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A man of such legandary status, few have ever heard of him. Johny Smithy has conquered the world twice and just lets you live on it for his own amusement. Through failed attempts to defeat him, the Vatican has accidently created demons which Johny must kill daily to keep his people safe, with the help of Sage Idle.
Johny Smithy | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Born | Error: Invalid birth date for calculating age |
| Known for | Necromancy Time Travel Awesomeness Saving the World |
| Scientific career | |
| Fields | Magic, Time Travel, Awesomeness |
| Institutions | Everywhere |
Born from the Third King Of Germany, Dietrich Smirnoff (incidentally the ancestor of Gilgamesh, the fifth king of Uruk) and Hilde Van Sturdel, a Germanic whore, Johny has traveled the globe for more than a century fighting demons of the night. Johny was born as “Alfred Reginald Heimlich Pyotr Nugent von Stranglehold” in a small hut outside the town of Stranglehold, Germany. This town would later be erased off of all maps for reasons later to be discussed. He was born on May 13, 1604, during “Wählen des Geistkönigs”, the greatest holiday in Germany history, which would later also be forgotten by the masses for reasons later mentioned.
Stranglehold was one of five towns in the Kingdom of Helm Sturdel. Helm Sturdel was a kingdom that had been around since 1450 when it was founded by Hilde Von Studel’s ancestors. In 1580, Hilde’s parents, King Orik and Queen Lavisk gave birth to her and her twin brother, Unther. The twins had been raised in solitude in the castle, Heiliges Schloß, which was located on the shores of the Heiliger See before being destroyed. Heiliges Schloß faced North, with the Heiliger See to the east and the großartige Wald covering the south and west sides of the castle.
This is all completely pointless, though, because it is all false. In fact, if you noticed, the story just kind of ends without explaining anything. That is because it cannot explain what didn't happen. The truth is is that Johny Smithy is actually a time-traveling, space warlord from the 7th dimension come to save us from our doom.
He is also know to play poker every other Tuesday with Chuck Norris, Zombie Raptor Jesus, and the Devil.
And All your base are belong to Him!
Real Story
Johny was really born in Narnia, the real Narnia, not that Narnia that people think is the real Narnia. So yeah, Narnia. He was born as the only son of the King and Queen of Narnia. Narnia is about 10 time more advanced than here, so they have the ability to live forever and travel through different dimensions. However, Narnia loved the medieval times, so even though they were so advanced, they chose not to use cars but horses, and live in stone houses and castles, and had dungeons and slaves and war. One of the slaves of Johny's family, Maria, who just happened to be the Queen's sister, gave birth the same time the Queen did. She also had a son. The two boys, Johny and Gorfinkle, grew up together and became friends, much to the Queen's annoyance. When he was older, Johny was told his first task as an heir to the throne was to execute unnecessary slaves, one of which was Gorfinkle. Johny refused, but the Queen stabbed Gorfinkle with a sword anyway, then threw him off a cliff, where he was saved and raised by wolves. Johny was devastated.
The End
Just kidding, that wasn't the end. If fact, that didn't happen either. Tricked ya, didn't I?
Four Score and Seven Year ago, something or another happened. And when that happened, Johny was there. In fact, he saved your life. You just don't remember. FLASHBULB!!!
Really Real Story
The story begins in rural Kansas, on a warm summer day. The wheat had just come in and Farmer Jankens was our harvesting. His wife Lydia was busy in the kitchen making dinner: a roasted chicken, plum pudding, and fresh bread and butter. The sun was high and hot and Old Jake, the Lab, was out chasing squirrels. A big ball of fire fell from the sky, crashing down into the field that Farmer Jankens was working in. It appeared to be a space capsule. Johnny, being of Saiyen origin, killed the Farmer for fun. Eventually he stole his nephew from his brother Son-Sage, and ran away, causing significant damage to Kami House. Later he was killed by a Yoshi.
THE END!
(Psst. But not really.)
I. Am. Ironnnnmannnn... RAWR!
Really Real Story 2.0
Oh, hello there, I didn't see you come in. Please, have a seat. A story? Well, alright. You remind me so much of your father, bless his soul. He would also visit me for stories. Oh, right, a story. Well, let's see... Ah! I know! Let me tell you the old fable of our saviors, Johny Smithy and Sage Idle. It all began 500 years ago on one of Neptune's moons...
"Dude, we're out of cheese..." said Sage Idle. "...it wasn't me..." replied Johny Smithy. "Yeah, right, it was one of those OTHER people living on one of Neptune's moons..." sarcastically replied Sage Idle. "...yes...yes it was...I think he went that-a way..." said Johny Smithy pointing off into the distance towards a creepy cave neither dared venture towards. "Dude, just go Naiad and pick up some more." "Wha...bu...I...fine!" "And while you're doing that, I'll finish up here." "You know, just because you deemed yourself "King of Galatea", I have just as many rights here as you do!" "Um...well obviously not. I don't have to pay taxes." "...we are the only two living things for miles. NOBODY is paying taxes. We are currently living off of stray photons, Galatea rocks, and cheese. And Mt. Dew. And I think I went crazy a month ago. I'm beginning to doubt yours and Mr. Squiggles existences..." "I will devour your soul," said Mr. Squiggles. "Mr. Squiggles, not now," said Johny Smithy. "...Ok...?" said Sage Idle.
And so Johny Smithy flew off to Naiad to the Naiadian Cheese Mine and fought his way through an army of 10,000 Naiad Soldiers and finally reached the cheese. "Well, all this fighting sure has worked up an appetite! But if I don't hurry up and bring this back to Sage Idle, he'll get mad, and when he gets mad, things get bad...like that time he blew up Pluto...even after fixing it, it's never been the same size since...".
Upon arriving back on Galatea, Johny Smithy saw Sage Idle playing with a Morgorian Space Snake. "Hey! Why is it that I always do all the work and you get to sit around and play with animals?!" demanded Johny. "I will devour your soul," said Mr. Squiggles. "Not now, Mr. Squiggles, I'm talking to Sage Idle."
Johny is currently married to 37 different women who all love him greatly.
Wife 1
And then He called out, "Man of Earth, Adam, what troubles you so?" "If you would please, my Father, I find my self ever so alone. Though you have given to me this grand garden and all of it's inhabitants to play with, they are not me. I wish for a new companion, who can run like me, climb like me, eat and drink like me, live like me, die like me. If you would please, my Father, I would like another Man of Earth," so proclaimed Adam. "Very well, you have done me well and I shall reward you for your efforts. A new companion for you, born from yourself, I shall make. She shall be known as Eve, and you will henceforth be known as "Man" as she is to be known as "Woman"."
Wife 2
Wife 3
Wife 4
Wife 5
Wife 6
"Oh Pyramus, where art thou gentle Pyramus? Thy father has scolded thee again, hast he not?" "Do not worry, my dear Thisbe. Mine father cannot withhold the love I feel for thee. Wilt thou come down tonight so I may gaze at your radiance?" "But poor Pyramus, mine mother's steps on near corridor! I shalt leave thee for tonight and rejoice tomorrow, shalt our families allow. By the well shall we meet?" "If you so wish, I will meet thee at the end of the world. At the well in town it shall be."
Wife 7
Wives 8-11
Hypsipyle, Medusa, Jocasta, and Penthesilea (Were killed during the blood feud between Johny and Deadpool.)
"Thy eyes, Snake Queen, art thy weapon. A gift from Hades, I presume? 'Tiss not matter much, as thine shalt be not but dead soon." "A brave and gallant warrior I see. Or perhaps not but a stupid one. Why, warrior, has thou broughten thine self to me? Is it my head you seek? or perhaps death? My gaze is not my only weapon, for do thy thinkest I acquired thine title for naught? Behold in my hair, a dozen snakes of poison, and my nails, sharp as fangs. How dost thou plan to fight when thy cannot look at me in fear of my gaze and I may attack at my pleasure?"
Wife 12
Wife 13
Wives 14-17
Rhea Silvia, Sappho, Tomyris, and Leaena
Wives 18-20
Athaliah, Cloelia, and Megullia Dotata
Wife 21
Wife 22
Wife 23
Wives 24-27
Claudia Quinta, Cornificia, Cleopatra, and Zenobia
Wives 28-30
Joan of Arc, Camiola, and Pocahontas
"Leave not the War to those depriving you of your liberties. Let not the great kings challenge your morals. For I have been told, told by He to fight, to fight and win. I shall not let you be deprived of this world and all of its wonders. Fight and win. Fight and live. Fight and rejoice. He shall guide us and bring peace and tranquility on our shoulders. We shall show who rightfully governs this land and who shall govern it once again."
"The White Man has progressed to far. We shall not let them take our land." "But Father, are you really to condemn all for the fault of few? Some men down there have saved me. I cannot just allow you to take these actions." "Step aside, my daughter, as the Great Spirits have told me that this is necessary. We shall rain arrows and burn their camp. Anything less shall lead to our destruction. You understand this, do you not?" "Yes, Father, I do. I wish not for conflict, though. Is there no other way to rid us of them?" "No, for this is the word of the Great Spirits."
Wife 31
Wife 32
Wife 33
Wife 34
Wife 35
Wife 36
Wife 37
Sarah Palin
Johny has more random, mythical pets than you could imagine.
Griffin
Found in the Alps, it was named "Peter" until it was discovered he was a she. She was then renamed "Alexadra DeathSweaper" She has more connotations than you know.
Tyrannosaurus
Re-animated from a fossil found in the Amazon, the Tyrannosaurus was named "Rexxxy". She acts as Johny's watch dog. Rexxxy likes to play catch daily.
Liger
On a daily basis tries to eat Phoenix.
Werewolf
Former President Richard Nixon, he was attacked during a routine hunting trip and was turned into a wolf-man. He is also the one who made Jimmy Hoffa "dissapear" and when he accedently went back in time with Johny on a mission, killed Amelia Earhart in a rage of lust.
Kraken
The great and mighty Kraken. Killed by The Misadventurers, I think not! Kraken devoured them, ship and all. Kraken then went on a rampage until Johny made a deal that Kraken could stay in Johny's pond.
Dragons
They cook Johny's meals.
The Juggernaut
The leader of the trio, he's a European dragon of Scottish decent.
Purple Haze
The strongest and smartest of the three, he could easily have been the leader, though he hates to do work. He also has a fear of kittens and hates to fight. He comes from Chinese decent.
Van Wailin'
The "coolist" of the three. He's a water dragon with both water and ice powers. An arctic dragon, he loves fish. Quick to get into fights, he never gives ups.
Phoenix
Flew into the sun out of fear of Liger, but is immortale so it does not matter.
Cerberus
Ate Hercules and got a stomach ache.
Basilisk
Killed by some stupid wizard in the basement of Johny's toybox, or so we were led to believe.
Choopathingy
Hey Grif, Choopathingy how about that?
Right Arm
Johny's right arm is solid gold. Made in 16th Century France, it is nicknamed "God's Divine Punishment" as it can purify any evil.
Left Arm
Who really cares about his left arm?
Right Leg
Johny's right leg is connected to the foot which is currently up Adolf Hitler's Rectum.
Left Leg
Johny's left leg once conquered 90% of what is now known as Spain and led an invasion into Italy and France. The left leg was dubbed "Pierna de Reyes" or "Leg of Kings".
Giles Related
- Has, infact, saved Giles from the cave.
Other
- Johny once had a fight to the death with Deadpool, the Merc with a Mouth. The battle ended in a draw when Deadpool saw a pretty butterfly and ran off to kill it.
- Johny taught Chuck Norris how to tango, making him the only person alive who is better than Chuck Norris (other than Zombie Raptor Jesus) at at least one thing for more than one second.
- Johny once stole the 5th dimension, but decided to give it back on the condition he could keep his summer home there.
- Johny beat cancer twice: it continues to limp to this day.
- Johny fought the law, and HE won.
- With a stick of butter and a broken foot, Johny defeated 15000 French soldiers one Tuesday afternoon.
- Johny one day accidentally divided by zero and the universe containing the ultimate evil was destroyed, saving everyone.
- Johny once found a lone dragon egg. Instead of raising it and fulfilling his destiny as a Dragon Rider he had sunny side up eggs for breakfast.
- Johny once got an invitation to Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, but instead sold it on ebay and spend the day fornicating with women.
- Johny once saw a sparkly vampire and beat him to a pulp, threw his sparkles into the pits of Hades, then continued his daily stroll with Rexxxy.
- In America, you listen to man on radio. In Soviet Russia, man on radio listen to you. In Johny, there are no men or radios, just a half-eaten sandwich.
- Johny has slept with as many women as there are digits in pi.
(n) A set of beliefs that constitute the behavior of Johny and his followers; Johny's religion.
(v) To follow the STRICT set of beliefs that make up the Johnyism.
(adj) Making any and all nouns Johnyistic.
Rules
Ten Commandments
1) Thou shalt not read any farther than this
2) Thou hast read farther, prepare to die
3) Thou that handest not his beer to me shall incur my wrath
4) Thou that smelt it, hath most likely dealt it
5) Thou shalt not stroke Kelsey's patience. EMOTIONAL WALL!
6) Mine enemy cometh in green shoes
7) Thou shalt announce when thy dirty deed hath been done
8) Thou shalt get in thy fridge
9) Thou shalt not return thy land to thine Indian brethren, i.e. Kelsey.
10) Thou shalt not read any books pertaining to bird
Other
11) Have you ever seen a mouse ride an elephant? Well I'm about to KICK YOUR ASS! lol jk, but seriously >:(
12) Thou shalt uphold the sacred art of scoring Stage Presence Points while thy is playing any Guitar Hero
13) Thou shalt shoot him in the face with a rifle
14) If thine father is thou mother's brother, then thou art banished
15) Thou shalt talk to corporate... like a boss
16) Thou shalt not steal, but merely "borrow"
17) Thou shalt take out the trash
18) Thou shalt be granted a wife at one's request should the following be met:
a. Bring a cup of wine in the shape of a cow
b. Eat ice cream on Sunday
c. Remember the Alamo
19) Sharing is caring
20) Monkey stew!
- see also Amazing for more titles
- The Origin of Satan, by Elaine Pagels (Vintage Books, New York 1995) explores the development, the "demonization" of the character of Satan against the background of the bitter struggle between the early Church and the Synagogue to be the legitimate heir of ancient Hebrew religious tradition. She discusses how Satan becomes a figure that reflects our own hatreds and prejudices, and the struggle between our loving selves and our fearful, combative selves.
- The Old Enemy: Satan & the Combat Myth, by Neil Forsyth (Princeton, New Jersey, 1987) seeks to show how Satan emerged from ancient mythological traditions and is best understood not as a principle of evil, but as a narrative character in the context of "the Combat Myth". Forsyth tells the Devil's story from the Epic of Gilgamesh through to the writings of St. Augustine.
- The Devil: Perceptions of Evil from Antiquity to Primitive Christianity, by Jeffrey Burton Russell (Meridian, New York 1977) is "a history of the personification of evil" which, to make things clear, he calls "the Devil". Accessible and engaging, full of photographs illustrating the text, this is the first of a four volume series on the history of the concept of the Devil. The following volumes are, Satan: The Early Christian Tradition, Lucifer: The Devil in the Middle Ages, and Mephistopheles: The Devil in the Modern World.
- The Devil in Legend and Literature, by Maximilian Rudwin (Open Court, La Salle, Illinois, 1931, 1959) is a compendium of "the secular and sacred adventures of Satan."
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