Rock Paper Scissors (TV series)

Birthday Police / Paper's Big Lie [1.01]

Rock: Get ready. 'Cause we're about to go on an adventure.

Paper: There will be twists. There will be turns.

Scissors: But if we stick together, [his sunglasses shine] I promise… we will complete this maze for ages five and under!

Rock: Let's get the cat to the cat food!

Paper: Yeah!

Scissors: We got this.

[The Birthday Police car starts playing a Rock and Roll version of "Happy Birthday"]

Rock and Roll Singer: [sings] Happy Birthday to you.

Rock: [screams] I love this song!

Rock and Roll Singer: [continues singing] Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday. Happy Birthday to you!

[Officer Wishowski aims the Confetti Cannon at the trio]

Scissors: Confetti Cannon! I can't see!

[Paper coughs as the trio wipe the confetti off their bodies]

Rock & Scissors: Jump jump. Hup hup. [they both fall to the floor] Jump jump. Hup hup. [they fall to the floor again] Jump jump. Hup hup. [they fall to the floor a third time and Paper's machine got knocked over]

Paper: [frustrated] What the heck are you doing?!

Scissors: Trying to do a jump jump kick.

Rock: You know, from video games. When your second jump is in the air, then you do a really cool kick.

[Rock and Scissors try to do it again but they fall to the floor once again]

Paper: Somehow you two are dumber together.

Scissors: [gets back up] Or we're smarter together.

Rock: [also gets back up] Got it. [he and Scissors try to high five each other but they slap their faces and fall to the floor the final time]

Pogo Sticks / Car Wash [1.02]

[While the trio are posing for meditation, they're interrupted by sounds from up the fourth floor]

Rock: What the heck was that?!

Scissors & Paper: [viciously] The Rat Bros.

[The trio show up at the Rat Bros' Apartment 4A on the fourth floor]

Logan: [answers the door] 'Sup, losers?

Rock: Losers?

Paper: Come on.

Scissors: Man, you're cool.

Paper: What is going on in there?!

Logan: Oh, we're doing pogo tricks, brah. [shows the trio his brothers: Brody, Brogan, and Dirf, hopping up and down on their pogo sticks] We're hosting a super cool pogo party this Sunday. You're welcome to come, except… oh, that's right…you don't have pogo sticks.

Rat Bros: Nice, bro. Nice, bro. Nice, bro. Nice, bro.

[Brody closes the door on the trio with his pogo stick; back at their apartment]

Paper: [frustrated] Ugh! I hate those Rat Bros, yet, I care so much about what they think of me.

Scissors: We have to get pogo sticks. If we don't, we won't be cool.

Weekend Story / Putty [1.03]

Pencil: Skydiving? Wow, Paper. I was just about to be your girlfriend, but not anymore, you boring turkey! [pulls a lever, causing Paper to eject and laughs maniacally]

Pencil #1: No conflict pirates?

Pencil #2: Swords as decoration?

Pencil #3: You wear glasses?

Paper: You wear glasses?

Pencil #3: Yeah, but I wear them as well.

[The Pencil clones all press a button together, causing Paper to eject and laugh diabolically]

Paper: You can run but you can't fly! [laughs evilly; activating his drone]

Hide and Seek / The First Lou Episode [1.04]

Scissors: [dramatic] You think you can hide from me?! Well, you're wrong because I… will… seek you! [playfully] Ready or not, here I come! [annoyed] Rock, you're behind the lamp. You're really bad at this game.

[Rock notices and sighs sadly]

Paper: Rock, I need your help to find Scissors.

Rock: You have to find me first. [giggles]

Paper: I mean, you're wearing camouflage against the blue wall.

Rock: [notices] Okay, I'll do it. But only if I can keep playing.

Paper: Sure. Go nuts.

[Rock cartwheels back to the camouflage wall and sighs sadly]

Rock: I am not good at this game.

[The trio are knitting a friendship blanket together while singing a song when they hear a banging sound from the door]

Lou: [off-screen] It's Lou. Let me in.

Scissors: Shoot, it's the landlord!

Paper: Don't answer it. I don't want to deal with that pile of garbage.

Rock: Paper! He's not that bad.

Paper: No, I mean, he's literally trash.

[Rock opens the door, revealing Lou, a grumpy landlord standing in the doorway]

Rock: Lou, can you please put on pants?

Lou: Pants? What am I, rich? You'd think I work on Wall Street? Oh, look at me. I wear pants and own a sports team. Why don't I buy a Lamborghini, too, wear that around my legs?

Lou: [as the end credits roll] Look at all these Hollywood phonies. Oh, Bob. Bob pronounces it "croi-ssant." Very annoying. Kurt, he's a fancy guy! Drinks seltzer! What are you, not getting enough free air? You got to pay to drink it? And let me tell you something about Nickelodeon, and I won't let them censor this! They... [a card sequence reading, "Oops! Please stand by" appears] I hope you like this episode, 'cause now, they get a lot worse!

The Susan / Eyebrows [1.05]

Scissors: The Susan is right.

Rock: The Susan is always right.

Paper: Well, this is the first time The Susan has talked, remember?

Rock: We're sorry.

Scissors: We should have never changed you.

Paper: Can you forgive us?

Rock: [pacing back and forth] What am I gonna do about this audition?! Without my eyebrows, no one'll read my emotions!

Paper: You seem very calm about this.

Rock: No, I'm not! I'm freaking out!

Paper: I can't-uh, do you need a snack? Are you cold? Did you slam your hand in a new or possibly old car door? [Rock draws angry eyebrows on two notepads and puts them on his forehead] Oh, oh, oh, you're upset. Don't worry. I think I can help you with my robotics invention. I'll make you… a pair of… animatronic eyebrows!

Scissors Gets a Job [1.06]

Rock: You made money by faking injuries and suing people? That's terrible.

Scissors: [mockingly] Oh, moral Rock doesn't like making his money through fraudulent lawsuits.

Paper: Broke or not, you still have to pay for your pizza. Maybe it's time you stop being a bum and get a job.

Scissors: [mockingly once again] Oh, judgmental Paper calls me a bum just 'cause I fit the definition of one.

Paper: Why don't you ever wanna find work? Is it because you're not really good at anything?

Scissors: [offended] Hey!

Rock: Yeah, Scissors is good at lot of things, like, uh, sunglasses.

Scissors: Forget you guys. I'll find work when I want to.

Paper: Well, until you do, you can't have pizza with us.

Scissors: I've been fired from every job I've tried, and this was kind of my last option. But I guess I'll go home and tell my roommates they were right about me. I'm a loser.

Paper: [weakly and stuffed with a huge belly] Scissors, did you… [stomach grumbles while he clutches it] Oh. …get a job yet?

Rock: [pushes Paper aside, also stuffed with a huge belly] Please say yes.

Scissors: Guys, I can't talk right now. I'm hiding out in a chamomile field.

Paper: Oh, of course you are. Then you leave us no choice. [pulls a giant pizza pie] We're going to eat the most decadent pizza ever created.

Rock: No!

Paper: The Ultimate Meat Huggers Double Stuffed Deep Dishanator with 50 pounds… of cheese. [Rock starts crying as he eats a slice while Scissors looks confused] It's so… [grabs his stomach while groaning as it grumbles] ...good.

Rock: [whimpers as Paper eats another slice] Oh, there's pizza underneath the pizza! [he and Paper eat more slices until they fall on their sides and holding their bellies in pain]

Scissors: [gets an idea] Wait. I know what I'm good at! [runs away, dropping his phone]

Paper: Oh, Rock, he ran away. We're gonna come find you, Scissors. We just want to have… [his stomach gurgles; groans] …as much fun… Oh, no. …as we're having!

Rock: No more pizza! NO MORE PIZZA!!!!!

The Arctic / Prank War [1.07]

Paper: Why is it so hot in here?

Rock: Scissors crank the heater up so he can show off his new tank top.

Scissors: Check it out! It's a monster truck with enormous biceps. It's perfect for tough guys like me. I even had them print my motto on the back. "If you want the 'ceps, you do the reps."

Paper: You don't do the reps, and why are you in a tank top? It's winter. [opens the window blinds, revealing the winter sky and wind] You're gonna overload the heater like this. It can't handle… [the heater suddenly breaks down and the cold air breezes into the apartment; sighs in annoyance] Without me, you guys would not survive.

[The trio stand outside of Lou's apartment]

Lou: I'm raising the rent!

Rock: Lou!

Paper: Hold on!

Scissors: Give us a second!

Paper: Listen, our heater broke and we need you to fix it.

Lou: [sarcastically] Oh, fancy, boys, you "set" the temperature in your apartment. You don't got to turn on a hot plate and rub it on your bum.

Rock: You don't got it either.

Lou: Well, I can't help you. I'm on my way to Landlord Con. It's a meetup for landlords where we talk about plumbing and famous literature.

Scissors: Name one book.

Lou: Fine, it's just plumbing. Anyway, I'll be back in three days. Mittens, you're the new landlord while I'm gone.

[Mittens walks out of the doorway and meows to them as if he was saying "I'm raising the rent!"]

Rock: Mittens!

Paper: Come on!

Scissors: That's so unfair! [as he and his friends return to their apartment] It'll be fine. We could survive without heat for three days.

[They enter their apartment and shockingly find it all covered in snow and icicles]

Paper: Well, we can go stay with my mom.

Rock: New adventure! Rock, Paper, Scissors move in with Paper's mom!

Paper: [trying to open the door, but only to find that it's quickly frozen; grunting] It's frozen shut! We're trapped!

Scissors: By the way, fun fact about monster trucks-- they don't normally have biceps.

Paper: [groans annoyingly] Well, we're off to a great start. We can't call for help because our phones are frozen. [to Scissors] You won't put on a jacket because you keep saying you "run hot."

Scissors: [shivering; resisting the cold temperature] T-t-tough guys like me don't g-get cold.

Paper: And Rock is not taking this seriously.

Paper: [wearily while making an igloo] I just need to finish this igloo. That'll keep us safe.

Rock: Oh, here's a good one. If you were a warm, nutritious food, what warm, nutritious food would you be? [igloo explodes, covering them in snow] Do you prefer the hot or the cold?

Scissors: Fun fact about me, I actually run…

Paper: [snapping] Shut up! Shut up! Ah, I hate this! I am tired of you two being incapable, and I hate always being the savior of this group!

Scissors: What'll it take to get you to join? You want money, gifts, someone to hug you and say, "Good job, son"? Wait, that's what I want.

Paper: Look, pranks are mean, and they're hurting our society. Just think what we could accomplish if we stopped tricking people and started helping them. As a man of science, I'd rather spend my time changing the world, curing diseases, and bringing back the rainforest!

Scissors: [to Rock] How funny would it be if that wrecking ball would hit him right now?

Pencil: [bursting into their apartment] Guys, the Rat Bros asked me to join their side in the prank war!

Rock: [shocked] WHAT?! Wait, I actually don't know how to feel about this yet. Keep talking.

Pencil: I'm so excited! Most people don't know this about me, but I'm a huge trickster. One time, I told a coworker something was made of polycarbonate when it was actually made of polythylmethacrylate!

Paper: [chuckles] Oh, you are bad.

[The trio are hiding behind a bush in the park, watching the Rat Bros weightlifting]

Scissors: Okay. What's the plan, new guy?

Paper: I say we sneak up and blast them with my water balloon cannon. Now, Rock! Push the button!

Rock: [tries to push the button but the laser zaps him causing him to dance uncontrollably] I'm trying but I can't stop dancing!

Scissors: I'll do it. [the laser zaps him; his body starts to inflate like a balloon and floats away] What is- Rock, grab me! GRAB ME! [holds onto the cannon]

Paper: What the heck is going- [the laser zaps him; screams as his neck extends like a giraffe and his giraffe-like head falls to the ground] Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!

[The Rat Bros walk up to them]

Rock: Oh, the party won't stop!

Logan: 'Sup, boys? Were you planning to blast us with your secret weapon? Well, we have a secret weapon too.

Pencil: [popping up from a nearby bush] I made an atomic transmogrification laser! It can alter molecular structure in really crazy ways! Watch. [zaps Scissors' head, causing it to also inflate]

Scissors: My head! My head is a balloon! [floats away]

Paper: Okay, this might be a bit harder than I thought.

Scissors: Sharp branch! Sharp branch!

[Scissors' nose is poked by a branch and deflates around while the Rat Bros laugh]

[The Rat Bros have tied up the trio to chairs for trying to steal Pencil's transmogrification laser while sneaking into their apartment]

Scissors: [to Brody, Brogan, and Dirf] Hey, I know we're in a prank war right now, but I just wanna say I really respect you guys. Prank! You're trashed! [laughs triumphantly] We got one, guys. We got one.

Pencil: Theft, Paper? That was your plan? You know, I expected something that basic from Scissors, and maybe Rock, 'cause I don't know much about him.

Rock: We should hang out more.

Pencil: We should! But come on, man, up your game. It's like, I'm Issac Newton and you're Godfried-Willem Raes.

Scissors: [riding a robot mech, interrupting the Prank War award ceremony] Stop that crowning!

Woman: What? Stop the crowning?

Paper: [walks up on the stage] Oh, you thought this was over? [snickers] Well, prank! [Scissors grabs Dirf from his seat; stands on the podium] Ladies and gentlemen, answer me this: How can the Rat Bros accept the prank crown if the Rat Bros aren't all on this planet? Yes! Do it, Scissors! Wedgie that Rat Bro into space! Look at me now, Pencil! I'm Issac Newton! I'm Issac Newton! [laughs maniacally, shaking the podium]

[Rock, Pencil, the Rat Bros, the audience, and Paper all watch as Scissors is preparing to fire the missile and send Dirf off into space]

Scissors: [coming to his senses as he almost pushes the button] No. [deactivates the missile and sets Dirf down]

Paper: What?

Scissors: No more prank war! [the audience gasps] I just had a huge revelation. Pranks are mean, and they're hurting our society.

Paper: Wait, that's what I said.

Scissors: Just think what we could accomplish if we stopped tricking people and started helping them.

Paper: [baffled] Is he doing my speech?

Scissors: As a man of science, I'd rather spend my time changing the world, curing diseases, and bringing back the rainforest!

[The audience clap and cheer, and the Rat Bros whistle]

Rock: Whoo!

Logan: [kneels down to Scissors] Good job, son. [he and Scissors hug as the latter sheds tears of happiness]

Key Limes / Six Pieces of Turkey [1.08]

Scissors: [pukes in the trash can and moans] Oh, man. Did you see me driving back there? I was cool as a cu- [his belly rumbles and pukes in the trash again] …cumber.

The Other Rock Paper Scissors / The Astonishing Catalina [1.09]

Better Rock, Paper, & Scissors: Hello!

Scissors: Oh, boy.

[Scissors yells in rage]

Better Paper: Hey, you seem upset.

Scissors: We can live like this.

Catalina: Why won't you let me do the trick?!

Scissors: Because it makes me feel uncool!

Catalina: What are you talking about? You're effortlessly cool! The only way I can feel cool is by doing magic!

Scissors: I find that hard to believe, 'cause everything about you is cool! You're stylish and confident and turn horses into dragons!

Catalina: But you never blink an eye! I've done so many horrible things to you and you always say you can live like this!

Scissors: YOU'RE THE COOLEST PERSON I KNOW!

Catalina: THAT'S HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU!

Pencil Comes Over / The Wind [1.10]

Paper: I can't believe that worked.

Scissors: I know. It went exactly like… [stomach gurgles and pukes] Oh, whatever.

Sandpaper: You're the vomit boy?

Scissors: That was one time and it hasn't happened- [stomach gurgles and pukes again] Oh, why?

The Holiday Picture / Scrubs [1.11]

Rock: Guys! We got more holiday cards!

Paper: [disappointed] Man, everyone looks so perfect in these photos-- Lou, the Rat Bros, even Crazy-Eyed Pirate.

Rock: Who?

Scissors: I don't know. We met a lot of wacky characters. It's hard to keep track.

Paper: Why can't we take a good holiday picture? Every year, something goes wrong. There was that year Rock's head got stuck in a honey jar, the year we had broccoli in our teeth, the year we were all 8-bit, the year Scissors went Super Saiyan.

Scissors: That year was awesome!

Paper: And the year Rock dressed up as some old cartoon character.

[The last photo shows Rock in his Rocko getup from Rocko's Modern Life]

Rock: You didn't enjoy "Rocko, Paper, Scissors"?

Paper: Eh, it was okay.

Scissors: I liked that show. The main guy was always like… [spot-on as Rocko] "Hey, mate, I'm Rocko, and I have a dog named Spunky. He-he." [normally] Or something like that. I don't do a very good impression.

Paper: I just want one perfect holiday photo.

Rock: Wait. Where is your chain?

Scissors: Oh! Toast Ghost is covering it! Aw, man! Now the caption doesn't make any sense!

[The trio are eating at a cafe while Paper is dressed in a medical uniform and scrubs, much to Scissors' jealousy]

Scissors: So, we're just not gonna talk about Paper's clothes.

Paper: Whatever do you mean?

Rock: Guys, let's be peaceful.

Scissors: I mean, you're wearing scrubs. You are not a doctor, and yet, you are wearing the clothes a doctor wears.

Paper: Oh, is that what these are? I thought they were pajamas.

Scissors: And the stethoscope?

Paper: I thought it was a necklace.

Scissors: Yeah? You wear necklaces now?

Rock: Scissors, take a breath.

Scissors: This is insane! He's so desperate for respect, he put on scrubs so people think he's a doctor. Well, no one's buying it, Paper!

Orange-haired Kid: Wow, a real-life hero! [offers Paper to sign his autograph] How can I be a doctor one day?

Paper: I'll say this, it's more than just putting on the clothes.

Scissors: That's literally all he did!

Rock: Let's ask why this upsets you.

Scissors: Rock, you went on one meditation retreat, you're not some wise, old sage. [points to Paper] And he's not a doctor! I bet he can't even tell you what hospital he works at!

Scissors: [grumbles annoyingly] I'm gonna get more respect than you, Paper. And I know someone's society respects even more than doctors. [walks off, and comes back, wearing a basketball jersey]

Paper: What are you wearing?

Scissors: A basketball jersey… Which I guess makes me a professional basketball player.

Paper: Oh, please. You really think people are going to believe that you're…

Woman: Ronald Jamison!

Orange-haired Kid: [sitting with three kids who look like pairs of scissors] What the heck is going on?

Scissors: Come on, Paper, I'm really hurt! Just admit you're not a doctor!

Paper: Only if you admit you're not Ronald Jamison!

Scissors: Why don't I admit myself to the hospital…where you don't work!

Bowling / The Character Quiz [1.12]

Rock: Want to tell your problems to a rock you never met?

Bowling Owner: [sighs] It's that Scissors guy. He's putting me out of business. See? At my bowling alley, a perfect score gets you a free tub of curly fries and a free game. And Scissors got so good at bowling, he hasn't paid for a game in 2 years.

Rock: Yeah, Scissors gets carried away when he finds a deal. It tends to turn him into a cartoon villain.

[Scissors laughs evilly while wearing an evil mustache made of curly fries]

Rock: [to Scissors] Listen, Scissors. It would really help the owner if you started paying for curly fries.

Scissors: Oh, naive Rock, always trying to help. Don't you know how life works? You don't win by helping. You win by taking advantage, and exploiting deals for all... they're... worth! [laughs maniacally as lightning bolts flash behind him] Man, these deals make me a maniac.

Rock: I like to believe that if you reach out your arms to others, their arms will reach back out to you.

Scissors: You also believe the Earth is heart-shaped. I can't trust anything you say.

Rock: Then how about this? I challenge you to a game of bowling. If I win, you have to start paying for curly fries. But if you win, you get the bowling alley.

Scissors: Seriously? I mean, yeah, of course. That's a very uneven deal.

Scissors: [talking to a therapist] I will take advantage of this therapy deal. I will exploit it to the ends of the Earth! [lightning bolts flash behind him once again]

Therapist: And where do you think that comes from?

Scissors: [starts crying] I don't know!

Logan: [enters the trio's apartment] I heard you guys got Stephernie. I got Stephernie!

Brody: I got Fire Hydrant.

Lou: [sliding in] I got Dave!

Scissors: Sure.

Logan: I see that.

Paper: Me too.

Rock: How? How do you see that?

Logan: Hey, some Stephernies and I are having a party to watch the 1,000th episode. Now that we're all Stephernies, I'm willing to put aside our differences if you want to come.

[Paper and Scissors show up at the Rat Bros' apartment for a private Stephernie party while carrying pizza]

Logan: [answers the door] Come in! I see you brought pizza, as a Stephernie would. Please, put it on the table and join the party.

Scissors: Wow, check out all these other Stephernies. Baron Von Snootsberg, Robot Executive.

Paper: Sandpaper, you're a Stephernie, too?

Sandpaper: Of course, we're both career women, and we both have a secret love of ribbon dancing. [gasps] Oh, no. Secret's out.

Scissors: [noticing something] Wait a minute! Someone brought pepperoni pizza, when everyone knows Stephernie's favorite topping is an entire Thanksgiving dinner! Someone here is not a Stephernie! [the others gasp in shock] No one's going anywhere, even if it takes all week, we will find the imposter, and when we do, there will be a severe punishment.

Lou: [showing up at Dave's restaurant with other Daves] Hello, fellow Daves!

All: Dave! [gather around him and give him a big hug]

Lou: [shedding tears of happiness] This quiz is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

[Meanwhile, at the Stephernie party in the Rat Bros' apartment…]

Scissors: I will find this imposter by testing all of you on details only a true Stephernie would know. [to Sandpaper] What's Stephernie's last name?!

Sandpaper: Stephernie.

Scissors: Good. [to Baron Von Snootsberg] Walk like Stephernie! [Baron Von Snootsberg makes monkey moves around the room and hooting like monkey] Good. [to Robot Executive] In season 16, episode 2, what does Stephernie say when she arrives at her younger sister's lake house?

Robot Executive: Oh, I don't know. You guys are going to kill me. I'm the fraud at the party!

[Paper sighs in relief]

Scissors: That's exactly what she said.

Paper: [nervously] Uh, I have to go to the bathroom… [everyone looks at him, suspiciously] in a Stephernie way. [walks to the Rat Bros' bathroom like a monkey]

Robot Executive: Yes, that checks out.

Scissors: Yeah, very Stephernie.

Rock: [on the phone with Paper] You snuck into a Stephernie party?! That is shameful behavior.

Paper: [hiding in the bathroom; on the phone with Rock, pacing back and forth] You just said you're breaking into a TV studio!

Rock: For my identity, Paper! My identity is at stake!

Paper: Look, I've never seen an episode. You gotta tell me everything you know about Stephernie.

Rock: Well, she's a pretty simple character. She has a degree in biochemistry, sleeps upside down, and fought in six wars.

Paper: What is this show?

Scissors: [standing up against the bathroom door, having to have heard everything] Not a Stephernie, huh?

Paper: I'm sorry! I just wanted to be a part of something! Don't punish me!

Scissors: [kneels down] Who even are you? Brobby, the Wizard, Cheesy the Iguana?

Paper: Seriously, what is this show?

Wizard: Listen, Fire Hydrant, I'm your brother. And I don't think this man you're dating is right for you.

Fire Hydrant: I can't help it. I like my men like I like my fires… Smokin'!

Creepo: Hey, pal. You're the Creepo here. Here's your popsicle stick and your chest hair.

Scissors: I'm sorry, Paper. I should have never tried to dunk you in a vat of hot lava just for not identifying with the same fictional TV character.

Paper: And I'm sorry that-- [realizes] actually, my thing wasn't that bad.

Potato / The Fart Joke Debate [1.13]

Paper: It's "The Paper Show"! Get ready for a one-man show starring Paper and his many talents. [Logan gets up and walks away] The greatest juggling act you've ever seen in three... two... [throws some things which are deadly and screams] Hey, dummy. Want to sing as I drink milk? [drinks milk and notices a dummy is not singing] No. Gonna do some improv for you. I just need a word to get started.

Scissors: Jacket!

Paper: Can I get another word?

Pencil: Circus!

Paper: Can I get a fruit that's round and orange?

Rock: Kumquat!

[Paper rolls his eyes, thinking of another plan to entertain his friends]

Paper: [rapping] When I say "Paper", you say "rules". Paper-

Rock, Scissors, Pencil, & Lou: No.

Potato: I don't even know how I got here.

Paper: Eh. I just don't like fart jokes.

[everyone gasps in horror]

Rock: What did you say?

Paper: I don't think they're funny.

[everyone gasps again]

Scissors: Not even Long Squeakers?

Pencil: Butt Trumpets?

Rock: Wet and Nasties?

Paper: Ew, what? No.

Scissors: [to Pencil and Rock] Guys, drop any plans you had. It's time we prove to Paper that fart jokes… are funny.

Paper's Secret Weapon / The Sled Hill [1.14]

Paper: [mumbling to himself while working] Stupid Euclid. Easy to be smart when you were alive. There were only, like, three numbers back then.

Scissors: Hey, Paper. What are you working on?

Paper: [turns around with an angry face] I did it. You didn't believe in me, but I created a tabletop fusion reactor that can produce unlimited clear energy!

Rock: Whoa.

Scissors: Now this is a winner. The judges are gonna love it.

Paper: Yeah, and then I'm gonna hurricane kick them in the face! [karate kicks a wall and runs off]

Rock: We might have made him a little too angry.

Scissors: Yeah. If he kicks a judge, he's definitely gonna lose. Then he'll be sad and angry.

Rock: [to Paper who's stomping, kicking, and growling] Paper, your invention is amazing. I'm proud of you now, and always.

[A rainbow appears from his head and into Paper's head reverting him to his normal happy self]

Paper: Thanks, Rock. I really appreciate that.

Paper: Scissors, I forbid you from sledding down that hill. It's a slippery slope straight to the emergency room. Also, don't add anything I didn't said during this flashback. I'm a big stick-in-the-mud, poopy-pants, poop-poop guy.

Rock: [runs up to Scissors who's lying on the ground] Scissors, are you alright?

Scissors: [sitting up] Ooh, my arm.

Rock: [looks at Scissors' right arm] Looks okay to me. [sees his broken left arm] Ooh, the broken arm.

Scissors: Rock, I can't move it. I think it's stuck like this.

Rock: Don't worry. I got a first aid kit from Chad's Medical School. [opens the case and springs pop out of it] It's also a comedy school. We gotta get Paper.

Scissors: No! You know Paper. He's gonna say, "I was right" like he always does, and turn it into a whole production. We just have to hide this from him until my arm heals. Are you with me?

Rock: I'm with you. [high fives Scissors, causing him to scream in pain and his arm starts throbbing] Oh, right. Your arm.

Scissors' Catapult / Pencil and Potato [1.15]

Paper: [tries to turn on the lamp but it doesn't work] Huh, bulb's dead. I should probably go to the store and get a new one. [he goes to the roof instead] However did I get here? Oh, perhaps Rock's right. It seems irresponsible to- [he catapults the lamp into the sky and laughs joyfully] I’M FINALLY ALIVE!!!! I got to find more stuff. [whistles but accidentally breaks a toaster] Whoops! Guess I gotta catapult this toaster. [accidentally breaks the chair] Oh, no! Can't sit on a broken chair… Guess I gotta catapult that too. [tries to push the fridge to make it fall] And is this fridge gonna fall? [straining] Is this… fridge… gonna… Ah, come on!

Rock: Paper, are you breaking things to justify catapulting them?

Future Kevin: If you're not going to mow my lawn, I'll make you mow my lawn!

Future Scissors: [while wearing a horse costume] You wouldn't hurt a horse, would you?

Pencil: But we hiked up this mountain together, and I don't know to get back home!

Scissors: There's no time, Pencil! There's no time for anything!

Flub-Bub: Flub-Bub?

Rock: Flub-Bub wants to go to Lobster Fest.

Paper: Oh, there's definitely time for Lobster Fest.

Potato: Oh, this is bad. We're gonna miss Lobster Fest.

Waitress: I loved that helicopter ride, Flub-Bub. It was so romantic.

[Flub-Bub nods his head then tents his fingers waiting for something to say]

Rock: Oh, no. He's running out of conversation.

Scissors: Quick! Feed him a line!

Paper: Uh… [touches an earpiece to his ear] Flub-Bub.

Flub-Bub: [does the same thing just like Paper did] Flub-Bub!

Waitress: [swoons] Oh, Flub-Bub.

[Rock, Paper and Scissors sigh in relief]

Scissors: Good save, Paper. I think we just avoided a huge catastrophe.

Flub-Bub: [turns into a giant alien monster called a Flub-Bubby, causing the Waitress to scream and run away; in deep voice] Flub-Bubby!

Rock: Oh.

Scissors: Right.

Paper: Totally forgot about that.

Resolutions / Paper's Book Club [1.16]

Scissors: You know calculators are usually smaller than that, right? And don't run on someone shoveling in coal?

Paper: Whatever, it works.

Scissors: Ah, Paper's such a jerk. Making fun of me just 'cause I didn't do my resolution, and also forgot what it was. Well, I'll show him. I still have 12 hours to complete it, and prove I'm not a failure.

Rock: And I'm going to help you, because my resolution was to help as many people as I can with their resolutions.

Scissors: But isn't helping people what you normally do? I mean, your resolution could have just as easily been be a rock this year.

Rock: You know, you can be a jerk sometimes too.

Paper: [talking about Scissors' resolution] January 1st: Scissors sees a poorly-translated Foreign film called "Buff Man Lift 450 Pounds Be Success".

Buff Man: I lift weight, prove I big success!

Paper: The resolution is made. January 2nd: Scissors buys every piece of gym equipment he can find and a giant tub of muscle powder. [Scissors tries to open the lid] But he's not strong enough to open the lid. January 3rd: Scissors eats an entire chocolate cake, feels badly about himself, and gives up on his resolution. And that's the end of the story. Although, there was a day in mid July where Scissors remembered the resolution and had a moment of renewed resolve. But then he ate another entire chocolate cake and felt terrible about himself. [Scissors' stomach gurgles painfully and he moans in pain]

Scissors: How am I so weak? I ate 50 raw eggs.

Rock: You did what?!

[Scissors queasily pukes in the toilet while gurgling noises are heard from his belly as he throws up]

Scissors: Ugh, I'm gonna look like a fool! Paper makes me so mad I could just flip this… [tries to flip over the weight bench] well, maybe not the weight bench, but these tinier weights! [tries to flip them] Or at least this weight bench instruction manual! [tries to flip the manual; groans] How is this possible?!

Scissors: [to Paper] Hey, can we talk for a second? [looks at the camera] Uh, off camera? [cut to them in his room, with the camera filming them] Look, I know I'm a failure. You know I'm a failure. But… but it's another thing for millions of people to see that on the big screen. So I'm begging you, please don't finish this documentary.

Paper: [sighs] Scissors, I'm glad you told me that… [turns to the camera] because I needed it for this movie! [laughs and leaves]

[Scissors lifts up Paper's calculator and throws it out of the apartment building and it crashes into the street, with hamsters crawling out of it before the clock strikes 12:00]

Rock: There were hamsters in there?

Paper: [to Scissors] How the heck did you do that?! That calculator weighted 450 pounds!

Scissors & Rock: [both gasp; in unison] I completed my New Year's resolution!

Scissors: Let's sharpen our pens! [sharpens his pen with a pencil sharpener and getting his face covered in ink]

Rock: Scissors! Scissors, stop! Let me sharpen my pen! [does the same thing like Scissors did]

[Words appear reading: "Don't try this at home. Obviously."]

Paper: [annoyed while he facepalms] Doofuses. [suddenly gets an idea] Wait. That's it! I can feel smart if I surround myself with doofuses! I'll just start a book club with the least intelligent people I know!

News Reporter: This just in, multiple business owners are sad today, as they've had to close from all the free things they've given away to satisfy customer complaints. And as we all know, the only people who write complaints are whiny little poops. Here's a sketch of what such poops may or may not look like.

[A drawing sketch of Rock and Scissors is shown]

Rock: [shocked] Oh, no, we're hurting people!

Rock: [attempting to return all the free stuff] I'm giving it back!

Scissors: [trying to stop him] You're not giving it back!

Paper: [barges into the apartment] Guys, I'm in trouble! My book club starts in 20 minutes, and I… [looks around at all the free stuff] have no idea what this is.

Rock: Scissors and I wrote complaints to get free things, but we took it too far, and now we have all this stuff we don't deserve. Clothes, phones. [A pink flamingo walks past them] I don't even know what we complained about to get that.

Paper: Wait. That's it! I don't need to understand the book. I just need to complain that it's bad, because people who complain are automatically viewed as right.

Scissors: See? We're right. Besides, everything we complained about is totally justified.

Rock: Really? Well, then why do we have all the heads from Easter Island?

[Epilogue]

Nickelodeon Executive: Thanks for coming into the Nickelodeon offices today, Scissors. We brought you in because we received a complaint letter from, well, him. [gestures to Rock, sitting next to her and crossing his arms while glaring at Scissors, revealing he's the one who wrote the complaint letter]

Scissors: [offended] Oh, you whiny little poop.

Nickelodeon Executive: [reading the letter] "Dear Nickelodeon, in your program, "Rock, Paper, Scissors", Scissors' behavior has been morally reprehensible."

Scissors: Everyone's so sensitive.

Nickelodeon Executive: [continues reading] "He rarely learns lessons, and, when given the opportunity to grow, continues with awful behavior."

Scissors: Yeah, that's what makes me fun.

Nickelodeon Executive: [finishes reading] "This is not a character who should be exposed to our children. Please do something immediately." I'm sorry, but we're suspending you from the show for two weeks.

Scissors: WHAT?! (Two weeks?!) Who are you even gonna get to replace me?

[The show's intro plays with Nutso, the Rapping Squirrel as Scissors' replacement and the show's title being changed to "Rock, Paper, Nutso"]

Nutso: This show's about to get Nutso!

National Paper Day / Helping with the Groceries [1.17]

Paper: [stretching himself] Alright, Paper, you haven't exercised in three years. Time to run a marathon!

[As Paper exits the apartment building, he is surprised to see the city people celebrating and watching a parade led by Rock]

Rock: Happy International Rock Day!

Paper: International Rock Day? That's not a real holiday.

Rock: Sure, it is. Every July 13th, we throw rock beads… We hit rock piñatas… And we just generally rock out, especially Scissors.

Scissors: [leading a marching band] Whoo-hoo! I love this parade energy! Let's keep the party going!

Paper: (Hello?) Is this the Committee of National Holidays?

Rock: [turning around in his chair, revealing himself] You bet it is!

Paper: [suprised] Rock?! You're on the committee?!

Rock: Yeah, I'm the head of it, along with the representatives of National Pencil Day, National Potato Day, National Bubble-blowing Day, and of course, National Raspberry Cake Day.

Raspberry Cake: I'm cake.

Paper: [disbelieved] Good Lord. Anyway, I'd like a day, please.

[The representatives all laugh]

Rock: Paper, we don't just give out days.

Pencil: Yeah, each one of us has presented a case for why we deserve one.

Potato: I don't even know how I got here.

Pencil: Yes, you do, Potato. You gave a speech that brought us to tears.

Potato: That presentation was terrible.

[Rock and Paper enter the apartment, carrying a bunch of groceries]

Paper: Scissors, can you help us bring in the groceries?

Scissors: [sitting on the couch, holding a sandwich] I would, but my hands are full.

Rock: Well, just put it down.

Scissors: [now holding a lamp] Now I have another thing.

Paper: Scissors!

[Scissors whistles while holding a sandwich, a lamp, and three bowling balls]

Rock: Scissors, come on! Can you just help us one time?

Nice Scissors: Excuse me. Could I talk to you about helping?

Traffic Cop Scissors: Can't you see I'm busy directing traffic? [makes the cars crash into each other and laughs evilly]

[A memory footage shows Young Scissors running down the school hallway, and accidentally rips his pants while crouching down to pick up a piece of paper, showing his underwear and butt crack]

Young Scissors: Oh, no! I ripped my pants at school! [gets attacked by a Pterodactyl that swooped in]

Nice Scissors: That was a bad day.

The Family Business / Glitter Bomb [1.18]

Paper: Yes, sir.

Rock's Dad: And Scissors?

[Scissors starts crying and runs away]

Scissors: [after he puts the last cup on the cup tower] Alright. Time to be monsters.

[Rock and Scissors demolish the cup tower growling and roaring like Godzilla does]

Paper: Rock, you've got a letter. You want to open it?

Rock: Do I?

[After Rock sings a tune while he's getting mail, he gets covered in glitter and Paper giggles softly]

Rock: What just happened?

Scissors: I think someone sent you a glitter bomb.

Rock: [getting angry] Do you know how difficult it is to remove glitter? Who would do this to me? [sadly] Who would do this to me?! [furiously] WHO WOULD DO THIS TO ME?!

Diapers / R.O.V.E.R. [1.19]

Paper: Scissors, why did you bring us here? This place is awful.

Scissors: Because it's the hottest spot in town. I've got to be seen here to maintain my cool reputation.

Paper: You don't have a cool reputation.

Scissors: [after throwing all the diapers into the ocean as they start absorbing] Oh, no! I forgot how absorbent they are!

Paper: Chad was right not to work with us. Our business was a huge failure.

Scissors: [sobbing] AND MINE WAS A HUGE SUCCESS!

Rock: Yeah, we heard about that. [outside the apartment building, a giant diaper rolls down the street, passing by] It's okay, Scissors. I'm sure everyone will forget about this once a better diaper comes along.

Scissors: How could you make a better diaper? It would have to have Bluetooth, compatibility, be reversible, and get out the toughest stains, with half the calories! [Rock and Paper both gasp and take out their invention, believing he's describing it] It would need to keep your hot drinks hot and your cold drinks hot, and I wouldn't want my face on it, and it'd had to have, I'll just randomly say, Paper's face… [Rock and Paper both sulk] Or Rock's.

Trash [1.20]

Paper: [sniffs an unpleasant smell] What is that smell?

Scissors: [looks at the garbage with some flies buzzing around] I think it's Rock.

Paper: Scissors, you still haven't taken out the trash?

Scissors: [waving his hand; dismissively] Yeah, yeah. I'll get to it.

Paper: No, do it now.

Scissors: I'll do it really soon.

Dian: I'm at my breaking point, Chris. We've dealt with too much noise and agony from all these wacky Rock Paper Scissors shenanigans. [flashback shows multiple episodes from the past] The rhino stomping around when Putty was there, the meltwater dripping through when their place turned into the Arctic, last Christmas, they were 10 different ghosts, and at one point, Scissors farted into a microphone and blew out all the windows in the building. What's it going to take for us to go up there and say something?