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The Addams Family is a musical with music and lyrics by Andrew Lippa and a book by Marshall Brickman and Rick Elice. The show is based upon The Addams Family characters created by Charles Addams in his single-panel gag cartoons, which depict a ghoulish American family with an affinity for all things macabre.
- When I break wind it can start the windmills on an old Dutch painting.
- Three words people: total, body, make-over! Legs, hair, boobs, the full enchilada! Call me cougar, but I betcha there's a couple of ninety year old hotties out there waiting to take their teeth out and chow down on a Grandma sandwich!
- Time, my dear, is a thief. she'll steal your soul and flee on little fairy wings. STAY OUT OF MY SHIT OR I'LL RIP YOUR LEG OFF AND BURY IT IN THE BACKYARD! ...I love you...
- Ok kids... STOP THAT UNDER SCORE...
- You're probably thinking: what could a fat bald person of no specific sexuality know about love? But I, too, am in love. Fester loves...
- So will love triumph, or will everyone go home vaguely depressed?
- fester loves... THE MOON!
- Love of chocolate! You must love chocolate, everybody loves chocolate! Say you do, say it!
- [to the family's pet squid] No! Bernice, he's a guest, you can't have him!
- Are thy now prepared to join thy fabulous mother? She of skin so pale, eyes so deep, and DRESS cut down to Venezuela!
- [to Bernice] NoNoNo! The people elect the electors and the electors elect the president... Well I'm sure it sounded like a good idea at the time.
- Just like the bull after the matador has stuck the sword een heem. "Nice job!... I hate you."
- Have you met my daughter? This is Wednesday, the best thing that will ever happen to you... Don't screw it up.
- [F]inds himself infested in hostile a land infested with mosquitos, rattle snakes, and many retired jewish peoples! But he manages to save three forks, this rapier and 5 million pieces of eight... or eight million pieces of five. The record is unclear.
- And you must be young Lucas! Unless of course you are the father and you are the son... with a massive thyroid problem! Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha... I go to far...!
- [T]his dinner puts me in mind of my great ancestor Hector Fernando Escondido Chimichanga a man hated by the church but clever with a quip. In fact upon being burned alive he said to the priest he'd be pink in the middle, a little crispy on the outside! Of course... {cut off by Wednesday}
- Ok so I'm a goat... leaping from crag to crag like we do. mah mah
- Ok so we loose the goat. No goat! I hate goats.
- You think to make off with my daughter? Where is the talk of dowry. Perhaps an exchange of cattle... so many bushels of wheat.
- Mal: Man they really got to you... that doesn't even rhyme!
- Morticia: What are you wearing?
- Wednesday: a dress
- Morticia: A yellow dress.
- Gomez: Paloma – what happened? You look like a crime scene!
- Gomez: It's called Full Disclosure!
- Morticia: Everybody sips from the sacred family chalice and confesses something they never told anyone.
- Gomez: Loosely based on the inquisition.
- Wednesday: Now here’s the thing. We’re gonna act real normal.
- The Addams Family: Gasp!
- Grandma: Define “normal.”
- Lucas: Wait, I know this tree! it's where I first saw her! I was lost in the park when a pigeon dropped to my feet with an arrow in it, I looked up, and there she was! Wednesday with a crossbow, and she looked like Diana the Huntress.
SHE CAN DO IT I PROMISE SHE CAN
- Mal: Who?
- Lucas: A Roman Goddess, Dad. She ruled the woodlands and was worshipped by slaves.
- Alice: Isn't that interesting!
- Mal: Well, that's great input that will get you through life.
- Grandma: One sip of this will turn Mary Poppins into Madea.
- Pugsley: I don't understand your references!
- Grandma: Then stop the damn texting and pick up a book once in a while!
- Morticia: Wednesday is growing up.
- Gomez: She'll be Thursday before you know it!
- Mal: 20 thousand square feet in the middle of central park how'd they swing that I wonder?
- Alice: I don't know honey but that man looks dead.
- Lucas: But you see the lover always comes back... Ulysses. Tristan. Romeo.
- Wednesday: Look I'm home schooled... what's your point?
- Gomez: You gave a child agrimonium!?
- Mama: I did NOT! I gave him love and understanding... which is a lot more than I get around here! I know what you've been saying missy. Sure I smoke weed in the attic! It's medicinal! I have... gingivitis. And I'm the matriarch of this family! I'm somebody's mother! And let me clear that one up right now! You wanna know who's mother I am?! It's... ohhh I've got to stop smoking weed in the attic!
- Alice: [sings] When I'm depressed
Or feeling blessed
A poem will get it off my chest
They come to me
They take no time
They just pop out
and always rhyme. - Morticia: Maybe you should see someone about that!
- Alice: And they're always about the one thing everyone needs and so few have...
- Morticia: Health care?
- Alice: Why, love of course!
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