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馬克·吐温（英语：Mark Twain，1835年11月30日—1910年4月21日），原名塞姆·朗赫恩·克列門斯（Samuel Langhorne Clemens），是美国的幽默大師、小說家、作家，同時也是演說家，被譽為「美國文學中的林肯」。
- 問題不是蠢人特別多，而是閃電都沒有準確擊中每一個。
- The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.
- 絕不要和愚蠢的人爭論，他們會把你拖到他們那樣的水平，然後回擊你。
- Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
- 快乐的情感是来源于与不好的事的对比，而快乐本身并没有任何意义。（12月9日之每日名言）
- Happiness ain't a thing in itself --- it's only a contrast with something that ain't pleasant. That's all it is.
- 真正的大不敬是不尊重別人所信仰的的神。（5月25日之每日名言）
- True irreverence is disrespect for another man's god.
- 人類是唯一如此的動物：他愛護他的鄰居就如同愛護他自己一樣，但是如果對方的宗教神學有問題，他會割斷對方的喉嚨。
- He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself, and cut his throat if his theology isn't straight.
- 每一個人生下來都擁有一項資產，它比其他所有的資產價值都高，就是他最後的一口氣。
- Each person is born to one possession which outvalues all his others --- his last breath.
- 良好的教養在於隱藏我們對自己較佳的評價，以及隱藏我們對他人較差的評價。
- Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.
- 「名聲」如同是蒸氣，「聲望」如同是意外，在地球上唯一可以確定的事情是被遺忘掉。
- Fame is vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion.
- 「原則」是「偏見」的另個名稱。
- Principles is another name for prejudice.
- 被大膽說出的預言，從來不會被迷信的人認為是愚笨無趣的。
- Prophecies boldly uttered never fall barren on superstitious ears.
- 「必要」不認識任何的「法律」。
- Necessity knows no law.
- 當你為愛情而釣魚時，要用你的心當作餌，而不是用你的腦筋。
- When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- 如果所有的人都是富有的，那麼所有的人都是貧窮的。
- If all men were rich, all men would be poor.
- 經常要坦白地承認一項過失錯誤，這將使你的上司意料防備不及，才會給你一個機會去犯更多的錯誤。
- Always acknowledge a fault frankly. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.
- 首先去取得你的事實，然後你才能夠隨心所欲的扭曲誤解它。
- Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you like.
- 一個人最危險的敵人是他自己的口舌。（5月28日之每日名言）
- The deadly enemy of a man, his own tongue....
- 一本懷有惡意的書籍將不會傷害到任何人，除了寫它的傻瓜。
- A malignant book would hurt nobody but the fool who wrote it.
- 預言是人類唯一一項無法由重复練習而进步的技術。
- Prophesying was the only human art that couldn't be improved by practice.
- 亞當真是一位老糊塗，他本來一切事情都很順利，而且他已經成功的贏得社區內最漂亮女孩子的芳心，但是他對自己的征服成果卻感到不滿足，他必須去吃那一顆可憐的小蘋果。
- What a fool old Adam was. Had everything his own way; had succeeded in gaining the love of the best looking girl in the neighborhood, but yet unsatisfied with his conquest he had to eat a miserable little apple.
- 印度擁有兩百萬個神靈，他們崇拜所有的這些神靈。在宗教上其他的國家都是窮人，印度是唯一的「百萬富翁」。
- India has 2,000,000 gods, and worships them all. In religion other countries are paupers; India is the only millionaire.
- 如果你收養了一隻飢餓可憐的狗，並且讓牠舒適順利，牠將不會咬你，這便是一個人與一隻狗之間最主要的差別。
- If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
- 沒有一個世紀，也沒有一個國家曾經缺少過這樣的專家，他們能夠知道神祇的心思，而且也願意表示出來。
- There was never a century nor a country that was short of experts who knew the Deity's mind and were willing to reveal it.
- 但誰會為撒但祈禱呢？十八個世紀以來，有誰具有共同的人性，為一個最有需要的罪人祈禱？（出自《簡·蘭普頓·克萊門斯》）
- But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteencenturies, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?（From Jane Lampton Clemens）
- 當一個人閱讀聖經時，他對於神祇所知程度的驚訝往往低於他對於神祇所不知程度的驚訝。
- When one reads Bibles, one is less surprised at what the Deity knows than at what he doesn't know.
- 有一個人從天堂來到人間旅遊，他所使用的是有效三十天的減價票，他試圖要把他的回程票賣掉。
- Ingersoll's story of the man that went down from heaven on a reduced-rate excursion ticket good for 30 days --- and tried to sell his return ticket.
- 為了練習，首先造了傻子，然後祂創造了教育委員會。（11月30日之每日名言）
- In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then He made School Boards.
- 雖然在一切的成長物中，愛情看上去是最快的，究其實卻最遲緩。男男女女沒有一個人曉得什麼是十全十美的愛，除非一直到他們結婚了二十五年之後。
- Though love seems the fastest of all growths, it is really the slowest. No man or woman knows what perfect love is, until they have been married a quarter of a century.
- 在四月一日時，回想一下這一年來的其他364天自己在做些什麼。
- The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.
- 我會用city而永不用Metropolis來表達城市，用cop而永不用policeman來表達警察，既然三丶四個字母可以賺七個美分，為什麼要用長而贅的字呢？
- I never write Metropolis for seven cents because I can get the same price for city. I never write policeman because I can get the same money for cop.
- 不要把事實告訴不值得的人。
- Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.
- 真相比小說更加荒誕，因為虛構是在一定邏輯下進行的，而現實往往毫無邏輯可言。
- Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn’t.
- 讓我們陷入困境的不是無知，而是看似正確的謬誤論斷。
- What gets us into trouble is not what we don't know. It's what we know for sure that just ain't so.
- 每個人都是一个月亮，總有一個陰暗面，而他從來不会讓人看見。
- Every one is a moon and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.
- 人一生有兩個最重要的日子，一是出生的那天，二是發現你為何而生的那天。
- The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.
- 為氣候上天國，為同伴下地獄。
- Go to heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
- 服裝決定人的型態，全裸的人對社會幾乎沒有影響。
- Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- －Merle Johnson, More Maxims of Mark (1927)
- 二十年後，你會懊悔更多的是那些現在沒做，而不是真的做了的事。所以，拋開繩結，駛離安全的港灣。掌握好你的風向，勇敢的探險，夢想，發現吧。
- Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than the ones you did.So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. （註：這句説話被部份人質疑不是由馬克·吐温所説的。）
- 每當你發現自己和大多數人站在同一邊，你就該停下來反思一下。
- Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
- 当真理还正在穿鞋的时候，谎言就能走遍半个世界。
- A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is still putting on its shoes.
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