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The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.
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Nominator: AirshipJungleman29 (talk · contribs) 23:30, 30 June 2024 (UTC)
Reviewer: Thebiguglyalien (talk · contribs) 06:34, 21 July 2024 (UTC)
I'll have a review written for this some time within the next week. Thebiguglyalien (talk) 06:34, 21 July 2024 (UTC)
AirshipJungleman29, I've posted the review below. There are two main issues with the article right now. The first is with sentence structure, where several ideas are strung together into single sentences divided by several commas throughout the article. The second is the spot checks. While not quite enough for a quickfail in my opinion, the WP:CLOP is something that needs to be looked at more closely. Thebiguglyalien (talk) 19:48, 27 July 2024 (UTC)
and the surviving remnants of the tribe– "remnants" in this context makes me think of material things in the tribe as opposed to its population. I suggest switching "surviving remnants" with "survivors" or something similar.
In the early 1220s...– Related to the comment about commas above, this sentence in particular is hard to follow, and it's difficult to tell what's referring to whom.
Oghul Qaimish was given as a wife to Güyük– Do we know who gave her to Güyük?
because of her own background– More context would be helpful.
and one unnamed child– As in we don't know the name or the child was never given a name? It could be read either way.
Oghul Qaimish is not known to have any influence– Most of this paragraph only has limited relevance to Oghul Qaimish herself. It needs to be trimmed down so it only has the information that's absolutely necessary for the rest of the article to make sense.
Oghul Qaimish was not competent in politics– Is "competent" the best word here? It sounds more like a judgement than a description.
She was soon comprehensively outmanoeuvred.– This doesn't add any new information or give more insight. It should be expanded on or removed.
made good arguments in favour of Shiremun's candidacy– Good according to whom? This is subjective.
a lowly falconer– Why "lowly"?
Spot checks:
not uncommonmade me worry about WP:CLOP.
Oghul Qaimish was a poor strategic match for Güyükis very close to the wording of Oghul-Qaimish was a strategically poor choice for Güyük’s senior wife
unpopular?
she had no recognisable political agendasteals its wording from she had no discernible political agenda in Atwood.
Shocked by this result?
A few other notes that don't require action for GA:
The precise year of Oghul Qaimish's birth is unknownseems like an unusual sentence to start a biography with, but I have no alternative suggestions.
Thanks for the comments Thebiguglyalien and apologies for both the somewhat late response and the rather substandard article—it was written in rather a rush for the latest WiG challenge and it should have received more polish than it did. ~~ AirshipJungleman29 (talk) 23:15, 8 August 2024 (UTC)
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