Mystery Men

Mystery Men (1999) is a comedy film presenting a twist on comic book superheroes. When Champion City's greatest superhero disappears, the fight against evil is left in the hands of a group of second-string superhero "wannabees'.

Directed by Kinka Usher. Written by Neil Cuthbert. Based on characters created by Bob Burden.

Vic the publicist: I think right now we should focus on the positive. Tonight was good.

Captain Amazing: Yeah - you think so? 'Cause I was worried it was, um, I don't know... PATHETIC! "Amazing triumphs at a nursing home"? That's great copy, Vic.

Vic: Look, I'm a publicist, not a magician. You want big news, you have to have big fights. A superhero needs a supervillain. And thanks to you, we've got none left.

Captain Amazing: Then get... the... Death Man!

Vic: Death Man is dead.

Captain Amazing: Okay — Father Doom.

Vic: Life without parole. Apocalypto's doing fifty years. Armagezzmo's in exile. Baron von Chaos got the chair —

Captain Amazing: Really?

Vic: Casanova Frankenstein is locked up in a nut-house.

Captain Amazing: Casanova Frankenstein - now there was a supervillain! You know, he just... he's got those eyes, you know? I can't do it, but... and that voice! Such pure evil! The battles we used to have — extraordinary!

Vic: "Used to." That's the problem, Captain. "Used to."

[When Mr. Furious suggests they employ a publicist]

The Shoveler: What are we gonna publicise, Roy? The fact that we get our butts kicked? A lot?

Mr. Furious: [Annoyed] Well, maybe if you didn't smack me in the face with a shovel every time we went out, we'd have a few more victories to brag about.

Shoveler: All right now, I'm sorry about that. I just have a tendency to lose my concentration when I've got a salad fork stuck in my rear end.

Blue Raja: Oh, oh — I get it! So your shovel in his face is my fault?

Shoveler: You threw a spoon at the guy, Jeff.

Mr. Furious: Yeah, what was up with that?

Blue Raja: I-I, I'm embarrassed about that. I thought it was a fork.

Shoveler: You're the master of cutlery. You couldn't throw a knife sometimes when someone's trying to kill me?

Blue Raja: No, I can't! You couldn't, ah, use a rake sometimes?

Shoveler: No. I'm the Shoveler.

Blue Raja: Well, I'm the Blue Raja. I'm not Stab Man, I'm not Knifey Boy — I'm the Blue Raja.

Mr. Furious: Yeah, that's another thing.

Blue Raja: [Defensive] What?

Mr. Furious: Well, you could work a little blue into the uniform somewhere. I mean you've got green, you've got this little flowery thing going on, but it's like everything but blue.

Blue Raja: Well, if we could just step out of our literal minds, just for a moment.

The Shoveler: Oh yeah, well, maybe if we had a billionaire benefactor like Lance Hunt, then we could afford some advertising.

Mr. Furious: I think that's because Lance Hunt is Captain Amazing.

Blue Raja: Oh, here we go.

Shoveler: Oh, don't start that again! Lance Hunt wears glasses. Captain Amazing doesn't wear glasses.

Mr. Furious: [Long-suffering] He takes them off when he transforms.

Shoveler: That doesn't make any sense. He wouldn't be able to see!

Mr. Furious: Do you see what I see?

Shoveler: It's Tony C!

Blue Raja: And Tony P, leader of the Disco Boys! But what, pray tell, would he be doing back in town?

Mr. Furious: Maybe it's time to do some following to find out.

Casanova Frankenstein: Ah, the old Disco Room. Just as I left it.

Tony P: You been locked up for twenty years, Casanova. A lot of things have changed since then.

Casanova Frankenstein: It must have been hard for you, Tony, the way times and styles have changed... hearing the people say that disco is dead...

Tony P: [Snapping] Disco is not dead! Disco is LIFE!

Casanova Frankenstein: Yes, Tony! That is the passion I remember! Stick with me, Tony, and you will dance again... when I rule this town.

Casanova Frankenstein: Captain Amazing — what a surprise.

Captain Amazing: Really? I'm not so sure about that. Your first night of freedom and you blow up the asylum. Interesting choice. I knew you couldn't change.

Casanova: I knew you'd know that.

Captain Amazing: Oh, I know. And I knew you'd know I'd know you knew.

Casanova: But I didn't. I only knew that you'd know that I knew. Did you know that?

Captain Amazing: ... Of course.

Captain Amazing: We've always been each other's greatest nemesises... uh, nemesee... wh-what's the plural on that?

Casanova Frankenstein: [Wearily] Nemeses.

Captain Amazing: Whatever. You're going to prison for life this time, Casanova. You see, here in Champion City we still do a fairly brisk trade... in justice.

Casanova: I thought it was all about publicity and keeping your sponsors happy.

Captain Amazing: See, it's that kind of cynicism that I truly feel is starting to poison society.

Captain Amazing: Lookee here — a multi-frequency radio detonator! You really should be more careful when discarding incriminating evidence.

Casanova Frankenstein: Oh, no, no, no, no. This is an amusing little gizmo. It's really quite cool.

Captain Amazing: Yeah? What is it? [the gizmo emits a spurt of vapor into his face] Yuck!

Casanova: It's a chloroform-deploying portable enticement snare.

Captain Amazing: Aw, DANG! [he collapses]

Casanova: Poor Lancie. You really are so predictable.

Tony P: What do we got here?

Tony C: I think they're supposed to be jive superheroes.

Tony P: Well, they made a big mistake coming to Casanova's place. [he draws a gun; the heroes snicker.] What's so funny?

Mr. Furious: That's it? That's your power? You have guns? Couldn't you be a little more creative than that?

Blue Raja: Pardon the impertinence, guv'nor, but what the devil does a pistol have to do with disco?

Disco Boy: It's a Saturday Night Special.

Mr. Furious: Weak.

Blue Raja: At best. [more Disco Boys arrive, armed with a variety of blunt instruments.]

Shoveler: Check out the guy with the pipe. What are you, the Disco Plumber?

Blue Raja: There's no theme at all here, mates!

Mr. Furious: I mean, if you're gonna carry a chain, at least make it a gold chain, and that's just off the top of my head... [To Tony C] Yo, what's up, Tiger Lily?

Tony C: Top of your head, huh?

[The Disco Boys beat the heroes up]

Captain Amazing: Listen, I really think we need to talk about your plans here.

Casanova Frankenstein: You know my plans, Lancie. Tomorrow night... I'm going to kill you.

Captain Amazing: Right. That's the part that really doesn't work for me.

[The Shoveler's wife finds superhero tryouts being conducted in her back yard]

Lucille: Oh, I don't deserve this!

Shoveler: I know.

Lucille: A lot of other men I could have married, Eddie. Still are.

Shoveler: I understand.

Lucille: If one person vomits in my pool, I'm divorcing you.

Shoveler: That's fair.

Lucille: Mm-hmm. Come on, kids!

Bowler: Have you ever heard of Carmine the Bowler?

Shoveler: Have we ever heard...

Blue Raja: Cor blimey, miss, don't tell us you're the Bowler's daughter!

Mr. Furious: I seem to remember there being a little controversy around his death.

Bowler: That's right. The police said it was an accident. He'd come home late one night and fell down an elevator shaft. Onto some bullets.

Blue Raja: You know, I've always suspected a bit of foul play.

Bowler: As have I.

Bowler: So you're a British man who converted to Islam, sort of like Cat Stevens?

Blue Raja: No. Until the early part of this century, India was in fact part of the British Empire, whose government there was called the British Raj after the Hindi word for "sovereignty". Furthermore —

Bowler: Wait — so sorry. [to her bowling ball] What? DAD! No, he's not a commie, nor a fruit. [to the Blue Raja] Sorry. His ignorance embarrasses me.

Blue Raja: Sorry, but am I to understand that you've inserted your father's skull inside of that... ball for bowling?

Bowler: No. The guy at the pro shop did it.

Tony P: You guys never learn, do you?

Blue Raja: Apparently we don't!

Mr. Furious: Do yourself a favor and don't punch my clock, 'cause I'm a Pantera's box you do not wanna open.

Casanova Frankenstein: It is 'Pandora'.

Mr. Furious: Uh, please don't correct me. It sickens me.

Invisible Boy: So what's the name of this team? How about the Super Squad?

[Tony P and Tony C appear with gun-toting Disco Boys]

Tony P: How about the Six Dead Guys in Their Stupid Costumes? No, no, no — the Magnificent Dead Guys. How about that?

Tony C: How about the Legendary Superfreaks?

Tony P: Way too positive. They totalled our car.

[As a training exercise, Mr. Furious is trying to balance a small hammer on his head]

Mr. Furious: Why am I doing this again?

Sphinx: When you can balance a tack hammer on your head, you will head off your foes with a balanced attack.

Mr. Furious: And why am I wearing the watermelon on my feet?

Sphinx: I don't remember telling you to do that.

[Arguing with the Sphinx's clichéd speeches]

Mr. Furious: Okay. Am I the only one who finds these sayings just a bit formulaic? "If you wanna put something down, you gotta pick it up". "If you wanna go left, you gotta go right". It's...

Sphinx: Your temper is very quick, my friend. But until you learn to master your rage —

Mr. Furious: Your rage will become your master? [The Sphinx freezes, caught] That's what you were gonna say, right? Right?

Sphinx: ... Not necessarily.

[When the Spleen is playing around in Heller's laboratory]

The Shoveler: You're gonna kill someone with that.

Dr. Heller: No, no, no - you see, everything here is non-lethal.

The Shoveler: Non-lethal? What?

Dr. Heller: I don't make weapons that kill.

The Bowler: Oh, I see. How delightfully eccentric of you. Whilst simultaneously being a complete waste of our time.

Shoveler: Doctor, you are a genius.

Dr. Heller: That's what the card says.

[Rescuing Captain Amazing]

The Shoveler: Captain, I'm just going to ask you directly; do you know billionaire Lance Hunt?

Captain Amazing: It's me. [Shoveler looks surprised and disappointed] Nah, I'm only kiddin' ya - I always wanted to do that.

[Rescuing Captain Amazing from Casanova's weapon of mass destruction]

Captain Amazing: Now flip the second toggle.

The Bowler: [Having already flipped on his instructions once] ... Again?

Captain Amazing: What do you mean?

The Bowler: Flip the toggle twice?

Captain Amazing: No-no-no, don't do that, just flip it again, now, one time! Flip it.

The Bowler: [To Mr. Furious] ... Does he understand what I'm asking?

Mr. Furious: Hold on a second - Captain, exactly how many toggle flips in toto are involved in this procedure?

Captain Amazing: [Flustered] I just - I - Seven!

Mr. Furious: [Incredulous] Seven?!

Captain Amazing: [A little hysterical] Flip it!!

[The weapon begins to hum omniously and increasingly loudly]

The Bowler: Hold the phone! Everybody hold the phone. You phrased that incorrectly. We need to know how many toggle flips are needed not counting the gratuitous toggle flip you may have asked for in a moment of panic.

Captain Amazing: [Very hysterical] FLIP IT!!!

Mr. Furious: Okay, you know what, can we just start again? Is there like a reset button on this thing or something?

Captain Amazing: No you little freak, there's no button for resetting! Flip the switch, lady! Don't look at me, lift your left arm and flip it, you moron!

The Bowler: [Offended] Whoa! I am not a moron.

Captain Amazing: You're a moron! You're a moron! Flip the switch, lady!

Mr. Furious: [Gently rebuking] Hey, don't call her a moron, that's not cool...

The Bowler: Thank you!

Blue Raj: [Fed up] I'll do it! I'll do it! It's this one, yes?

The Bowler: No!

[Blue Raj flips the wrong switch - the weapon activates]

Captain Amazing: Uh-oh - wrong switch.

[The weapon kills Captain Amazing in a horrific and grotesque fashion as the Mystery Men watch, appalled]

Mr. Furious: ... Everybody heard me say 'reset button', right?

Blue Raja: [Horrified] Oh my God... Oh my God, we've killed him...

The Shoveler: What do you mean, 'we'? I was right here.

[The Bowler approaches Amazing's fried, calcified and mutated corpse cautiously]

The Bowler: I'm gonna check his pulse...

[She gently touches his wrist; it breaks off from his arm and smashes into pieces on the floor]

The Bowler: ... I don't think he's gonna pull through.

[Escaping Casanova Frankenstein's mansion after bungling the rescue]

The Spleen: Where's Captain Amazing?

Blue Raja: [Stressed] There's been a bit of a cock-up, actually...

The Bowler: Raja murdered him!

[They begin to squabble]

Mr. Furious: Guys? I think we have a bigger fish to fry right now.

Blue Raja: Sphinx, what do we do?

Sphinx: Sometimes, the true hero is the one with the courage to run away.

Bowler: I like the way this man thinks!

Invisible Boy: Let's run.

Shoveler: We can't run.

Bowler: Oh, yes! Oh, yes — it's been established that we can run.

Invisible Boy: But I don't want to get frakulated!

The Bowler: Psycho-frakulated.

Invisible Boy: We still get frakulated!

[The Blue Raja's mom walks in on him, in full costume, rummaging through her silverware drawer]

Mom: Jeffrey, what are you doing?

Blue Raja: I'm, uh, I'm just... I... I... [shifts to British accent] I'm a superhero, mother.

Mom: A superhero?

Blue Raja: An effete British superhero, to be precise. The Blue Raja is my name, and yes, I know I don't wear much blue and I speak in a British accent, but if you know your history it really does make perfect sense. I am pilfering your tableware because...I hurl it. I hurl it with a deadly accuracy. The point is, your boy's a Limey fork-flinger mother, hard cheese to swallow I know, but there it is. What will the bridge club think?

Blue Raja: I better get going. I've got a city to save.

Mom: Jeffrey? Do the accent.

Blue Raja: Uh, well... [shifts to British accent] Well, I'd love to stay and chit-chat, Mother, but I fear I must away with me — our metropolis is in the clutches of madmen!

Mom: Jeff?

Blue Raja: Yeah?

Mom: Cheerio.

Blue Raja: Thanks, Mom.

Invisible Boy: So, this is basically a huge electromagnet.

Dr. Heller: Well, actually, it's an electro-nuclear-magnet. It's the next inevitable phase.

[The other heroes try to help Mr. Furious regain his anger-feuled super powers.]

Shoveler: Come on, somebody do something! We need him!

Bowler: Okay, let's do this. You're a very furious man. Do you understand that?

Mr. Furious: No.

Bowler: No? Well, you've got a lot to be furious about, and I'll tell you why. You're - not well-liked. You're, uh, abrasive and off-putting. You try to say pithy things, but your wit is a hindrance... so therefore nothing is provacative, it's just mixed metaphors. Now doesn't that make you angry? Does it infuriate you?

Mr. Furious: No.

Bowler: Well, it should! Are you angry? Come ON, man!

Shoveler: Your penmanship is atrocious!

Sphinx: You dress in the manner of a male prostitute.

[The heroes talk about hero recruits]

Blue Raja: Well, there's The Sphinx.

Mr. Furious: Who?

Blue Raja: The Sphinx.

The Shoveler: Yeah, I've heard of this guy. He's a big crime-fighter down east.

Mr. Furious: What's his power?

Blue Raja: Well, he's terribly mysterious.

Mr. Furious: That's it? That's his power, he's mysterious?

Blue Raja: He's terribly mysterious, actually.

The Shoveler: Yeah, plus he can cut guns in half with his mind.

Blue Raja: Really? I hadn't heard that.

Roland, Shoveller's Son: I believe in you, Dad.

Lucille: Roland, do not encourage your father.

(At the final battle with Casanova)

Mr. Furious: Rage... taking over...

Casanova: Ya, ya, ya. We've heard all that before.

Mr. Furious: No, no, no... Rage... really taking over...

Monica: What's your name?

Mr. Furious: D-do you mean my secret identity? ‘Cause I couldn't…

Monica: No, I just mean your name.

Mr. Furious: My name. Ummm… wow. Okay… It's…Phoenix… Phoenix Dark… Dirk… Phoenix… Dark Dirk. I was christened Dirk Steel and then I changed it to Phoenix…

Monica: Forget about it. It's okay.

Mr. Furious: It's Roy! That's… that's my name. My… my real name's Roy.

Monica: Just. Be. Roy.

[Shoveler, Mr. Furious, and blue Raja step into Invisible Boy's living room. IB's father is sitting on the couch]

Invisible Boy: Hey dad, I'm going to my room with three strange men.

IB's father: [absent-mindedly] Okay, son.

Tony P: (to The Bowler) Do I know you?

Bowler: (holds up the bowling ball) You knew my father!

Blue Raja: Cal

Bowler: (whispering) Carmine!

Blue Raja: (louder) Carmine

Tony P: (confused) Carmine...(realising) The Bowler?

Bowler: Yep!

Tony P: (mocking her) You're Baby Bowler!

Bowler: (annoyed) You got a problem with that?

Tony P: (teasing) Hello! I'm the one that gave your daddy the shaft!

"Don't mess with the volcano, my man, 'cause I will go Pompeii on your... butt."
"I will keep dreaming! I will keep dreaming, my friend! And when I wake up you better hope...you better hope you're... asleep!"
"Okay, let's all be little automaton droids and believe everything we hear on TV."
"Well, I am a ticking time bomb of fury."
"I guess tonight the lone wolf hunts... alone."
"I guess from now on I ride in a wolf pack...of one."
"Ooh — Mama Pajama! What kind of crazy-man blows up a crazy-house?"
"In my opinion, which used to matter around here, we shouldn't be flinging new memberships at every guy who puts together a pair of matching gloves and boots."
"Do yourself a favor and don't punch my clock 'cause I'm a Pantera's box you do not wanna open!"
"I don't need a compass to know which way the wind shines!"
"I guess from now on I ride in a wolfpack of one."
"Do you think there's a really angry way I could say I'm sorry?"
"I just wanted to say that I had a really great time tonight, and you were really nice to me, and I would love to, uh, take you out some time. But if I don't call you I just want you to know that it's because I'm dead."
"I must have ripped the Q section out of my dictionary, 'cause I don't know the meaning of the word 'quit'!"
[when asked by a reporter what his name and power is] "Hi, my name's Roy, and I'm in a super amount of pain right now."
"People who don't close their mouths when they chew make me... furious!"
"Well here I thought I was with a couple of real superheroes, the Shoveller and the Blue Raja! But really, it's Lazy Boy and... and... the recliner! Lazy Boy and the Recliner!"
Guys, are you coming? Are you—? Great. Okay, fine. I guess tonight the lone wolf hunts alone. [hurts his crotch while trying to start up his motorcycle] Ow! Testicles rising...can't breathe...can't breathe.
Let's go see what's shaking at the chez casa Casanova.
Sweet dreams, lilac.
"Frack-u-later"...Franken-Puss!

"Lucille, God gave me a gift. I shovel well. I shovel very well."
"You guys just be sure to jump in when the action starts. You do your share, we'll keep you around."
"There's no use waiting for the cavalry, because as of this moment, the cavalry is us."
"We're all in over our heads and we know it. But if we take on this fight, those of us who survive it will forever after show our scars with pride and say, 'That's right! I was there! I fought the good fight!'"
Invisible Boy, I think it's time for you to be seen.
Spleen, I won't stand behind you...but I'll fight alongside you.
So what do you say? Do we all gather together and kick some Casanova butt... or do I eat this sandwich??
"We've got a blind date with Destiny. And it looks like she's ordered the lobster."
"We struck down evil with the mighty sword of teamwork and the hammer of not-bickering."
"Should we knock, or just let ourselves in?"
"We're not your classic heroes. We're not the favorites. We're the other guys. We're the guys nobody ever bets on."

"Allow me to introduce myself: the Blue Raja, Master of Silverware. Forks a speciality."
"He is rather ripping, isn't he? With the spinning and the hurting and the kicking..."
[practicing his superhero banter]"Well, well, well — if it isn't our old friends the Red-Eyes. Good evening, gentlemen. We weren't expecting to see you again so...spoon!"
"There aren't any evil trios, are there? No — they all have to travel in gangs like little babies."
"The point is, your boy's a Limey fork-flinger, mother. Hard cheese to swallow, I know, but there it is."
"I knew I should have brought my large pie-server."
"But, seeing as it is your first night I shall FORKgive you if you FORKget."
"I say, 'What the FORK?'"
"May the forks be with us."

"All my life I've been ignored by people, and finally, after years of being overlooked, I found I have the power to disappear."
"Hey, Dad — I'm going to my room with three strange men."
"When you go invisible... you can feel it."
"Come on — haven't you guys ever been a kid? Haven't you guys ever... had a dream?"
"It's cool, isn't it? It goes right up to the point of being, like, confusing."
"I am transparent. I am like the window. I am see-through. I'm like Saran Wrap."

"It all started when I was just thirteen years of age. One day while walking with some friends I accidentally cut the cheese. Well, in my adolescent awkwardness, I blamed it on an old gypsy woman who happened to be passing by. Big mistake! The gypsy woman placed a curse upon my head. Because I had smelt it, she decreed that I would forevermore be... he who dealt it!"
"Why are you guys always dissing me? I'm a superhero too, you know! I have powers."
"If you want to know what my power is, pull my finger."
"This is weird in here. It's scary and weird."
"It's the FUNKYSKUNKULATOR!"

"Let's do some CARNAGE!"
"I guess I'll just have to take my ball and go home."
"Here comes Daddy!"
"Do you wannna go back in the bag? Is that how we're gonna play this? You make the rules."
"Oh, there's another chicken. Crazy chicken world."
"How delightfully eccentric — while simultaneously being a complete waste of our time!"
"See, that's why, in general, a mad scientist is less desirable than a garden-variety scientist."
"Maybe you should put some shorts on or something if you want to keep fighting evil today."
"Now , there's a wedgie she won't soon forget."
"Who would want to rent a chicken?"
[After avenging her father's murder]
"Now I'm going back to Graduate School. That was the agreement."
"No dad, He's neither a commie, nor a fruit."
"There's not enough beer in the world Spleen, I'm sorry."

"You must be like the wolf pack... not like the six-pack."
"You must lash out with every limb, like the octopus who plays the drums."
"Learn to hide your strikes from your opponent and you'll more easily strike his hide."
"When you can balance a tack hammer on your head, you will head off your foes with a balanced attack."
"He who questions training only trains himself at asking questions."
"Casanova will have many weapons. To defeat him we will need to have more than forks and flatulence."
"Do not go there, my son! When you doubt your powers, you give power to your doubts."
"We are number one! All others are number two, or lower."
"Sometimes, the true hero is the one with the courage to run away."
"When you care for what is on the outside, what is inside cares for you."
"To learn my teachings, I must first teach you how to learn."

"Hello, Champion City. Daddy... is home!"
"When the clock strikes twelve... cuckoo, cuckoo... you will be dead. And my city will be given a new state of mind."
"Tonight I am going to do to Champion City what I have done to its greatest superhero — und there will still be time to go up, get down... und boogie!"
"I have created a beautiful machine that is going to encourage our fellow citizens to share my vision of the future! Can you dig it?"
"A fish-fork is no match for my machine!"
"It is so easy to get the better of people when they care about each other — which is why evil will always have the edge.
"Yes, of course, you may absolutely bring za brewskies."

"No, no. I don't live here. I'm just here for the ladies." (at a nursing home)
"I don't make anything that's deadly."
"Totally nonlethal, but totally effective."
"That's a high-temperature fabric adhesive liquid projector, based on simple dry-cleaning technology. You aim that at a guy, and I'll tell you something: his clothes get so tight he can't even breathe."
"I can trick that out with a clam-shell holster. It comes with a leather carrying case. It's got a wadcutter and a full warranty."
"It's a psycho-frakulator! It creates a-a cloud of radically fluctuating deviant chaotrons, which penetrate the synaptic relays. It's concantenated with a-a synchronous transport switch that creates a virtual tributary! It's focused onto a biobolic reflector and what happens is, is that hallucinations become reality... and the brain is literally fried from within."
"Wait — you have a Herkimer battle jitney? That's the finest nonlethal military vehicle ever made!"
"Well, actually, it's an electro-nuclear-magnet. It's the next inevitable phase."

"You keep dreaming... wanna-be!" ~ Officer Maguire
"You know, tooth decay and gingivitis can be a crime. That's why I use Mighty Whitey toothpaste. Because I want my teeth to look — Amazing!" ~ Captain Amazing in TV commercial
"Baby, you shovel better than any man I've ever known... but that does not make you a superhero. You're a good husband, and a good father. Nothing more." ~ Lucille (Mrs. Shoveler)
"I believe in you, Daddy." ~ Roland (Shoveler's son)
"I'm the guy that gave your daddy the shaft!" ~ Tony P (to the Bowler)
"P.M.S. Avenger. I only work four days a month. Is there a problem with that?" ~ P.M.S. Avenger
"Okay, okay — the Six Very Nearly Dead Guys With a Temporary Reprieve. That's it! That's your name!" ~ Tony P
"Kill ya later — super-losers!" ~ Tony P
"This contraption is, in fact, a weapon of mass destruction. Casanova plans to turn it against the city at midnight." ~ Captain Amazing
"Flip the switch, lady. Don't stare at me, lift your left arm and flip it, you moron! You're a MORON! You're a MORON!" ~ Captain Amazing
"Just... be... Roy. Okay?" ~ Monica
"Dig this, Shovel Man!" ~ Tony C
[Bestowing precious cutlery to her son, having discovered his true identity]
"These belonged to your great-great grandmother. I was saving them for your wedding day, but from the looks of it, that day... it's probably a long way off." ~ Blue Raja's mother
"Jeffrey, are you on the marijuana?" ~ Blue Raja's mother
"You can't hurt me, Baby Bowler. 'Cause I'm protected by the god of hair care." ~ Tony P
"His name's Mr. Furious, and his power comes from his boundless rage." ~ Monica
"WAFFLE MAAAAN! Yeah, I'm the Waffler! Golden Crispy! Bad guys are history! YEEEAAAH!" ~The Waffler
(creepy, ominous dude at tryouts) "I...am BALLERINA MAN!" ~Ballerina Man