end!

Milhouse: I can't believe we put a man on the Sun, but we can't stop my sneezing.

Lisa: How did my daughter turn into my brother?

Milhouse: Don't blame me. When we had her, they used only the best genetic material - which meant none of mine.

Milhouse: Why don't you take Zia to your parents for Christmas, while I nurse my allergies in one of the non-Christmas celebrating states?

Lisa: You could go back to Michigan. It's still under Sharia law.

Milhouse: Yeah, but they always make me wear a veil.

Homer: Oh, Marge. How would you like some future sex?

Marge: Why do you say future? This is now.

Homer: I meant a week from tomorrow. That's when the new penis gets here.

Bart: Oh man. I can't believe they still haven't figured out a way to de-tangle Christmas lights.

elder son: Mom's boyfriend is good at de-tangling them.

Bart: [mockingly] Well, maybe mom should marry him!

elder son: She did!

younger son: We weren't supposed to tell you.

[Homer comes in with a top hat, a scarf, a smoking pipe, and a carrot]

elder son: Hey, grampa, are you gonna build a snowman?

Homer: No, I just like to dress up to eat my carrots and smoke.

Lisa: Want to go to a concert tonight? 68% of the original Cher is playing.

Lisa: Sometimes I wish strangling your kid was still legal.

Marge: Not since they passed Homer's law.

Lisa: My daughter thinks I'm a ruthless tyrant, like Hitler or Prince Harry.

Homer: [chuckles] Bloody Harry. He brought back beheading in a big way.

[Bart and Lisa are drinking wine in the Simpsons's treehouse, and are a bit drunk]

Lisa: Should I've married Nelson? 'Cause we still talk on the phone.

Bart: Nelson calls you?

Lisa: Well, someone calls someone.

Bart: The boys think I'm a lousy father.

Lisa: Oh, poor Bart. My daughter thinks I'm a lousy mother.

Bart: [laughs gleefully, but stops quickly] Sorry.

Lisa: Meh, it's okay. But you know who took her side? [mockingly] Marge Bouvier Simpson.

Bart: [scoffs] What did she do?

Lisa: She told me to relax and bake cookies.

Bart: Did you bake any?

Lisa: Yes I did, and they were some of the best cookies ever made in this house, but that is not the point!

Bart: Where's dad?

Lisa: He took the boys out.

Bart: How can he be such a cool grandfather when he's such a lousy father?

Marge: People learn from their mistakes, and your father made so many mistakes.

Lisa: Oh, Martin Prince is now Marcia Princess.

Lisa: Google, even though you've enslaved half the world, you're still a damn fine search engine.

[Lisa sees the posters of women from Joan of Arc to Empress Zinzam on the wall of Zia's Ultranet room. The last poster features Lisa; she gasps in joy]

Zia: Mom? Why are you here?

Lisa: I was worried. I thought I would find-

Zia: What? Me flashing my boobs on Unripemelons.com?

Lisa: What? No! It doesn't matter what I thought. I'm sorry I spied on you. But what I found, is, my daughter looks up to me!

Zia: Well, of course I do! I look up to both my parents!

[a hologram of Milhouse wearing a burqa appears]

Milhouse: Could somebody FedEx me a prayer mat? And quick!

[the hologram disappears; Zia turns back to Lisa]

Zia: But I especially look up to you.

[Lisa and Zia embrace. A door opens behind Zia, revealing a disco room full of partying people. An embarrassed Zia slams the door shut and keeps on embracing]

Bart: Boys, I've acted like a ten-year-old for the last 30 years, and I swear to you, I will grow up and act like a 20-year-old, the way a divorced 40-year-old should.

Bart's younger son: You're gonna have to do better than that.

Bart: Boys, I'm a deadbeat dad, I live in a school, it's Christmas. The only thing worth anything in my life is you.

Bart's elder son: Oh, Dad.

Bart's younger son: You've taught us the meaning of Christmas. Which schools are forbidden to tell us anymore.

[Bart hugs his sons]

Homer: Is it snowing down here?

Wiseguy: No, one of the freezers is busted.

Homer: [touched the boys have forgiven Bart] If those boys can forgive their train wreck of a father, maybe I can forgive... [de-freezes grampa]

Grampa: You quit drinking like a coward, the one thing you were good at——